Preparations
I realised why in the past weeks whenever I come to the "post an entry" page I would be completely out of words. It's a combination of factors:
I don't have enough time, not to write, but to sit down and think what exactly's on my mind to put them down in words;
I've not been reading, so the command of the language is plummeting at an alarming rate, and the range of the things I can possibly think/talk about is narrowing too, since I'm forgetting the things I used to know and gaining little new;
and I've been, in fact, churning out too many letters to unis/scholarship bodies that whenever I sit in front of the comp and start to type something that set of language comes out as default, leaving me doubtful of the existence of a more candid me and feeling very very empty.
This can't go on? I don't want to go to Cambridge with eloquence of a duck (no offence, ducks) and brain the size of a pea. It's not about the First Class Honours requirement my scholarship provider imposed (which nevertheless is something I am bothered, if not too seriously yet, about), but the quality of experience over at a world class university I've been dreaming of all my life.
These days I've begun to prepare for my departure. Weekends are like shopping days for my mum and I, coz we realised there's so many things that's needed for one's convenience and comfort in living and studying, and there's so many other things that should be changed as I prepare to step into this new phase. I can't help but get invigorated by this process; frankly, doing away with certain things that would remind me of painful past experiences feels damn good.
But that's just physical preparation. It's only the easier part of it?
Last week I attended the pre-departure course with other scholars and felt totally refreshed while getting to know new people of my age! It's quite different from knowing new people much older than I am during my attachment - it's much easier to gauge where I am and know what to expect out of both myself and others? I get the feeling one tends to swing to extremes of overworking or totally underperforming while working with people much older, probably coz one can't really gauge to which level one should perform and the older, regular staff had no idea too which level of performance they should expect. Hm. So coz of that I felt really comfortable last week. :) It's also coz the other scholars were really nice people I was happy to get to know! At first I wondered how the get-together with godly smart people would actually turn out, and was semi-sure we would run into awkwardness some time during the course. But no! It seemed everyone's as excited about going overseas for uni and there's much to share - anticipation for the future and fond reminiscence of our past experiences. It's really reassuring to have people going through the same thing as I am together with me (Jingwei! If you happen to read this. :):)). Though I know I should take things upon myself and not be overreliant on the support from others, synergy helps a lot I think!
This gave me the optimism to seriously start preparing myself emotionally for all the changes I will face and their possible impacts on me. I think to ward off the insecurity I should, like Mengy (and I heard Helen too) suggested, start mugging. Hm. Okay that sounded weird enough. I should also start preparing things I want to take along with me and leave behind.
Truthfully, there is a part of me that withdraws itself from all activities related to departure preparation, that wishes I can do something to twist the circumstances in anyway I want (lol I just displayed the epitome of wishful thinking) such that I need not go through the wrestle between head and heart that often leaves me mustering all leftover optimism to smile at a defeated self holding on to a supposedly rational choice. It's quite painful really, especially when everything quietens down at night and I have all the time and silence to myself to attend to this weakest part.
But sometimes - more and more so - when I think about it, strangely, strength, hope and every positive emotion that counts towards my blessings would come to me instead. It can be nice actually, to know that there is a someone across the planet will be connected to me, having me at heart every moment, and I'll be doing the same. Indeed, it can be a strong, reassuring anchor that will give me a irreplacable sense of security - that however far I travel in the day, every night when I come back to it, it will be there.
I don't have enough time, not to write, but to sit down and think what exactly's on my mind to put them down in words;
I've not been reading, so the command of the language is plummeting at an alarming rate, and the range of the things I can possibly think/talk about is narrowing too, since I'm forgetting the things I used to know and gaining little new;
and I've been, in fact, churning out too many letters to unis/scholarship bodies that whenever I sit in front of the comp and start to type something that set of language comes out as default, leaving me doubtful of the existence of a more candid me and feeling very very empty.
This can't go on? I don't want to go to Cambridge with eloquence of a duck (no offence, ducks) and brain the size of a pea. It's not about the First Class Honours requirement my scholarship provider imposed (which nevertheless is something I am bothered, if not too seriously yet, about), but the quality of experience over at a world class university I've been dreaming of all my life.
These days I've begun to prepare for my departure. Weekends are like shopping days for my mum and I, coz we realised there's so many things that's needed for one's convenience and comfort in living and studying, and there's so many other things that should be changed as I prepare to step into this new phase. I can't help but get invigorated by this process; frankly, doing away with certain things that would remind me of painful past experiences feels damn good.
But that's just physical preparation. It's only the easier part of it?
Last week I attended the pre-departure course with other scholars and felt totally refreshed while getting to know new people of my age! It's quite different from knowing new people much older than I am during my attachment - it's much easier to gauge where I am and know what to expect out of both myself and others? I get the feeling one tends to swing to extremes of overworking or totally underperforming while working with people much older, probably coz one can't really gauge to which level one should perform and the older, regular staff had no idea too which level of performance they should expect. Hm. So coz of that I felt really comfortable last week. :) It's also coz the other scholars were really nice people I was happy to get to know! At first I wondered how the get-together with godly smart people would actually turn out, and was semi-sure we would run into awkwardness some time during the course. But no! It seemed everyone's as excited about going overseas for uni and there's much to share - anticipation for the future and fond reminiscence of our past experiences. It's really reassuring to have people going through the same thing as I am together with me (Jingwei! If you happen to read this. :):)). Though I know I should take things upon myself and not be overreliant on the support from others, synergy helps a lot I think!
This gave me the optimism to seriously start preparing myself emotionally for all the changes I will face and their possible impacts on me. I think to ward off the insecurity I should, like Mengy (and I heard Helen too) suggested, start mugging. Hm. Okay that sounded weird enough. I should also start preparing things I want to take along with me and leave behind.
Truthfully, there is a part of me that withdraws itself from all activities related to departure preparation, that wishes I can do something to twist the circumstances in anyway I want (lol I just displayed the epitome of wishful thinking) such that I need not go through the wrestle between head and heart that often leaves me mustering all leftover optimism to smile at a defeated self holding on to a supposedly rational choice. It's quite painful really, especially when everything quietens down at night and I have all the time and silence to myself to attend to this weakest part.
But sometimes - more and more so - when I think about it, strangely, strength, hope and every positive emotion that counts towards my blessings would come to me instead. It can be nice actually, to know that there is a someone across the planet will be connected to me, having me at heart every moment, and I'll be doing the same. Indeed, it can be a strong, reassuring anchor that will give me a irreplacable sense of security - that however far I travel in the day, every night when I come back to it, it will be there.