crashing
I feel sick to my stomach right now. At 17, I left my house to go to college. Since then I have been home several times. And within a few hours of coming home, I’ve always wished I were gone again. Not because I didn’t want to be home, but because I loved so much all the newness I was experiencing. Last Saturday I came home. And the idea of going back makes me physically sick. My heart could very well shut down from all that I have put it through. People are always asking if you have regrets. I regret the last year of my life. As a whole if I were given the option, I wouldn’t do it over. This one year has taken several off my life. I would be willing to state that as a medical fact. My metal state is beyond unstable and health is right there with it. I’m edgy, I’m cranky, and though I haven’t cried since I’ve been home… I know that as soon as I drive into Morgantown it will all come flooding back to me. I don’t want to go back and when weighting the pros and cons, I’m not sure I should go back. Getting your masters is supposed to be an accomplishment not a miracle. I feel broken as a person. In the last week I have had to tell myself soo many times that I am so lucky for the things I have in my life. I have food, and shelter, and people who care about me. You realize things are bad when you have to tell yourself that you have the bare necessities. This year broke my spirit. I so much needed a break, but I wonder if it’s the worst thing that could have happened. I wonder if it would have been better to try to keep getting through for a few more weeks or if tempting me with normalcy this past week was the worst idea possible.
The last two summers I spent at summer camp. And it was soooo hard. It was so hard to live in a secluded area. There were no phones, no TVs, no way to reach the outside world. The people who ran the camp weren’t the nicest people I had ever faced in my life and I spent 6 days a week, 24 hours a day with 8-10 ten-year olds. For 9 weeks I lived like that, and somehow I feel like Morgantown is worse. Have you ever had something bad happen and it overshadows all the good that you could have ever thought of. I think a lot of marriages end like this. The bad just overshadows the good and then the whole experience is tainted. And the good just seems to slip away even though you try to hold onto it. I’m having that problem with my life in general. There is so much bad in it that I’m having trouble holding on to the good parts. I just feel like I’m sinking farther and farther away too. I’m 22 and I feel consumed with bad feelings right now. The whole year has been a battle. And after 9 months of fighting, its hard to keep going on. I feel physically sick a lot of the times these days. And I can’t talk to most of the kids in my program because mentioning school makes it worse. This year has been the longest worst nightmare of my life and all I want is to wake up now. There is so much going on making me feel this way and yet nothing to be said about it. Telling people about what’s going on doesn’t make it better. I just don’t know…
The last two summers I spent at summer camp. And it was soooo hard. It was so hard to live in a secluded area. There were no phones, no TVs, no way to reach the outside world. The people who ran the camp weren’t the nicest people I had ever faced in my life and I spent 6 days a week, 24 hours a day with 8-10 ten-year olds. For 9 weeks I lived like that, and somehow I feel like Morgantown is worse. Have you ever had something bad happen and it overshadows all the good that you could have ever thought of. I think a lot of marriages end like this. The bad just overshadows the good and then the whole experience is tainted. And the good just seems to slip away even though you try to hold onto it. I’m having that problem with my life in general. There is so much bad in it that I’m having trouble holding on to the good parts. I just feel like I’m sinking farther and farther away too. I’m 22 and I feel consumed with bad feelings right now. The whole year has been a battle. And after 9 months of fighting, its hard to keep going on. I feel physically sick a lot of the times these days. And I can’t talk to most of the kids in my program because mentioning school makes it worse. This year has been the longest worst nightmare of my life and all I want is to wake up now. There is so much going on making me feel this way and yet nothing to be said about it. Telling people about what’s going on doesn’t make it better. I just don’t know…