Vegan Taco Mac with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr., part 6.5
A/N: Stupid shit, a lot of talk about video games: Dauntless, World of Warcraft, Black Desert Online, geekery, featuring Cutie Pie the Streamer and R.O.B the Nintendo robot character, spilling lima beans
Count Macrula, Count Macula, Jr., FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I returned from Publix and saw Joebear and the spirit of Colonel America smashing the TVs. Joebear had anger issues because he lost to Hecarim in League of Losers too many times. He switched over to playing Dauntless.
FreeLee the Banana Girl saw the TVs being destroyed and was pleased.
"Send FreeLee the Banana Girl to the heavens! She is done here!" Count Macrula shouted as lightning shot out of the palms of his hands.
FreeLee the Banana Girl floated to heaven. Everyone noticed, nodded, and then went on with his or her day.
Joebear then grabbed a TV, walked outside, and took a dump on the TV. I got excited and joined him outside.
Tyler1, Joebear, the cast of PeeWee Herman, Paul the Goat, Patches, Princess Lindsay Cartington, Prince Carrington, and Nugget screamed. The Grinch hobbled up to Count Macula, Jr.'s castle and grumbled.
Count Macrula sang in dark angelic language before he shouted, "HOOOMMEEE!!!!" in a baritone language. A winter wonderland was blanketing the inside of Count Macula, Jr.'s family of gray bears' castle. A gust of snow entered the windows of the castle and burst them open dramatically.
We were all of a sudden surrounded by great high cathedral ceilings topped with snow. Count Macula, Jr.'s family photos, including his long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears when he was still Colonel Mac, had Christmas ornaments and Happy New Year lights surrounding them.
Count Macula, Jr. himself began to change again. His gray hair now was white, so he was a white bear. He also had bat wings and even sharper teeth. "Coooool!!!! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!" he shouted as his high-pitched Southern voice echoed in the castle.
"WOW!!! This kitchen looks Santa's workshop on crack!!!" Lindsay shouted as she poked her head in the kitchen door. We heard the jingling of bells. "I didn't know Count Colonel Mac lived in a winter wonderland castle! Wow!!!." She was wearing a blue princess gown today.
We will dub her Princess Lindsay Carrington.
Count Macula, Jr. skipped over to her and stared at her. "Dear Princess, my name is no longer Count Colonel Mac," he said.
Princess Lindsay Carrington stared at the white cub before her. "Excuse me. I was addressing Count Colonel Mac. I know not of whom thou art," she spoke as she chewed on a corn tortilla chip.
"I am Count Macula, Jr! I have become a white cub due to 2021 coming to town. I am a vambear," the white cub said as he looked directly at Princess Lindsay Carrington.
"So you're telling me that you were formerly known as Colonel Mac, then Count Colonel Mac and that you are now Count Macula, Jr.?" Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.
"Yes," Count Macula, Jr. said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!"
"So much can happen in a grocery shopping trip!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said dramatically.
Patches, Princess Lindsay Carrington's cat, walked in the kitchen and meowed loudly. She shook the whole fucking castle. Snow fell to the ground.
"JEE WHIZ!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted like Tyler1 as he skipped in the kitchen. He had a widow's peak and intense brown eyes. Needless to say, he had a set of lungs on him.
"Are you Count Macula, Jr.?" Patches asked.
"YES!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this!
We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this!"
Joebear, Colonel America's spirit, Count Macrula, Mr. Williamson, Princess Lindsay Carrington, Kendrick, Pauno, and Peter's therapist, the cast of PeeWee Herman, the Grinch, and I started cooking the vegan taco mac.
Colonel America's spirit wavered in the air. "I have returned to fill an important role in this story. I am the logic in this otherwise completely illogical nonsensical saga," he announced as he began to boil the canned beans.
"THERE BETTER NOT BE LIMA BEANS IN THERE!" Count Macrula shouted. Then, he stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "Not to mention, you fulfill the Colonel role in these covulted stories." as he was washing the spinach. He laughed a boisterous evil vampire laugh.
"Where are the avocados?" Mr. Williamson asked. "We're supposed to have guacamole with vegan Taco mac."
"Says whhoooooooo??? Yiiiickkkkk!!!" Count Macula, Jr. said.
"Agreed. Fuck avocados. Worst fruit ever. Should be abolished," I said.
"Disagreed. The only thing worse than an avocado is a lima bean," Count Macrula said. He shuddered. "The horror!"
A random bear jumped in the kitchen and said, "I brought lima beans for the vegan taco mac with Count Macrula-" He spilled lima beans all over the floor.
Count Macrula screamed and used red eye rays to disintregrate that poor bear and the lima beans.
I chuckled and continued to chop up peppers and onions.
"So are you not even allowed to bring lima beans in the kitchen?" Reba the Mail Lady asked as she brought a bunch of cans of lima beans into the kitchen.
Count Macrula shot his death rays at Reba the Mail Lady and disintregrated her. Lima beans then exploded out of the cans and all over the kitchen. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! The horror!!!!" Count Macrula shouted as he shot death rays out of his eyes at each and every goddamned lima bean that had the misfortune of being in that kitchen. "Get out of here, you damn dirty beans!!!" He shot lasers everywhere and disintegrated parts of our bodies that were near lima beans. My right ulna hasn't been the same since.
Princess Lindsay Carrington started rinsing the rice for the rice cooker. "That answers our question. Now if I may ask, can we even mention Lima-"
Count Macrula was quickly shooting the death rays in her direction.
"Lima, Peru! It's one of my favorite cities to visit. I say!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she was dramatically trying to catch her breath.
Count Macrula then smiled widely and said, "Why yes! That is one of my favorite cities! You can mention that all you like!" he said as he washing the lettuce with a huge smile on his face.
A female goat stared at him in concern as she was boiling the whole golden kernel corn.
I laughed as a response to the trauma that just occurred.
"Did you know avocados are good?!" Peter shouted as he poked his head in the kitchen.
I growled as I threw the knife I was using to chop up peppers and onions at Peter's head. "Bastard," I muttered. I shot death rays at Peter and missed. "Bastard."
Peter left and started laughing.
"Wow baebae!" Joebear said as he put the macaroni in the boiling water. He set the timer for 10 minutes before doing a sexy bear dance.
"No avocados for me! I didn't buy any!" I said as I growled and continued to chop peppers and onions.
PeeWee Herman picked up the knife, did his typical laugh, and did a goofy walk in the kitchen. He washed the knife before chopping up the tomatillos.
Miss Oreo meowed before she jumped off the window sill in the kitchen. How she was unscathed, I couldn't figure it out.
Pauno then walked in the kitchen. "For people who like guacamole or tacos while they wait, I shall make them rain from the sky!" he announced. "And cue the naked chicks and the riced cauliflower for low carb diets!"
"Thank you," Mr. Williamson said. "Oh. Excuse me. I spoke too soon."
Vampiresses, snow ladies, werewolf women, cat women, and naked lady goats and elven women flooded the castle.
Pauno then walked to the living room and threw his hands in the air. Lightning came out of them as he brought down guacamole, Mexican salsa, nacho chips, riced cauliflower, and many napkins. Everyone in the living room cheered.
Mexican salsa music started playing in the background. Vampires, werewolves, cats, goats, elves, and snowpeople began to dance.
That, of course, was when Count Macrula's phone began to ring. "WHAT IS IT?!" he shouted as he was in the middle of chopping tomatoes at lightning speed. "I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING A LOW CARB DIET. ATKINS IS MY IDOL!!!!"
"THE IT OFFICE IS ON FIRE!" an equally loud woman shouted over the phone.
Count Macrula then started laughing as his ass off as he threw his head back. I could tell he was sick of working. "Let it burn. Fuck 'em. The Gwinnett County Fire Department would never understand the intracies of a low carb diet!!!"
"I CAN'T QUENCH THESE FUCKING FLAMES. I ALREADY PEED DURING MY LUNCH BREAK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK TODAY! I DON'T WANT TO TRY YOUR LOW CARB DIET!!!!" the loud woman shouted.
"Not that I'm aware of. If you would have tried a low carb diet, you would remembered to specifically schedule me for work," Count Macrula said as he raised his eyebrow and chopped the cilantro. "Morpheus, put this cilantro in the pico de gallo!"
"Apparently you will today. All of Gwinnett County is on fire, and we are short staffed! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT A LOW CARB DIET! QUENCH THESE FLAMES BEFORE EVEN MORE HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!!" the loud woman said with a sigh.
Count Macrula sighed. "Why should I be concerned?" He then laughed. "But, yes. Let me wash my hands and put a Dracula mask on. I'll be right over!" he said.
"Halloween's over, you asshole! So is Thanksgiving and so is Christmas, as a matter of fact," the loud woman shouted. "It's 2021 already. Where the fuck have you been?"
"IN A FREEZER!"Count Macrula screamed. He hung up and then screamed again. The vegan Taco Mac was done in a jiffy as a result, like gluten-free low-carb Jiffy cornbread mix. He moved time forward by an hour. Then he returned to normal. "Duty calls," he said as he then flew out of the castle and had the face of Count Dracula.
"What if I told you that you forgot to consider those of us with high blood pressure and until riced cauliflower was a menu item in Chipotle Mexican Grill, you forgot to consider those of us on a low-carb diet?" Morpheus asked as he was preparing the pico de gallo.
Literally everyone stared at Morpheus. Count Macrula's face appeared on the wall and just stared at him. He was trying to shoot death lasers at Morpheus, but his physical body was trying to fly back to the office.
"How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.
"No meat. No other animal products. Low sodium. Low gluten. Low carb. Low sugar. Real ingredients. Added hormones. And... limited advocado?" Peter said aloud before he shouted and threw his hands up dramatically, "I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T FUCKING DO MATH!!!!!!!"
"NO LIMA BEANS!" Count Macrula shouted as his eyes had fire as pupils. He was the mirror on the kitchen wall. He was the fairest of them all.
"Would that make it ten dietary restrictions?" Pauno asked as he brought down low sodium chips, low sodium salsa, low sodium guacamole, and low carb taco shells with no salt added. "Kind of like the 10 commandments. Coincidence! I THINK NOT!" The other Greek Gods sang in the background as he spoke with conviction.
"Yes!" Count Macrula shouted. The vibrations of his voice knocked down a bowl of guacomole. "I don't think it's a coincidence, either. Hhhmmmmmmmm!!!!!"
"Goddammit!" Pauno said as he used more energy to create a table that only had bowls of chips and bowls of guacomole on it.
Paul the Goat bleated as he was jacking off. "I'm at a party, JENNA!!! You have a trust fund.... You can go to parties. Why is it my fault the Bank of the Ozarks Credit Card isn't paid off?!.... And? It's under your name!.... WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?! THERE IS GOING TO BE A GREAT RESET AT THE END OF THE MONTH.... LOOK IT UP ON WORLD ECONOMIC FORUMS DOT COM!!!! THEY TELL YOU ON THEIR WEBSITE... I'M NOT MAKING UP SHIT!!!" he shouted as his blue eyes were bugged out of his head. He bleated for twenty-one minutes straight.
Peter couldn't help but laugh. "That's why I ain't EVER getting married," he commented.
"My marriage is fucked up sometimes, too," Joebear said. He was mixing all of the ingredients of Vegan Taco Mac together as his bear booty bounced in the air.
"Yes, you act ridiculous, too, Boo," I said as I smacked his ass as hard as I could.
"Pssh! OWWWW!!!! Bae that hurt!!!! Yeah, okay! You're the one who almost added black beans to the Taco Mac last time and thought about forcing me to eat that shit!" Joebear said with a long-winded growl. He then washed his paws.
(The shit that goes on in food preparation would mortify people if they knew about it. I used to work at Chipotle Mexican Grill back in 2014. I am an expert on the business that happened there.)
"Baby, I add all the ingredients together-" I said.
Joebear interrupted me with a growl as he dried his paws with a paper towel. "No!"
"I say! May I please have an extra side of black beans?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London asked in his. black pleather thong. He was a great prince who I served on Sunday afternoons.
"Yes, you may!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she served him a side dish of black beans.
"Thank you, kind woman," he said as he started to eat.
"You are welcome, kind sir," Princess Lindsay Carrington said.
"Ahhhhhh!!!!! A man from the United Kingdom entered a kitchen in Untied States of America! He may be infected with the zombie virus!!!!!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he frantically threw the chopped tomatillos in the freezer. "Protect the food!!! Protect the refried beans!!!!" He was frantically putting prepared food in the freezer.
"A zombie werewolf. Sounds about right for 2021. He may radiate us all and turn us into the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I just hope he doesn't make us look like the demons in the Michael Bay movie. That was a disgrace! Ruined my childhood," I said.
"If we don't put the refried beans away, they'll be RADIATED beans! Holy Shit!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he tried to escape the kitchen through the castle window. He remembered to put his mask on (a face that looked like his) before he successfully jumped out of the window.
The remaining cast of PeeWee Herman screamed in agony as they ran around the castle in terror before they, too, put their masks on and jumped out of the window.
"Oh God! Who cares? Refried beans look out something that came out of an asshole!" Joebear yelled. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm traumatized. I'm playing a game of Dauntless. Fuck this shit. I'm not putting on a mask. I'm not social distancing. Fuck you. "
I cracked up as I made bowls of vegan Taco Mac.
"Just in case there are assholes who like radiated refried beans," Pauno said before he brought refried beans from the heavens. "Low sodium, low carb, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, vegan, organic, made in Heaven, heavy with hormones, and produced in Greece, freshly microwaved at 1200 watts."
Paul the Goat bleated as he hung up his phone before adding radiated refried beans to his vegan Taco Mac. He even added his own goat milk to the Taco Mac. The balance of the world was thrown off because the Taco mac was no longer vegan. He looked at his cell phone and bleated. "WHY ARE THERE 20 messages from politicians in my inbox????!!!!"
As a result of Paul the Goat throwing off the balance of Vegan Taco Mac and having 20 political messages in his inbox, Count Macula, Jr.'s face ended up on eight walls of the castle. One of his faces ended up right next to the picture of the long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears. Count Macula, Jr. spoke in stereo. "WHY ARE THERE REFRIED BEANS IN MY CASTLE? WHY ARE THEY SENDING ME POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENTS?! MY PARENTS ALREADY VOTED STRAIGHT TICKET REPUBLICAN! WE DON'T WANT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IN AMERICA!!!!"
"Because they are a Mexican food," Pauno said. "They're there. Also, I agree. I voted straight ticket Republican. I don't want Rome to govern Greece."
"I will allow it the radiated refried beans time, but never again," Count Macula, Jr. said in stereo. "I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again."
Count Macula, Jr. repeated himself 64 times. How obnoxious! Eight Count Macula, Jrs. saying the same thing eight times equals 64 times. He was ready to make that 512 times.
The computer Joebear was sitting at caught on fire and exploded. "My frame feels fried," he said as he stared at the flames emerging from the computer before Kissy jumped in his lap. "And, I am going to purge my mailbox of political ads."
I laughed. "I don't know what's going on. I haven't known what's going on for the past two years. I have been writing the same story 512 times, and I'm still not done with it. This is so stupid," I said with a laugh as I playbeat my bear. "I, too, grow tired of the political ads in my mailbox."
"It sounds like you need a raid therapist," Joebear said as he watched the World of Warcraft unfold in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle. "And I need a better group. What a bunch of scrubs."
"THERE WERE FIVE IDENTICAL FLIERS IN MY MAILBOX!!! I AM ONLY GOING TO READ ONE. I WILL PURGE MY MAILBOX OF THESE POLITICAL PIECES OF TOILET PAPER!!!! THERE WERE 20 TOTAL!!!" Count Macrula said as his face on the wall blew fire into the castle. He melted a couple of snowpeople.
Pauno laughed. "Does anyone actually give a shit about radiated refried beans right now?" he asked. "Also, these state is America is decadent. Full of Marxists. May God strike down these evil men in power!"
Before the rest of us screamed, Count Macula, Jr. screamed "Yes!" 512 times. Count Macrula refried and radiated the beans again with his breath of fire.
We heard a bunch of random angry gamers on Cutie Pie's stream shouting swear words at the Giant Count Macula, Jr. raid boss and bitching about politics. Count Macula, Jr. grew to be 30 feet tall. The fuck did we put in the low carb vegan Taco Mac?
Lifeskillers get to be pussies while the grunts take all the risks and make no money in World of Warcraft or Black Desert Online. Even in video games, no one is compensated correctly. Working for someone in America doesn't pay enough for anyone to make bills unless you are a lucky person who works for the corrupt government. And even then the government doesn't compensate correctly because they don't compensate for the mental stress they put their citizens and workers under. Their servers suck and take a shit. Doing your own business is the only way to have any sanity whatsoever.
"Are we getting on VR?" Cutie Pie asked.
"YES!" Tyler1 shouted. "It's for alcoholics and losers!"
"I'M A LOSER!" Peter screamed angrily as he got off the couch he was on.
The screen turned black. Joebear growled and complained that his eyes were sore. His eyes were watering.
Angry gamers were just chattering like hell.
A chubby man in a cat suit meowed loudly as he flew through a window next to one of Count Macula, Jr.'s faces. "I'm a hungry cat in the night, looking for food. And perhaps..." he said as he raised his black eyebrows and widened his blue eyes. "Something else!"
"I'm horny! Bbbbbaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" BioNHack, a goat streamer who played Black Desert Online, said as he screamed like a thunder cat.
The Thunder Cats theme song started to play in the background.
"Whhhooooaaaaa!!! I'm not gay!" Catman shouted as he jumped on a table with nachos and salsas and started eating.
Count Macula, Jr.'s faces shouted ethereally 512 times in the beat of the Thunder Cats theme song, "I'm not gay! I'm not gay! Holy Shit I'm not gay! I'm not gay!"
"How do I join your world?" Cutie Pie asked as he was also dancing to the theme song.
A technicolor screen from the 60s just appeared in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle.
"Find your MD square!!!! Empty square, bro!!!!!!" Cutie Pie shouted to his posse.
"What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?" Count Macula, Jr. asked in stereo.
"I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not trying to guess," Joebear said. He made a noise that sounded like an air compressor. "I used to love WoW. It upsets me to see it turn into a retard fest. I played during BETA!!! I used to respect the game. I don't respect it anymore."
I laughed so hard. "I can't breathe," I said.
"Do you have the Rona?" Pauno asked. "Do you have the plague?"
"Technically yes. I'm from the United Kingdom," Prince Oliver, Zombie Werewolf of London, said. "Also, Braaaainsssss!!!"
A few people stopped eating, put on their masks, and ran out of the exit farthest away from any zombie werewolf.
"MY HOUSE SUCKS!!!!" an angry gamer shouted before he neighed.
"No. I don't have the plague. My temperature is 98.3 degrees Fahrenheit with no symptoms of being a zombie. I'm laughing hysterically," I said. "It gets to be too much." I belly-laughed.
"I'm BIGGGGGG!!! Just too big!!!!" Joebear said as he rolled on the floor and did a cute growl.
A bunch of gamers laughed their asses off before they farted. They were drunk already.
Princess Lindsay Carrington, Prince Carrington, and Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London were drinking heavily to deal with the stress of this castle and the fact that by default, they were infected with the United Kingdom strain of the Coronavirus.
Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile burst through the castle doors and growled. They then went to eat bowls of vegan Taco Mac. Then they drank a few bottles of Jameson.
Cutie Pie materialized and laughed at Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile.
"I SAY! DO YOU REPTILIAN BEASTS REALIZE THAT THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM HERE WHO BY DEFAULT HAVE A STRAIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS???!!!" Prince Oliver shouted while he wore a mask.
A bunch of angry gamers were shouting about random shit over the Discord.
Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile shouted.
"Ooooohhhh shit!" Ted the Alligator shouted as he headed toward the same exit away from anyone British. .
"We got Coronavirus!!!" Jack the Crocodile screamed as he followed Ted the Alligator.
"We must quarantine in the moat!" Ted the Alligator said as he burst through a castle door and jumped in the moat.
Jack the Crocodile jumped in the moat with Ted the Alligator. The reptilian beasts guarded the castle with true intimidation and strength.
"ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!" an angry gamer shouted. "Can you explain why I am quarantined for being radiated?"
Joebear was then up a male behemoth's crotch in Dauntless. "Let's get this asshole!"
A snowman fell out of the sky and started laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor. Then he fucking melted.
"What the fuck?" Cutie Pie asked. "Jameson actually tastes like ass. Moxy, you need to spank your ass in your own room and quarantine for 14 days. It doesn't sound like he is enjoying it. I feel uncomfortable. It's like he is Jesus or something. "
Bruce Dwillinger, a youtube King James Bible preacher, descended from the Heavens and said, "Hey! You're all losers!"
Kissy walked around the castle. Garfield danced to some party music before he ate some vegan taco mac.
Joebear announced. "This is ridiculous. Not gonna lie. Here we go... Dawgs..."
DarthSydePhineas then dropped these beats: https://youtu.be/RIWWEpx-PiQ
Duke the Ace of Dodging and Riley the Ace of Riddling barked outside of the castle walls to the beat of the song. Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile growled at them.
"STAY OUT! THE PEOPLE IN THIS CASTLE ARE INFECTED WITH THE UNITED KINGDOM ZOMBIE VIRUS!" Ted the Alligator growled.
"STAY OUT! TURN AWAY AND RUN LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER RUN BEFORE!!!" Jack the Crocodile shouted.
"Oh shit! Everyone has this damn virus!" Duke the Ace of Dodging yelled as he ran away.
"It's true! I was quarantined for 10 days at the vet with Bruce the Ace of Butt-fixing when he and I had it. We almost died!" Riley the Ace of Riddling shouted.
"Yes. Megara the Ace of Meddling and I were deeply worried. Toby McGuire the Ace of Finger-Gumbing provided emotional support to us by gumbing our paws," Duke the Ace of Dodging said.
Angry gamers started puking because they drank entirely too much. Count Macula, Jr. and I started handing everyone water bottles.
"This reminds me of a drinking contest I won against Xara three years ago," Peter said with a laugh as he now wore a mask that looked like something Bane from the DC comics would wear.
"Shut the fuck up, Peter," I said. "How was I supposed to know you were 75 percent Irish you asshole?!!" I flicked him off before Garfield walked over to me. I pet my cat.
Peter laughed as he made sure that he and his therapist would six feet away from everyone else. "Yeah. You mentally scarred the people at that restaurant by how much you puked. IT WAS A PILE!!!!"
"Yeah. I almost died that day," I said. "Garfield. Stay near Mommy and let Daddy anally rape this monster."
Peter belly laughed, held his abdomen together, and had his eyes closed.
"You're an asshole extraordinare!!!!!" I shouted.
"I should stop drinking. I had 1 liter of this Costco bottle. I used to be more drunk. When I was in Vegas, I got so drunk I had to wheelchair a girl I was escorting out of the bar. I'm chasing my alcohol with water," Cutie Pie said.
"Yes. Please do. That would be smart," I said.
"This guy's a Loser Holy shit," Cutie Pie said. He was talking about the guy stumbling around drunk. "LET'S TAKE A SHOT OF WATER!"
"He's an asshole. An actual asshole," Joebear said.
Some asshole threw up on Cutie Pie.
"Get out of my face! You're pissing me off!" Cutie Pie said. "Are you scratching my brain right now?"
"It's almost 5 a.m. What the fuck? I don't feel any different than three hours ago," I said.
"I DON'T KNOW. BECAUSE BIDEN BECAME PRESIDENT, TIME GOT DESTROYED!" Joebear yelled. "What are you doing, Biden? The fuck is wrong with you? The hell are you doing?"
Peter and I just burst out laughing at this point.
A racecar tried to fly through the castle window, but Count Macrula's face blew flames in its direction. The racecar disintregrated in mid-air and rained ashes on our heads.
Angry gamers were beating Cutie Pie's ass. Cutie Pie beat R.O.B's ass.
"I can't handle this right now," Cutie Pie said. "You cannot be confused at this point. THERE IS A GIANT BEAM OF LIGHT OF RAPTURE. THERE IS A GIANT FUCKING SKULL!!!! Not to mention a pile of ashes has fallen on our heads for no apparent reason. "
"Neither can I," I said as I added Rotel with fire roasted tomatoes and green chilis to the vegan Taco Mac. Fuck it. I need salt to deal with this reality.
"Welp. The Marxists have been trying to sabotage this country for years. I can't deal with it, either," Pauno said.
"They've almost come full circle," I said.
Paul the Goat bleated loudly.
I blacked out.
Count Macrula, Count Macula, Jr., FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I returned from Publix and saw Joebear and the spirit of Colonel America smashing the TVs. Joebear had anger issues because he lost to Hecarim in League of Losers too many times. He switched over to playing Dauntless.
FreeLee the Banana Girl saw the TVs being destroyed and was pleased.
"Send FreeLee the Banana Girl to the heavens! She is done here!" Count Macrula shouted as lightning shot out of the palms of his hands.
FreeLee the Banana Girl floated to heaven. Everyone noticed, nodded, and then went on with his or her day.
Joebear then grabbed a TV, walked outside, and took a dump on the TV. I got excited and joined him outside.
Tyler1, Joebear, the cast of PeeWee Herman, Paul the Goat, Patches, Princess Lindsay Cartington, Prince Carrington, and Nugget screamed. The Grinch hobbled up to Count Macula, Jr.'s castle and grumbled.
Count Macrula sang in dark angelic language before he shouted, "HOOOMMEEE!!!!" in a baritone language. A winter wonderland was blanketing the inside of Count Macula, Jr.'s family of gray bears' castle. A gust of snow entered the windows of the castle and burst them open dramatically.
We were all of a sudden surrounded by great high cathedral ceilings topped with snow. Count Macula, Jr.'s family photos, including his long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears when he was still Colonel Mac, had Christmas ornaments and Happy New Year lights surrounding them.
Count Macula, Jr. himself began to change again. His gray hair now was white, so he was a white bear. He also had bat wings and even sharper teeth. "Coooool!!!! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!" he shouted as his high-pitched Southern voice echoed in the castle.
"WOW!!! This kitchen looks Santa's workshop on crack!!!" Lindsay shouted as she poked her head in the kitchen door. We heard the jingling of bells. "I didn't know Count Colonel Mac lived in a winter wonderland castle! Wow!!!." She was wearing a blue princess gown today.
We will dub her Princess Lindsay Carrington.
Count Macula, Jr. skipped over to her and stared at her. "Dear Princess, my name is no longer Count Colonel Mac," he said.
Princess Lindsay Carrington stared at the white cub before her. "Excuse me. I was addressing Count Colonel Mac. I know not of whom thou art," she spoke as she chewed on a corn tortilla chip.
"I am Count Macula, Jr! I have become a white cub due to 2021 coming to town. I am a vambear," the white cub said as he looked directly at Princess Lindsay Carrington.
"So you're telling me that you were formerly known as Colonel Mac, then Count Colonel Mac and that you are now Count Macula, Jr.?" Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.
"Yes," Count Macula, Jr. said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!"
"So much can happen in a grocery shopping trip!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said dramatically.
Patches, Princess Lindsay Carrington's cat, walked in the kitchen and meowed loudly. She shook the whole fucking castle. Snow fell to the ground.
"JEE WHIZ!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted like Tyler1 as he skipped in the kitchen. He had a widow's peak and intense brown eyes. Needless to say, he had a set of lungs on him.
"Are you Count Macula, Jr.?" Patches asked.
"YES!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this!
We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this! We juuuuusttt went over this!"
Joebear, Colonel America's spirit, Count Macrula, Mr. Williamson, Princess Lindsay Carrington, Kendrick, Pauno, and Peter's therapist, the cast of PeeWee Herman, the Grinch, and I started cooking the vegan taco mac.
Colonel America's spirit wavered in the air. "I have returned to fill an important role in this story. I am the logic in this otherwise completely illogical nonsensical saga," he announced as he began to boil the canned beans.
"THERE BETTER NOT BE LIMA BEANS IN THERE!" Count Macrula shouted. Then, he stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "Not to mention, you fulfill the Colonel role in these covulted stories." as he was washing the spinach. He laughed a boisterous evil vampire laugh.
"Where are the avocados?" Mr. Williamson asked. "We're supposed to have guacamole with vegan Taco mac."
"Says whhoooooooo??? Yiiiickkkkk!!!" Count Macula, Jr. said.
"Agreed. Fuck avocados. Worst fruit ever. Should be abolished," I said.
"Disagreed. The only thing worse than an avocado is a lima bean," Count Macrula said. He shuddered. "The horror!"
A random bear jumped in the kitchen and said, "I brought lima beans for the vegan taco mac with Count Macrula-" He spilled lima beans all over the floor.
Count Macrula screamed and used red eye rays to disintregrate that poor bear and the lima beans.
I chuckled and continued to chop up peppers and onions.
"So are you not even allowed to bring lima beans in the kitchen?" Reba the Mail Lady asked as she brought a bunch of cans of lima beans into the kitchen.
Count Macrula shot his death rays at Reba the Mail Lady and disintregrated her. Lima beans then exploded out of the cans and all over the kitchen. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! The horror!!!!" Count Macrula shouted as he shot death rays out of his eyes at each and every goddamned lima bean that had the misfortune of being in that kitchen. "Get out of here, you damn dirty beans!!!" He shot lasers everywhere and disintegrated parts of our bodies that were near lima beans. My right ulna hasn't been the same since.
Princess Lindsay Carrington started rinsing the rice for the rice cooker. "That answers our question. Now if I may ask, can we even mention Lima-"
Count Macrula was quickly shooting the death rays in her direction.
"Lima, Peru! It's one of my favorite cities to visit. I say!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she was dramatically trying to catch her breath.
Count Macrula then smiled widely and said, "Why yes! That is one of my favorite cities! You can mention that all you like!" he said as he washing the lettuce with a huge smile on his face.
A female goat stared at him in concern as she was boiling the whole golden kernel corn.
I laughed as a response to the trauma that just occurred.
"Did you know avocados are good?!" Peter shouted as he poked his head in the kitchen.
I growled as I threw the knife I was using to chop up peppers and onions at Peter's head. "Bastard," I muttered. I shot death rays at Peter and missed. "Bastard."
Peter left and started laughing.
"Wow baebae!" Joebear said as he put the macaroni in the boiling water. He set the timer for 10 minutes before doing a sexy bear dance.
"No avocados for me! I didn't buy any!" I said as I growled and continued to chop peppers and onions.
PeeWee Herman picked up the knife, did his typical laugh, and did a goofy walk in the kitchen. He washed the knife before chopping up the tomatillos.
Miss Oreo meowed before she jumped off the window sill in the kitchen. How she was unscathed, I couldn't figure it out.
Pauno then walked in the kitchen. "For people who like guacamole or tacos while they wait, I shall make them rain from the sky!" he announced. "And cue the naked chicks and the riced cauliflower for low carb diets!"
"Thank you," Mr. Williamson said. "Oh. Excuse me. I spoke too soon."
Vampiresses, snow ladies, werewolf women, cat women, and naked lady goats and elven women flooded the castle.
Pauno then walked to the living room and threw his hands in the air. Lightning came out of them as he brought down guacamole, Mexican salsa, nacho chips, riced cauliflower, and many napkins. Everyone in the living room cheered.
Mexican salsa music started playing in the background. Vampires, werewolves, cats, goats, elves, and snowpeople began to dance.
That, of course, was when Count Macrula's phone began to ring. "WHAT IS IT?!" he shouted as he was in the middle of chopping tomatoes at lightning speed. "I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING A LOW CARB DIET. ATKINS IS MY IDOL!!!!"
"THE IT OFFICE IS ON FIRE!" an equally loud woman shouted over the phone.
Count Macrula then started laughing as his ass off as he threw his head back. I could tell he was sick of working. "Let it burn. Fuck 'em. The Gwinnett County Fire Department would never understand the intracies of a low carb diet!!!"
"I CAN'T QUENCH THESE FUCKING FLAMES. I ALREADY PEED DURING MY LUNCH BREAK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK TODAY! I DON'T WANT TO TRY YOUR LOW CARB DIET!!!!" the loud woman shouted.
"Not that I'm aware of. If you would have tried a low carb diet, you would remembered to specifically schedule me for work," Count Macrula said as he raised his eyebrow and chopped the cilantro. "Morpheus, put this cilantro in the pico de gallo!"
"Apparently you will today. All of Gwinnett County is on fire, and we are short staffed! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT A LOW CARB DIET! QUENCH THESE FLAMES BEFORE EVEN MORE HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!!" the loud woman said with a sigh.
Count Macrula sighed. "Why should I be concerned?" He then laughed. "But, yes. Let me wash my hands and put a Dracula mask on. I'll be right over!" he said.
"Halloween's over, you asshole! So is Thanksgiving and so is Christmas, as a matter of fact," the loud woman shouted. "It's 2021 already. Where the fuck have you been?"
"IN A FREEZER!"Count Macrula screamed. He hung up and then screamed again. The vegan Taco Mac was done in a jiffy as a result, like gluten-free low-carb Jiffy cornbread mix. He moved time forward by an hour. Then he returned to normal. "Duty calls," he said as he then flew out of the castle and had the face of Count Dracula.
"What if I told you that you forgot to consider those of us with high blood pressure and until riced cauliflower was a menu item in Chipotle Mexican Grill, you forgot to consider those of us on a low-carb diet?" Morpheus asked as he was preparing the pico de gallo.
Literally everyone stared at Morpheus. Count Macrula's face appeared on the wall and just stared at him. He was trying to shoot death lasers at Morpheus, but his physical body was trying to fly back to the office.
"How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.
"No meat. No other animal products. Low sodium. Low gluten. Low carb. Low sugar. Real ingredients. Added hormones. And... limited advocado?" Peter said aloud before he shouted and threw his hands up dramatically, "I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T FUCKING DO MATH!!!!!!!"
"NO LIMA BEANS!" Count Macrula shouted as his eyes had fire as pupils. He was the mirror on the kitchen wall. He was the fairest of them all.
"Would that make it ten dietary restrictions?" Pauno asked as he brought down low sodium chips, low sodium salsa, low sodium guacamole, and low carb taco shells with no salt added. "Kind of like the 10 commandments. Coincidence! I THINK NOT!" The other Greek Gods sang in the background as he spoke with conviction.
"Yes!" Count Macrula shouted. The vibrations of his voice knocked down a bowl of guacomole. "I don't think it's a coincidence, either. Hhhmmmmmmmm!!!!!"
"Goddammit!" Pauno said as he used more energy to create a table that only had bowls of chips and bowls of guacomole on it.
Paul the Goat bleated as he was jacking off. "I'm at a party, JENNA!!! You have a trust fund.... You can go to parties. Why is it my fault the Bank of the Ozarks Credit Card isn't paid off?!.... And? It's under your name!.... WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?! THERE IS GOING TO BE A GREAT RESET AT THE END OF THE MONTH.... LOOK IT UP ON WORLD ECONOMIC FORUMS DOT COM!!!! THEY TELL YOU ON THEIR WEBSITE... I'M NOT MAKING UP SHIT!!!" he shouted as his blue eyes were bugged out of his head. He bleated for twenty-one minutes straight.
Peter couldn't help but laugh. "That's why I ain't EVER getting married," he commented.
"My marriage is fucked up sometimes, too," Joebear said. He was mixing all of the ingredients of Vegan Taco Mac together as his bear booty bounced in the air.
"Yes, you act ridiculous, too, Boo," I said as I smacked his ass as hard as I could.
"Pssh! OWWWW!!!! Bae that hurt!!!! Yeah, okay! You're the one who almost added black beans to the Taco Mac last time and thought about forcing me to eat that shit!" Joebear said with a long-winded growl. He then washed his paws.
(The shit that goes on in food preparation would mortify people if they knew about it. I used to work at Chipotle Mexican Grill back in 2014. I am an expert on the business that happened there.)
"Baby, I add all the ingredients together-" I said.
Joebear interrupted me with a growl as he dried his paws with a paper towel. "No!"
"I say! May I please have an extra side of black beans?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London asked in his. black pleather thong. He was a great prince who I served on Sunday afternoons.
"Yes, you may!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she served him a side dish of black beans.
"Thank you, kind woman," he said as he started to eat.
"You are welcome, kind sir," Princess Lindsay Carrington said.
"Ahhhhhh!!!!! A man from the United Kingdom entered a kitchen in Untied States of America! He may be infected with the zombie virus!!!!!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he frantically threw the chopped tomatillos in the freezer. "Protect the food!!! Protect the refried beans!!!!" He was frantically putting prepared food in the freezer.
"A zombie werewolf. Sounds about right for 2021. He may radiate us all and turn us into the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I just hope he doesn't make us look like the demons in the Michael Bay movie. That was a disgrace! Ruined my childhood," I said.
"If we don't put the refried beans away, they'll be RADIATED beans! Holy Shit!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he tried to escape the kitchen through the castle window. He remembered to put his mask on (a face that looked like his) before he successfully jumped out of the window.
The remaining cast of PeeWee Herman screamed in agony as they ran around the castle in terror before they, too, put their masks on and jumped out of the window.
"Oh God! Who cares? Refried beans look out something that came out of an asshole!" Joebear yelled. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm traumatized. I'm playing a game of Dauntless. Fuck this shit. I'm not putting on a mask. I'm not social distancing. Fuck you. "
I cracked up as I made bowls of vegan Taco Mac.
"Just in case there are assholes who like radiated refried beans," Pauno said before he brought refried beans from the heavens. "Low sodium, low carb, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, vegan, organic, made in Heaven, heavy with hormones, and produced in Greece, freshly microwaved at 1200 watts."
Paul the Goat bleated as he hung up his phone before adding radiated refried beans to his vegan Taco Mac. He even added his own goat milk to the Taco Mac. The balance of the world was thrown off because the Taco mac was no longer vegan. He looked at his cell phone and bleated. "WHY ARE THERE 20 messages from politicians in my inbox????!!!!"
As a result of Paul the Goat throwing off the balance of Vegan Taco Mac and having 20 political messages in his inbox, Count Macula, Jr.'s face ended up on eight walls of the castle. One of his faces ended up right next to the picture of the long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears. Count Macula, Jr. spoke in stereo. "WHY ARE THERE REFRIED BEANS IN MY CASTLE? WHY ARE THEY SENDING ME POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENTS?! MY PARENTS ALREADY VOTED STRAIGHT TICKET REPUBLICAN! WE DON'T WANT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IN AMERICA!!!!"
"Because they are a Mexican food," Pauno said. "They're there. Also, I agree. I voted straight ticket Republican. I don't want Rome to govern Greece."
"I will allow it the radiated refried beans time, but never again," Count Macula, Jr. said in stereo. "I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again."
Count Macula, Jr. repeated himself 64 times. How obnoxious! Eight Count Macula, Jrs. saying the same thing eight times equals 64 times. He was ready to make that 512 times.
The computer Joebear was sitting at caught on fire and exploded. "My frame feels fried," he said as he stared at the flames emerging from the computer before Kissy jumped in his lap. "And, I am going to purge my mailbox of political ads."
I laughed. "I don't know what's going on. I haven't known what's going on for the past two years. I have been writing the same story 512 times, and I'm still not done with it. This is so stupid," I said with a laugh as I playbeat my bear. "I, too, grow tired of the political ads in my mailbox."
"It sounds like you need a raid therapist," Joebear said as he watched the World of Warcraft unfold in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle. "And I need a better group. What a bunch of scrubs."
"THERE WERE FIVE IDENTICAL FLIERS IN MY MAILBOX!!! I AM ONLY GOING TO READ ONE. I WILL PURGE MY MAILBOX OF THESE POLITICAL PIECES OF TOILET PAPER!!!! THERE WERE 20 TOTAL!!!" Count Macrula said as his face on the wall blew fire into the castle. He melted a couple of snowpeople.
Pauno laughed. "Does anyone actually give a shit about radiated refried beans right now?" he asked. "Also, these state is America is decadent. Full of Marxists. May God strike down these evil men in power!"
Before the rest of us screamed, Count Macula, Jr. screamed "Yes!" 512 times. Count Macrula refried and radiated the beans again with his breath of fire.
We heard a bunch of random angry gamers on Cutie Pie's stream shouting swear words at the Giant Count Macula, Jr. raid boss and bitching about politics. Count Macula, Jr. grew to be 30 feet tall. The fuck did we put in the low carb vegan Taco Mac?
Lifeskillers get to be pussies while the grunts take all the risks and make no money in World of Warcraft or Black Desert Online. Even in video games, no one is compensated correctly. Working for someone in America doesn't pay enough for anyone to make bills unless you are a lucky person who works for the corrupt government. And even then the government doesn't compensate correctly because they don't compensate for the mental stress they put their citizens and workers under. Their servers suck and take a shit. Doing your own business is the only way to have any sanity whatsoever.
"Are we getting on VR?" Cutie Pie asked.
"YES!" Tyler1 shouted. "It's for alcoholics and losers!"
"I'M A LOSER!" Peter screamed angrily as he got off the couch he was on.
The screen turned black. Joebear growled and complained that his eyes were sore. His eyes were watering.
Angry gamers were just chattering like hell.
A chubby man in a cat suit meowed loudly as he flew through a window next to one of Count Macula, Jr.'s faces. "I'm a hungry cat in the night, looking for food. And perhaps..." he said as he raised his black eyebrows and widened his blue eyes. "Something else!"
"I'm horny! Bbbbbaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" BioNHack, a goat streamer who played Black Desert Online, said as he screamed like a thunder cat.
The Thunder Cats theme song started to play in the background.
"Whhhooooaaaaa!!! I'm not gay!" Catman shouted as he jumped on a table with nachos and salsas and started eating.
Count Macula, Jr.'s faces shouted ethereally 512 times in the beat of the Thunder Cats theme song, "I'm not gay! I'm not gay! Holy Shit I'm not gay! I'm not gay!"
"How do I join your world?" Cutie Pie asked as he was also dancing to the theme song.
A technicolor screen from the 60s just appeared in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle.
"Find your MD square!!!! Empty square, bro!!!!!!" Cutie Pie shouted to his posse.
"What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?" Count Macula, Jr. asked in stereo.
"I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not trying to guess," Joebear said. He made a noise that sounded like an air compressor. "I used to love WoW. It upsets me to see it turn into a retard fest. I played during BETA!!! I used to respect the game. I don't respect it anymore."
I laughed so hard. "I can't breathe," I said.
"Do you have the Rona?" Pauno asked. "Do you have the plague?"
"Technically yes. I'm from the United Kingdom," Prince Oliver, Zombie Werewolf of London, said. "Also, Braaaainsssss!!!"
A few people stopped eating, put on their masks, and ran out of the exit farthest away from any zombie werewolf.
"MY HOUSE SUCKS!!!!" an angry gamer shouted before he neighed.
"No. I don't have the plague. My temperature is 98.3 degrees Fahrenheit with no symptoms of being a zombie. I'm laughing hysterically," I said. "It gets to be too much." I belly-laughed.
"I'm BIGGGGGG!!! Just too big!!!!" Joebear said as he rolled on the floor and did a cute growl.
A bunch of gamers laughed their asses off before they farted. They were drunk already.
Princess Lindsay Carrington, Prince Carrington, and Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London were drinking heavily to deal with the stress of this castle and the fact that by default, they were infected with the United Kingdom strain of the Coronavirus.
Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile burst through the castle doors and growled. They then went to eat bowls of vegan Taco Mac. Then they drank a few bottles of Jameson.
Cutie Pie materialized and laughed at Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile.
"I SAY! DO YOU REPTILIAN BEASTS REALIZE THAT THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM HERE WHO BY DEFAULT HAVE A STRAIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS???!!!" Prince Oliver shouted while he wore a mask.
A bunch of angry gamers were shouting about random shit over the Discord.
Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile shouted.
"Ooooohhhh shit!" Ted the Alligator shouted as he headed toward the same exit away from anyone British. .
"We got Coronavirus!!!" Jack the Crocodile screamed as he followed Ted the Alligator.
"We must quarantine in the moat!" Ted the Alligator said as he burst through a castle door and jumped in the moat.
Jack the Crocodile jumped in the moat with Ted the Alligator. The reptilian beasts guarded the castle with true intimidation and strength.
"ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!" an angry gamer shouted. "Can you explain why I am quarantined for being radiated?"
Joebear was then up a male behemoth's crotch in Dauntless. "Let's get this asshole!"
A snowman fell out of the sky and started laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor. Then he fucking melted.
"What the fuck?" Cutie Pie asked. "Jameson actually tastes like ass. Moxy, you need to spank your ass in your own room and quarantine for 14 days. It doesn't sound like he is enjoying it. I feel uncomfortable. It's like he is Jesus or something. "
Bruce Dwillinger, a youtube King James Bible preacher, descended from the Heavens and said, "Hey! You're all losers!"
Kissy walked around the castle. Garfield danced to some party music before he ate some vegan taco mac.
Joebear announced. "This is ridiculous. Not gonna lie. Here we go... Dawgs..."
DarthSydePhineas then dropped these beats: https://youtu.be/RIWWEpx-PiQ
Duke the Ace of Dodging and Riley the Ace of Riddling barked outside of the castle walls to the beat of the song. Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile growled at them.
"STAY OUT! THE PEOPLE IN THIS CASTLE ARE INFECTED WITH THE UNITED KINGDOM ZOMBIE VIRUS!" Ted the Alligator growled.
"STAY OUT! TURN AWAY AND RUN LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER RUN BEFORE!!!" Jack the Crocodile shouted.
"Oh shit! Everyone has this damn virus!" Duke the Ace of Dodging yelled as he ran away.
"It's true! I was quarantined for 10 days at the vet with Bruce the Ace of Butt-fixing when he and I had it. We almost died!" Riley the Ace of Riddling shouted.
"Yes. Megara the Ace of Meddling and I were deeply worried. Toby McGuire the Ace of Finger-Gumbing provided emotional support to us by gumbing our paws," Duke the Ace of Dodging said.
Angry gamers started puking because they drank entirely too much. Count Macula, Jr. and I started handing everyone water bottles.
"This reminds me of a drinking contest I won against Xara three years ago," Peter said with a laugh as he now wore a mask that looked like something Bane from the DC comics would wear.
"Shut the fuck up, Peter," I said. "How was I supposed to know you were 75 percent Irish you asshole?!!" I flicked him off before Garfield walked over to me. I pet my cat.
Peter laughed as he made sure that he and his therapist would six feet away from everyone else. "Yeah. You mentally scarred the people at that restaurant by how much you puked. IT WAS A PILE!!!!"
"Yeah. I almost died that day," I said. "Garfield. Stay near Mommy and let Daddy anally rape this monster."
Peter belly laughed, held his abdomen together, and had his eyes closed.
"You're an asshole extraordinare!!!!!" I shouted.
"I should stop drinking. I had 1 liter of this Costco bottle. I used to be more drunk. When I was in Vegas, I got so drunk I had to wheelchair a girl I was escorting out of the bar. I'm chasing my alcohol with water," Cutie Pie said.
"Yes. Please do. That would be smart," I said.
"This guy's a Loser Holy shit," Cutie Pie said. He was talking about the guy stumbling around drunk. "LET'S TAKE A SHOT OF WATER!"
"He's an asshole. An actual asshole," Joebear said.
Some asshole threw up on Cutie Pie.
"Get out of my face! You're pissing me off!" Cutie Pie said. "Are you scratching my brain right now?"
"It's almost 5 a.m. What the fuck? I don't feel any different than three hours ago," I said.
"I DON'T KNOW. BECAUSE BIDEN BECAME PRESIDENT, TIME GOT DESTROYED!" Joebear yelled. "What are you doing, Biden? The fuck is wrong with you? The hell are you doing?"
Peter and I just burst out laughing at this point.
A racecar tried to fly through the castle window, but Count Macrula's face blew flames in its direction. The racecar disintregrated in mid-air and rained ashes on our heads.
Angry gamers were beating Cutie Pie's ass. Cutie Pie beat R.O.B's ass.
"I can't handle this right now," Cutie Pie said. "You cannot be confused at this point. THERE IS A GIANT BEAM OF LIGHT OF RAPTURE. THERE IS A GIANT FUCKING SKULL!!!! Not to mention a pile of ashes has fallen on our heads for no apparent reason. "
"Neither can I," I said as I added Rotel with fire roasted tomatoes and green chilis to the vegan Taco Mac. Fuck it. I need salt to deal with this reality.
"Welp. The Marxists have been trying to sabotage this country for years. I can't deal with it, either," Pauno said.
"They've almost come full circle," I said.
Paul the Goat bleated loudly.
I blacked out.