As things are
I typically seem to surround myself with people that care and would do practically anything to help me. Some have and tere is no way to tell them just how much that meant to me. Thing is, I always seem to do something to fuck up my friendships / relationships with people. I try my hardest to live a life of honesty but then something always seems to happen and, because I don't want to appear weak, needy, or pathetic to those I consider friends, I end up telling mistruths or partial truths and sometimes get caught or rather at least that I know of... it could be I get caught more than I think and people just don't talk to me about it.
The fact that the information comes to light is not what bothers me. If you lie enough, eventually the truth comes out. What bothers me is that I find it easy to basically lie to others, or sometimes not tell all the parts to a situation. Is it pride? Is it embarrassment ? It is probably both. I feel that if I don't hold to others expectations of me that they will seem me as weak, pathetic, and quite frankly not worth their time. The reason for this feeling definitely stems from my childhood and yes, I know I have self esteem issues. Problem is that it's a double edged sword I play with and usually get cut by both ends.
How can one be strong, mind and soul (energy), when the body seems to be defective ? I've had / still having way too much medical shit happen to me to be strong in body. I do try and rise up from it, but all I feel others seem to see is a person that waves a white flag at the first sign of a necessary battle.
I'm sick and tired of being alone, of pushing people away through my actions. I'm also sick of being younger mentally than I am physically. If anything I have learned from this world is that you have to be as mature as your natural age.
I know that I can withstand almost any challenge put forth to me, but when a behavior is learned overtime, it's hard to overcome that kind of battle.
Some of you reading this know what's going on, others may not. Either way I'm not asking for forgiveness or to forget my actions. What I am saying is that it always hurts when I do these things and then end up losing respect and trust of the people I care about the most.
Pressing forward all I can do is do the things I have already put into motion and see where these paths take me.
The fact that the information comes to light is not what bothers me. If you lie enough, eventually the truth comes out. What bothers me is that I find it easy to basically lie to others, or sometimes not tell all the parts to a situation. Is it pride? Is it embarrassment ? It is probably both. I feel that if I don't hold to others expectations of me that they will seem me as weak, pathetic, and quite frankly not worth their time. The reason for this feeling definitely stems from my childhood and yes, I know I have self esteem issues. Problem is that it's a double edged sword I play with and usually get cut by both ends.
How can one be strong, mind and soul (energy), when the body seems to be defective ? I've had / still having way too much medical shit happen to me to be strong in body. I do try and rise up from it, but all I feel others seem to see is a person that waves a white flag at the first sign of a necessary battle.
I'm sick and tired of being alone, of pushing people away through my actions. I'm also sick of being younger mentally than I am physically. If anything I have learned from this world is that you have to be as mature as your natural age.
I know that I can withstand almost any challenge put forth to me, but when a behavior is learned overtime, it's hard to overcome that kind of battle.
Some of you reading this know what's going on, others may not. Either way I'm not asking for forgiveness or to forget my actions. What I am saying is that it always hurts when I do these things and then end up losing respect and trust of the people I care about the most.
Pressing forward all I can do is do the things I have already put into motion and see where these paths take me.