twists, turns. and heading back
so i've beenback home since thursday (5/13/10) and i already feel completely lost.
its almost like im light years away from alot of my friends here. most of the time it feels like a complete lie that i am living because im keeping my anorexia pretty much disclosed. of course people who read this journal know what i've been going through but most of my other friends have absolutely no idea...
since i've been back there has been no real "relaxation time". graduation party, ceremonies, recitals, and many other end of the year fiestas have been taking placed and i just cant help me reminisce about a lot things that have happened to me since i left high school..have i really set out to improve myself of the way i was in high school?
i'd say that I have gotten better, and become a better persona over all. i also feel however, very much older than kids my age. i know ive said this before, but there's a big difference in the way i view the world. most kids wanna go out party, drink, dance, have one night stand...and though all of that is completely fine and fun...i feel like i'm just putting myself into more self-destruction, sometimes it gets to feel too risky for me.
another thing that kind of blows my mind since i've left houston, is how i cried myself to sleep the night i got back and laid in my bed here.
it's been forever since i had done that. when did being home become so hard to be at?
i missed my teammates terribly, and maybe it was that i wanted to be competing with them so bad at conference this weekend that my tears were those of desperation..
or maybe it was that id said goodbye to my dear friend stephanie, who will be moving to west virginia next week to be closer to canada/family. she is one of my very few truly beloved friends. even though we have plans to already see each other for my birthday or sometime in the fall, it will never be the same, and will only be when we ( stephanie, megan, me) are all together again..
or perhaps it was all of the unknown i'd be facing this summer. idk if i'd be able to run like i did last year because only my summer training can help me depict that. idk if i'd be able to keep my weight under control and not slide. i have beens o successful because of my dietitian(michelle) and therapist (debbie). and now that i've left houston will i find people like them who can help me continue on my improvement?
adding on that, i think i also cried because i might not be able to see debbie ever again. she is becoming a certified psychologist at the end of the summer and will be opening up her own practice in houston. i could go see her but not at the same rate and i'd have to find a ride to get there since i have no car...
our relationship is a classic one. i did not look forward to meeting/ talking to someone i absolutely did not know but with time i definately looked forward to talking to her every week.she help me to become stronger and unafraid of all the changes that i had been taking over my life. she helped me deal with them and face them know matter the outcome.
my sustainability throughout the year is because of her and i will truly miss her and our relationship.
so all in all i will be returning to houston for a few days. maybe i need to make a more peaceful goodbye or simply enjoy myself...but whatever it is i just wanna do this strictly for me and my well being..
its almost like im light years away from alot of my friends here. most of the time it feels like a complete lie that i am living because im keeping my anorexia pretty much disclosed. of course people who read this journal know what i've been going through but most of my other friends have absolutely no idea...
since i've been back there has been no real "relaxation time". graduation party, ceremonies, recitals, and many other end of the year fiestas have been taking placed and i just cant help me reminisce about a lot things that have happened to me since i left high school..have i really set out to improve myself of the way i was in high school?
i'd say that I have gotten better, and become a better persona over all. i also feel however, very much older than kids my age. i know ive said this before, but there's a big difference in the way i view the world. most kids wanna go out party, drink, dance, have one night stand...and though all of that is completely fine and fun...i feel like i'm just putting myself into more self-destruction, sometimes it gets to feel too risky for me.
another thing that kind of blows my mind since i've left houston, is how i cried myself to sleep the night i got back and laid in my bed here.
it's been forever since i had done that. when did being home become so hard to be at?
i missed my teammates terribly, and maybe it was that i wanted to be competing with them so bad at conference this weekend that my tears were those of desperation..
or maybe it was that id said goodbye to my dear friend stephanie, who will be moving to west virginia next week to be closer to canada/family. she is one of my very few truly beloved friends. even though we have plans to already see each other for my birthday or sometime in the fall, it will never be the same, and will only be when we ( stephanie, megan, me) are all together again..
or perhaps it was all of the unknown i'd be facing this summer. idk if i'd be able to run like i did last year because only my summer training can help me depict that. idk if i'd be able to keep my weight under control and not slide. i have beens o successful because of my dietitian(michelle) and therapist (debbie). and now that i've left houston will i find people like them who can help me continue on my improvement?
adding on that, i think i also cried because i might not be able to see debbie ever again. she is becoming a certified psychologist at the end of the summer and will be opening up her own practice in houston. i could go see her but not at the same rate and i'd have to find a ride to get there since i have no car...
our relationship is a classic one. i did not look forward to meeting/ talking to someone i absolutely did not know but with time i definately looked forward to talking to her every week.she help me to become stronger and unafraid of all the changes that i had been taking over my life. she helped me deal with them and face them know matter the outcome.
my sustainability throughout the year is because of her and i will truly miss her and our relationship.
so all in all i will be returning to houston for a few days. maybe i need to make a more peaceful goodbye or simply enjoy myself...but whatever it is i just wanna do this strictly for me and my well being..