(no subject)
I don't always write in here but I was just feeling up to it now. I feel so numb right now, like anything could happen and I would just be like "ok fine." I hate feeling this way but the winter makes it happen. I hate being out in the cold, it's such an effort to be outside when it gets this way and there is no way around it. I guess this might be how some people feel in the summertime, but I would so much rather deal with the heat. It's pretty lame how weather can affect me so much but that's just how it goes. College Park is such a horrible place. I was thinking the other day how I have not made a huge effort to make alot of friends at school. But then, it seems like everyone has their own thing going on and I feel so much older than them because I am. It's like I see how my brother has so many people he is gonna be friends with for a long time from college and I just don't have that. I am starting to realize that I am really kind of anti social. I never make a point to hang out with people on a regular basis. And it's not like I don't want to be friends with anyone, but it's just so hard to get it going. Maybe that is why I get so depressed sometimes. I also think that being so screwed over by someone who was my best friend in middle and high school, it's like I just don't want to go through that kind of betrayal again so I just avoid it. I know that's counter productive but it drives me to be a loner for the most part. I sound like such a loser. I have no fucking idea what I am gonna do after I graduate. It finally occurred to me that I am going to graduate in December and then what? I have just been ignoring it for so long. I have this nagging feeling that I need to do music but I don't know how to even get started. I think I will just try to really focus on it when I am done with school and have the time for it. But will I have time for it? I have to make it happen but I don't know how I can afford that. agggghhh!! I can't imagine having a kid right now, like I am still trying to figure out what I am doing, still trying to find parts of myself and so many people I know from high school have kids now and it's just like, I can't even imagine it. Everyone is ready for things at different times in their lives but I just don't see how at so young of an age so many people can be ready for that. More power to them. I'm just glad it's not me. I have no motivation to do anyhting right now. I am so tired and run down and I feel like a zombie at times. I'm not even on anything hahaha! Why is there such a huge amount of satisfaction involved with doing absolutely nothing? Am I alone in feeling this way? It just feels so good to be lazy and procrastinate. I know I should go to bed because I have a class at 9:30 but I'm really not all that tired. I mean, I get up so fucking early every day and I don't usually take a nap or anything and when I should be tired and going to sleep, my mind is reeling and I am just not sleepy at all. I don't know what the problem is. I just hope things get back to normal soon, whatever that may be.