Fic - "Stuck In The Middle With You"
Title: Stuck In The Middle With You
Author: colonel_bastard
Characters/Fandom: Megamind, Hal Stewart. Megamind [dur].
Word Count: 5,456
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Megamind and Hal try to do some manly bonding. They get the bonding part right.
Warnings: Slash, tentacles, viewing of cheesy porn, destruction of canon. Spoilers for the movie.
Notes: A gift for junosunderland, whose love for Hal inspires us all. Also my first fic with tentacles, LOOK WHAT THIS FANDOM HAS DONE TO ME. Special thanks to invderlava for the transcript of the scene for me to desecrate, and to ds_hina for telling me how to spell Stewart. <3
NOW WITH AN ADORABLE ILLUSTRATION BY 0o0f: LOOK AT IT!!
AND A TENTALICIOUS ILLUSTRATION BY tripperfunster: TENTACLES AHOY!!
AND A SMOKIN' HOT ILLUSTRATION BY junosunderland: HIT THE CEILING!!
“Of all the inconsiderate, boneheaded, irresponsible--- rude--- unprofessional---”
Megamind is running out of insults. Normally he fancies himself quite the silver tongue, but he can’t remember the last time he was so flustered and embarrassed, and the anger is so intense that it’s interfering with his ability to be clever. He might also say that it’s interfering with his ability to be subtle, but honestly, he never had that to begin with.
So he punches a hole into the building.
Scrambling out of the cockpit and down the robotic arm-turned-bridge, his rant reaches a crescendo on the words, “Would Metro Man have kept me waiting? Of course not, he was a pro!”
And there’s Hal Stewart, his creation, his beautiful dove, sprawled out on the couch and playing a video game. The boy glances over just long enough to identify the intruder, then returns his attention to the screen.
“Hey, Megamind! You’re actually the guy I wanted to see. Also,” he adds, with appalling nerve, “There’s a door here.”
Megamind stomps over and places himself directly in the brat’s line of vision. “Do you have any idea how long I waited for you?”
Hal squirms and leans to the side, straining to see his digital adventure, his words rambling out as an afterthought. “No, no, no, I totally understand what you’re saying. Can you just--- just--- shut up for one second? I’m trying to beat this level.”
Megamind looks back over his shoulder at the game. It’s some sort of Space Invader program. How appropriate. Frustrated past the point of endurance, he turns and sinks down onto the cushion next to Hal, arms crossed, gaze hooded.
“Were you even planning on showing up?” he grumbles.
“Yeah, no, I really was--- I just was gonna--- just let me--- hang on.”
“Fine,” Megamind sulks. “But just until you get to a save-point.”
“Cool, cool.”
While Hal plays on, Megamind feels the adrenaline leaking from his system, leaving no barrier between him and the depression that he’s been holding at bay since last night. It’s just so monstrously unfair. Dumped by Roxanne, dumped by Minion, now dumped by his own superhero--- his eyes sting with tears and he blinks them furiously away. So unfair. So unfair.
To distract himself, he glances around the rathole apartment and immediately notices some very noticeable new additions to the decor--- say, for the example, the piles of money. And also a bicycle.
“Where did you get all this stuff?”
“Oh, that?” Hal spares the loot a glance. “It doesn’t belong to me.”
Slapping a hand over his face, the supervillain groans, “You stole it?”
“Pretty cool, right?”
Megamind flops back onto the couch, his hands thrown up in surrender. Why not, right? Everything else is backfiring on him. He should have expected this by now. Never mind the weeks of work and planning he’d put into this. Never mind the training and the dedication and the bruises he’d sustained on his perfect blue ass after this moron kept dropping him during flight practice. Of course it would all fall apart at the last minute. Never mind the champagne and the setting and the kiss--- Roxanne still left him walking home in the rain alone. Why should this turn out any better?
“You were supposed to be a hero,” he sighs in disappointment.
For the first time, Hal pauses the game and gives him his undivided attention.
“Hey, being a hero is for losers. It’s work, work, work, 24/7, and for what? I only took the gig to get the girl, and it turns out Roxanne doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Megamind turns slowly to meet his gaze. “Roxanne... Ritchi.”
“Yeah, Roxanne Ritchi. I saw her having dinner and making googly-eyes at some intellectual dweeb.”
“Well you’re in luck.” Megamind turns back to the TV screen, studies the spaceship frozen in mid-flight. “She broke up with the dweeb last night. It was awful. Probably the saddest break-up of all time.” Eyes widening, he says hastily, “So I heard.” After a pause, he continues, “I heard she, uh, she slapped him. Like three or four times. It was totally harsh.”
Okay, so he might be exaggerating the physical reality, but emotionally that’s a pretty accurate description.
Hal switches the game back on, eyes glued to the flickering images again.
“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbles. “I don’t even care. I’m so over her.”
“Yeah,” Megamind mutters to himself. “Me, too.”
The game goes on. Onscreen, an odd little spaceship darts and shoots in perfect sync with the tapping of Hal’s thumbs. There’s some invading force, or meteors, or something--- either way the obstacles are increasing in speed and number as the level of difficulty rises. Hal squares his massive shoulders, his whole body rapt and focused. Too bad he couldn’t give this kind of concentration to the hero business.
“Hey,” Megamind shifts restlessly. “Is this a two-player game?”
“Nope,” Hal says carelessly. He tacks on a very unconvincing “sorry, dude” that only serves to draw attention to how unapologetic he is. Megamind rolls his eyes and begins tapping his right index finger to every spike on his left glove.
“I get the next round,” he announces petulantly.
“No way, man! Go steal your own!”
As the onscreen enemies multiply, Hal’s thumbs move faster and faster. Suddenly, so suddenly that they both jump in surprise, the game controller snaps into a blizzard of pieces. Shards of plastic splinter up into the air while Hal barks, “Fuck!” He flings the remains of the controller to the floor and shoots a betrayed glare at his too-strong hands.
“Whatever!” he says loudly. “That game sucked.”
“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it,” Megamind huffs.
“I dunno, man,” Hal shrugs, then jerks his thumb at the robotic arm still buried in his apartment wall. “You wanna go have that fight now?”
“I dunno,” Megamind echoes, then fusses with the edge of his cape. “I’m not really in the mood anymore.”
“Oh, dude, that’s such a relief,” Hal slouches with a chuckle. “I totally wasn’t feeling it, but I was like, I said I would, and you came all the way over here....”
“Forget it.”
“Sweet.” With an abrupt groan of disappointment, he rubs the heels of his hands against his eyes and laments, “Aww, man, I wish I had some weed.”
“Why don’t you just steal some?”
“Well, me and my dealer are pretty cool. I don’t want to, you know---”
“Sure, sure.”
“---like, damage that relationship.”
“Of course.”
“And I don’t know who else to steal it from.” He absently jams a finger in his ear, then gives an exasperated sigh. “You know, this costume is like, really cool and all, but it’s all one giant piece.”
“It’s supposed to make you look more streamlined,” Megamind explains, defending Minion’s work.
“Yeah, well, I’ve got like this shit stuck in my ear, and I can’t take off my glove to dig for it because it’s attached to the whole freakin’ suit.”
“You can take off the suit, you know.” Megamind gestures peevishly. “It’s not like you’ll be making a public debut anytime soon.”
“Oh. Ha. You’re totally right.”
“I usually am.”
While Hal wrestles out of the total waste of a good superhero costume design, Megamind gives a sigh of defeat and strips off the Black Mamba. Such a beautiful piece of craftsmanship, he hates to disgrace it with his loafing, so he folds it over his arm and clambers back up into the cockpit of the robot, laying the exquisite garment down for another day. He feels much lighter without the massive collar and voluminous cape. It occurs to him that he should probably just go back to the lair, but it also occurs to him that he’d have nothing to do. No Minion to scheme with, no hero to scheme against, no Roxanne to scheme for. At least if he hangs out here he won’t be alone.
By the time he drops back down into the apartment, Hal has changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt that declares “Han Shot First.” The pants look normal enough, but the shirt is too small by far. It’s large enough to fit across his broad chest but too short for the rest of him--- it stops well above the navel, exposing his stomach, which Megamind flicks with his index finger and thumb.
“Maybe you should have stolen some new clothes.”
“This shirt is vintage.”
They sit down on the couch simultaneously. Hal picks at his ear. Megamind drums his fingers on his knees.
Finally, Hal blurts, “So, like, you wanna watch porn?”
Megamind almost chokes on his spit.
“I mean, I’ve got some pretty sweet shit,” the redhead continues. “I just got this awesome thing from Japan where, like, he’s an American businessman and she’s a call girl at his hotel in Tokyo and like halfway through she changes her mind and he’s like oh, no way, we’re not done here. It’s pretty cool. I mean I’m pretty sure she’s like, really crying. It’s intense.”
“That’s--- uh---” Megamind coughs weakly. “That’s not really my--- style.”
“Dude,” Hal looks genuinely surprised. “You’re a supervillain.”
“That’s different.”
“Okay, whatever.” Now Hal actually looks embarrassed, and he makes useless, vague gestures to cover for it. “I mean, I thought you’d like it because it’s--- but you know, no, never mind. No biggie. I’ve got plenty of stuff.”
The TV is sitting on top of a long, squat cabinet. Hal crouches in front of it and pulls open the bottom drawer, producing a handful of DVD cases, a bottle of lotion, and a grubby box of Kleenex that he tosses in Megamind’s direction. Megamind catches it instinctively and is immediately grateful that he’s still wearing his gloves. He sets the box down gingerly as far away from him on the couch as he can manage.
Once Hal selects a DVD and puts it in the player, he joins Megamind on the couch, placing the Kleenex and the lotion between them. It’s weirdly thoughtful.
“This one’s pretty good,” he says, gesturing at the TV. “It’s these two chicks, and one of them is like, teaching the other one how to do the cha-cha or something---” He suddenly breaks off, winces, and says, “Oh, wait, it’s two chicks. Is that gonna bug you?”
“What?” Megamind splutters, who still can’t quite believe what they’re actually doing. “Why would that bother me, of all the things that are happening right now?”
“Well, ‘cause you’re gay.”
“I’m what?”
Megamind stares at him in horror, and Hal chuckles, glancing around self-consciously.
“Uh... aren’t you?”
“No!” Megamind shrieks. Then, his outrage is drowned under a cold wave of realization, and he asks with dread. “Wait... do I come off as gay?”
Hal chuckles again, still a bit nervous. “Well... kind of.”
Slouching back against the couch cushions, Megamind can feel a blush creeping up the back of his neck and spreading towards his ears. He covers his face with his hands and says raggedly, “This is the worst day of my life.”
“No, no, dude!” Hal holds out open hands in placation. “That’s totally cool! Because, like, I didn’t want this to be a gay thing. I just thought we could, you know, watch some hot chicks, have a good time, just be guys, right? It’s not gay, it’s just, you know?” He gestures emphatically at the television. “It’s not gay if we’re getting off to lesbians!”
Megamind nods miserably, still hiding his face. Hal pats him on the shoulder and starts the movie. As the opening titles come up, he chuckles to himself, “But I totally could have sworn you had a Megaboner for Metro Douche.”
“I don’t!” Megamind whines. “I didn’t. I have--- I had a girlfriend.”
“Who needs a girlfriend?” Hal mutters darkly, then brightens and gestures again at the screen. “I mean, who needs that noise when you’ve got this?”
The plot does seem to loosely concern a dance lesson. Two curvaceous women exchange a few cursory words--- “I don’t know how to rumba!” “I’ll teach you!”--- and then they’re in each others arms. Saucy Latin music plays in the background while the camera lovingly lingers on their bodies, close-ups of asses and tits all swaying to the music and straining against their skintight clothing. The teacher character seems to be the more mature of the two, while the student is a blushing ingenue who lustily whispers that she’s never felt like this before.
“Awesome,” Hal says, his hand kneading the front of his sweatpants. “Here, watch this--- watch---”
As the ingenue twirls away, the teacher keeps hold of the corner of her wrap skirt so that she spins right out of it, leaving her in nothing but her camisole and lacy black panties, which she makes a half-hearted attempt to cover with her hands. Reassurances are murmured. Tops are removed. The scene cuts quite abruptly to the ingenue lying naked and spread eagle on a bed, the teacher’s face buried between her legs.
“Hnh,” Hal grunts in satisfaction.
He tugs down the elastic waistband of the sweatpants and pulls his dick out. It’s already halfway erect, and as he coaxes it harder with his left hand, he pumps a shot of lotion into his right. Megamind has been fighting to keep his eyes on the screen, but once he realizes how exposed Hal is, he suddenly can’t look anywhere else. He forces his face to point straight ahead, but his eyeballs are straining at the edges of their sockets, staring down into Hal’s lap and the action going on down there.
He’s never understood the allure of two-dimensional sexual stimuli. No matter the medium---photographs, magazines, videos--- Megamind has never responded to them in the way which so many humans apparently do. No, he needs his stimuli to be real, something he can smell and touch. He figures that’s why he always got so hot and bothered when Metro Man would get a little too rough with him. It wasn’t Metro Man himself. It was just the fact that he was a warm and heavy body pressing into him, handling him as he’d never been handled before. Megamind has spent most of his life on his own. It was difficult not to get turned on when a handsome beefcake was pinning him to the sidewalk and huskily vowing to bring him to justice.
Even just holding Roxanne’s hand was enough to fill his body with warmth....
No. He’s not going to think about her. He’s not going to think about Metro Man, either, no matter how desperately he misses him. Unfortunately, that last bit might be almost impossible, considering the fact that every time he looks over at the redhead beside him he sees the superhero he once took for granted. Hal has inherited Metro Man’s huge shoulders, his enormous chest and his trim hips. Megamind is quite certain that his arms would be just as strong, that his hands would be just as heavy if they were to take hold of him.
Surreptitiously, the villain slips off his gloves and turns his open palms in Hal’s direction. His sensitive skin picks up the heat that’s radiating off the other man, and Megamind’s mouth opens slightly, his breath catching in his throat. Watching the DVD was a waste of time. Watching Hal watch the DVD is a goldmine, and Megamind’s groin starts to throb with heat.
Suddenly, Hal says loudly, “Dude. I thought you said you weren’t gay.”
“I’m not!” Megamind looks straight ahead. “Oh, man. Those chicks are really hot. I love their... boobs.”
“Then why are you staring at my dick.”
“I was--- I was, uh---” Megamind blurts out the first excuse that comes to him. “It’s different. Than mine, I mean. I was just--- noticing.”
“Oh.” Hal nods slowly. “Yeah, I guess--- wow, I never thought of that. Is that why you’ve still got your pants on?”
“Uh... yes.”
“Well, I don’t mind. You can, uh--- I mean, I won’t think it’s weird. You’ve got a giant blue head, I would guess that you’ve got a giant blue--- well, maybe not giant. But it’s fine that it’s blue.”
And really, why the hell not. Megamind sets to unbuckling his boots while Hal rambles on, one hand still on his cock, his eyes wandering back to the television.
“I mean, I don’t have anything against blue dicks. I was like the one guy in the theatre who wasn’t bothered by the blue dick in Watchmen. Every time it was onscreen people would be like, ‘Ahhhh!’ And I was just like, come on, guys. It’s a blue dick. It’s not the end of the world.”
Right boot off. Hal is picking up steam.
“Okay so there were a couple of scenes where it was like, distracting. But it was more distracting when you thought you were gonna see it and then you didn’t. Like, Dr. Manhattan is coming down these stairs, okay, and first his feet come down into the frame, then his knees, and you’re sitting there like ohhhh boy, here we go again, and right before he reaches the next step, the camera cuts away.”
Left boot off. Megamind starts to wriggle out of his tight leather pants.
“Or, like, when it was offscreen and you just sort of realized, he’s naked right now. They all have to keep eye contact with him because he’s totally naked. Nooooo. The worst scene was his very first one, where he’s blown himself up to be as tall as a building or whatever. He’s got his back to the camera so all you see is this giant blue butt, and you can’t help but realize, oh my God, his dick is as big as Rorschach right now. It’s like a human-sized blue dick. But I mean other than that, it didn’t really bother me, so---”
As Megamind kicks his pants away, Hal glances over and loses his train of thought completely.
“Whoa my God dude what is that.”
“When I said yours was different,” Megamind mumbles nervously. “I was, uh, really serious.”
Because he hasn’t exposed a blue dick. He’s exposed a gently-squirming knot of tentacles, ten in number, each about the length and thickness of his longest finger. Normally they’re quite small and discreet, but thanks to his arousal they’ve grown swollen and slick with lubrication, and their tips probe the air for something to grab onto.
“Oh shit,” Hal breathes. “It’s like the Crotch of Cthulhu.”
“That’s not funny,” Megamind fusses. “And besides I don’t even know what that means.”
Then, Hal starts to laugh. It’s not tender, affectionate giggles. It’s mean, nasty braying, and Megamind’s hands clench into fists against it.
“Dude,” Hal gasps through his mirth. “Have you ever been laid?”
Megamind looks him square in the eye and challenges, “Have you?”
That shuts him up real quick. Hal’s laughter fades into a telling silence, his stubborn gaze returning to the television, his lower lip jutting out on the verge of a full-blown pout. Megamind leans forward, trying to maintain eye contact so he can gloat properly.
“I’m at an anatomical disadvantage!” he crows. “What’s your excuse?”
“Whatever, man,” Hal grunts. “Shut up.”
Exasperated by the whole situation, Megamind drops his elbows to his knees and his chin into his hands. He’s a problem solver by nature. It’s his instinct to look for solutions, even for something like this, but this is the first time that the answer has come to him so quickly and been so neat.
“Wait,” he says with dawning wonder. “Wait. Who says we need Roxanne?”
“Who said anything about Roxanne?” Hal yelps guiltily, which pretty much confirms who he’s been thinking about.
“All right, substitute the word ‘women’ for ‘Roxanne’ and replay that thought.”
“Who says... we need... women?”
“Exactly!” Megamind grins eagerly. “We are two single organic beings with an identical desire that can only be fulfilled by the attention of another organic being. Why not combine our efforts and achieve mutual satisfaction?”
“Uh, you mean... have sex with each other.”
“Yes.”
“Ohhh, dude. No. No.” Hal grimaces and fans at the air as though the suggestion is a tangible mist that must be dissipated. “I’m not gay, okay? That is fucking sick.”
“Now, now, let’s be practical. Let’s be scientific.”
“You can’t science me into being a faggot!”
“Listen. The scientific term is homosexual. Homo, as in same. Sexual, as in, well, sex. Right?”
“Duuuude noooo.”
“Look at this!” Megamind gestures at his crotch and then Hal’s. “Does that look like the same sex to you? Not even close!”
Hal’s scrunched-up face is slowly starting to open again, his eyes pulling into slits that take a cautious peek at the little bundle of tentacles. He looks skeptical, but no longer disgusted.
“How would that even... work.”
Megamind’s confident expression falls into a bemused one. “I am.... not entirely sure.”
Extending a cautious finger towards the tentacles, Hal freaks out when they sense his approach and reach for him, and he jerks his hand back protectively to his chest.
“You’re not gonna try and stuff those in my butthole, are you?”
“That would be a no.” Megamind shudders decisively. “Let’s just--- let’s see what happens.” When Hal hesitates, he presses, “Look. You could snap a skyscraper in half if you wanted to. If you don’t like it, you can just dropkick me through the ceiling.”
“...I’m not gay.”
Megamind grabs the remote, switches off the television, and says coolly, “Me neither.”
Then he swings his legs around so that he’s straddling Hal on his knees. He tugs the sweatpants down to his thighs, exposing him entirely. Then he sits back on Hal’s lap so they can consider each other. Hal’s hands instinctively latch onto Megamind’s hips, and even with such a weak and nervous grip, Megamind can feel how strong he really is. It’s intoxicating. He settles his own bare hands on Hal’s shoulders.
“Okay,” he says. “Let’s take this slow.”
Their sexes are only a few inches apart. During the dance lesson Hal had managed to get his cock fully erect, and Megamind stares at it, entranced. He scoots himself a bit closer, and they both scream like little girls when the tentacles sense the heat of the cock and suddenly grab onto it. They wind around it so quickly that they drag their owner in with them, and Megamind abruptly slides forward in Hal’s lap until their hips bump against each other and their foreheads knock together.
“Oh shit shit shit!” Hal squeals. “Don’t eat me!”
“I’m not going to eat you! I’m just--- oh. Oh. You’re so--- hard.”
“Uhhhh,” Hal stares down between them. “You’re, uh, you’re soft.”
They both watch in amazement as the tentacles explore their new conquest, circling it and feeling it curiously. Megamind twitches and shivers, while Hal emits little grunts as sensation jolts through him.
“This is--- ungh--- so cool.”
“Yeah,” Megamind breathes. “I didn’t know they could--- oof--- they could do that.”
After a few moments of gentle fondling, the tentacles suddenly seem to reach a conclusion. Like a hand closing into a fist, they all find a place around the cock and tighten into an exquisite cocoon of coils. Megamind gasps and Hal groans, “Ohhhh my God.” Instinct tells Megamind that he should start moving right about now, and he slowly pumps himself up and then down again, his knees braced against the couch. Heat spirals through his body in ecstatic spikes. Yeah, that’s definitely working. He does it again and they both shudder with pleasure. Repeat. Repeat.
Megamind drops his hands to press flat against Hal’s tight stomach. The muscles spasm and pulse underneath him and he slides his palms upwards, forcing them under the straining t-shirt to find Hal’s nipples, which he rubs clumsily.
“Ah-hahhh,” Hal moans. “Where should I--- where should I put my hands---?”
Taking his wrists, Megamind guides his hands around behind him.
“Dude, no,” Hal hisses. “I don’t want to touch your butt.”
“Then touch these.”
Megamind claps Hal’s big hands down onto his bare feet, then digs in his nails to encourage Hal to squeeze. Hal reacts accordingly--- he’s so strong--- and Megamind’s hips buck in response. They grind against each other, squeezing and fumbling. A stray elbow catches the Kleenex box and sends it bouncing to the floor.
“Should we---” Megamind pants. “I mean, can I--- can I kiss you?”
“Uh---” Hal pants back. “Uh, sure--- I guess---”
Awkwardly, Megamind dips his head and presses his mouth against Hal’s. Their lips mash together uncomfortably, neither of them experienced enough with the act to know what to do. Megamind tries rolling his head from side to side, like he’s seen in the movies, and that actually helps a little bit.
He kind of likes it, but then Hal jerks his head back and goes, “No, no, you have a beard, it’s too weird.” And Megamind nods breathlessly and agrees, “Okay, that’s fair.”
But he has to do something with his mouth. He wants to taste Hal. So he moves his attention to his neck, licking from his jawline down to his shoulder, drawing a shivery moan from his companion. Encouraged, he shoves up the t-shirt and crushes his open mouth over one of the nipples that he’s already worked into a peak, swirling his tongue around it. Hal likes that--- his back arches up, his chest pressing into Megamind’s mouth, his hands jumping from the slender blue feet to the slender blue shoulders, yanking him down for more. Megamind drags his tongue across that broad chest until he finds the other nipple, which he bites, hard.
“Fuck!” Hal inhales sharply.
His jaw is hanging wide in a perpetual gape. Megamind can see his tongue, and he just wants to taste it, just for a moment. Hal’s eyes are closed so he doesn’t see Megamind sit up quickly, doesn’t know what happening until Megamind kisses him again, open-mouthed, his own tongue darting against Hal’s in a furtive, hungry stroke.
Then Hal grabs onto Megamind’s shoulders and squeezes him so hard that he can feel and almost hear the bones creaking in protest.
“I said don’t kiss me, man.”
“I won’t, okay, I won’t.”
Megamind jerks his pelvis roughly and Hal’s grip goes slack. Then Megamind thrusts again and this time Hal rises to meet him, his hands now grabbing onto the skinny hips possessively. From that moment on, it’s Hal who’s in control of the tempo--- he pumps Megamind at the speed of his choosing, and Megamind can only throw his arms around his neck and hang on. It’s exhilarating--- to be at his mercy like this--- the knowledge that he could not escape from this clinch even if he wanted to, which he decidedly does not. After spending so long fighting for control--- of the city, of the world, of his own miserable life--- it’s thrilling to let go, even if just for a little while.
“Yes,” he gasps in Hal’s ear. “That’s so good. You feel so good.”
In a shockingly raw voice, Hal admits, “So do you.” He clumsily presses his mouth against the side of Megamind’s neck, then grunts, “Okay, hang on. Here it comes.”
Megamind threads his fingers into the thick red hair, grabs hold, and growls, “I’m ready.”
Well, he thought he was ready. Then Hal starts slamming up into him and he almost screams. He pulls on his hair so hard that his arms shake. He never thought that he would move this fast in his life, but it’s Hal who’s moving for both of them, driving them up and down together, his face contorted from the effort. Megamind can feel his sex tightening around Hal and it floods him with pressure and heat, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly, his eyes clenched shut. Hal’s voice reaches him through the haze.
“Fuck--- I’m gonna--- I’m gonna come---”
Suddenly, something breaks. It’s too much. Climax slams into Megamind and he cries out, his body writhing, his head thrown back.
When he opens his eyes he sees the ceiling rushing towards him, and he ducks forward onto Hal, who has rocketed straight up off the couch as he comes. Fortunately his orgasm peaks before they both smash up through to the next floor, and although Megamind’s back and shoulders slam uncomfortably into the ceiling, they bounce right back down to the couch and crash there in a heap of tangled limbs and gasping lungs.
Megamind is, of course, the first one to find his voice, and it’s to remark, “Oh, look, they got small again.”
He’s examining himself, gingerly laying a finger against the tentacles, which are decidedly less swollen than they were before. They’re also covered in a surge of secretion that he can only assume has something to do with procreation. One of life’s little mysteries, that. He’s never really been bothered by it before, and even now, after all that, he can only shrug in amusement.
Hal grins awkwardly at the comment and says, “I guess we’re not that different.”
“Oh! Look. Yours is also smaller.”
“Yeah, uh, that’s what happens.”
“I see.”
Hal wriggles around until he’s got his sweatpants pulled up again. Megamind casts an unhappy glance at his tight leather pants.
“I am so not in the mood to put those back on,” he sighs.
“Well, here.”
After a quick rummage, Hal finds a pair of pajama pants and slings them over to the supervillain. They’re made of a flannel material patterned with images of characters from the Super Mario universe. Charming. Megamind slithers into them and is quite grateful for the drawstring. The two of them settle back down onto the couch and fidget.
“So,” Hal says at last. “Did we just become... friends with benefits?”
“Does that mean two guys who have sex with each other sometimes because neither of them can get a girlfriend?”
“....sure.”
“Then yes, I believe we just did.”
They stare at the dark TV set.
Then Hal says, “Wanna get drunk and make pancakes?”
“Yes, I believe I do.”
And away they go.
_________end.
Author: colonel_bastard
Characters/Fandom: Megamind, Hal Stewart. Megamind [dur].
Word Count: 5,456
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Megamind and Hal try to do some manly bonding. They get the bonding part right.
Warnings: Slash, tentacles, viewing of cheesy porn, destruction of canon. Spoilers for the movie.
Notes: A gift for junosunderland, whose love for Hal inspires us all. Also my first fic with tentacles, LOOK WHAT THIS FANDOM HAS DONE TO ME. Special thanks to invderlava for the transcript of the scene for me to desecrate, and to ds_hina for telling me how to spell Stewart. <3
NOW WITH AN ADORABLE ILLUSTRATION BY 0o0f: LOOK AT IT!!
AND A TENTALICIOUS ILLUSTRATION BY tripperfunster: TENTACLES AHOY!!
AND A SMOKIN' HOT ILLUSTRATION BY junosunderland: HIT THE CEILING!!
“Of all the inconsiderate, boneheaded, irresponsible--- rude--- unprofessional---”
Megamind is running out of insults. Normally he fancies himself quite the silver tongue, but he can’t remember the last time he was so flustered and embarrassed, and the anger is so intense that it’s interfering with his ability to be clever. He might also say that it’s interfering with his ability to be subtle, but honestly, he never had that to begin with.
So he punches a hole into the building.
Scrambling out of the cockpit and down the robotic arm-turned-bridge, his rant reaches a crescendo on the words, “Would Metro Man have kept me waiting? Of course not, he was a pro!”
And there’s Hal Stewart, his creation, his beautiful dove, sprawled out on the couch and playing a video game. The boy glances over just long enough to identify the intruder, then returns his attention to the screen.
“Hey, Megamind! You’re actually the guy I wanted to see. Also,” he adds, with appalling nerve, “There’s a door here.”
Megamind stomps over and places himself directly in the brat’s line of vision. “Do you have any idea how long I waited for you?”
Hal squirms and leans to the side, straining to see his digital adventure, his words rambling out as an afterthought. “No, no, no, I totally understand what you’re saying. Can you just--- just--- shut up for one second? I’m trying to beat this level.”
Megamind looks back over his shoulder at the game. It’s some sort of Space Invader program. How appropriate. Frustrated past the point of endurance, he turns and sinks down onto the cushion next to Hal, arms crossed, gaze hooded.
“Were you even planning on showing up?” he grumbles.
“Yeah, no, I really was--- I just was gonna--- just let me--- hang on.”
“Fine,” Megamind sulks. “But just until you get to a save-point.”
“Cool, cool.”
While Hal plays on, Megamind feels the adrenaline leaking from his system, leaving no barrier between him and the depression that he’s been holding at bay since last night. It’s just so monstrously unfair. Dumped by Roxanne, dumped by Minion, now dumped by his own superhero--- his eyes sting with tears and he blinks them furiously away. So unfair. So unfair.
To distract himself, he glances around the rathole apartment and immediately notices some very noticeable new additions to the decor--- say, for the example, the piles of money. And also a bicycle.
“Where did you get all this stuff?”
“Oh, that?” Hal spares the loot a glance. “It doesn’t belong to me.”
Slapping a hand over his face, the supervillain groans, “You stole it?”
“Pretty cool, right?”
Megamind flops back onto the couch, his hands thrown up in surrender. Why not, right? Everything else is backfiring on him. He should have expected this by now. Never mind the weeks of work and planning he’d put into this. Never mind the training and the dedication and the bruises he’d sustained on his perfect blue ass after this moron kept dropping him during flight practice. Of course it would all fall apart at the last minute. Never mind the champagne and the setting and the kiss--- Roxanne still left him walking home in the rain alone. Why should this turn out any better?
“You were supposed to be a hero,” he sighs in disappointment.
For the first time, Hal pauses the game and gives him his undivided attention.
“Hey, being a hero is for losers. It’s work, work, work, 24/7, and for what? I only took the gig to get the girl, and it turns out Roxanne doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Megamind turns slowly to meet his gaze. “Roxanne... Ritchi.”
“Yeah, Roxanne Ritchi. I saw her having dinner and making googly-eyes at some intellectual dweeb.”
“Well you’re in luck.” Megamind turns back to the TV screen, studies the spaceship frozen in mid-flight. “She broke up with the dweeb last night. It was awful. Probably the saddest break-up of all time.” Eyes widening, he says hastily, “So I heard.” After a pause, he continues, “I heard she, uh, she slapped him. Like three or four times. It was totally harsh.”
Okay, so he might be exaggerating the physical reality, but emotionally that’s a pretty accurate description.
Hal switches the game back on, eyes glued to the flickering images again.
“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbles. “I don’t even care. I’m so over her.”
“Yeah,” Megamind mutters to himself. “Me, too.”
The game goes on. Onscreen, an odd little spaceship darts and shoots in perfect sync with the tapping of Hal’s thumbs. There’s some invading force, or meteors, or something--- either way the obstacles are increasing in speed and number as the level of difficulty rises. Hal squares his massive shoulders, his whole body rapt and focused. Too bad he couldn’t give this kind of concentration to the hero business.
“Hey,” Megamind shifts restlessly. “Is this a two-player game?”
“Nope,” Hal says carelessly. He tacks on a very unconvincing “sorry, dude” that only serves to draw attention to how unapologetic he is. Megamind rolls his eyes and begins tapping his right index finger to every spike on his left glove.
“I get the next round,” he announces petulantly.
“No way, man! Go steal your own!”
As the onscreen enemies multiply, Hal’s thumbs move faster and faster. Suddenly, so suddenly that they both jump in surprise, the game controller snaps into a blizzard of pieces. Shards of plastic splinter up into the air while Hal barks, “Fuck!” He flings the remains of the controller to the floor and shoots a betrayed glare at his too-strong hands.
“Whatever!” he says loudly. “That game sucked.”
“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it,” Megamind huffs.
“I dunno, man,” Hal shrugs, then jerks his thumb at the robotic arm still buried in his apartment wall. “You wanna go have that fight now?”
“I dunno,” Megamind echoes, then fusses with the edge of his cape. “I’m not really in the mood anymore.”
“Oh, dude, that’s such a relief,” Hal slouches with a chuckle. “I totally wasn’t feeling it, but I was like, I said I would, and you came all the way over here....”
“Forget it.”
“Sweet.” With an abrupt groan of disappointment, he rubs the heels of his hands against his eyes and laments, “Aww, man, I wish I had some weed.”
“Why don’t you just steal some?”
“Well, me and my dealer are pretty cool. I don’t want to, you know---”
“Sure, sure.”
“---like, damage that relationship.”
“Of course.”
“And I don’t know who else to steal it from.” He absently jams a finger in his ear, then gives an exasperated sigh. “You know, this costume is like, really cool and all, but it’s all one giant piece.”
“It’s supposed to make you look more streamlined,” Megamind explains, defending Minion’s work.
“Yeah, well, I’ve got like this shit stuck in my ear, and I can’t take off my glove to dig for it because it’s attached to the whole freakin’ suit.”
“You can take off the suit, you know.” Megamind gestures peevishly. “It’s not like you’ll be making a public debut anytime soon.”
“Oh. Ha. You’re totally right.”
“I usually am.”
While Hal wrestles out of the total waste of a good superhero costume design, Megamind gives a sigh of defeat and strips off the Black Mamba. Such a beautiful piece of craftsmanship, he hates to disgrace it with his loafing, so he folds it over his arm and clambers back up into the cockpit of the robot, laying the exquisite garment down for another day. He feels much lighter without the massive collar and voluminous cape. It occurs to him that he should probably just go back to the lair, but it also occurs to him that he’d have nothing to do. No Minion to scheme with, no hero to scheme against, no Roxanne to scheme for. At least if he hangs out here he won’t be alone.
By the time he drops back down into the apartment, Hal has changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt that declares “Han Shot First.” The pants look normal enough, but the shirt is too small by far. It’s large enough to fit across his broad chest but too short for the rest of him--- it stops well above the navel, exposing his stomach, which Megamind flicks with his index finger and thumb.
“Maybe you should have stolen some new clothes.”
“This shirt is vintage.”
They sit down on the couch simultaneously. Hal picks at his ear. Megamind drums his fingers on his knees.
Finally, Hal blurts, “So, like, you wanna watch porn?”
Megamind almost chokes on his spit.
“I mean, I’ve got some pretty sweet shit,” the redhead continues. “I just got this awesome thing from Japan where, like, he’s an American businessman and she’s a call girl at his hotel in Tokyo and like halfway through she changes her mind and he’s like oh, no way, we’re not done here. It’s pretty cool. I mean I’m pretty sure she’s like, really crying. It’s intense.”
“That’s--- uh---” Megamind coughs weakly. “That’s not really my--- style.”
“Dude,” Hal looks genuinely surprised. “You’re a supervillain.”
“That’s different.”
“Okay, whatever.” Now Hal actually looks embarrassed, and he makes useless, vague gestures to cover for it. “I mean, I thought you’d like it because it’s--- but you know, no, never mind. No biggie. I’ve got plenty of stuff.”
The TV is sitting on top of a long, squat cabinet. Hal crouches in front of it and pulls open the bottom drawer, producing a handful of DVD cases, a bottle of lotion, and a grubby box of Kleenex that he tosses in Megamind’s direction. Megamind catches it instinctively and is immediately grateful that he’s still wearing his gloves. He sets the box down gingerly as far away from him on the couch as he can manage.
Once Hal selects a DVD and puts it in the player, he joins Megamind on the couch, placing the Kleenex and the lotion between them. It’s weirdly thoughtful.
“This one’s pretty good,” he says, gesturing at the TV. “It’s these two chicks, and one of them is like, teaching the other one how to do the cha-cha or something---” He suddenly breaks off, winces, and says, “Oh, wait, it’s two chicks. Is that gonna bug you?”
“What?” Megamind splutters, who still can’t quite believe what they’re actually doing. “Why would that bother me, of all the things that are happening right now?”
“Well, ‘cause you’re gay.”
“I’m what?”
Megamind stares at him in horror, and Hal chuckles, glancing around self-consciously.
“Uh... aren’t you?”
“No!” Megamind shrieks. Then, his outrage is drowned under a cold wave of realization, and he asks with dread. “Wait... do I come off as gay?”
Hal chuckles again, still a bit nervous. “Well... kind of.”
Slouching back against the couch cushions, Megamind can feel a blush creeping up the back of his neck and spreading towards his ears. He covers his face with his hands and says raggedly, “This is the worst day of my life.”
“No, no, dude!” Hal holds out open hands in placation. “That’s totally cool! Because, like, I didn’t want this to be a gay thing. I just thought we could, you know, watch some hot chicks, have a good time, just be guys, right? It’s not gay, it’s just, you know?” He gestures emphatically at the television. “It’s not gay if we’re getting off to lesbians!”
Megamind nods miserably, still hiding his face. Hal pats him on the shoulder and starts the movie. As the opening titles come up, he chuckles to himself, “But I totally could have sworn you had a Megaboner for Metro Douche.”
“I don’t!” Megamind whines. “I didn’t. I have--- I had a girlfriend.”
“Who needs a girlfriend?” Hal mutters darkly, then brightens and gestures again at the screen. “I mean, who needs that noise when you’ve got this?”
The plot does seem to loosely concern a dance lesson. Two curvaceous women exchange a few cursory words--- “I don’t know how to rumba!” “I’ll teach you!”--- and then they’re in each others arms. Saucy Latin music plays in the background while the camera lovingly lingers on their bodies, close-ups of asses and tits all swaying to the music and straining against their skintight clothing. The teacher character seems to be the more mature of the two, while the student is a blushing ingenue who lustily whispers that she’s never felt like this before.
“Awesome,” Hal says, his hand kneading the front of his sweatpants. “Here, watch this--- watch---”
As the ingenue twirls away, the teacher keeps hold of the corner of her wrap skirt so that she spins right out of it, leaving her in nothing but her camisole and lacy black panties, which she makes a half-hearted attempt to cover with her hands. Reassurances are murmured. Tops are removed. The scene cuts quite abruptly to the ingenue lying naked and spread eagle on a bed, the teacher’s face buried between her legs.
“Hnh,” Hal grunts in satisfaction.
He tugs down the elastic waistband of the sweatpants and pulls his dick out. It’s already halfway erect, and as he coaxes it harder with his left hand, he pumps a shot of lotion into his right. Megamind has been fighting to keep his eyes on the screen, but once he realizes how exposed Hal is, he suddenly can’t look anywhere else. He forces his face to point straight ahead, but his eyeballs are straining at the edges of their sockets, staring down into Hal’s lap and the action going on down there.
He’s never understood the allure of two-dimensional sexual stimuli. No matter the medium---photographs, magazines, videos--- Megamind has never responded to them in the way which so many humans apparently do. No, he needs his stimuli to be real, something he can smell and touch. He figures that’s why he always got so hot and bothered when Metro Man would get a little too rough with him. It wasn’t Metro Man himself. It was just the fact that he was a warm and heavy body pressing into him, handling him as he’d never been handled before. Megamind has spent most of his life on his own. It was difficult not to get turned on when a handsome beefcake was pinning him to the sidewalk and huskily vowing to bring him to justice.
Even just holding Roxanne’s hand was enough to fill his body with warmth....
No. He’s not going to think about her. He’s not going to think about Metro Man, either, no matter how desperately he misses him. Unfortunately, that last bit might be almost impossible, considering the fact that every time he looks over at the redhead beside him he sees the superhero he once took for granted. Hal has inherited Metro Man’s huge shoulders, his enormous chest and his trim hips. Megamind is quite certain that his arms would be just as strong, that his hands would be just as heavy if they were to take hold of him.
Surreptitiously, the villain slips off his gloves and turns his open palms in Hal’s direction. His sensitive skin picks up the heat that’s radiating off the other man, and Megamind’s mouth opens slightly, his breath catching in his throat. Watching the DVD was a waste of time. Watching Hal watch the DVD is a goldmine, and Megamind’s groin starts to throb with heat.
Suddenly, Hal says loudly, “Dude. I thought you said you weren’t gay.”
“I’m not!” Megamind looks straight ahead. “Oh, man. Those chicks are really hot. I love their... boobs.”
“Then why are you staring at my dick.”
“I was--- I was, uh---” Megamind blurts out the first excuse that comes to him. “It’s different. Than mine, I mean. I was just--- noticing.”
“Oh.” Hal nods slowly. “Yeah, I guess--- wow, I never thought of that. Is that why you’ve still got your pants on?”
“Uh... yes.”
“Well, I don’t mind. You can, uh--- I mean, I won’t think it’s weird. You’ve got a giant blue head, I would guess that you’ve got a giant blue--- well, maybe not giant. But it’s fine that it’s blue.”
And really, why the hell not. Megamind sets to unbuckling his boots while Hal rambles on, one hand still on his cock, his eyes wandering back to the television.
“I mean, I don’t have anything against blue dicks. I was like the one guy in the theatre who wasn’t bothered by the blue dick in Watchmen. Every time it was onscreen people would be like, ‘Ahhhh!’ And I was just like, come on, guys. It’s a blue dick. It’s not the end of the world.”
Right boot off. Hal is picking up steam.
“Okay so there were a couple of scenes where it was like, distracting. But it was more distracting when you thought you were gonna see it and then you didn’t. Like, Dr. Manhattan is coming down these stairs, okay, and first his feet come down into the frame, then his knees, and you’re sitting there like ohhhh boy, here we go again, and right before he reaches the next step, the camera cuts away.”
Left boot off. Megamind starts to wriggle out of his tight leather pants.
“Or, like, when it was offscreen and you just sort of realized, he’s naked right now. They all have to keep eye contact with him because he’s totally naked. Nooooo. The worst scene was his very first one, where he’s blown himself up to be as tall as a building or whatever. He’s got his back to the camera so all you see is this giant blue butt, and you can’t help but realize, oh my God, his dick is as big as Rorschach right now. It’s like a human-sized blue dick. But I mean other than that, it didn’t really bother me, so---”
As Megamind kicks his pants away, Hal glances over and loses his train of thought completely.
“Whoa my God dude what is that.”
“When I said yours was different,” Megamind mumbles nervously. “I was, uh, really serious.”
Because he hasn’t exposed a blue dick. He’s exposed a gently-squirming knot of tentacles, ten in number, each about the length and thickness of his longest finger. Normally they’re quite small and discreet, but thanks to his arousal they’ve grown swollen and slick with lubrication, and their tips probe the air for something to grab onto.
“Oh shit,” Hal breathes. “It’s like the Crotch of Cthulhu.”
“That’s not funny,” Megamind fusses. “And besides I don’t even know what that means.”
Then, Hal starts to laugh. It’s not tender, affectionate giggles. It’s mean, nasty braying, and Megamind’s hands clench into fists against it.
“Dude,” Hal gasps through his mirth. “Have you ever been laid?”
Megamind looks him square in the eye and challenges, “Have you?”
That shuts him up real quick. Hal’s laughter fades into a telling silence, his stubborn gaze returning to the television, his lower lip jutting out on the verge of a full-blown pout. Megamind leans forward, trying to maintain eye contact so he can gloat properly.
“I’m at an anatomical disadvantage!” he crows. “What’s your excuse?”
“Whatever, man,” Hal grunts. “Shut up.”
Exasperated by the whole situation, Megamind drops his elbows to his knees and his chin into his hands. He’s a problem solver by nature. It’s his instinct to look for solutions, even for something like this, but this is the first time that the answer has come to him so quickly and been so neat.
“Wait,” he says with dawning wonder. “Wait. Who says we need Roxanne?”
“Who said anything about Roxanne?” Hal yelps guiltily, which pretty much confirms who he’s been thinking about.
“All right, substitute the word ‘women’ for ‘Roxanne’ and replay that thought.”
“Who says... we need... women?”
“Exactly!” Megamind grins eagerly. “We are two single organic beings with an identical desire that can only be fulfilled by the attention of another organic being. Why not combine our efforts and achieve mutual satisfaction?”
“Uh, you mean... have sex with each other.”
“Yes.”
“Ohhh, dude. No. No.” Hal grimaces and fans at the air as though the suggestion is a tangible mist that must be dissipated. “I’m not gay, okay? That is fucking sick.”
“Now, now, let’s be practical. Let’s be scientific.”
“You can’t science me into being a faggot!”
“Listen. The scientific term is homosexual. Homo, as in same. Sexual, as in, well, sex. Right?”
“Duuuude noooo.”
“Look at this!” Megamind gestures at his crotch and then Hal’s. “Does that look like the same sex to you? Not even close!”
Hal’s scrunched-up face is slowly starting to open again, his eyes pulling into slits that take a cautious peek at the little bundle of tentacles. He looks skeptical, but no longer disgusted.
“How would that even... work.”
Megamind’s confident expression falls into a bemused one. “I am.... not entirely sure.”
Extending a cautious finger towards the tentacles, Hal freaks out when they sense his approach and reach for him, and he jerks his hand back protectively to his chest.
“You’re not gonna try and stuff those in my butthole, are you?”
“That would be a no.” Megamind shudders decisively. “Let’s just--- let’s see what happens.” When Hal hesitates, he presses, “Look. You could snap a skyscraper in half if you wanted to. If you don’t like it, you can just dropkick me through the ceiling.”
“...I’m not gay.”
Megamind grabs the remote, switches off the television, and says coolly, “Me neither.”
Then he swings his legs around so that he’s straddling Hal on his knees. He tugs the sweatpants down to his thighs, exposing him entirely. Then he sits back on Hal’s lap so they can consider each other. Hal’s hands instinctively latch onto Megamind’s hips, and even with such a weak and nervous grip, Megamind can feel how strong he really is. It’s intoxicating. He settles his own bare hands on Hal’s shoulders.
“Okay,” he says. “Let’s take this slow.”
Their sexes are only a few inches apart. During the dance lesson Hal had managed to get his cock fully erect, and Megamind stares at it, entranced. He scoots himself a bit closer, and they both scream like little girls when the tentacles sense the heat of the cock and suddenly grab onto it. They wind around it so quickly that they drag their owner in with them, and Megamind abruptly slides forward in Hal’s lap until their hips bump against each other and their foreheads knock together.
“Oh shit shit shit!” Hal squeals. “Don’t eat me!”
“I’m not going to eat you! I’m just--- oh. Oh. You’re so--- hard.”
“Uhhhh,” Hal stares down between them. “You’re, uh, you’re soft.”
They both watch in amazement as the tentacles explore their new conquest, circling it and feeling it curiously. Megamind twitches and shivers, while Hal emits little grunts as sensation jolts through him.
“This is--- ungh--- so cool.”
“Yeah,” Megamind breathes. “I didn’t know they could--- oof--- they could do that.”
After a few moments of gentle fondling, the tentacles suddenly seem to reach a conclusion. Like a hand closing into a fist, they all find a place around the cock and tighten into an exquisite cocoon of coils. Megamind gasps and Hal groans, “Ohhhh my God.” Instinct tells Megamind that he should start moving right about now, and he slowly pumps himself up and then down again, his knees braced against the couch. Heat spirals through his body in ecstatic spikes. Yeah, that’s definitely working. He does it again and they both shudder with pleasure. Repeat. Repeat.
Megamind drops his hands to press flat against Hal’s tight stomach. The muscles spasm and pulse underneath him and he slides his palms upwards, forcing them under the straining t-shirt to find Hal’s nipples, which he rubs clumsily.
“Ah-hahhh,” Hal moans. “Where should I--- where should I put my hands---?”
Taking his wrists, Megamind guides his hands around behind him.
“Dude, no,” Hal hisses. “I don’t want to touch your butt.”
“Then touch these.”
Megamind claps Hal’s big hands down onto his bare feet, then digs in his nails to encourage Hal to squeeze. Hal reacts accordingly--- he’s so strong--- and Megamind’s hips buck in response. They grind against each other, squeezing and fumbling. A stray elbow catches the Kleenex box and sends it bouncing to the floor.
“Should we---” Megamind pants. “I mean, can I--- can I kiss you?”
“Uh---” Hal pants back. “Uh, sure--- I guess---”
Awkwardly, Megamind dips his head and presses his mouth against Hal’s. Their lips mash together uncomfortably, neither of them experienced enough with the act to know what to do. Megamind tries rolling his head from side to side, like he’s seen in the movies, and that actually helps a little bit.
He kind of likes it, but then Hal jerks his head back and goes, “No, no, you have a beard, it’s too weird.” And Megamind nods breathlessly and agrees, “Okay, that’s fair.”
But he has to do something with his mouth. He wants to taste Hal. So he moves his attention to his neck, licking from his jawline down to his shoulder, drawing a shivery moan from his companion. Encouraged, he shoves up the t-shirt and crushes his open mouth over one of the nipples that he’s already worked into a peak, swirling his tongue around it. Hal likes that--- his back arches up, his chest pressing into Megamind’s mouth, his hands jumping from the slender blue feet to the slender blue shoulders, yanking him down for more. Megamind drags his tongue across that broad chest until he finds the other nipple, which he bites, hard.
“Fuck!” Hal inhales sharply.
His jaw is hanging wide in a perpetual gape. Megamind can see his tongue, and he just wants to taste it, just for a moment. Hal’s eyes are closed so he doesn’t see Megamind sit up quickly, doesn’t know what happening until Megamind kisses him again, open-mouthed, his own tongue darting against Hal’s in a furtive, hungry stroke.
Then Hal grabs onto Megamind’s shoulders and squeezes him so hard that he can feel and almost hear the bones creaking in protest.
“I said don’t kiss me, man.”
“I won’t, okay, I won’t.”
Megamind jerks his pelvis roughly and Hal’s grip goes slack. Then Megamind thrusts again and this time Hal rises to meet him, his hands now grabbing onto the skinny hips possessively. From that moment on, it’s Hal who’s in control of the tempo--- he pumps Megamind at the speed of his choosing, and Megamind can only throw his arms around his neck and hang on. It’s exhilarating--- to be at his mercy like this--- the knowledge that he could not escape from this clinch even if he wanted to, which he decidedly does not. After spending so long fighting for control--- of the city, of the world, of his own miserable life--- it’s thrilling to let go, even if just for a little while.
“Yes,” he gasps in Hal’s ear. “That’s so good. You feel so good.”
In a shockingly raw voice, Hal admits, “So do you.” He clumsily presses his mouth against the side of Megamind’s neck, then grunts, “Okay, hang on. Here it comes.”
Megamind threads his fingers into the thick red hair, grabs hold, and growls, “I’m ready.”
Well, he thought he was ready. Then Hal starts slamming up into him and he almost screams. He pulls on his hair so hard that his arms shake. He never thought that he would move this fast in his life, but it’s Hal who’s moving for both of them, driving them up and down together, his face contorted from the effort. Megamind can feel his sex tightening around Hal and it floods him with pressure and heat, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly, his eyes clenched shut. Hal’s voice reaches him through the haze.
“Fuck--- I’m gonna--- I’m gonna come---”
Suddenly, something breaks. It’s too much. Climax slams into Megamind and he cries out, his body writhing, his head thrown back.
When he opens his eyes he sees the ceiling rushing towards him, and he ducks forward onto Hal, who has rocketed straight up off the couch as he comes. Fortunately his orgasm peaks before they both smash up through to the next floor, and although Megamind’s back and shoulders slam uncomfortably into the ceiling, they bounce right back down to the couch and crash there in a heap of tangled limbs and gasping lungs.
Megamind is, of course, the first one to find his voice, and it’s to remark, “Oh, look, they got small again.”
He’s examining himself, gingerly laying a finger against the tentacles, which are decidedly less swollen than they were before. They’re also covered in a surge of secretion that he can only assume has something to do with procreation. One of life’s little mysteries, that. He’s never really been bothered by it before, and even now, after all that, he can only shrug in amusement.
Hal grins awkwardly at the comment and says, “I guess we’re not that different.”
“Oh! Look. Yours is also smaller.”
“Yeah, uh, that’s what happens.”
“I see.”
Hal wriggles around until he’s got his sweatpants pulled up again. Megamind casts an unhappy glance at his tight leather pants.
“I am so not in the mood to put those back on,” he sighs.
“Well, here.”
After a quick rummage, Hal finds a pair of pajama pants and slings them over to the supervillain. They’re made of a flannel material patterned with images of characters from the Super Mario universe. Charming. Megamind slithers into them and is quite grateful for the drawstring. The two of them settle back down onto the couch and fidget.
“So,” Hal says at last. “Did we just become... friends with benefits?”
“Does that mean two guys who have sex with each other sometimes because neither of them can get a girlfriend?”
“....sure.”
“Then yes, I believe we just did.”
They stare at the dark TV set.
Then Hal says, “Wanna get drunk and make pancakes?”
“Yes, I believe I do.”
And away they go.
_________end.