I think someone mistook my heart for a lemon, and the lemonade tastes really bad
Dear anybody who happens upon this,
I'm not writing this just for people to read, I'm writing it so I can get some of it out of me. So, for those who don't feel like hearing my whining, don't read it.
My mood fluctuates severely. Sometimes i will be perfectly fine, and other times, I am sobbing hysterically. But I have a meeting with my youth minister tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. I hate the fact that he was right about things to do with relationships. I feel so alone. The only thing that I really have left is my family. I feel like it is kind of too late to start making really good friendships with people at bay, because we will all be done with high school in like 3 weeks. And I don't really feel like I can depend on my friends through josh. And even though kari, has been pretty good, it still hurts. I mean, they were friends with josh first, so it's understandable that they would pick him, but it isn't really helping me.
I went for a run today. I wanted to run 1/2 a mile on the track, but there was a soccer game going on, so I ran the Bay loop. I hate running. But I wanted to feel some physical pain without actually hurting myself. And hopefully, I will be exhausted enough that I fall asleep quickly and sleep through the night. I woke up crying this morning at 3 in the morning. My parents let me climb into bed with them.
I don't know if josh can even be a good friend to me right now. I hate the way that I feel around him now. I'm still begging for his attention. I hate it. So, no more calling him. If he wants to be my friend, then he is going to have to actually act like my friend. He's supposed to call me tonight. We have a lot to talk about. Actually, I have a lot to talk about, he probably won't say much. If he calls. I pray that it won't hurt when he doesn't call.
But right now, the pain is unimaginable. The way I feel right now is 10 times worse then when I was having a great time with josh. I don't think that that made any sense, but I know what it means. It just hurts. The best thing that happened all day, was when Josh's friend "Crack head" (he's not really, his last name is McCracken) saw that I was crying and gave me a big hug, and I don't even know him that well. Gah. I'm going to get off of here and try and stop moping, but I don't know what else to do. I have to be in charge of my own happiness, right? God, it hurts
I'm not writing this just for people to read, I'm writing it so I can get some of it out of me. So, for those who don't feel like hearing my whining, don't read it.
My mood fluctuates severely. Sometimes i will be perfectly fine, and other times, I am sobbing hysterically. But I have a meeting with my youth minister tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. I hate the fact that he was right about things to do with relationships. I feel so alone. The only thing that I really have left is my family. I feel like it is kind of too late to start making really good friendships with people at bay, because we will all be done with high school in like 3 weeks. And I don't really feel like I can depend on my friends through josh. And even though kari, has been pretty good, it still hurts. I mean, they were friends with josh first, so it's understandable that they would pick him, but it isn't really helping me.
I went for a run today. I wanted to run 1/2 a mile on the track, but there was a soccer game going on, so I ran the Bay loop. I hate running. But I wanted to feel some physical pain without actually hurting myself. And hopefully, I will be exhausted enough that I fall asleep quickly and sleep through the night. I woke up crying this morning at 3 in the morning. My parents let me climb into bed with them.
I don't know if josh can even be a good friend to me right now. I hate the way that I feel around him now. I'm still begging for his attention. I hate it. So, no more calling him. If he wants to be my friend, then he is going to have to actually act like my friend. He's supposed to call me tonight. We have a lot to talk about. Actually, I have a lot to talk about, he probably won't say much. If he calls. I pray that it won't hurt when he doesn't call.
But right now, the pain is unimaginable. The way I feel right now is 10 times worse then when I was having a great time with josh. I don't think that that made any sense, but I know what it means. It just hurts. The best thing that happened all day, was when Josh's friend "Crack head" (he's not really, his last name is McCracken) saw that I was crying and gave me a big hug, and I don't even know him that well. Gah. I'm going to get off of here and try and stop moping, but I don't know what else to do. I have to be in charge of my own happiness, right? God, it hurts