(no subject)
out of complete boredom i read my whole livejournal last night.
through out the entire thing i felt like going back in time and smacking myself.
I realized a few things though.....
i have spent the past four years bitching and moaning about my "terrible" life.
I've made myself look pitiful and dramatic.
In all reality my life isn't the sad sob story i've portrayed it to be.
To tell you the truth, i consider myself to be a happy and content person.
....but no one would know it by reading this thing.
i do have problems.....but everyone does.
I really think i've made a mistake by broadcasting my petty problems on livejournal since things could always be a lot worse.
there are a few things i want to clear up.....(mostly for myself.)
I've made my mom seem like a wicked, evil woman.
she has problems as we all do.....but i truly do love her.
there were so many times that i said i hated her, swore she was insane, and blamed her for a lot of my issues.
Never once did i say anything good about her.
of course we do butt heads but we also get along a lot of the time.
i mean....who am i to critisize her shortcomings when i have myself to think about.
if it wasn't for her i wouldn't have a roof over my head or food in my enormous belly.
so basically i need to shut the fuck up because shes not evil or wicked.
I have been a bitch.
i have been judgemental.
i have put up a huge wall around myself and critisized people i never knew or even tried to know.
i have hurt people with my attitude and harsh words.
i have said the word sorry when i never really meant it.
and for the record......i am sorry now for anyone i hurt or offended along the way.
I threw the words "i love you" around like they were nothing.
It took me a few years and a few relationships to figure out what it really was.
I cared about the people i was with but i can only say i felt true love for one person in my life so far.
weird huh?
I also noticed that i said a few things that were some what rascist.
At the time i didn't realize how i sounded or how it may come across to other people.
In the past year i've been around a wide variety of people and i must say this.
trash is trash no matter what color the person is.
everyone is beautiful one way or another and i should have never categorized certain things by a persons skin color.
the ironic thing is, my son is going to be mixed and i would never ever make him feel like less of a person because his skin is a little darker.
All in all i'm pointing these things out to myself so i can be more aware of the person i am
and....you can only change what you acknowledge.
I used to question.....why do fucked up things always happen to me?
but i figured it out
i put myself in really messed up situations where the outcome is always going to be bad.
so my goal is to do the opposite from now on.
...put myself in good situations and surround myself with positive things so i stop fucking up.
its a simple concept but it took a long time to sink in.
another thing is......sitting around bitching about stuff and feeling sorry for myself has gotten myself no where (obviously) so that has to stop as well.
thats about it
and on a lighter more unusual note.....i crave the smell of soap so i take 2 showers a day and wash my hands all the time.
isn't that crazy?
through out the entire thing i felt like going back in time and smacking myself.
I realized a few things though.....
i have spent the past four years bitching and moaning about my "terrible" life.
I've made myself look pitiful and dramatic.
In all reality my life isn't the sad sob story i've portrayed it to be.
To tell you the truth, i consider myself to be a happy and content person.
....but no one would know it by reading this thing.
i do have problems.....but everyone does.
I really think i've made a mistake by broadcasting my petty problems on livejournal since things could always be a lot worse.
there are a few things i want to clear up.....(mostly for myself.)
I've made my mom seem like a wicked, evil woman.
she has problems as we all do.....but i truly do love her.
there were so many times that i said i hated her, swore she was insane, and blamed her for a lot of my issues.
Never once did i say anything good about her.
of course we do butt heads but we also get along a lot of the time.
i mean....who am i to critisize her shortcomings when i have myself to think about.
if it wasn't for her i wouldn't have a roof over my head or food in my enormous belly.
so basically i need to shut the fuck up because shes not evil or wicked.
I have been a bitch.
i have been judgemental.
i have put up a huge wall around myself and critisized people i never knew or even tried to know.
i have hurt people with my attitude and harsh words.
i have said the word sorry when i never really meant it.
and for the record......i am sorry now for anyone i hurt or offended along the way.
I threw the words "i love you" around like they were nothing.
It took me a few years and a few relationships to figure out what it really was.
I cared about the people i was with but i can only say i felt true love for one person in my life so far.
weird huh?
I also noticed that i said a few things that were some what rascist.
At the time i didn't realize how i sounded or how it may come across to other people.
In the past year i've been around a wide variety of people and i must say this.
trash is trash no matter what color the person is.
everyone is beautiful one way or another and i should have never categorized certain things by a persons skin color.
the ironic thing is, my son is going to be mixed and i would never ever make him feel like less of a person because his skin is a little darker.
All in all i'm pointing these things out to myself so i can be more aware of the person i am
and....you can only change what you acknowledge.
I used to question.....why do fucked up things always happen to me?
but i figured it out
i put myself in really messed up situations where the outcome is always going to be bad.
so my goal is to do the opposite from now on.
...put myself in good situations and surround myself with positive things so i stop fucking up.
its a simple concept but it took a long time to sink in.
another thing is......sitting around bitching about stuff and feeling sorry for myself has gotten myself no where (obviously) so that has to stop as well.
thats about it
and on a lighter more unusual note.....i crave the smell of soap so i take 2 showers a day and wash my hands all the time.
isn't that crazy?