Work frustrations
Given: I don't have much in the way of self confidence when it comes to my ability to overcome new challenges. I do instead have a history of giving up and running away when the going gets tough. This job at the farm has been good/terrifying at pushing those challenging buttons. My boss has more confidence in my ability to get things done than I do. I guess this is ultimately a good thing, but man does it make me fucking nervous sometimes.
Like right now. My boss just told me to get our biggest tractor and hook it up to our biggest implement and tow the whole thing to the shop to check it out and lubricate it before we put it into action. I sincerely doubt my ability to drive the thing, but boss clearly thinks I'm capable of it. Okay. But I'm going to write this real quick and have a little freak-out about it first, I think.
I've lost three jobs because I ran away from challenging things that I didn't know how to do without help. I had run away from tasks because I didn't want to do them, didn't think I had the capacity to do them or some other morph of that concept.
Here at the farm, when the boss gives me a task, there's really not very far I can run and hide. Most of the time I just have to buckle down and face the challenge and either do it successfully or have lots of trouble and need help. The latter possibility is STILL hard for me to confront, even though I've asked for help lots of times at this point.
This job is full of moments where I feel like I'm either ridiculously overqualified or ridiculously out of my league. I'm finding there have been fewer and fewer moments where what I'm doing is right around my comfort or skill level. Perhaps my sensitivity to pushing my limits has gone up lately, I don't know. I suppose it's possible. Either way, it seems like I'm either fucking around with hose clamps all day (easy shit) or I'm elbow-deep in a propane-powered engine I know next to nothing about and am deathly afraid to screw up.
I miss being comfortable where I work. But then again, all those places where I was comfortable wound up firing me because I ultimately wouldn't do everything asked of me because I never pushed my comfort level. I guess that's what constitutes a higher paying job; being willing to push your limits more. Given what I see all my friends doing for work, growing at their jobs and agreeing to do things that are out of their comfort zone, I guess that's the main reason I don't make more fucking money.
God fucking dammit, growth isn't easy when you're just figuring everything out at age 34.
I guess I had to start somewhere.
Time to go move some heavy shit. I'm not going to like this. Is that okay for the moment? Can I struggle some more and maybe freak out a little? The emotional component of all this is still five years old, I'm realizing.
Like right now. My boss just told me to get our biggest tractor and hook it up to our biggest implement and tow the whole thing to the shop to check it out and lubricate it before we put it into action. I sincerely doubt my ability to drive the thing, but boss clearly thinks I'm capable of it. Okay. But I'm going to write this real quick and have a little freak-out about it first, I think.
I've lost three jobs because I ran away from challenging things that I didn't know how to do without help. I had run away from tasks because I didn't want to do them, didn't think I had the capacity to do them or some other morph of that concept.
Here at the farm, when the boss gives me a task, there's really not very far I can run and hide. Most of the time I just have to buckle down and face the challenge and either do it successfully or have lots of trouble and need help. The latter possibility is STILL hard for me to confront, even though I've asked for help lots of times at this point.
This job is full of moments where I feel like I'm either ridiculously overqualified or ridiculously out of my league. I'm finding there have been fewer and fewer moments where what I'm doing is right around my comfort or skill level. Perhaps my sensitivity to pushing my limits has gone up lately, I don't know. I suppose it's possible. Either way, it seems like I'm either fucking around with hose clamps all day (easy shit) or I'm elbow-deep in a propane-powered engine I know next to nothing about and am deathly afraid to screw up.
I miss being comfortable where I work. But then again, all those places where I was comfortable wound up firing me because I ultimately wouldn't do everything asked of me because I never pushed my comfort level. I guess that's what constitutes a higher paying job; being willing to push your limits more. Given what I see all my friends doing for work, growing at their jobs and agreeing to do things that are out of their comfort zone, I guess that's the main reason I don't make more fucking money.
God fucking dammit, growth isn't easy when you're just figuring everything out at age 34.
I guess I had to start somewhere.
Time to go move some heavy shit. I'm not going to like this. Is that okay for the moment? Can I struggle some more and maybe freak out a little? The emotional component of all this is still five years old, I'm realizing.