(no subject)
So, I guess it's about time for an update. It's been long enough I suppose. Ding dong, the bitch is gone. That's right, Amber is out of the apartment. She was much too dirty dirty dirty. Gross. Then my brother moved down here. I thought it would be great having him down here. We never really had much time to get to know each other. I always thought he was okay...
...well, I was wrong. He's my dad junior. All of my father's worst faults are found in my brother. We have gotten in several tiffs about his judgementalness, about his self-righteousness, and about the fact that he knows nothing about me, my life or anything. I feel guilty about opening myself up to him at all. I ended up crying one day in front of him when he tried to play peacekeeper between myself and Monika. (Now, she and I fight, but she is one of the few people who really understands the abuse I suffered for years in the house I grew up in and the way that it affected me.) He said he never believed or understood what happened. Of course not though. He was always off fishing with my absent father or at his friend's house. Do you really think my mother and Ingrid would attack me with witnesses around? No, that's much too sloppy for them. They'd send everyone out of the house before I was hit or cornered or torn down into shreds. I just feel that it's practically impossible for anyone to ever understand truly. And he, who should understand, will never get it because of his own ignorance. He could be my polar opposite. Or perhaps I can't stand the fact that he is so much like my father. So clueless. So pointless in the scheme of things.
I think the time I really flipped was when he told me that I need to move past it all. I've been in therapy for years. But therapy cannot erase 18 years of abuse and pain. Sorry Shawn. You don't have all the answers, mr. golden boy. You'll never get it.
He also expressed to Monika the fact that he thought he was staying here until July. Hah. Come on now. We want a guest room for ourselves. We need the storage and you are living here rent and bill free. Seriously. Who do you think you are?
The NYC trip is on for the weekend of April 8-10. Mon and I are excited to see the boys and Wes and Mark A. Not to mention Tim and Justin. I need to escape. I need an out around people with whom I can feel free.
Mom and Shane are coming in this weekend, so I'm trying to find things to do to occupy my time.
You might think from reading this, that my life is one big pity party, but really, it's not. I don't let too much of this bother me unless I'm writing. I am shy, but social and polite. I get out. I read. I go to concerts and have fun. I'm not a bore or a woe is me kind of person at least I hope not.
I'll try to focus on more upbeat things in the future, like concerts, or flowers, or sunshine or something.
...well, I was wrong. He's my dad junior. All of my father's worst faults are found in my brother. We have gotten in several tiffs about his judgementalness, about his self-righteousness, and about the fact that he knows nothing about me, my life or anything. I feel guilty about opening myself up to him at all. I ended up crying one day in front of him when he tried to play peacekeeper between myself and Monika. (Now, she and I fight, but she is one of the few people who really understands the abuse I suffered for years in the house I grew up in and the way that it affected me.) He said he never believed or understood what happened. Of course not though. He was always off fishing with my absent father or at his friend's house. Do you really think my mother and Ingrid would attack me with witnesses around? No, that's much too sloppy for them. They'd send everyone out of the house before I was hit or cornered or torn down into shreds. I just feel that it's practically impossible for anyone to ever understand truly. And he, who should understand, will never get it because of his own ignorance. He could be my polar opposite. Or perhaps I can't stand the fact that he is so much like my father. So clueless. So pointless in the scheme of things.
I think the time I really flipped was when he told me that I need to move past it all. I've been in therapy for years. But therapy cannot erase 18 years of abuse and pain. Sorry Shawn. You don't have all the answers, mr. golden boy. You'll never get it.
He also expressed to Monika the fact that he thought he was staying here until July. Hah. Come on now. We want a guest room for ourselves. We need the storage and you are living here rent and bill free. Seriously. Who do you think you are?
The NYC trip is on for the weekend of April 8-10. Mon and I are excited to see the boys and Wes and Mark A. Not to mention Tim and Justin. I need to escape. I need an out around people with whom I can feel free.
Mom and Shane are coming in this weekend, so I'm trying to find things to do to occupy my time.
You might think from reading this, that my life is one big pity party, but really, it's not. I don't let too much of this bother me unless I'm writing. I am shy, but social and polite. I get out. I read. I go to concerts and have fun. I'm not a bore or a woe is me kind of person at least I hope not.
I'll try to focus on more upbeat things in the future, like concerts, or flowers, or sunshine or something.