(no subject)
i hate it when someone draws their own conclusions. especially such severe conclusions.
i suppose i expect everyone to be on my similar quest. the quest to understand everyone and everything. to understand hatred, grief, addiction, apathy, guilt, guilt, guilt, joy, etc.
i went home for christmas. my mom isn't doing well. she is currently in the grip of severe mental illness and alcoholism. she is about to loose everything she holds dear and it pains me to watch it. it is my punishment. i finally understand what it is like it really watch someone you love so dearly, thoroughly destroy themselves. she missed christmas. i got a call christmas morning from her, barely coherent and crying, saying she didn't know where she was and she couldn't come home but merry christmas! you do what you have to do, but it hurts. my brother stayed strong for me and i stayed strong for my brother, but we stared into each others eyes watching our similar pain. he took the upstairs bathroom and i took the downstairs and we cried - listening to each others tears through the air vents. we opened presents with forced smiles.
my life in virginia is all mess and very little hope. the friends i truly hold dear have mostly passed me off as a drug addict and it is very difficult convincing them i now enjoy grocery shopping and taking pictures - no longer shooting heroin. there is very little understanding and i understand why. i cannot blame them, i can even sympathize. but those that do accept me, even tentatively, i so appreciate.
the life i long for now is so different from the life i have lived. and the life i'm currently grasping is painful in every way. but thankfully, i am a firm believer in 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' all i can do is love, work, learn and wait. (as cheesy as that sounds)
my therapist says shame is at the bottom of it all. i believe him.
i suppose i expect everyone to be on my similar quest. the quest to understand everyone and everything. to understand hatred, grief, addiction, apathy, guilt, guilt, guilt, joy, etc.
i went home for christmas. my mom isn't doing well. she is currently in the grip of severe mental illness and alcoholism. she is about to loose everything she holds dear and it pains me to watch it. it is my punishment. i finally understand what it is like it really watch someone you love so dearly, thoroughly destroy themselves. she missed christmas. i got a call christmas morning from her, barely coherent and crying, saying she didn't know where she was and she couldn't come home but merry christmas! you do what you have to do, but it hurts. my brother stayed strong for me and i stayed strong for my brother, but we stared into each others eyes watching our similar pain. he took the upstairs bathroom and i took the downstairs and we cried - listening to each others tears through the air vents. we opened presents with forced smiles.
my life in virginia is all mess and very little hope. the friends i truly hold dear have mostly passed me off as a drug addict and it is very difficult convincing them i now enjoy grocery shopping and taking pictures - no longer shooting heroin. there is very little understanding and i understand why. i cannot blame them, i can even sympathize. but those that do accept me, even tentatively, i so appreciate.
the life i long for now is so different from the life i have lived. and the life i'm currently grasping is painful in every way. but thankfully, i am a firm believer in 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' all i can do is love, work, learn and wait. (as cheesy as that sounds)
my therapist says shame is at the bottom of it all. i believe him.