(no subject)
That last entry was a little harsh. I suppose I should clarify myself a bit. I have always had that one person in my life that I could count on. The person who I could turn to and tell almost anything to. Over the past several years that person has changed quite a bit from my Grandma to Melissa to Bonnie to Wes to Travis to Sister Whitten and the list could keep going. I've always had that one person that I could essentially be that person to, and whom I know would be that person to me. Right now, I have such an absence of that, it's not even funny. At first, I thought perhaps Dave would step up and fill the role, but that hasn't happened. Then I thought perhaps it could be Chase. Even Monika could have easily filled that role, but no one wants it anymore I guess. I'm good at being that person for other people. In fact, I fit that role so well that I have people call me all the time when they just need a sound board. Someone to listen. I just don't have anyone I feel cares enough to really listen. I guess that's why this journal has been such an emotional mess lately.
I hate Christmas. This year has been so hard already. I miss my Gram so much I can't even explain it. That's the main reason we decided not to go home for Christmas. Ultimately, it was my decision. I didn't want to be where she isn't. Perhaps that is why I have avoided her house when I've been at home. It won't seem as joyful.
I should explain a little further. My Gram and I were so close. My whole life, she was the only person who knew of how badly I was hurt. About all the horrible things that I went through. She was my rock. She supported me through so much. She was proud of me. Her friends would come up to me all the time and know just as much about my life as I did because she wanted to share so much about me. Without her, I'm really not positive that I would be here. She always knew when to come and take me from the hell I was living. She knew exactly when to call or stop by or when I needed her most. I don't think I was ever fully able to make her understand how much she meant to me or how grateful I was for her.
Holidays were always a special time for us. I would anxiously await Christmas Day when we would weather the snow to drive the 45 excruciatingly long minutes until we arrived at her house. As I got older, I'd drive solo or with my younger sister. Some times I would spend the night. Some times I'd go up the next weekend when school was out. I always looked forward to the break and to having that extra Gram time that none of the other kids understood or felt. She was always have the most beautiful tree and would buy me gifts that were thoughtful. She'd have some sort of new music to share with me or I'd tell her stories about my friends or about high school or about playing in the snow. I'd try to help her in the kitchen and ultimately be underfoot. I knew it was my job to set the table and to set an example for the other kids. Some years she would come to see me in the live Nativity at church or stop by to hear me sing with the choir or to read at early morning mass on Sunday. It was just so special to us. I think now I miss her more than ever.
I thought this year would be great staying down here. Monika and I are close. Why wouldn't it be wonderful? It might just be because everytime Monika and I make plans she blows me off for someone more important, Julia, Brandon, Nikki, Andy and so on. I'm tired of her screwing up my little free time with her bailing on our plans. I guess she doesn't understand how little free time I really have. I just feel so taken advantage of. If I would know that she was going to bail on me, I'd absolutely be able to plan other things with other people, but because I just never know, I get the short end of the stick in the end.
I missed out on a great concert and seeing the boys this weekend because of her.
I just hate when I can't depend on people and it seems I never can. I always get hurt in the end. I just give give give. Maybe I need to join a new club or something and make new friends. What I have just doesn't work out for me. I don't like to always be the person setting things up or calling or so on. That's just not my style. In fact, I get freaked calling people. I always think I'm bothering them or that they really just don't want to hear from me. I guess that's the low self-esteem speaking or whatever, I just always feel like a pest.
I guess all I want for Christmas is to have that one person back in my life. That person whom I can depend on and help at the same time. That person who knows just when to stop by and whom I know just when to call when things are going wrong. I guess that's a pretty big request though. I could settle for some random makeout time though. I think sometimes you just need a kissing buddy.
I hate Christmas. This year has been so hard already. I miss my Gram so much I can't even explain it. That's the main reason we decided not to go home for Christmas. Ultimately, it was my decision. I didn't want to be where she isn't. Perhaps that is why I have avoided her house when I've been at home. It won't seem as joyful.
I should explain a little further. My Gram and I were so close. My whole life, she was the only person who knew of how badly I was hurt. About all the horrible things that I went through. She was my rock. She supported me through so much. She was proud of me. Her friends would come up to me all the time and know just as much about my life as I did because she wanted to share so much about me. Without her, I'm really not positive that I would be here. She always knew when to come and take me from the hell I was living. She knew exactly when to call or stop by or when I needed her most. I don't think I was ever fully able to make her understand how much she meant to me or how grateful I was for her.
Holidays were always a special time for us. I would anxiously await Christmas Day when we would weather the snow to drive the 45 excruciatingly long minutes until we arrived at her house. As I got older, I'd drive solo or with my younger sister. Some times I would spend the night. Some times I'd go up the next weekend when school was out. I always looked forward to the break and to having that extra Gram time that none of the other kids understood or felt. She was always have the most beautiful tree and would buy me gifts that were thoughtful. She'd have some sort of new music to share with me or I'd tell her stories about my friends or about high school or about playing in the snow. I'd try to help her in the kitchen and ultimately be underfoot. I knew it was my job to set the table and to set an example for the other kids. Some years she would come to see me in the live Nativity at church or stop by to hear me sing with the choir or to read at early morning mass on Sunday. It was just so special to us. I think now I miss her more than ever.
I thought this year would be great staying down here. Monika and I are close. Why wouldn't it be wonderful? It might just be because everytime Monika and I make plans she blows me off for someone more important, Julia, Brandon, Nikki, Andy and so on. I'm tired of her screwing up my little free time with her bailing on our plans. I guess she doesn't understand how little free time I really have. I just feel so taken advantage of. If I would know that she was going to bail on me, I'd absolutely be able to plan other things with other people, but because I just never know, I get the short end of the stick in the end.
I missed out on a great concert and seeing the boys this weekend because of her.
I just hate when I can't depend on people and it seems I never can. I always get hurt in the end. I just give give give. Maybe I need to join a new club or something and make new friends. What I have just doesn't work out for me. I don't like to always be the person setting things up or calling or so on. That's just not my style. In fact, I get freaked calling people. I always think I'm bothering them or that they really just don't want to hear from me. I guess that's the low self-esteem speaking or whatever, I just always feel like a pest.
I guess all I want for Christmas is to have that one person back in my life. That person whom I can depend on and help at the same time. That person who knows just when to stop by and whom I know just when to call when things are going wrong. I guess that's a pretty big request though. I could settle for some random makeout time though. I think sometimes you just need a kissing buddy.