There's a Stranger in the House
When I first got to college, in an effort to make friends and on the prodding of my dad, I decided to pledge a fraternity. It was a fairly small frat composed primarily of the sorts of people I felt like I'd get along with. They were good guys, and I had a pretty good time, but I could never quite get comfortable there. I felt like I was visiting, and I felt like they treated me like a friendly acquaintance that just happened to be there a lot and not as a "brother" whatever that was supposed to be like. In short, I didn't belong, and no amount of friendliness on their parts or trying to fit in on my part was really going to change that short of my just straight out lying to all concerned about who I was.
Ultimately, I left the fraternity. I wished them well. They informed me that the door would always be open if I ever changed my mind. And we all made an attempt to remain friendly, which except for a few assholes to whom I became dead the moment I turned in my pledge pin was successful. I was better off for having left, and truth be told, they were probably better off being rid of me. Everybody won.
Thing is: I've been feeling that way about my job to an increasing degree over the past several months and the past few weeks in particular. It's hard to put my finger on specifics, and doing so always makes me feel petty because my problem stems from a large series of problems which are themselves admittedly minor, but which add up to my just not feeling like I belong there. Kind of a "death by a thousand cuts" type of thing. It's not awful or anything, and I'm still committed to my plan of staying for at least a year. But ultimately, it just doesn't feel like where I need to be.
Recently, a journalism program up at Northwestern caught my eye, largely because they're offering full scholarships for computer sciencey types like myself and also because I always really enjoyed the journalism experience that I've had. Being an editor at The Technique was probably the best job I've ever had. I would most likely be applying for the term starting next January. So, there's plenty of time to make up my mind.
Still though, I feel weird about already planning my next big move. I mean, job aside, I actually like Birmingham pretty well. I've made some good friends, and I'd hate to just leave all that. I'd also hate to just turn the rest of my time here into yet another in a long string of "in between times" for myself. First was Boston which would have been a good idea if I hadn't gotten dumped right before I left and consequently spent the first two-thirds of my time there crying myself to sleep most nights and counting the days until I could go home. Then I was back in Atlanta, which I didn't want to get too reattached to because I'd already made up my mind that I wanted to move away after grad school finished. And now here I am. Again.
I don't want to just write off Birmingham like I did the other places, but I don't think I can stay here, certainly don't want to grow old here, which means the only real question is "when?" And I know as soon as I answer it, the clock starts counting down.
Then there's the problem of going back to school after only a year and a half out. Do I really wanna be that guy? Is there anything actually wrong with that guy? I don't know, but I feel like there's a stigma attached to people that spend too much time getting educated, and I don't think that I want it attached to me.
Anyway, I guess this is all a roundabout way of saying that if anybody's got any bright ideas, I'd love to hear 'em.
Ultimately, I left the fraternity. I wished them well. They informed me that the door would always be open if I ever changed my mind. And we all made an attempt to remain friendly, which except for a few assholes to whom I became dead the moment I turned in my pledge pin was successful. I was better off for having left, and truth be told, they were probably better off being rid of me. Everybody won.
Thing is: I've been feeling that way about my job to an increasing degree over the past several months and the past few weeks in particular. It's hard to put my finger on specifics, and doing so always makes me feel petty because my problem stems from a large series of problems which are themselves admittedly minor, but which add up to my just not feeling like I belong there. Kind of a "death by a thousand cuts" type of thing. It's not awful or anything, and I'm still committed to my plan of staying for at least a year. But ultimately, it just doesn't feel like where I need to be.
Recently, a journalism program up at Northwestern caught my eye, largely because they're offering full scholarships for computer sciencey types like myself and also because I always really enjoyed the journalism experience that I've had. Being an editor at The Technique was probably the best job I've ever had. I would most likely be applying for the term starting next January. So, there's plenty of time to make up my mind.
Still though, I feel weird about already planning my next big move. I mean, job aside, I actually like Birmingham pretty well. I've made some good friends, and I'd hate to just leave all that. I'd also hate to just turn the rest of my time here into yet another in a long string of "in between times" for myself. First was Boston which would have been a good idea if I hadn't gotten dumped right before I left and consequently spent the first two-thirds of my time there crying myself to sleep most nights and counting the days until I could go home. Then I was back in Atlanta, which I didn't want to get too reattached to because I'd already made up my mind that I wanted to move away after grad school finished. And now here I am. Again.
I don't want to just write off Birmingham like I did the other places, but I don't think I can stay here, certainly don't want to grow old here, which means the only real question is "when?" And I know as soon as I answer it, the clock starts counting down.
Then there's the problem of going back to school after only a year and a half out. Do I really wanna be that guy? Is there anything actually wrong with that guy? I don't know, but I feel like there's a stigma attached to people that spend too much time getting educated, and I don't think that I want it attached to me.
Anyway, I guess this is all a roundabout way of saying that if anybody's got any bright ideas, I'd love to hear 'em.