and so it is...
soooo 5 minutes before work, my mom decided to give me a picture of my dad... yep, my real dad... the dad I've never seen before and behold a picture! finally... a picture that was never thought to exist for 20 years and magically appears! a picture that I've wanted my whole life to answer everyone of my questions...
Why does my skin have an olive tone?
my dad
why do I have a big nose?
my dad
why do I have well defined feature with high cheek bones?
my dad
and so it is...
I seriously almost had an anxiety attack going to work. I really don't know how to feel. I'm not upset, shocked, or even happy. just relieved maybe?? I dunno. and why has my mom kept these from me for 20 years?? you wouldn't believe the shitload of stuff my mom has dug out to show me. She has all these journals that she wrote in through the whole affair with my real dad and through the pregnancy. they are really sad. I've just read a little and I really have a different perspective on my mom. all my life i thought she was a homewrecking slut, but now i kinda see things in a different light. it would take to long to explain... but essentially I am thankful to be alive. one entry she said she felt so alone and unloved she though of crashing her car and killing herself and me(inside her belly) so that I wouldn't grow up not knowing my father. seriously... that tears me up. anyway... my life is strange now. i think I might actually be getting close to meeting him... i guess...
anyway... my life is really confusing. there is a lot of other things that me thinking, not to mention school is giving me an ulcer. did i mention that im taking 17 hours now?? i added a night class... Computational chemistry 450. kill me now...
and so it is...
Why does my skin have an olive tone?
my dad
why do I have a big nose?
my dad
why do I have well defined feature with high cheek bones?
my dad
and so it is...
I seriously almost had an anxiety attack going to work. I really don't know how to feel. I'm not upset, shocked, or even happy. just relieved maybe?? I dunno. and why has my mom kept these from me for 20 years?? you wouldn't believe the shitload of stuff my mom has dug out to show me. She has all these journals that she wrote in through the whole affair with my real dad and through the pregnancy. they are really sad. I've just read a little and I really have a different perspective on my mom. all my life i thought she was a homewrecking slut, but now i kinda see things in a different light. it would take to long to explain... but essentially I am thankful to be alive. one entry she said she felt so alone and unloved she though of crashing her car and killing herself and me(inside her belly) so that I wouldn't grow up not knowing my father. seriously... that tears me up. anyway... my life is strange now. i think I might actually be getting close to meeting him... i guess...
anyway... my life is really confusing. there is a lot of other things that me thinking, not to mention school is giving me an ulcer. did i mention that im taking 17 hours now?? i added a night class... Computational chemistry 450. kill me now...
and so it is...