I Don't Care but I Do.
I don't care. Not about you. Not about your problems. Not about your goals. Not about what you think I ought to be doing. And barely about myself past basic functions (bathe, babysit/raise my sibs, study my bible literature, eat, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat...) I don't care...
I just got yelled at by my big sister once again for not caring enough about my household responsibilities and for continuing the cycle of mediocrity in our family, for screwing everyone out of a lasting change. That I'm doing nothing but hurting myself and my siblings under me with my attitude towards my household interactions and responsibilities.
And she's right! I'm not going to sit here and lie about it to make myself look better! There's no point! At the beginning and the end of the day, I don't give a damn and I will make sure that my words or my actions reflect that. Mainly, my actions. After all, they do speak louder then words after all. Besides, every time I speak I'm told to SHUT UP or CALM MY ASS DOWN anyway. The only way I have to express my views is by "half assed" acts of domestic responsibility. Fine. Whatever. Calm down... yeah, right!
How can I be calm when my younger siblings are degenerating into JONAS/Miley brats and not listening to me anyway? How can I calm down when I have to hear harping about every little step I do inside and outside the house? How can I remain calm when I'm always sick, always stressed, and never happy for more than a few minutes every couple of weeks?
It's like what I explained to my therapist months ago. I am indifferent, I am pissed off, or I am sad 90% of the time. When joy does come I throw myself into it wholeheartedly so that I may use the good memories to tune out the bad. The indifference helps too. It gives me focus and it keeps me from breaking down when someone takes the time to try and "fix" me by yelling about everything that I do wrong like now...
I do care when you yell at me. I do care when you're angry at me. I do care when you're proud of me. I do care when you're pleased with me. But I don't care enough. There's the key word. Enough. I care about my faith, I care about my family, my grades, and my personal pursuits. But, there's always something missing, a last step that I'm not taking from either not knowing about it or...here it comes... not caring about it.
She said that I needed to Yield. Well, damn it, I've been yielding! I've been yielding for years but there comes a time when yielding means breaking and I will not do that! I've been broken before and it was the most frightening, most painful time in my life. I don't want to go back into that dark place and if that means that I have to seem like a stubborn, shooting myself in the foot bitch all of the time, then so be it.
I just got yelled at by my big sister once again for not caring enough about my household responsibilities and for continuing the cycle of mediocrity in our family, for screwing everyone out of a lasting change. That I'm doing nothing but hurting myself and my siblings under me with my attitude towards my household interactions and responsibilities.
And she's right! I'm not going to sit here and lie about it to make myself look better! There's no point! At the beginning and the end of the day, I don't give a damn and I will make sure that my words or my actions reflect that. Mainly, my actions. After all, they do speak louder then words after all. Besides, every time I speak I'm told to SHUT UP or CALM MY ASS DOWN anyway. The only way I have to express my views is by "half assed" acts of domestic responsibility. Fine. Whatever. Calm down... yeah, right!
How can I be calm when my younger siblings are degenerating into JONAS/Miley brats and not listening to me anyway? How can I calm down when I have to hear harping about every little step I do inside and outside the house? How can I remain calm when I'm always sick, always stressed, and never happy for more than a few minutes every couple of weeks?
It's like what I explained to my therapist months ago. I am indifferent, I am pissed off, or I am sad 90% of the time. When joy does come I throw myself into it wholeheartedly so that I may use the good memories to tune out the bad. The indifference helps too. It gives me focus and it keeps me from breaking down when someone takes the time to try and "fix" me by yelling about everything that I do wrong like now...
I do care when you yell at me. I do care when you're angry at me. I do care when you're proud of me. I do care when you're pleased with me. But I don't care enough. There's the key word. Enough. I care about my faith, I care about my family, my grades, and my personal pursuits. But, there's always something missing, a last step that I'm not taking from either not knowing about it or...here it comes... not caring about it.
She said that I needed to Yield. Well, damn it, I've been yielding! I've been yielding for years but there comes a time when yielding means breaking and I will not do that! I've been broken before and it was the most frightening, most painful time in my life. I don't want to go back into that dark place and if that means that I have to seem like a stubborn, shooting myself in the foot bitch all of the time, then so be it.