BSG fan fic Choices
I set out to write happy pilot fic and this is what I came up with....
Title: Choices
set in S3
Lees POV: L/K, L/D - overall pilot unhappiness
Choices
His neck is tense, and he rolls his shoulders before reaching for a smaller screwdriver.
Since the first attack they didn’t have enough men for repairing their birds, but now, after New Caprica things are getting desperate. Double shifts became standard long ago, and Lee is tired, exhausted.
“Frak.” One of the bolts escapes his fingers, and he picks it up slowly, staring at his hand as he does so.
His wedding band is a shimmering gold, and how it can feel like lead at moments he’ll never understand. He knows it would be easier to do repairs without it, but he doesn’t ever take it off. Dee has started to tease him about it, but when she does her smile is sad, and he wonders if she knows that once it’s off he’s not sure he’ll ever want to put it on again.
“Everything okay, sir?”
The Chief has come up beside him; his sudden voice surprises Lee, and the bolt nearly slips out of his grasp again. He realizes that he must have been standing there staring at his ring for quite some time.
“No, nothing is okay”, Lee feels like saying, and he has to bite down hard on his lip to keep the words down. "Nothing is okay", but of course he can't state that out loud. So he forces himself to nod slowly and turns back towards the viper, feeling the older man's eyes in his back.
For a second he wonders if the Chief is going to try to send him away. He knows he looks like he could use a break, but he is the CAG, and they need every hand they have so he isn’t too surprised when the Chief finally turns away.
Lee has to squint to keep his vision from blurring; he feels bone tired but it isn’t long now until the current CAP returns, and he wants to know if Checker and Seaside, who only got their wings yesterday, did okay.
And if there might be any other reason for him to stick around he’d rather not think about that.
Besides he hasn’t been able to sleep properly for the last few days now, and if he just keeps pushing himself into exhaustion then maybe his body will take over and finally force his mind to shut down.
He dreads another sleepless night in his bunk, with his wife cuddled up next to him, her arm on his chest, breathing peacefully, and him trying not to move because like everyone else on Galactica she deserves all the rest she can get.
He dreads staring at the dark shadows that are all he can see of her face, feeling a guilt that makes his heart clench because she is beautiful and a wonderful person and she loves him, but it still isn’t enough.
Even with his arms around her and her breath in the hollow of his neck he feels alone and oddly detached.
He wonders if this is all his life is going to be. Being stuck on the Galactica, its hulls the only shield from the deadly cold and the dark of space, endlessly fighting the cylons.
Lee rubs his eyes to force them open and sighs because there is a very real possibility for that. The thought hurts, but he’s risking his life nearly every day out there and pragmatic as he is he knows that his chances to see a bright, shiny future aren’t really that good.
CAP comes in just as he is finished fixing a leaky oil-filled cable, and he watches as Checker happily hops out of his viper. Lee has to smile as he observes him and Seaside proudly going over their post flight checks, trying unsuccessfully to make it look like they’ve done it a thousand times.
His smile fades as he sneaks a glance towards the last pilot climbing out of her bird. He knows he shouldn’t care at all, is even angry at himself that he does, but as always he’s relieved that Starbuck is safely back. They are barely on civil speaking terms, but he still knows that there is something very wrong with her. He can tell from the way she flies, she has always been bold, but now it’s downright dangerous, like she doesn’t care if she lives or dies, and it scares him.
Maybe it’s because her marriage is failing.
Lee quickly looks away as she turns her head. When he first heard the rumours about Anders and her splitting up he had felt the tiniest spark, but he had crushed it ruthlessly. He has been down that path more times than he cares to admit, and after her last blow he is not going there. Ever.Again.
To get out of the flight deck she has to pass him, and when he hears her steps he turns around. ”Report, Captain.”
Starbuck looks tired, her face drawn, but at his sharp tone something flares in her eyes. She throws him a sloppy salute, and it seems to be more of an insult, but he decides to let it slide.
“They were doing okay out there. Might even be able to take on a raider.”
“A lonely and confused one”, she adds with a louder voice as she sees Checker and Seaside trying to listen in on the conversation. They both just grin happily at her before leaving, and a smile is tugging at Lee’s lip because it’s seldom he sees people act so carefree nowadays.
When he turns back to Kara she is staring at him.
“You look like hell, Apollo. Married life not what you thought it would be?”
For a moment Lee is too stunned to react. Her remark hits way too close for his comfort and anyways, how dare she bring that up?
“Maybe I’m the wrong man for that question. You should ask Anders”, he replies coldly, and with a morbid satisfaction he realizes that even if they might not be friends anymore he still knows how to draw her blood.
“You’re right; I guess you are the wrong man.”
Hot anger seems to radiate from her in waves, closing in on him, and it pisses him off to no end. She is angry at him? How can she be that angry at him after all she did to him!
Lee grabs her shoulders, digging his fingers deep into her flesh, knowing it must hurt because her flight suit is bundled up at her hips, and he’s touching naked skin, but right now he doesn’t care.
“Good that you figured that out early enough, then.”
It’s out before he thinks about it, and he wishes he hadn’t said it because they have never talked about that one night on New Caprica, a night that has been hunting him ever since, and he really doesn’t want to go there with her.
She stares at him, something like pain flickering in her eyes, but she recovers quickly and pushes at his chest, trying to get out off his grip except he is still angry and he is not letting go.
Finally she stops struggling and looks up into his face, hazel eyes fixing on blue.
“It was the right choice”, she says so softly that Lee has to lean forward to hear her.
By now she is really close, seemingly drawn in to him like she doesn’t have another choice, and does he imagine it, or is there a slight flush creeping along the base of her neck?
Suddenly it’s hard to breath, and his fingers tingle with the need to brush along her cheeks, to see if he does have the same effect on her she has on him, but then her words sink in.
Lee let’s go of her abruptly, stepping out off her space.
Her words hurt, and self loathing bubbles up inside him because he still let’s himself be affected by her so much and it makes him hate her that little bit more.
“Yeah, it was.” He throws back at her with as much disgust as he can muster. “You are nothing like Dee.”
It’s true in a wrong, twisted way, and maybe he has gone too far, but he can’t take it back, doesn’t want to take it back.
Kara’s lips go pale, she puts her arms around her own body, hugging herself, and for the split of a second she looks sad, but it’s over before he’s sure it was ever there, and all he can see now is fury.
He waits for her to hit him; he has seen her throw punches for smaller insults, but to his surprise she doesn’t, she just turns around, stalks away, and if it wasn’t Starbuck it would look like she’s fleeing.
His eyes follow her until she’s out of the flight deck.
“It was the right choice”, he murmurs. “It was the right choice.”
There are forty thousand people left in the fleet, and he surely must be the most self destructive of them all because even as he repeats it one more time he knows it’s a lie.
Title: Choices
set in S3
Lees POV: L/K, L/D - overall pilot unhappiness
Choices
His neck is tense, and he rolls his shoulders before reaching for a smaller screwdriver.
Since the first attack they didn’t have enough men for repairing their birds, but now, after New Caprica things are getting desperate. Double shifts became standard long ago, and Lee is tired, exhausted.
“Frak.” One of the bolts escapes his fingers, and he picks it up slowly, staring at his hand as he does so.
His wedding band is a shimmering gold, and how it can feel like lead at moments he’ll never understand. He knows it would be easier to do repairs without it, but he doesn’t ever take it off. Dee has started to tease him about it, but when she does her smile is sad, and he wonders if she knows that once it’s off he’s not sure he’ll ever want to put it on again.
“Everything okay, sir?”
The Chief has come up beside him; his sudden voice surprises Lee, and the bolt nearly slips out of his grasp again. He realizes that he must have been standing there staring at his ring for quite some time.
“No, nothing is okay”, Lee feels like saying, and he has to bite down hard on his lip to keep the words down. "Nothing is okay", but of course he can't state that out loud. So he forces himself to nod slowly and turns back towards the viper, feeling the older man's eyes in his back.
For a second he wonders if the Chief is going to try to send him away. He knows he looks like he could use a break, but he is the CAG, and they need every hand they have so he isn’t too surprised when the Chief finally turns away.
Lee has to squint to keep his vision from blurring; he feels bone tired but it isn’t long now until the current CAP returns, and he wants to know if Checker and Seaside, who only got their wings yesterday, did okay.
And if there might be any other reason for him to stick around he’d rather not think about that.
Besides he hasn’t been able to sleep properly for the last few days now, and if he just keeps pushing himself into exhaustion then maybe his body will take over and finally force his mind to shut down.
He dreads another sleepless night in his bunk, with his wife cuddled up next to him, her arm on his chest, breathing peacefully, and him trying not to move because like everyone else on Galactica she deserves all the rest she can get.
He dreads staring at the dark shadows that are all he can see of her face, feeling a guilt that makes his heart clench because she is beautiful and a wonderful person and she loves him, but it still isn’t enough.
Even with his arms around her and her breath in the hollow of his neck he feels alone and oddly detached.
He wonders if this is all his life is going to be. Being stuck on the Galactica, its hulls the only shield from the deadly cold and the dark of space, endlessly fighting the cylons.
Lee rubs his eyes to force them open and sighs because there is a very real possibility for that. The thought hurts, but he’s risking his life nearly every day out there and pragmatic as he is he knows that his chances to see a bright, shiny future aren’t really that good.
CAP comes in just as he is finished fixing a leaky oil-filled cable, and he watches as Checker happily hops out of his viper. Lee has to smile as he observes him and Seaside proudly going over their post flight checks, trying unsuccessfully to make it look like they’ve done it a thousand times.
His smile fades as he sneaks a glance towards the last pilot climbing out of her bird. He knows he shouldn’t care at all, is even angry at himself that he does, but as always he’s relieved that Starbuck is safely back. They are barely on civil speaking terms, but he still knows that there is something very wrong with her. He can tell from the way she flies, she has always been bold, but now it’s downright dangerous, like she doesn’t care if she lives or dies, and it scares him.
Maybe it’s because her marriage is failing.
Lee quickly looks away as she turns her head. When he first heard the rumours about Anders and her splitting up he had felt the tiniest spark, but he had crushed it ruthlessly. He has been down that path more times than he cares to admit, and after her last blow he is not going there. Ever.Again.
To get out of the flight deck she has to pass him, and when he hears her steps he turns around. ”Report, Captain.”
Starbuck looks tired, her face drawn, but at his sharp tone something flares in her eyes. She throws him a sloppy salute, and it seems to be more of an insult, but he decides to let it slide.
“They were doing okay out there. Might even be able to take on a raider.”
“A lonely and confused one”, she adds with a louder voice as she sees Checker and Seaside trying to listen in on the conversation. They both just grin happily at her before leaving, and a smile is tugging at Lee’s lip because it’s seldom he sees people act so carefree nowadays.
When he turns back to Kara she is staring at him.
“You look like hell, Apollo. Married life not what you thought it would be?”
For a moment Lee is too stunned to react. Her remark hits way too close for his comfort and anyways, how dare she bring that up?
“Maybe I’m the wrong man for that question. You should ask Anders”, he replies coldly, and with a morbid satisfaction he realizes that even if they might not be friends anymore he still knows how to draw her blood.
“You’re right; I guess you are the wrong man.”
Hot anger seems to radiate from her in waves, closing in on him, and it pisses him off to no end. She is angry at him? How can she be that angry at him after all she did to him!
Lee grabs her shoulders, digging his fingers deep into her flesh, knowing it must hurt because her flight suit is bundled up at her hips, and he’s touching naked skin, but right now he doesn’t care.
“Good that you figured that out early enough, then.”
It’s out before he thinks about it, and he wishes he hadn’t said it because they have never talked about that one night on New Caprica, a night that has been hunting him ever since, and he really doesn’t want to go there with her.
She stares at him, something like pain flickering in her eyes, but she recovers quickly and pushes at his chest, trying to get out off his grip except he is still angry and he is not letting go.
Finally she stops struggling and looks up into his face, hazel eyes fixing on blue.
“It was the right choice”, she says so softly that Lee has to lean forward to hear her.
By now she is really close, seemingly drawn in to him like she doesn’t have another choice, and does he imagine it, or is there a slight flush creeping along the base of her neck?
Suddenly it’s hard to breath, and his fingers tingle with the need to brush along her cheeks, to see if he does have the same effect on her she has on him, but then her words sink in.
Lee let’s go of her abruptly, stepping out off her space.
Her words hurt, and self loathing bubbles up inside him because he still let’s himself be affected by her so much and it makes him hate her that little bit more.
“Yeah, it was.” He throws back at her with as much disgust as he can muster. “You are nothing like Dee.”
It’s true in a wrong, twisted way, and maybe he has gone too far, but he can’t take it back, doesn’t want to take it back.
Kara’s lips go pale, she puts her arms around her own body, hugging herself, and for the split of a second she looks sad, but it’s over before he’s sure it was ever there, and all he can see now is fury.
He waits for her to hit him; he has seen her throw punches for smaller insults, but to his surprise she doesn’t, she just turns around, stalks away, and if it wasn’t Starbuck it would look like she’s fleeing.
His eyes follow her until she’s out of the flight deck.
“It was the right choice”, he murmurs. “It was the right choice.”
There are forty thousand people left in the fleet, and he surely must be the most self destructive of them all because even as he repeats it one more time he knows it’s a lie.