Who knew?
As I look back over my day, I realize that the sting is gone. Thirteen years ago today, I had to make the decision to remove my son from life support and let his body go. His spirit, his soul, had already left. He was in the arms of Jesus and I had to accept that he wasn't going to wake up.
I remember thinking that my life was over, that there was no way I could live with the pain that was ripping me apart. That I wouldn't be able to function. I remember being told that time would ease the pain and that someday I could remember my son with joy and peace. I rejected that idea, it seemed impossible to even consider. How could I ever experience happiness when my child, my son, my baby, was dead?
Looking back over the past 13 years, I have to admit they were right. The pain has eased to dull ache that only comes when I focus all of my attention on it. It's not just time that has eased the pain. The knowledge that my son is in Heaven, with God and all of His glory, where there is no pain, no loss, no tears and that I will be with him again is what lets me experience joy.
When I scenario out my life, considering all of the possibilities of how our lives might have gone were my son still with me... I can't say that it would have turned out for the better. Troy would be 16 this year and, to be quite frank, I can't even imagine having a 16 year old boy right now. As much as I would love to have him with me still, I must concede that God's will and plan is far greater than mine. I know, with all of the being in my soul, that I will be with Troy again when God calls me home and that is the source of my peace.
My joy is not dependent on my circumstances in this world, nor in the people in my life, the roof over my head or the jobs that keep me employed. My joy and peace come directly from my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, and His healing power. Without it, I would have probably given up on this life and ended my existence long ago.
I remember thinking that my life was over, that there was no way I could live with the pain that was ripping me apart. That I wouldn't be able to function. I remember being told that time would ease the pain and that someday I could remember my son with joy and peace. I rejected that idea, it seemed impossible to even consider. How could I ever experience happiness when my child, my son, my baby, was dead?
Looking back over the past 13 years, I have to admit they were right. The pain has eased to dull ache that only comes when I focus all of my attention on it. It's not just time that has eased the pain. The knowledge that my son is in Heaven, with God and all of His glory, where there is no pain, no loss, no tears and that I will be with him again is what lets me experience joy.
When I scenario out my life, considering all of the possibilities of how our lives might have gone were my son still with me... I can't say that it would have turned out for the better. Troy would be 16 this year and, to be quite frank, I can't even imagine having a 16 year old boy right now. As much as I would love to have him with me still, I must concede that God's will and plan is far greater than mine. I know, with all of the being in my soul, that I will be with Troy again when God calls me home and that is the source of my peace.
My joy is not dependent on my circumstances in this world, nor in the people in my life, the roof over my head or the jobs that keep me employed. My joy and peace come directly from my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, and His healing power. Without it, I would have probably given up on this life and ended my existence long ago.