Colonel America's Funeral - Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats
A bunch of goats, bears, dogs, cats, Kool-Aid men, murlocs, Oompa loompas, ducks, geese, and a few humans were making their respective noises. We were honoring the bullshit life Colonel America led.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing led a song for the fallen 10-foot superhuman:
We honor thee
Colonel America
Everyone sang, "Colonel America!!!!!"
"For America!!!!!!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang.
Everyone sang, "For America!!!!!"
At the end of the song, a gray bear with brown eyes in a power wheelchair burst through the door.
"Excuse me. Is this the meeting hall of the Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats?" he asked in a Southern voice.
"Yes! And we are trying to conduct a funeral in honor of a fallen member!" Peter Parker yelled. He then smiled a huge grin. "Come on in and join us! We need a new member anyway. It will be fun. We're all sexually-frustrated."
The gray bear wheeled in the room.
"Who are you?" Peter asked.
"Mac! Hey man! You joined us!" I shouted.
"Mac joins usssssss! We welcome thee! God has sent a great replacement for Colonel America! We shall call thee Colonel Mac!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang.
(A/N: After this story had happened back in February 2020 before Covid-19 was popular, Mac, also known as Colonel Mac told me a short back story of how Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and he had a fight that almost killed each other 15 years ago. They became civil with each other once they both realized that they were just sexually frustrated and needed to assert their alpha bear presence because reasons.)
"Colonel Mac!!!!" Everyone sang.
"I don't know what to say," Colonel Mac spoke with a hearty bear laugh.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Joebear, Albear, and Fredbear growled in his honor.
Colonel Mac growled back and hugged everyone. He laughed and felt honored.
"This is so emotional," Roberta said as she cried on the other side of the screen. Her daughter and new grandchild were there with her and hugging her.
We bleated to honor this moment.
"But seriously, getting back to the funeral, Colonel America would have loved to honor and induct a new member, especially another Colonel. Colonel Mac, please come sign the appropriate documents!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing spoke.
Colonel Mac wheeled up the ramp to the stage and signed the documents.
Everyone made his or her respective animal noises.
"Wow. This is legitimate! A real secret membership! Of sexual frustration no doubt!" Colonel Mac said with a big bear smile as he signed and read the documents. He added a laugh for effect.
Joebear, Albear, Fredbear, and Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing growled with respect.
The rest of us made our animal noises before the door burst open. A goat with soft brown curls, brown eyes, and a white office shirt came through the door. "Excuse me? Is this the meeting for the Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats?" he asked before he bleated.
"Yes. You're the second one today! Come in!" Peter said with an attitude before he bleated.
All the goats bleated.
"Thank you. I heard about Colonel America's death. Sorry to hear," the goat with the white office shirt said.
"And who are you?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.
"I'm Lorin. I'm from the Los Angeles chapter of the Sexually-Frustrated Goats. I am here for the Call of Duty convention. I'm IT. I should be asking YOU who you are," he said.
"Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing. I was Colonel America's top mechanic!" he announced.
Murphee the Ace of Munching barked three times.
"Murphayy!!!" I yelled.
"Murphayy!!!" everyone else yelled.
"Colonel America was an asshole to me!" Peter yelled.
There was silence. A few goats coughed and bleated. One even farted in the background.
"But I am still holding this god damn funeral for him. I'm a nice goat!" Peter shouted with a bleat.
Everyone bleated. Colonel Mac bleated well. He was a natural.
"How did you know how to bleat?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.
"My talent is sound intimation," Colonel Mac said.
"Holy Shit! So you're Colonel Mac the Ace of Sound Imitation?!" I asked.
"Yes, but please don't make me sign these papers with my new title," Colonel Mac answered.
"No problem. Titles are a pain in the ass," I said.
"Yes! For the love of God can I just be Bruce Ace!!!!!?????" Bruce Ace asked.
"Please!" Peter shouted.
Murphee barked.
"Fuck titles!" Lindsay shouted.
"Fuck titles!" Everyone shouted.
"Fuck titles!" a Jewish Goat said as he entered the hall.
"Oh God another inductee who the fuck-?" Peter started to say.
"Jay Bird! I am Jay Bird! I am repressed and traumatized from a strict Jewish background! For the love of God may I join your organization?!" Jay Bird asked.
"Yes yes yes yes! Every fucking goat in Atlanta is at this goddamn meeting!" Peter shouted with wide eyes as he threw his hands up.
I laughed as Jay Bird came up and started signing documents. "Sexually-Frustrated Goats? Jesus what is this?!" he asked as he was spazzing out.
"Well, at first we were the Secret Society of Goats. Then we became the Secret American Goats Society. And then the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man joined, became the leader, and now we're all sexually frustrated," I said.
"Holy Shit!" Jay Bird said with a laugh.
"Become married. Then you'll really be sexually-frustrated!" Lorin shouted.
The male goats bleated and shouted loudly in agreement. Bruce Ace's bleat was on point. Paul the Goat bleated in song.
Joebear growled. "I use my right paw while my wife cleans houses and shit," he spoke as he raised his right paw.
Bruce Ace, Fredbear, Albear, and Colonel Mac growled loudly in honor.
Murphee barked three times. Garfield meowed three times.
Male goats, ducks, and geese bleated and quacked.
"Marriage is a bad idea with the state of things! Women get everything! The courts favor women! The government takes advantage of a union that should be honored! Men get fucked every time!" Jay Bird shouted as he signed his last document.
"Fuck marriage!" Peter shouted as he cupped his hands over his mouth.
"Fuck marriage!" the males shouted loudly in the room.
Colonel America's spirit emerged from his body and said, "I'd rather listen to the dryer than my wife."
"Holy Shit! Hahahaha. Colonel America has spoken!" The Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man shouted.
"Time to go, Jewel! The dead are talking!" Mr. Williamson shouted as he escorted his wife out of there.
Yeah, definitely. Meeting adjourned.
End Credits: "Who Let the Souls Out?" by DarthSydePhineas: https://youtu.be/1hJhGlTcR4E
The characters are dancing. Every time DarthSyde Phineas sang "Who Let The Souls Out?," Murphee and Tug barked five times in rhythm to the song.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing led a song for the fallen 10-foot superhuman:
We honor thee
Colonel America
Everyone sang, "Colonel America!!!!!"
"For America!!!!!!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang.
Everyone sang, "For America!!!!!"
At the end of the song, a gray bear with brown eyes in a power wheelchair burst through the door.
"Excuse me. Is this the meeting hall of the Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats?" he asked in a Southern voice.
"Yes! And we are trying to conduct a funeral in honor of a fallen member!" Peter Parker yelled. He then smiled a huge grin. "Come on in and join us! We need a new member anyway. It will be fun. We're all sexually-frustrated."
The gray bear wheeled in the room.
"Who are you?" Peter asked.
"Mac! Hey man! You joined us!" I shouted.
"Mac joins usssssss! We welcome thee! God has sent a great replacement for Colonel America! We shall call thee Colonel Mac!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang.
(A/N: After this story had happened back in February 2020 before Covid-19 was popular, Mac, also known as Colonel Mac told me a short back story of how Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and he had a fight that almost killed each other 15 years ago. They became civil with each other once they both realized that they were just sexually frustrated and needed to assert their alpha bear presence because reasons.)
"Colonel Mac!!!!" Everyone sang.
"I don't know what to say," Colonel Mac spoke with a hearty bear laugh.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Joebear, Albear, and Fredbear growled in his honor.
Colonel Mac growled back and hugged everyone. He laughed and felt honored.
"This is so emotional," Roberta said as she cried on the other side of the screen. Her daughter and new grandchild were there with her and hugging her.
We bleated to honor this moment.
"But seriously, getting back to the funeral, Colonel America would have loved to honor and induct a new member, especially another Colonel. Colonel Mac, please come sign the appropriate documents!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing spoke.
Colonel Mac wheeled up the ramp to the stage and signed the documents.
Everyone made his or her respective animal noises.
"Wow. This is legitimate! A real secret membership! Of sexual frustration no doubt!" Colonel Mac said with a big bear smile as he signed and read the documents. He added a laugh for effect.
Joebear, Albear, Fredbear, and Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing growled with respect.
The rest of us made our animal noises before the door burst open. A goat with soft brown curls, brown eyes, and a white office shirt came through the door. "Excuse me? Is this the meeting for the Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats?" he asked before he bleated.
"Yes. You're the second one today! Come in!" Peter said with an attitude before he bleated.
All the goats bleated.
"Thank you. I heard about Colonel America's death. Sorry to hear," the goat with the white office shirt said.
"And who are you?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.
"I'm Lorin. I'm from the Los Angeles chapter of the Sexually-Frustrated Goats. I am here for the Call of Duty convention. I'm IT. I should be asking YOU who you are," he said.
"Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing. I was Colonel America's top mechanic!" he announced.
Murphee the Ace of Munching barked three times.
"Murphayy!!!" I yelled.
"Murphayy!!!" everyone else yelled.
"Colonel America was an asshole to me!" Peter yelled.
There was silence. A few goats coughed and bleated. One even farted in the background.
"But I am still holding this god damn funeral for him. I'm a nice goat!" Peter shouted with a bleat.
Everyone bleated. Colonel Mac bleated well. He was a natural.
"How did you know how to bleat?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.
"My talent is sound intimation," Colonel Mac said.
"Holy Shit! So you're Colonel Mac the Ace of Sound Imitation?!" I asked.
"Yes, but please don't make me sign these papers with my new title," Colonel Mac answered.
"No problem. Titles are a pain in the ass," I said.
"Yes! For the love of God can I just be Bruce Ace!!!!!?????" Bruce Ace asked.
"Please!" Peter shouted.
Murphee barked.
"Fuck titles!" Lindsay shouted.
"Fuck titles!" Everyone shouted.
"Fuck titles!" a Jewish Goat said as he entered the hall.
"Oh God another inductee who the fuck-?" Peter started to say.
"Jay Bird! I am Jay Bird! I am repressed and traumatized from a strict Jewish background! For the love of God may I join your organization?!" Jay Bird asked.
"Yes yes yes yes! Every fucking goat in Atlanta is at this goddamn meeting!" Peter shouted with wide eyes as he threw his hands up.
I laughed as Jay Bird came up and started signing documents. "Sexually-Frustrated Goats? Jesus what is this?!" he asked as he was spazzing out.
"Well, at first we were the Secret Society of Goats. Then we became the Secret American Goats Society. And then the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man joined, became the leader, and now we're all sexually frustrated," I said.
"Holy Shit!" Jay Bird said with a laugh.
"Become married. Then you'll really be sexually-frustrated!" Lorin shouted.
The male goats bleated and shouted loudly in agreement. Bruce Ace's bleat was on point. Paul the Goat bleated in song.
Joebear growled. "I use my right paw while my wife cleans houses and shit," he spoke as he raised his right paw.
Bruce Ace, Fredbear, Albear, and Colonel Mac growled loudly in honor.
Murphee barked three times. Garfield meowed three times.
Male goats, ducks, and geese bleated and quacked.
"Marriage is a bad idea with the state of things! Women get everything! The courts favor women! The government takes advantage of a union that should be honored! Men get fucked every time!" Jay Bird shouted as he signed his last document.
"Fuck marriage!" Peter shouted as he cupped his hands over his mouth.
"Fuck marriage!" the males shouted loudly in the room.
Colonel America's spirit emerged from his body and said, "I'd rather listen to the dryer than my wife."
"Holy Shit! Hahahaha. Colonel America has spoken!" The Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man shouted.
"Time to go, Jewel! The dead are talking!" Mr. Williamson shouted as he escorted his wife out of there.
Yeah, definitely. Meeting adjourned.
End Credits: "Who Let the Souls Out?" by DarthSydePhineas: https://youtu.be/1hJhGlTcR4E
The characters are dancing. Every time DarthSyde Phineas sang "Who Let The Souls Out?," Murphee and Tug barked five times in rhythm to the song.