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Woaah. It is odd how pushing the "Update Journal" button seems so foreign to me right now. .
I had every intention of never again writing in this. I hoped it would eventually shut down + be lost to this heartwrenched world forever, or maybe even open a new one, maybe I thought I was loosing aurora.
Then I thought about it + figured out that welll in alll honesty, I am aurora and I need to write. It is a requirement in my life, I need my journal to behold my true ideals, deepest insights, and cascading emotions because let's face it as of late, I have been OVERLOADED in the whole Emotions Department, which is not anything remotely new. Maybe this is just a one-night stand, that and the fact that depriving the world from Ruth's thunderous thoughts would not be right, and furthermore WHAT HAS HAPPENEND TO THE SANCTITY OF COMMENTING?? In other words, nobody comments anymore, so I am going to fix that. That's right, I can still be funni whilst under the influence of these dark and mysterious realms. .which I explain later *see below*. .
It is neither imperative nor relevant for me to explain my absence .. However, this may clear shit up a bit . . Remember this? Yaa I wrote this a while ago about somebody else although . . Cole** .. meant MILLIONS TIMES MORE TO ME THAN TIM EVER DID BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH COLE SINCE I FIRST SAW HIM . .IT WILL ALWAYS BE HIM..seems to be a running theme in my life. . because you were there . . with her . . Have you ever seen somehting that actually makes you sick to the stomach no matter how much alcohol you have consumed?? watched the world maerrily drift on by while your tears try to drown out the suspicious silence and jealousy takes over your smouldering soul. . "its hard to say that I was wrong its hard to say i miss you since you've been gone its not the same". .6 bottles went down the drain. . "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT I DREAM ABOUT YOU HONESTLY TELL ME THAT ITS OVER" It is here that i stop breathing and cease to function no more as my friends and other people who care watched me crumble to the ground thats where I'd lay shattered relasing all the vindications were true thats when you know you HAVE to stop fightin for soemthin that is never going to be anymore. .you say all these words to me and I know but dont you think i've tried i shouldn't even be talkin about this because ppl get pissed off but then again this is my journal and i apparently have not updated in a while so i couldnt care less what anyone thinks. .this is what i do and this is who i am i'm a bar slut who gets down to it its the way i am its how i thrive and show my true grey shades of color. .it may be destroyin me but there is nothin left i can break its all been wrenched out. .its all gone last nite bottles were drianed and my heart bled i lost all control spun around and stumbled to the bathroom and then everyone knew everyone could see me and they looked straight through as if I was trnsparent . . all eyes were on me it was my time to to shine yet all i could do was hang my head in shame. .and watch you. .with her and wonder for the rest of that fuckin nite whther i imagined it or sprang to such sordid conclusions but i will probably never know cos it will never be the same again. .ive lost you AND I COULD HAVE FOUND YOU AGAIN. .I regret that i really do everyone knows i would have chosen you over my fuckin job oh yea which btw I HATE and once aain can't get out of. .its true what they say I am trapped and i bring it all upon myself. .i know i have to be here for so many good people right now but I'm a mess i'm a wreck and had i been able to i would have let the whole bar know how much it hurt to see you there. .with her ITS ALL IN MY HEAD I THINK ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN I CAN'T KEEP PICTURIN YOU WITH HER AND IT HURTS SO BAD i shouldnt let you make me sink to such levels make me cry and feel like i died inside. .my voice shakes when i talk to you becuase the earth moves. .what do i keep doin wrong why do they all run from me. .whats wrong with me why do i keep doin this. .my cousin is right if i stay away from them all of them i'll be happi but no no i wont I CAN NOT STANND being alone and I only like one eprson at a time and it takes me FOREVER to get over somebody this os the longest time I have ever pined after anybody. .select ppl know why. .I'm just gonna get it all out here that way i wont have to relay this pain to anyone else and no one can slam me for what i say ok OK It eally hurts and whats wrose i let it all rise above me so i am prey to its demise voices in my head scream at me to STOP THIS STOP IT NOW but i cant i just. .you mean everythin to me and i can't and i will not no matter what anybody says let you go it just aint gonna happen i sit here chokin and fighting back etars which you know are here with me now. .the only thing i have with me are my tears my blue blue tears the twinkle in my eye flares no more and you were relishing every single fadin second of it all. .you cant keep teasing me like this Ive played these games so many times before i should have awards for them better yet i should know how to win them. .but i cant win becuase I have lost. .i've lost who i am i've lost you and ive lost credibility suckin em back last nite just didnt cut it i was in my element where i really let go and didnt and i couldn't have any fun becuae you were there. .with her she cant love you like i can you must be fuckin kidding me there is no way. .but your with her cos shes obviously better than me prettier and sexier and that really doesnt bother me you are capable of breaking me down into pieces. .yet another ass who enjoys to see me fall. .well you shouldnt bother becuase i already am broken. .when i fall apart theres no one here to put me back together and when i lose sight of this path i chose to be on i'm left loiterin in the dark valleys of sanity who once again have refused admission to me. .i cant do this anymore i cant live on broken dreams yet i cant find new dreams to pounce on. .no matter what i will always love a man more than he could ever love me. .noone is ever gonna give me a dozen red roses just becuase noone is ever really gonna take care of me noone is onna lsten to me when I need it go for long drives with me with the windows down and the music pumpin. .no candlelgiht suppers and romantic getaways its all gone tis all flushed bundled up and dried out. .i'm hangin myself out to dry sick of all the lies i will never again fly. .I'm askin for everyone to just leave me alone. .thats the only way to deal with this hurt just plunge a knife into my stilled stone heart and watch as these painful tears roll for you. . because you were there .. with her
It could be imperative and can be relevant for everyone to know that I am experiencing the unknown realms of deep depression. Yeaa. Bring on the Icecream + Chicken. .but not together *gag*. . Perhaps truthfully, for the first time. Proof?? This was originally 3 pages long. My barriers with trust have drastically altered.
I have also decided that the year 2006 will be my year. I am leaving a town that has inevitably suffocated and imprisoned me and stolen the essence that makes me a woman. . (take that. .how you will.) I fly home for Summer and then I am moving to California. The goal, is to be a singing *Star*, but if not, it will be one helll of an adventure all the same. And I am looking forward to it. If it doesn't work out, hey I will go somewhere else, I don't really care, the point is that Fort McMONEY has gotten me NOWHERE and never will. It hasn't even gotten me MONEY. You should be there for the launch of Lindsey and I's Prostitution program, specifically designed for the money and sex deprived peoples of womankind. Fuck I sound like quite the feminist. No. Linds said "sittin here festering", which is a fucking BRILLIANT term for it, is not healthy.
The reality is that I am in this town for two people and even though they know who they are, and that they mean the world, both beyond and above to me, it's my life + I need OUT. I was never meant to be put on this Earth to be miserable.
I failed Accounting. It came as no great surprise considering the fact that I attended a grand total of three classes, handed in like 2/5 assignments and winged the final - with b/R\\o//K\e/N wings I might add. Therefore, I don't get my Certificate, which also proves a few individuals right. I have learned to accept that. I am NOT a failure, however I am ashamed of only having a Drivers License to my name. We alll seem to be on different paths, different phases of life. I like to look it as the Ladder of Life. Some are one step higher. Others are a little lower down, and it's frustrating. We want everyone to be at the same place, but we're not and it sucks. Welll that is just my opinion.
I am a twenty-year old, cOnFuSeD, LovetOrN, beautiful woman on the wrong path + jumping for the wrong dreams, so it would seem. Welcome to my quarter-life crisis. Give me Blueberry Muffins
As I mentioned earlier, that alll changes this year.
I am going to brutally attack, murder, and KILL the BITCH I work with. Patronizing cow.
Now I realise that many of you may have missed the memo regarding the status of my suffering libido, however YOU NEVER REJECT A WOMAN WHEN SHE IS IN NEED OF SEX, especially when I don't even ask for it alll that often. For fuck's sakes.
That's pretti much alll I am going to say. I hope everyone is okay
Ruthxox
. .xox**I Love you, Cole** Take good care of the other half of me. You are the reason for my being here, you're All I Ever Wanted, there's nothing to fear. This won't EVER change**xox. .