how shall i speak of doom (3/?)
"I'm not going to break your heart." They speak words in French like fireworks against her skin. [Kathryn Prescott/Lily Loveless, Skins RPF, PG-13]
how shall i speak of doom
Of course, the next day, Lily has to kiss Jack.
She's not going to lie; she's horribly revolted at the thought.
Especially with Kathryn still lying peacefully beside her, sound asleep, her hand holding Lily's arm in place around her like a lifeline.
Lily has to kiss Jack.
She'll do it; they're professionals, after all.
---
Kat doesn't watch.
She sits in the green room, flipping aimlessly through a magazine, her foot tapping incessantly against the blue carpeting. She fidgets. Plays with her hair. Bites her lip. Crosses and uncrosses her legs.
Luke pokes his head in the room. "Kat, there you are," he says. "We've been looking for you. Why aren't you out on set with the rest of us?"
She thinks fast, her eyes shifting to the side. "Headache," she says after a pause. "Just needed a bit of quiet."
"Well, if you're feeling better now, you've gotta come watch this -- Jack and Lily -- it's fuckin' ace, mate, funniest shit I've ever seen."
"Is that right," Kat says, forcing a smile.
She can't think of a good enough excuse.
She goes with him.
They've just started filming again when she walks to the rest of the cast. She stops. Looks over. Sees Jack pushing Lily against the desk, his body on top of hers, their mouths moving aggressively --
She can't take it. She turns and meets Meg's eyes.
Do what you have to do, Megan mouths.
When the director calls cut and Lily is finally near enough, Kathryn takes her hand.
Lily glances at her confusedly.
Kathryn stands on her toes, leaning close to Lily's ear.
"Sorry," she breathes out, before pressing her lips sweetly against Lily’s, her tongue sweeping across Lily’s bottom lip, and Lily’s breath catches slightly, her hands going automatically to Kathryn’s waist. Kat waits for a hint of hesitation, or a small tremor of surprise going through the other girl's body, but she finds none; instead, Lily's kissing her back just as gently, her hand sliding up to cup Kat's cheek.
This gesture, for some reason, makes Kat want to cry. She assumed Lily would--
--she doesn't know. She pulls away. “Sorry,” she repeats, very quietly, dropping her eyes to the floor. She feels nearly ashamed, with her public display of affection, the ridiculous need she felt to claim Lily, to wipe away any traces of Jack with her own touch, and this is all so silly, but she--
Lily comes to an understanding. She lifts a hand to Kathryn’s chin, tilting her face up.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, and kisses Kathryn again.
She closes her eyes tightly against the sudden sharp sting of tears, willing them away, her nails digging in to Lily’s arms, though not painfully - desperately. Lily, for what it's worth, doesn't even flinch.
Kathryn breaks the kiss one last time, and immediately buries her head in the crook of Lily's neck, because she fears she may actually begin to cry. It's strange, this feeling -- she doesn't know what she was expecting from Lily, but it wasn't this. She's had too many experiences with being hurt, being pushed away at the wrong times, being misunderstood in her intentions; but this -- this is not that -- this is Lily, warm and accepting and so, so lovely.
Kat can't remember why she was even worried in the first place.
Lily wraps her arms around Kat and rests her chin on Kat's shoulder, smiling lightly, but everyone in the room can see the adoration on Lily's face, the joy, the serenity, the absolute love -- as if she is cradling the entire universe in the palms of her hands. She holds Kathryn while she cries, and even after she’s stopped.
(Jack and Luke high-five in the background after a minute of shocked silence.
Ollie blushes, but he’s smiling, and Lisa’s giggling, and various crew members are whistling and catcalling and --
Megan looks at Kaya. Kaya looks away.)
---
“I’m sorry,” Kat whispers again later, when they’re lying in bed, fully clothed and facing each other, with about an inch of space between them. Kat’s eyes are still red. “It’s just-”
“You don’t need to explain-”
“No.” Kat cuts her off, pressing a finger to her lips. “I need you to know - it’s not that I was just - showing everyone because of that - it’s just….”
Lily runs her fingers up and down Kathryn’s side, urging her to continue.
Kathryn looks at her.
“It’s just,” she finally answers, “I’ve never - loved anyone like this before. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to do with myself half the time - I don’t know how to control it - and it’s so easy; it’s so easy, being in love with you, and it’s so terrifying.”
“I know,” Lily says, so softly that her voice is barely a murmur. She closes her eyes, and lays her head on Kat’s arm. “I know - but - you can’t control it, Kat. You can’t. You shouldn’t try.”
Kat bites her lip. “But-”
“I’m not going to break your heart.”
"You could. Can. I need you to know that."
Lily opens her eyes. The intensity of her stare is almost frightening. "You don't think it goes both ways?"
"I didn't - think," Kat says, a bit sheepishly. "Doesn't it - scare you?"
Lily pushes herself onto her elbow, her cheek in her hand. "Kathryn," she says slowly, "should I be scared?"
"No!" Kat denies vehemently. "I would never hurt you-"
"Exactly," Lily says, sounding satisfied, adjusting her head back onto Kat's arm. "Now, you're done with this, yeah? I love you, Kit Kat. We're not going to destroy each other."
(For some reason, the words hovering on the tip of Kat's tongue sound suspiciously like We already are.)
She sets her head next Lily's, and the sun cuts a delicate swath of light through the curtains as it sets, bathing them in an orange glow. When she falls asleep she dreams in black and white, of strangers' faces and pale lips, and they speak words in French like fireworks against her skin; there are brief flashes of yellow out of the corner of her eye, and everything smells of gingerbread. Even when she wakes, she can't make a connection.
---
Megan feels as if watching over Lily and her sister is a harder job than the actual acting.
It's not that she shouldn't care this much -- Kat's her twin, for fuck's sake -- it's just that there's too many people involved she wants to protect.
She sees Kaya laughing at something Kat's said out of the corner of her eye as they line up for breakfast in the hotel restaurant. Her stomach is twisting into knots under her skin, her ribs are tight in her chest, her breathing is coming out shallow; like she's having an anxiety attack. She shakes her head twice, cracking her neck.
She walks over.
"Hey," she greets, grabbing an apple off of the counter."Where's Lily?"
It's an innocent enough question, but Kaya shoots her a look anyway.
"She's still asleep," Kat replies, smothering her bagel in vegan cream cheese. Megan makes a face. "She's not feeling to well - she's got a cough. Luckily we don't have to be on set until noon; we're filming on location again, at Naomi's house."
Megan sees the flash of concern cross Kaya's face. "You're not up there taking care of her?" She questions, although it comes across as more of an accusation. Megan blinks in surprise.
Kat doesn't notice; she smiles easily. "I'm getting us breakfast - she wanted a yogurt." She nods at the peach-flavoured cup sitting next to her plate.
"What happened to your plot to turn her vegan?" Megan jokes, tossing Kaya the apple as a chill-the-fuck-out gesture. Kaya frowns.
"Oh, we're getting there. She's sick - she gets a free pass today." Kat picks up her tray, nodding at them slightly to signal a goodbye. "I'll see you later, yeah?"
"See you." Megan waves her off. When she turns around, Kaya is looking up at the ceiling.
"I want to go check on her," she says. "Just to - you know. Make sure she's okay."
"We will," Megan says gently. "Before they leave to film, we'll stop round, yeah?"
"Yeah," Kaya responds after a beat, meeting Meg's eyes. "Okay."
---
Kat closes the door softly behind her when she enters their room.
"Lily," she calls out, "I've got your yogurt."
"Thanks," is the muffled reply. Kat slips off her shoes and turns the corner just as Lily walks out of the bathroom, freshly showered, toweling her hair to dry it faster.
"Feeling any better?" Kat asks, setting down her tray on the table. Lily shrugs.
"A bit," she says. "Well enough, I suppose." She sits down on the bed, making sure the towel around her body is still intact. Kat sits on the opposite side, laying a hand flat against Lily's bare back.
"It's okay," Kat tells her. "It's like - a fun scene. We'll be done before you know it, and then you can come back here and rest. We'll watch Come Dine With Me."
Lily laughs, and it quickly turns into a cough. "Jesus Christ," she moans, and falls back, her head in Kat's lap. "Why me? Make it stop, Kit Kat, yeah?" And coughs again, covering her mouth with her hand.
Kat grins. She tugs Lily's arm down, and puts her fingers against the side of Lily's jaw, tilting her head.
"No, no," Lily protests, trying to turn away. "You'll get sick-"
"I don't care," Kat murmurs, and kisses her, her hair falling across Lily's cheek.
Lily sighs into the kiss, her fingers curling around Kat's knee.
"Do we have time?" She asks when Kat pulls away. "I'm just - I'm so tired. I want to lie here, with you, just like this."
Kathryn leans down again, and presses a kiss carefully to Lily's forehead, the way you would touch something of immeasurable value.
"For you and I?" She says, stroking Lily's hair away from her face. "There's always time."
---
"Come on, Meg," Kaya prods, knocking on the bathroom door. "They're leaving soon."
"You can't even let me brush my teeth?" Meg replies, a bit crossly. She's not really a morning person. "Just give me one minute, yeah?"
One minute turns into more like five, causing Kaya to develop the obnoxious habit of tapping her nails incessantly against whatever hard surface she's resting her hands on. Megan finally slides her extra key into Kat and Lily's door at eleven oh-eight, pushing it open, but stopping just inside.
"Kat?" Meg calls out hesitantly. "Is everybody decent in there? Can we come in?"
"Shhhh," is Kat's reply, though it sounds a bit like she's hissing at them. "Come in, but keep your voice down."
Kaya walks forward first, peaking around the corner. She blinks once. "Is she - okay?"
Megan comes up behind her, taking in the scene. Kat's leaning against the headboard, script in hand, while Lily sleeps soundly, curled up in a ball, her head in Kat's lap. Kat runs her fingers through Lily's hair occasionally, or up and down her side, soothing her. Lily's empty yogurt cup sits on the table beside them, where both of their mobiles are plugged in, charging. Kat's laptop sits open on the table by the window. Clothing is scattered messily about the room, and a pile of it lays on the bed closest to them, which looks as if it hasn't been slept in at all.
"She's doing better," Kat answers, glancing down. She can't help the small smile that seems to now permanently reside on her face. "She's just tired, mostly."
"That's good." Kaya clears her throat. "Just -- you know -- make sure she doesn't over-exert herself today, yeah?"
"I will," Kat promises, and breaks off at the sound of the phone ringing. "That'll be the car."
"I'll grab it," Kaya says, and answers, speaking quickly into the receiver. "Thank you very much -- yeah -- they'll be right down."
Megan watches as her sister lays a hand on Lily's cheek, stroking the skin softly with her thumb; and then, as if she can't help herself, she bends down and presses a light kiss into Lily's hair, whispering very soft things Megan can't hear.
Lily stirs a moment later. "Time to go?" She says sleepily, pushing herself up.
"Yeah," Kat says, stretching. "They just called. Car's here."
"All right," Lily responds, looking around the room. "Kat, where are my trainers?"
"The black ones?"
"Yeah. Oh - found them-"
"No, those are mine - I put yours by the door after I tripped over them twice this morning."
Lily laughs. "Sorry."
"You two have matching shoes?" Megan interrupts, enjoying their exchange. "That's almost nauseating."
"Fuck off," Kat replies, but smiles anyway. "They go with anything - and they were on sale."
Kaya snorts. "I'm going to have to agree with Meg," she says. "You two are so cute it's sickening."
"Oh, come on," Lily chimes in, blushing. "We're not that bad."
"Enough, everyone." Kat ushers them all out the door, in her haste to be on time. "We need to leave."
"I'm glad to see you and my sister are still getting on then," Megan says quietly on their way to the elevator.
Lily smiles. "Oh, I don't know," she says seriously. "Kat's a remote hog. It can't last."
"Oh, piss off," Kat responds, overhearing their conversation. "That was one time-"
"One time? It was more than that, mate-"
"Well, it was a few times, but they were new episodes-"
"Just admit it, you're a selfish wanker who gets off on having control over the telly-"
They bicker the entire way to the car, just like this, and by the time they say goodbye, Megan's got tears in her eyes from laughing so hard. She turns to Kaya, who watches them drive away with a strange expression on her face.
"I think I get it," she says softly, and Megan moves closer to hear her better. "They're - perfect. I've never seen two people more perfect for each other. It's - I don't know. It's lucky. It's so, so lucky."
"It wasn't luck, Kaya," Megan tells her, lowering her voice to be just as soft. "That's what you don't get. Lily and Kat - it couldn't have happened any other way. This wasn't a coincidence."
"Do you really believe that?" Kaya asks, turning to face her, crossing her arms over her body.
(Megan remembers, all those years ago, Kat in one of the Mountview plays over summer - she wasn't paying very much attention - but at the curtain call, she remembers Lily when her hair was still long and brown, and Kat reaching up to hug her, standing on her toes, her hands brushing the back of Lily's neck. And Megan remembers Lily's voice, when it was time to say their goodbyes; she was backstage while Kat gathered her bag, with Lily right beside her - Kat had murmured a hurried yet sincere great job, see you around, and Lily, staring after her, yeah, you too.
And she remembers the last day, where they were late picking her up, and when they pulled next to the curb they saw Kathryn standing awfully close to a tall brunette (Lily, Megan will think later) and when she waves goodbye and gets in the car, Megan can see the girl still standing out front, watching them go. Megan tries to think forever but the word won't come.)
"Yeah," she says finally, holding a hand to above her eyes to cover the glare from the sun. "Yeah. I really do."