The Secret Society of Goats Has New Uniforms and New Members
The Secret Society of Goats Has New Uniforms and New Members
Lindsay, my best female friend, started off the meeting with a ritualistic truth dance. Mr. Thor, Murphee, Lindsay, Peter, and I led the meeting.
Asshole Peter is now rank 16. He was able to ignore my cat, Kissy, a new member of the secret society of goats and not die. As a result of his razzle dazzle bullshit, I turned that mother fucker into a giraffe yesterday. I was supposed to wait until November to turn him into a giraffe, but fuck him and his tall, pale, and awkward bullshit.
In other news, I turned myself into a jaguar as a side effect of the spell. I can bleat, but I always sound angry because Peter W. Parker pisses me off. I'm hungry all the time, too. At least jaguars are predators to giraffes.
Peter's girlfriend, Joselyn, constantly talks about how she wants to ride him. She loves riding giraffes, especially if they are assholes like Peter. She sat on his back when the meeting officially began.
"Ladies and Gentlemen... and animals," Mr. Thor said.
Murphee barked to acknowledge this statement.
"We have a new member. His name is A. P. Himmel," Mr. Thor said.
A.P. Himmel stood up. "Oh Lord. Please, Mr. Thor and all members of this secret of society of goats, call me Paul," he said with an excellent bleat.
Everyone except asshole giraffe Peter bleated.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still struggling with his bleat. "Damn," he said.
"Oh God. My cousin's named Paul," Peter said. "And he isn't part of the secret society of goats... Should we appoint this Paul with a title?!"
Everyone, especially the women, bleated in affirmation.
"Yes! Paul the Goat?" Mr. Thor asked.
Paul laughed hard and hearty. "Yes. Paul the Goat is suiting," he said.
"Wonderful! Let the induction ceremony begin!" Mr. Thor announced.
Everyone bleated. Joebear growled in affirmation. He was a good beast.
"Come on stage, Paul the Goat!" Mr. Thor said with authority.
Paul the Goat went on stage. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still having trouble bleating, so he coughed to clear his throat.
Kissy meowed out of turn and started biting Joebear's ankles out of excitement.
"Stop, Kissy," Joebear said kindly.
Kissy stopped before she pawed at his toes.
"I said, 'Stop,' baby girl," Joebear said.
"Quit!!!!" I yelled in the middle of the induction ceremony.
Joebear and Kissy perked up. Everyone stared at us.
"Sorry, bae. She's just a little kitten. She's excited. She didn't mean anything by it," Joebear said.
Kissy meowed an apology.
"I know, but we're conducting a meeting. When we get done inducting Paul the Goat and discussing business, you guys can do your bullshit. Until then, stop!" I yelled.
"You're a little strung out, huh?" Joebear asked.
"Yes, dear," I said as I hissed before roaring at his bear ass.
Kissy reared up in fright.
"Ahem. Well, Paul the Goat, I need you to sign these forms," Mr. Thor said.
Peter's phone made a noise as it frequently does these days. "Jesus Christ, Dad! I'm at an important meeting!" he yelled.
"Tell your dad to cool it!" I snapped.
"Who the fuck are you to say anything to me?! I'm rank 16! You're rank 15. Shut the fuck up," Peter yelled and bleated in giraffe language.
Mr. Thor smashed the ground with his hammer and screamed. "For the love of God, I'm trying to induct a new member, and you guys are being asshats. I'm rank 29. On my authority, shut the fuck up!" Mr. Thor yelled.
Everyone at that point started to act like a normal goat/bear/giraffe/cat/jaguar/dog.
Paul the Goat bleated out of excitement as he signed the documents.
Everyone bleated. Mr. Thor bleated again. Murphee barked. Kissy and Garfield meowed.
Tug burst in the door.
"Oh God! I forgot to lock the door again. Fuck it. Can we induct Tug in the secret society of goats? This is the second fucking time he's done this shit!" Murphee said dramatically.
"Sure! Paul the Goat is still signing documents!" Mr. Thor yelled and threw his hands up while holding his mighty Thor hammer.
Joebear's phone rang, and the Pokemon theme song began.
"Oh for the love of God..." Mr. Thor said as he sighed loudly.
Joebear yelled. "I forgot to turn the phone off."
I answered the phone and put it on speaker.
Everyone bleated to answer the phone. The theme song changed to a cheery Christmas tone from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (2000).
The phone spoke and sounded like the Grinch in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. "If you are a goat that needs health insurance, press 1. If you are a bear that needs health insurance, press 2. If you are a cat of any kind that needs health insurance, press 3. If you are a giraffe that needs health insurance, press 4. If you are a dog that needs health insurance, press 5. If you are a toilet that needs health insurance, press 9. If you'd like to fax me, press the star key."
A few goats in the background laughed. One goat said, "I wish he'd call me, I'd press 1. I hate owing on taxes because I don't have health insurance!"
A few other goats, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and I laughed at his response.
Joebear sighed loudly. He said "Oh my God!" quietly before he spoke in a regular tone. "May I speak to a person?"
"Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful AND triumphant!" the voice that sounded like Jim Carrey's grinch said.
Everyone in the meeting hall laughed hysterically.
The phone clicked before a person answered in an Indian accent, "Hello?!"
"What company are you?" Joebear asked.
Everyone bleated loudly. Paul the Goat bleated even louder to prove his worth.
"Excuse me? Do you want health insurance?" the man with the Indian accent asked.
Joebear growled. "What. Company. Are. You?"
The phone hung up, and the Christmas theme song stopped.
"Ignorant asshole. I'm collecting a check from you!" Joebear said before he growled and bleated at the same time.
Paul the Goat announced, "I am finished signing the documents!"
Tug howled and half-barked.
"CAN WE INDUCT MY DOG AND MOVE ON WITH THIS GOD-FORSAKEN MEETING!!!" Peter yelled as he jumped up and down. Joselyn was holding onto him and giggling.
"YES! I'D LIKE TO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Mr. Thor yelled before screaming in Asgardian language! "Tug!!!"
Tug howled loudly and jumped on stage. "I'm ready! My house is exploding! Let's get on with this!" he said.
Peter sighed his trademark sigh and bleated out of frustration. "Not again!" he yelled.
Mr. Thor beat the floor with the hammer before he turned to Tug. "Tug, do you, Great Basenji, agree to follow the code of the secret society? Do you agree to burst in on a meeting only for an absolute purpose of doing right by a moral code?"
Tug howled and reared up in agreement.
Everyone laughed and bleated.
Peter's phone went off again. He looked down and yelled, "DAD!" He was texting him back and humming.
Tug looked over at Peter and yipped a few times out of frustration.
"Getting frustrated with Peter is an essential part of being a member of this society," Mr. Thor said.
Tug howled loudly in agreement.
"Peter is a fucking asshole," Mr. Thor said.
Tug and Murphee howled in agreement.
"Fuck you!" Peter yelled.
"This meeting wouldn't exist without Peter saying 'Fuck you,'" I said.
Kissy and Garfield meowed in agreement.
Mr. Thor let Tug go through the papers to put his paw print on the appropriate dotted line.
Joebear petted Kissy and Garfield to comfort them.
When Tug was filling out paperwork, Peter all of a sudden bleated like the giraffe he was. He jumped up and down with Joselyn riding his back. He bleated one more time like a giraffe before running out of the meeting hall at full speed.
Everyone except Tug and Mr. Thor looked out of the window and wondered what the fuck that was about.
"What was that about?" Joebear asked while he looked legitimately confused and scared. "This reminds me of the time I went off on Covington Credit in Athens over the phone for reason only apparent to me six weeks ago."
We watched as Peter chomped on some leaves on the trees outside to relieve stress and anxiety that his dad causes him on a regular basis. Apparently, Peter had gotten hungry from the bullshit this meeting put him through.
Joselyn was petting his back as she rode him. She bleated several times. A few times, she bleated in his ears. He bleated back softly.
We bleated loudly several times in response. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing still had trouble bleating, so he coughed and said, "Baaaaahhhhh!" He should have been in the secret society of sheep based on his larynx ability. He was still welcome in the secret society of goats, though.
"Oh God, you people are such normies. You don't know it. Just wake up one morning and listen to yourselves. Listen to yourselves. You're normies," Mr. Thor announced.
Everyone laughed and bleated.
Murphee barked in agreement.
"MURPHAY!" I yelled.
"MURPHAY!!!" everyone yelled. Everyone added an obligatory bleat.
Joselyn rode Peter back into the meeting hall.
"We have returned," Peter announced as he slowly laid on the mat next to me on the end. Joselyn's ass stayed glued to Peter's back.
"Welcome back, Peter," Mr. Thor said.
"Welcome back, Peter," everyone said. Everyone bleated.
Peter and Joselyn bleated well.
Tug slammed his paw on the last document and announced, "I have finished my paperwork. Please get to official business. Peter's father isn't faring well. We must make haste!"
Joebear smashed a spider near him. "Sorry. He was too big. He couldn't stay," he said.
Mr. Thor spoke, "Jesus... Now that the spider is gone, we can talk about new uniforms."
Tug sighed. "Of course! I picked today's meeting to call an emergency for Jamie. Jesus.... uniforms..."
Mr. Thor threw a Viking hat on Tug's head and said, "Go forth. Relay the message that Peter shall be there shortly."
Tug rushed out of the meeting hall and said, "Thank you."
When Tug rushed out, Gabby, Mr. Thor's missing thin tabby cat with pale blue majestic eyes, walked through the hall in regal style. Everyone looked to him and bleated.
Gabby came on the stage. Mr. Thor crowned him with a Viking helmet. Gabby thanked him. Murphee howled in his honor.
When Gabby spoke, he had the melodic deep voice of James Earl Jones. "Hello everyone of the secret society of goats and to the basenji that ran out of here in honor."
Everyone bleated loudly and said, "Hello!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat were a bit slow to respond. They were still new members who had no idea whom the fuck Gabby was.
"Hello. I have come to announce that I have a new owner. She is a 90-year-old woman that needs my love and care. Without me, she has no animal to watch over her," Gabby announced. He turned to Mr. Thor and said, "I thank thee for caring for me for 20 years. I have you to thank for the cat I am today."
Some of the other goats were shedding tears of joy for Gabby.
"You're welcome," Mr. Thor said. "I thank you for doing your goatly... catly duty for this esteemed society. I couldn't be prouder of you, Gabby Hayes Parmello."
Murphee howled. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing struggled with the last few seconds of his bleat.
"Now go forth, Gabby Hayes. Take care of that woman. Come to our meetings when you can. As a rank 20 goat/cat elite, you can pick and choose when to come," Mr. Thor said.
Gabby Hayes walked off the stage, down the middle of the meeting hall, and exited.
Everyone bleated loudly.
"Gabbbbbbaaaaayyyyyyyy!!" Every member except Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat yelled in excitement.
"Gabby is a rank 20 cat goat that must be acknowledged before, during, and after the meetings he attends. He brings joy to all of Georgia's neighborhoods," Lindsay said to Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.
"Wow! There are so many surprises in this society. How do you guys keep track of what the hell is going on?" asked Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.
"We don't," Prince Carrington answered with a laugh bleat.
"Very true," Peter said as he rolled his eyes. "This society is completely fucked-up."
"Especially because you're in it. I hate you," I said to Peter.
"Hate you, too. I hate the air you breathe," Peter said with a giraffe bleat.
I growled at him like the jaguar I was.
Mr. Thor beat the floor with his mighty hammer again.
Murphee barked three times.
"Now to discuss uniforms! For the men of this esteemed secret society of goats, we will wear Viking helmets, loin cloths, and boots up to our knees. We will also carry mighty hammers if we are above rank 10 and have aposable thumbs," Mr. Thor said.
Peter looked down at his hooves and said, "Fuck!"
Most of the room laughed at Peter's plight.
"As for the women, they will wear Viking helmets, loin cloths, boots up to their knees, and cloth bras if they so choose. Emphasis on the cloth bras being optional!" Mr. Thor announced.
All the male goats, cats, dogs, and Asgardian Gods shouted and bleated well in response. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing bleated perfectly on that note. He was becoming one with his goat. Peter, Prince Carrington, and Joebear remained silent out of respect for Joselyn, Lindsay, and me, respectively. Joselyn kissed Peter's neck to thank him.
Lindsay bleated a mating bleat to thank Prince Carrington.
"Bae WHUHhhhh!!!!" I said and bleated.
"Bae WHUHhhhh!!!" Joebear said and bleated. For only being in the secret society of goats for a week, he bleated very well. As a bear, he became one with his goat spirit quickly. He was already rank 10.
"Everyone! Let us dress!!!" Mr. Thor said.
Everyone rose and saw that there were outfits available for all. We began to get dressed in our attire and sang bleats of joy.
Mr. Thor crowned Murphee with a Viking helmet and wrapped a loin cloth around his waist. He howled loudly with pride.
Joebear adjusted his Viking helmet on his big head and took his mighty Thor hammer, boots, and loin cloth from the stage. He began to transform into an Asgardian bear God who resembled the Incredible Hulk. He growled to show his pride. He then put a mini Viking helmet and a loin cloth on Kissy. She roared.
I put my Viking helmet on and resembled a jaguar Sonya from Diablo. I growled to show my pride. I then put a Viking helmet and loin cloth on Garfield. He roared.
Joselyn put the Viking helmet on Peter's head, and he bleated happily. He became a Super Coping Giraffe. Joselyn then put her own Viking helmet on and became a Valkyrie. She was rank 9 in the secret society of goats. She and Peter bleated together.
Prince Carrington put his Viking helmet under his crown and put his hammer in the air. "For Asgard! For goats! For 'Murica!"
When everyone had Viking helmets on, we bleated and put our hooves/hammers in the air. We shouted, "For Asgard! For goats! For 'Murica!"
Mr. Thor sung a song in Gaelic before he shouted, "This meeting is adjourned! Go forth, and do your duties!" He then bleated loudly.
Everyone except Peter, Joselyn, Joebear, and I bleated loudly and then went forth and got the fuck out of there to do whatever it was we were supposed to do.
Mr. Thor farted loudly to officially end the meeting.
Lindsay, my best female friend, started off the meeting with a ritualistic truth dance. Mr. Thor, Murphee, Lindsay, Peter, and I led the meeting.
Asshole Peter is now rank 16. He was able to ignore my cat, Kissy, a new member of the secret society of goats and not die. As a result of his razzle dazzle bullshit, I turned that mother fucker into a giraffe yesterday. I was supposed to wait until November to turn him into a giraffe, but fuck him and his tall, pale, and awkward bullshit.
In other news, I turned myself into a jaguar as a side effect of the spell. I can bleat, but I always sound angry because Peter W. Parker pisses me off. I'm hungry all the time, too. At least jaguars are predators to giraffes.
Peter's girlfriend, Joselyn, constantly talks about how she wants to ride him. She loves riding giraffes, especially if they are assholes like Peter. She sat on his back when the meeting officially began.
"Ladies and Gentlemen... and animals," Mr. Thor said.
Murphee barked to acknowledge this statement.
"We have a new member. His name is A. P. Himmel," Mr. Thor said.
A.P. Himmel stood up. "Oh Lord. Please, Mr. Thor and all members of this secret of society of goats, call me Paul," he said with an excellent bleat.
Everyone except asshole giraffe Peter bleated.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still struggling with his bleat. "Damn," he said.
"Oh God. My cousin's named Paul," Peter said. "And he isn't part of the secret society of goats... Should we appoint this Paul with a title?!"
Everyone, especially the women, bleated in affirmation.
"Yes! Paul the Goat?" Mr. Thor asked.
Paul laughed hard and hearty. "Yes. Paul the Goat is suiting," he said.
"Wonderful! Let the induction ceremony begin!" Mr. Thor announced.
Everyone bleated. Joebear growled in affirmation. He was a good beast.
"Come on stage, Paul the Goat!" Mr. Thor said with authority.
Paul the Goat went on stage. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still having trouble bleating, so he coughed to clear his throat.
Kissy meowed out of turn and started biting Joebear's ankles out of excitement.
"Stop, Kissy," Joebear said kindly.
Kissy stopped before she pawed at his toes.
"I said, 'Stop,' baby girl," Joebear said.
"Quit!!!!" I yelled in the middle of the induction ceremony.
Joebear and Kissy perked up. Everyone stared at us.
"Sorry, bae. She's just a little kitten. She's excited. She didn't mean anything by it," Joebear said.
Kissy meowed an apology.
"I know, but we're conducting a meeting. When we get done inducting Paul the Goat and discussing business, you guys can do your bullshit. Until then, stop!" I yelled.
"You're a little strung out, huh?" Joebear asked.
"Yes, dear," I said as I hissed before roaring at his bear ass.
Kissy reared up in fright.
"Ahem. Well, Paul the Goat, I need you to sign these forms," Mr. Thor said.
Peter's phone made a noise as it frequently does these days. "Jesus Christ, Dad! I'm at an important meeting!" he yelled.
"Tell your dad to cool it!" I snapped.
"Who the fuck are you to say anything to me?! I'm rank 16! You're rank 15. Shut the fuck up," Peter yelled and bleated in giraffe language.
Mr. Thor smashed the ground with his hammer and screamed. "For the love of God, I'm trying to induct a new member, and you guys are being asshats. I'm rank 29. On my authority, shut the fuck up!" Mr. Thor yelled.
Everyone at that point started to act like a normal goat/bear/giraffe/cat/jaguar/dog.
Paul the Goat bleated out of excitement as he signed the documents.
Everyone bleated. Mr. Thor bleated again. Murphee barked. Kissy and Garfield meowed.
Tug burst in the door.
"Oh God! I forgot to lock the door again. Fuck it. Can we induct Tug in the secret society of goats? This is the second fucking time he's done this shit!" Murphee said dramatically.
"Sure! Paul the Goat is still signing documents!" Mr. Thor yelled and threw his hands up while holding his mighty Thor hammer.
Joebear's phone rang, and the Pokemon theme song began.
"Oh for the love of God..." Mr. Thor said as he sighed loudly.
Joebear yelled. "I forgot to turn the phone off."
I answered the phone and put it on speaker.
Everyone bleated to answer the phone. The theme song changed to a cheery Christmas tone from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (2000).
The phone spoke and sounded like the Grinch in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. "If you are a goat that needs health insurance, press 1. If you are a bear that needs health insurance, press 2. If you are a cat of any kind that needs health insurance, press 3. If you are a giraffe that needs health insurance, press 4. If you are a dog that needs health insurance, press 5. If you are a toilet that needs health insurance, press 9. If you'd like to fax me, press the star key."
A few goats in the background laughed. One goat said, "I wish he'd call me, I'd press 1. I hate owing on taxes because I don't have health insurance!"
A few other goats, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and I laughed at his response.
Joebear sighed loudly. He said "Oh my God!" quietly before he spoke in a regular tone. "May I speak to a person?"
"Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful AND triumphant!" the voice that sounded like Jim Carrey's grinch said.
Everyone in the meeting hall laughed hysterically.
The phone clicked before a person answered in an Indian accent, "Hello?!"
"What company are you?" Joebear asked.
Everyone bleated loudly. Paul the Goat bleated even louder to prove his worth.
"Excuse me? Do you want health insurance?" the man with the Indian accent asked.
Joebear growled. "What. Company. Are. You?"
The phone hung up, and the Christmas theme song stopped.
"Ignorant asshole. I'm collecting a check from you!" Joebear said before he growled and bleated at the same time.
Paul the Goat announced, "I am finished signing the documents!"
Tug howled and half-barked.
"CAN WE INDUCT MY DOG AND MOVE ON WITH THIS GOD-FORSAKEN MEETING!!!" Peter yelled as he jumped up and down. Joselyn was holding onto him and giggling.
"YES! I'D LIKE TO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Mr. Thor yelled before screaming in Asgardian language! "Tug!!!"
Tug howled loudly and jumped on stage. "I'm ready! My house is exploding! Let's get on with this!" he said.
Peter sighed his trademark sigh and bleated out of frustration. "Not again!" he yelled.
Mr. Thor beat the floor with the hammer before he turned to Tug. "Tug, do you, Great Basenji, agree to follow the code of the secret society? Do you agree to burst in on a meeting only for an absolute purpose of doing right by a moral code?"
Tug howled and reared up in agreement.
Everyone laughed and bleated.
Peter's phone went off again. He looked down and yelled, "DAD!" He was texting him back and humming.
Tug looked over at Peter and yipped a few times out of frustration.
"Getting frustrated with Peter is an essential part of being a member of this society," Mr. Thor said.
Tug howled loudly in agreement.
"Peter is a fucking asshole," Mr. Thor said.
Tug and Murphee howled in agreement.
"Fuck you!" Peter yelled.
"This meeting wouldn't exist without Peter saying 'Fuck you,'" I said.
Kissy and Garfield meowed in agreement.
Mr. Thor let Tug go through the papers to put his paw print on the appropriate dotted line.
Joebear petted Kissy and Garfield to comfort them.
When Tug was filling out paperwork, Peter all of a sudden bleated like the giraffe he was. He jumped up and down with Joselyn riding his back. He bleated one more time like a giraffe before running out of the meeting hall at full speed.
Everyone except Tug and Mr. Thor looked out of the window and wondered what the fuck that was about.
"What was that about?" Joebear asked while he looked legitimately confused and scared. "This reminds me of the time I went off on Covington Credit in Athens over the phone for reason only apparent to me six weeks ago."
We watched as Peter chomped on some leaves on the trees outside to relieve stress and anxiety that his dad causes him on a regular basis. Apparently, Peter had gotten hungry from the bullshit this meeting put him through.
Joselyn was petting his back as she rode him. She bleated several times. A few times, she bleated in his ears. He bleated back softly.
We bleated loudly several times in response. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing still had trouble bleating, so he coughed and said, "Baaaaahhhhh!" He should have been in the secret society of sheep based on his larynx ability. He was still welcome in the secret society of goats, though.
"Oh God, you people are such normies. You don't know it. Just wake up one morning and listen to yourselves. Listen to yourselves. You're normies," Mr. Thor announced.
Everyone laughed and bleated.
Murphee barked in agreement.
"MURPHAY!" I yelled.
"MURPHAY!!!" everyone yelled. Everyone added an obligatory bleat.
Joselyn rode Peter back into the meeting hall.
"We have returned," Peter announced as he slowly laid on the mat next to me on the end. Joselyn's ass stayed glued to Peter's back.
"Welcome back, Peter," Mr. Thor said.
"Welcome back, Peter," everyone said. Everyone bleated.
Peter and Joselyn bleated well.
Tug slammed his paw on the last document and announced, "I have finished my paperwork. Please get to official business. Peter's father isn't faring well. We must make haste!"
Joebear smashed a spider near him. "Sorry. He was too big. He couldn't stay," he said.
Mr. Thor spoke, "Jesus... Now that the spider is gone, we can talk about new uniforms."
Tug sighed. "Of course! I picked today's meeting to call an emergency for Jamie. Jesus.... uniforms..."
Mr. Thor threw a Viking hat on Tug's head and said, "Go forth. Relay the message that Peter shall be there shortly."
Tug rushed out of the meeting hall and said, "Thank you."
When Tug rushed out, Gabby, Mr. Thor's missing thin tabby cat with pale blue majestic eyes, walked through the hall in regal style. Everyone looked to him and bleated.
Gabby came on the stage. Mr. Thor crowned him with a Viking helmet. Gabby thanked him. Murphee howled in his honor.
When Gabby spoke, he had the melodic deep voice of James Earl Jones. "Hello everyone of the secret society of goats and to the basenji that ran out of here in honor."
Everyone bleated loudly and said, "Hello!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat were a bit slow to respond. They were still new members who had no idea whom the fuck Gabby was.
"Hello. I have come to announce that I have a new owner. She is a 90-year-old woman that needs my love and care. Without me, she has no animal to watch over her," Gabby announced. He turned to Mr. Thor and said, "I thank thee for caring for me for 20 years. I have you to thank for the cat I am today."
Some of the other goats were shedding tears of joy for Gabby.
"You're welcome," Mr. Thor said. "I thank you for doing your goatly... catly duty for this esteemed society. I couldn't be prouder of you, Gabby Hayes Parmello."
Murphee howled. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing struggled with the last few seconds of his bleat.
"Now go forth, Gabby Hayes. Take care of that woman. Come to our meetings when you can. As a rank 20 goat/cat elite, you can pick and choose when to come," Mr. Thor said.
Gabby Hayes walked off the stage, down the middle of the meeting hall, and exited.
Everyone bleated loudly.
"Gabbbbbbaaaaayyyyyyyy!!" Every member except Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat yelled in excitement.
"Gabby is a rank 20 cat goat that must be acknowledged before, during, and after the meetings he attends. He brings joy to all of Georgia's neighborhoods," Lindsay said to Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.
"Wow! There are so many surprises in this society. How do you guys keep track of what the hell is going on?" asked Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.
"We don't," Prince Carrington answered with a laugh bleat.
"Very true," Peter said as he rolled his eyes. "This society is completely fucked-up."
"Especially because you're in it. I hate you," I said to Peter.
"Hate you, too. I hate the air you breathe," Peter said with a giraffe bleat.
I growled at him like the jaguar I was.
Mr. Thor beat the floor with his mighty hammer again.
Murphee barked three times.
"Now to discuss uniforms! For the men of this esteemed secret society of goats, we will wear Viking helmets, loin cloths, and boots up to our knees. We will also carry mighty hammers if we are above rank 10 and have aposable thumbs," Mr. Thor said.
Peter looked down at his hooves and said, "Fuck!"
Most of the room laughed at Peter's plight.
"As for the women, they will wear Viking helmets, loin cloths, boots up to their knees, and cloth bras if they so choose. Emphasis on the cloth bras being optional!" Mr. Thor announced.
All the male goats, cats, dogs, and Asgardian Gods shouted and bleated well in response. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing bleated perfectly on that note. He was becoming one with his goat. Peter, Prince Carrington, and Joebear remained silent out of respect for Joselyn, Lindsay, and me, respectively. Joselyn kissed Peter's neck to thank him.
Lindsay bleated a mating bleat to thank Prince Carrington.
"Bae WHUHhhhh!!!!" I said and bleated.
"Bae WHUHhhhh!!!" Joebear said and bleated. For only being in the secret society of goats for a week, he bleated very well. As a bear, he became one with his goat spirit quickly. He was already rank 10.
"Everyone! Let us dress!!!" Mr. Thor said.
Everyone rose and saw that there were outfits available for all. We began to get dressed in our attire and sang bleats of joy.
Mr. Thor crowned Murphee with a Viking helmet and wrapped a loin cloth around his waist. He howled loudly with pride.
Joebear adjusted his Viking helmet on his big head and took his mighty Thor hammer, boots, and loin cloth from the stage. He began to transform into an Asgardian bear God who resembled the Incredible Hulk. He growled to show his pride. He then put a mini Viking helmet and a loin cloth on Kissy. She roared.
I put my Viking helmet on and resembled a jaguar Sonya from Diablo. I growled to show my pride. I then put a Viking helmet and loin cloth on Garfield. He roared.
Joselyn put the Viking helmet on Peter's head, and he bleated happily. He became a Super Coping Giraffe. Joselyn then put her own Viking helmet on and became a Valkyrie. She was rank 9 in the secret society of goats. She and Peter bleated together.
Prince Carrington put his Viking helmet under his crown and put his hammer in the air. "For Asgard! For goats! For 'Murica!"
When everyone had Viking helmets on, we bleated and put our hooves/hammers in the air. We shouted, "For Asgard! For goats! For 'Murica!"
Mr. Thor sung a song in Gaelic before he shouted, "This meeting is adjourned! Go forth, and do your duties!" He then bleated loudly.
Everyone except Peter, Joselyn, Joebear, and I bleated loudly and then went forth and got the fuck out of there to do whatever it was we were supposed to do.
Mr. Thor farted loudly to officially end the meeting.