Torchwood: A Love Story
So Ianto’s like this mild-mannered teaboy. I mean he makes jokes and makes coffee and looks good in a suit (like really good. Like let's start a religion with a shrine and everything good) and just sort of fades out into the background. No I mean literally. You never see him. And no-one seems to think much about him. They don’t even invite him to play basketball with them, even though they do expect him to put the ball away afterwards.
But he has the last laugh because he has this totally radical cyberchick girlfriend. I mean quite literally she’s a robot, well half-robot, which is totally a geek wet dream. In heels and everything. But things don’t work out. It’s just one of those things. She gets all narky because she’s so over being human and kind of throws him into a puddle of water.
Which he totally wasn’t expecting because she was so nice before and he made her a really spankin’ cyber-conversion unit and everything.
But anyway Jack is pissed about this. Because, seriously, if anyone’s going to throw Ianto across a room and make him make shit, it’s him. 51st century pheromones, you know. Plus he fancies Ianto. Like, I mean, really fancies him. Like “I’d snog him even if he were dead” fancies him. (Which he totally does) But Ianto’s not having it even though he totally has the hots for him too. He even gave him a pterodactyl. But Ianto's kind of all about Lisa, who Jack tries to kill with the pterodactyl which isn’t exactly a cool thing to do after someone gives you a gift.
But afterwards Jack is all “Whatevers. The deadly cyberchick thing wasn’t cool, but I still dig you. And even though I totally have the hots for the new girl I’d still do you.” And Ianto’s like ‘this place is like the Hotel California. What does a bloke have to do to get fired around here?’
Anyway for about four episodes they sort of don’t really speak to each other or even really share screentime. (well except for that one time when Jack decided they had to go camping and Ianto was like, my last snog was Lisa. Stick it, Jack. And Jack was all like, Seriously I was totally your last snog. And you know I’m gonna be your next snog, right?
And Ianto’s like “whatever Jack, tell it to the hand.” And then they almost get eaten by cannibals.) But then Suzie comes back and she’s pissed and not liking death much so Jack has to shoot her. And Ianto’s got this spankin’ new (or old) stopwatch and they're standing over her body being all deep and sad and shit and Ianto says, “I know I said I hated you and that I’d totally watch you die and everything, but would you like to have sex with me and my stopwatch?”
And Jack grins and is all like ‘yeah, stopwatches are cool’. And then they do it. At least I think they do it. And it must be the most out of this world, amazing sex evah because Ianto’s suddenly all “he needs me” and “why can’t I stop sniffing his coat and he doesn’t even mind that Jack snogs some hot bloke from the 1940s, who then goes and gets himself killed off. (well maybe he does a bit)
Because then Bilis, this totally cool, but otherwise pretty useless villain starts messing with their heads because he’s all into religion and this really radical, but totally crap cgi type god creature, which Jack sees off with his supercool superpower and Ianto's all back to being "suck it Jack. Owen's kind of nuts at the moment with his Diane fetish and yeah I tried to shoot him before to stop him, but I'm sure now he totally knows what he's doing opening the rift and stuff. Plus kissing random fly-boys and pretending I don't exist? Not cool." (And everyone else is like yeah, So what if he lost the plot with Diane deciding she'd rather take her chances with the rift than him, Owen totally knows what he's doing.)
(This is a Torchwood Service Announcement: In times of extreme crisis always go by the least stable person in the room. Nothing can go wrong if you follow this golden rule.)
But then afterwards Jack's sort of pissed with his team for totally killing him and betraying him and not listening to him when he’s always sort of annoyingly right all the time and so he runs off with the Doctor, who isn’t exactly keen to meet up with him again (like “I’d rather travel to the farthest reaches of the universe than catch up with you again” not keen).
And Ianto’s sad, but then he becomes cool and kick-ass and all “don’t mess with my stungun” so it’s all good. And Gwen takes over and Owen becomes nice (sort of). And well Tosh is still Tosh and we love her for it because every super secret agency needs a sad eyed computer genius, who sucks at love (and I mean sucks. Like ‘mind altering psycho boyfriend’ sucks), but who is also not so secretly kickass.
The End
But he has the last laugh because he has this totally radical cyberchick girlfriend. I mean quite literally she’s a robot, well half-robot, which is totally a geek wet dream. In heels and everything. But things don’t work out. It’s just one of those things. She gets all narky because she’s so over being human and kind of throws him into a puddle of water.
Which he totally wasn’t expecting because she was so nice before and he made her a really spankin’ cyber-conversion unit and everything.
But anyway Jack is pissed about this. Because, seriously, if anyone’s going to throw Ianto across a room and make him make shit, it’s him. 51st century pheromones, you know. Plus he fancies Ianto. Like, I mean, really fancies him. Like “I’d snog him even if he were dead” fancies him. (Which he totally does) But Ianto’s not having it even though he totally has the hots for him too. He even gave him a pterodactyl. But Ianto's kind of all about Lisa, who Jack tries to kill with the pterodactyl which isn’t exactly a cool thing to do after someone gives you a gift.
But afterwards Jack is all “Whatevers. The deadly cyberchick thing wasn’t cool, but I still dig you. And even though I totally have the hots for the new girl I’d still do you.” And Ianto’s like ‘this place is like the Hotel California. What does a bloke have to do to get fired around here?’
Anyway for about four episodes they sort of don’t really speak to each other or even really share screentime. (well except for that one time when Jack decided they had to go camping and Ianto was like, my last snog was Lisa. Stick it, Jack. And Jack was all like, Seriously I was totally your last snog. And you know I’m gonna be your next snog, right?
And Ianto’s like “whatever Jack, tell it to the hand.” And then they almost get eaten by cannibals.) But then Suzie comes back and she’s pissed and not liking death much so Jack has to shoot her. And Ianto’s got this spankin’ new (or old) stopwatch and they're standing over her body being all deep and sad and shit and Ianto says, “I know I said I hated you and that I’d totally watch you die and everything, but would you like to have sex with me and my stopwatch?”
And Jack grins and is all like ‘yeah, stopwatches are cool’. And then they do it. At least I think they do it. And it must be the most out of this world, amazing sex evah because Ianto’s suddenly all “he needs me” and “why can’t I stop sniffing his coat and he doesn’t even mind that Jack snogs some hot bloke from the 1940s, who then goes and gets himself killed off. (well maybe he does a bit)
Because then Bilis, this totally cool, but otherwise pretty useless villain starts messing with their heads because he’s all into religion and this really radical, but totally crap cgi type god creature, which Jack sees off with his supercool superpower and Ianto's all back to being "suck it Jack. Owen's kind of nuts at the moment with his Diane fetish and yeah I tried to shoot him before to stop him, but I'm sure now he totally knows what he's doing opening the rift and stuff. Plus kissing random fly-boys and pretending I don't exist? Not cool." (And everyone else is like yeah, So what if he lost the plot with Diane deciding she'd rather take her chances with the rift than him, Owen totally knows what he's doing.)
(This is a Torchwood Service Announcement: In times of extreme crisis always go by the least stable person in the room. Nothing can go wrong if you follow this golden rule.)
But then afterwards Jack's sort of pissed with his team for totally killing him and betraying him and not listening to him when he’s always sort of annoyingly right all the time and so he runs off with the Doctor, who isn’t exactly keen to meet up with him again (like “I’d rather travel to the farthest reaches of the universe than catch up with you again” not keen).
And Ianto’s sad, but then he becomes cool and kick-ass and all “don’t mess with my stungun” so it’s all good. And Gwen takes over and Owen becomes nice (sort of). And well Tosh is still Tosh and we love her for it because every super secret agency needs a sad eyed computer genius, who sucks at love (and I mean sucks. Like ‘mind altering psycho boyfriend’ sucks), but who is also not so secretly kickass.
The End