(no subject)
i keep thinking somethings going wrong. i keep slippin back into my condition. i keep wanting to leave it all behind. i keep wanting to run away.
its all coming back to me. and i dont like it at all.
i want to leave. move to some place where i dont know anybody. want to start fresh.
i feel ugly. no one wants me. you dont want me. not anymore. that is as scary as it could ever get.
death is a constant occuring thought in my mind. not like it will happen by my hands. but i keep thinking i will die. i will die soon. i will die a painful death. a murder. but not by my hands, no. by yours. these thoughts keep running through. no, not running. racing. yeah, racing. that is scary, too. just as scary as you leaving me. you hating me. you killing me.
i do nothing, yet receive so much. its a tragic cycle. a tragic cycle that i can not escape. i cry it off. so often. but as soon as im better it comes back. and then i cry again. its not you, you are doing nothing. its all me. its me and my insanity. yes, i am insane. why else would this be so scary? why else would i feel this way? not a normal person feels like dying, feels like you dont want her anymore. a normal person is not convinced of a premeditated murder by a love so strong. a normal person doesnt pretend to be so happy but in her own darkness is in such a massive pain.
i am naught but a dead soul. i am only here to appear as a mere existence among people who just dont care. they just dont care.
you are the light of my life. without you, i would be in an abyss of darkness...without you, i'd just be a shadow of an occurence in this pitiful existence of mine. yes, pitiful. i am pitiful. pitiful because i feel so low. i am going to go ahead and let you know. im not right. not right in my mind. i am insane. but when im with you. a certain santy comes back. and im happy. only when im with you. and when im alone...oh god, i wish i would just die. die and free you of your burden. i am such a burden. you're convinced its just a feeling, but it is so much more than that. it isnt just some sudden feeling i thought up recently. i have been this way forever. i feel like cutting again. this time even deeper. but i won't do it. because i love you. because you told me not to. im sorry i make you unhappy. im sorry im such a daft person. im sorry im holding you prisoner. when im gone, i hope you will be happy. dont be sad for me my love. i'll be gone and you wont have to be so miserable anymore.
its all coming back to me. and i dont like it at all.
i want to leave. move to some place where i dont know anybody. want to start fresh.
i feel ugly. no one wants me. you dont want me. not anymore. that is as scary as it could ever get.
death is a constant occuring thought in my mind. not like it will happen by my hands. but i keep thinking i will die. i will die soon. i will die a painful death. a murder. but not by my hands, no. by yours. these thoughts keep running through. no, not running. racing. yeah, racing. that is scary, too. just as scary as you leaving me. you hating me. you killing me.
i do nothing, yet receive so much. its a tragic cycle. a tragic cycle that i can not escape. i cry it off. so often. but as soon as im better it comes back. and then i cry again. its not you, you are doing nothing. its all me. its me and my insanity. yes, i am insane. why else would this be so scary? why else would i feel this way? not a normal person feels like dying, feels like you dont want her anymore. a normal person is not convinced of a premeditated murder by a love so strong. a normal person doesnt pretend to be so happy but in her own darkness is in such a massive pain.
i am naught but a dead soul. i am only here to appear as a mere existence among people who just dont care. they just dont care.
you are the light of my life. without you, i would be in an abyss of darkness...without you, i'd just be a shadow of an occurence in this pitiful existence of mine. yes, pitiful. i am pitiful. pitiful because i feel so low. i am going to go ahead and let you know. im not right. not right in my mind. i am insane. but when im with you. a certain santy comes back. and im happy. only when im with you. and when im alone...oh god, i wish i would just die. die and free you of your burden. i am such a burden. you're convinced its just a feeling, but it is so much more than that. it isnt just some sudden feeling i thought up recently. i have been this way forever. i feel like cutting again. this time even deeper. but i won't do it. because i love you. because you told me not to. im sorry i make you unhappy. im sorry im such a daft person. im sorry im holding you prisoner. when im gone, i hope you will be happy. dont be sad for me my love. i'll be gone and you wont have to be so miserable anymore.