(no subject)
Latley i've had a lot of time to think about things.
For some reason i keep thinking about my past and i'm trying to figure out how i ended up the way i am.
um....it's pretty weird that i'm going to be a mom in a month.
I never in a million years would have thought i would have a baby so early.
....did i mention im having a boy?
my stomach looks like i swallowed a huge ball and feels like a rock.
and i basically eat everything i see and never feel full.
Looking back i suppose i would have done things ALOT differently.
...i would have stayed away from all guys, went to college right after high school, kept my job......
I'm trying to figure out if things really do happen for a reason.
If thats true then why does fucked up shit always happen to me?
am i supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from all of this?
i dont get it.
i mean, at this point i have nothing to look forward to.
except for my child.....but even that has its set backs.
i'll be a single mother and everyone knows the stereo types that come with that.
My sister is fucking my "babys daddy" (i hate that term haha) and has turned into white trash.
I feel like i lost my best friend but she obviously doesn't feel the same.
My mom is an alcoholic and stays gone a lot and when she is around she's in her own little world.
.....did i mention when i was 5 months pregnant she pushed me out of my own car in a drunken rage?
i love my family but things are messed up right now.
i feel kinda isolated and alone.
boo hoo.
and i guess because of those things.....im moving down to north carolina as soon as i save some money.
my cousin wants to get an apartment with me and its sounding more and more tempting.
hmmm
annnnywaysssssss.
today i was reading an old boyfriends journal.
it was sooooo weird.
It made me smile tho.....because i know that at one point (even tho i was a teenager) i loved someone who truely loved me back.
who knows if i'll ever find that again.....but its good to know i felt it at all.
thats about it.