we're nothing more than fools with hearts
I write here to gather my thoughts. The only thing I know for certain is that life is a circle.
My last post was about a girl, whom I liked like no one ever before. Today, alas, is officially the end, as I finally convinced her to come out with me, only to have her tell me that it's not a date, and that she really isn't interested. And I guess, regardless of how convinced I am that she likes me, what she says has to be respected, otherwise words lose the meaning that they refer to, and thus, all hope is lost regardless.
But, boy, could one say that Europe has been good for me.
I have dated a lot, which is to say, hardly at all, but a lot for me. I've learned some very important things, two of which will be summarized below:
1) People like me. As odd as that sounds, it is so comforting to know that so many people want to be my friend. For example, I had dinner with my friends parents, who are Croatian and speak very limited english. We speak and try to communicate and succeed for the most part. But at the end of dinner, the father said to me, "Names don't matter, all that matters is that you have a good character."
And that's when it hit me, people like me. I'm a good person. I have complete faith now that I can anywhere in the world and make friends. And that is a life skill.
2) That I'm attractive. In America, people only think about what is wrong, what is unattractive. And perhaps it's the same here, but I've discovered that I am an attractive person. People check me out. People flirt with me. And that's something that's never happened before. I do not have a doubt anymore that, at some point, someone will like me again. And that is a grand obstacle overcome for me.
For instance, yesterday, I went on a date with a Swedish girl. She liked me, I liked her. We both wanted it to work. She greeted me with a hug and a little kiss. But it just didn't work. We didn't click. We just couldn't keep the conversation going. And it wasn't awkward. We both knew it was a good try, but for some reason it didn't work.
And then today with my semi-date with the girl I couldn't imagine being more amazing, worked fairly well, we had a good time and conversation, save for the fact that she told me she didn't like me when I tried to pay for her.
But, knowing that something--someone--that amazing in the world exists is comforting enough. If there's one, there's got to be another, right? I can only hope that it's true and it's not one of those one in a lifetime things. But my heart tells me it's not.
But here's the problem. I am stuck in my societally defined gender role. Everyone else has more experience than me. It appears to me to be my role that I am the one that has to do the pushing, the asking out, the kissing, everything. For example, the girl today had never had sex, never been in a relationship. For her, the guy will guide her through it.
But is the inexperienced male caught in a cycle of his inexperience? That is to say, who will teach the male his societal roles, if he, himself, is supposed to be the teacher? My fear is simply learning how to kiss. Because it seems like something that should be natural, but it seemingly isn't. Or perhaps it's both.
Perhaps it just takes time. Perhaps, I just have the experience level of someone much younger, say a 15 year old, and that for in his case as well as mine, the experience will come with time, building, bit by bit, on the knowledge that one already has?
Because frankly it used to take a whole lot for me to ask for someone's number, for me to ask someone out, now I can do it without really having much trouble.
But is the same to be said about kissing? Could frankly I learn to do it without actually doing it? Or could it be like everything else, that eventually with repetition--with forcing oneself to do it--one learns how and eventually learns how?
The question is not whether it is possible for me, really, but, rather, how you learned to.
When one is fifteen or thirteen or seventeen--at some age younger than me when it is societally acceptable to be learning all of this-- how did you learn to kiss, to have sex, to hold hands, to do any and all of it? One would assume that it's from practice, and by building on each step, feeling comfortable holding hands with people, then would lead to one wanting to push themselves to kiss people more and feel comfortable with that. Gaining confidence in one should lead to then, gaining confidence in another step.
Perhaps, I can't actually rush it. Perhaps, I am indeed behind most people, but, then again, who is to say being behind is bad? Perhaps it's necessary to take it as the french do--doucement. By approaching this slowly, gently, and by thinking back on how much progress I've made in just one year, perhaps by next year at this time there won't be much of a difference between you and me.
I can only hope. I sit here looking out my window thinking that I'm missing something that all these other people have.
Perhaps, it's foolish to leave it up to fate. Yet, I have to take comfort in the fact that somehow it will all work out. Somehow it always seems to. The reason you train sometimes doesn't explain itself until 6 months later.
My only hope is that there is someone out there with the patience--the love--to teach me the way.
I pray that even though I'm late, I haven't done something to keep love away.
My last post was about a girl, whom I liked like no one ever before. Today, alas, is officially the end, as I finally convinced her to come out with me, only to have her tell me that it's not a date, and that she really isn't interested. And I guess, regardless of how convinced I am that she likes me, what she says has to be respected, otherwise words lose the meaning that they refer to, and thus, all hope is lost regardless.
But, boy, could one say that Europe has been good for me.
I have dated a lot, which is to say, hardly at all, but a lot for me. I've learned some very important things, two of which will be summarized below:
1) People like me. As odd as that sounds, it is so comforting to know that so many people want to be my friend. For example, I had dinner with my friends parents, who are Croatian and speak very limited english. We speak and try to communicate and succeed for the most part. But at the end of dinner, the father said to me, "Names don't matter, all that matters is that you have a good character."
And that's when it hit me, people like me. I'm a good person. I have complete faith now that I can anywhere in the world and make friends. And that is a life skill.
2) That I'm attractive. In America, people only think about what is wrong, what is unattractive. And perhaps it's the same here, but I've discovered that I am an attractive person. People check me out. People flirt with me. And that's something that's never happened before. I do not have a doubt anymore that, at some point, someone will like me again. And that is a grand obstacle overcome for me.
For instance, yesterday, I went on a date with a Swedish girl. She liked me, I liked her. We both wanted it to work. She greeted me with a hug and a little kiss. But it just didn't work. We didn't click. We just couldn't keep the conversation going. And it wasn't awkward. We both knew it was a good try, but for some reason it didn't work.
And then today with my semi-date with the girl I couldn't imagine being more amazing, worked fairly well, we had a good time and conversation, save for the fact that she told me she didn't like me when I tried to pay for her.
But, knowing that something--someone--that amazing in the world exists is comforting enough. If there's one, there's got to be another, right? I can only hope that it's true and it's not one of those one in a lifetime things. But my heart tells me it's not.
But here's the problem. I am stuck in my societally defined gender role. Everyone else has more experience than me. It appears to me to be my role that I am the one that has to do the pushing, the asking out, the kissing, everything. For example, the girl today had never had sex, never been in a relationship. For her, the guy will guide her through it.
But is the inexperienced male caught in a cycle of his inexperience? That is to say, who will teach the male his societal roles, if he, himself, is supposed to be the teacher? My fear is simply learning how to kiss. Because it seems like something that should be natural, but it seemingly isn't. Or perhaps it's both.
Perhaps it just takes time. Perhaps, I just have the experience level of someone much younger, say a 15 year old, and that for in his case as well as mine, the experience will come with time, building, bit by bit, on the knowledge that one already has?
Because frankly it used to take a whole lot for me to ask for someone's number, for me to ask someone out, now I can do it without really having much trouble.
But is the same to be said about kissing? Could frankly I learn to do it without actually doing it? Or could it be like everything else, that eventually with repetition--with forcing oneself to do it--one learns how and eventually learns how?
The question is not whether it is possible for me, really, but, rather, how you learned to.
When one is fifteen or thirteen or seventeen--at some age younger than me when it is societally acceptable to be learning all of this-- how did you learn to kiss, to have sex, to hold hands, to do any and all of it? One would assume that it's from practice, and by building on each step, feeling comfortable holding hands with people, then would lead to one wanting to push themselves to kiss people more and feel comfortable with that. Gaining confidence in one should lead to then, gaining confidence in another step.
Perhaps, I can't actually rush it. Perhaps, I am indeed behind most people, but, then again, who is to say being behind is bad? Perhaps it's necessary to take it as the french do--doucement. By approaching this slowly, gently, and by thinking back on how much progress I've made in just one year, perhaps by next year at this time there won't be much of a difference between you and me.
I can only hope. I sit here looking out my window thinking that I'm missing something that all these other people have.
Perhaps, it's foolish to leave it up to fate. Yet, I have to take comfort in the fact that somehow it will all work out. Somehow it always seems to. The reason you train sometimes doesn't explain itself until 6 months later.
My only hope is that there is someone out there with the patience--the love--to teach me the way.
I pray that even though I'm late, I haven't done something to keep love away.