Back To Mars: Unfinished Business
Settling into him was the easy part. Floating around the days with him was comfortable. No knowing, no pain. Caring about our pleasures was all that we needed to survive. Interesting...thats why we blind ourselves, and settle for it. Never wanting to raise the stakes, but no matter what you do, pleasure will excuse itself without your permission. Mark...Mark...Mark...what were you thinking? It was easy for him to tell where i stood, and he had to know that I didnt have the slightest clue what he truly wanted from me. Intents and be complicated to see, and simple is sweet. So i was sweet..and he started to become fierce. Almighty and powerful. Ruling over his flock, and shep erring me. He started to piss me off, i wasnt good enough for him at one point...so he kept persisting me to change. He told me how to dress, and made me feel bad if i wasnt appropriate. He took me to Canada, and i was so miserable, because he dressed me up like his pet. I was forgiving though, and let it slip away...and he probably knew he could get away with it, why else do you say! Thats the truth.
Here's the real...i met him one sneaky night at Neighbors...we were both drunk...started to sleep together, became causal. After that it became fun, and we started to party heavily together. Glass, E, G..Oh My! Dirty sex that became rough and wild...loveless to say. It never phased me at the time that he was miserable not having a job, and attending bars on a regular basis. It took me even longer to realize that he always seemed to have to drink when i was around. His compliments is what refreshed everything though...and attention GOT LOST IN BEAUTY. Its distracting, but you only wish to follow it...no harm, done.
Secretly at first, i didnt want to tell my friends, for some reason, i knew i was ashamed...because it didnt seem right. I sugar code alot to protect and serve...i dont see wrong in that. But this is about being real to myself...its easy to imagine how you felt, and why...but its different to look on it and say what you know to be true. Because it isnt pretty! Your choice Chris...i dont want to hurt anybody. Whats more important to you, that you speak truthfully to yourself...or protect other's feelings? Theres a way you can do both...and so i continue, because i know for sure.
And so here i was...dancing away with my love, my life became sheltered in his decisions. He longed for more, and i longed for right. Nightly conversations on the phone, which use to have great admiration...became nightly lectures about my friends, "and how they werent". He was only trying to place me with help, but i only grew stubborn, and resentment towards him. Sometimes he would just feel more like a parent, then a bf...a familiar feeling i always knew to be true with the older...but also attracting me to their answers. Conflicted between my needs and my wants...i didnt even know they existed then. Struggling is only seeking knowledge of who you are...so thats why i stayed with him for 9 months, i needed him to put me together.
Scared of him when we went out into public, because he shifted into something new. I know longer knew who he was...because he had to present himself to others who could give him respect. And thats what i should be giving him, instead. But harm has been done...free it. Let him know the truth, theres beauty in that. Fine. It hurt when we were around his friends, i became a joke, a toy to be tossed. They only reminded me of how far below i was...when i compared his true conversation with his friends, to our personal ones, in the privacy of his home. Who was he? He was playing with the big boys, and i had to stay on the porch. Although he did try to include me into conversations...but i felt so small, i couldnt make a move. Am i just bitter? your getting wiser.
Holidays became useless and cheap...we never really had to make much of an effort for each other.
I went to a psychic for my birthday, a treat from my parents. And she became the first adult i had told about Mark. I remember he was persistantly curious to what she though about "us". And i told him the truth, without know what it meant..."she thought you were a wolf in sheeps clothing". He asked me if i believed that...and i didnt know how to understand full concept of thoughts. "of course not", speaking from the heart.
After our speedy trip of 5 months...things began to slow down, almost dragging our feet into the sand. We began to question the relationship...and took space. I had to ask myself..."if im in love, why am i feeling guilty for it". WAKE UP CALL...thats what guilt is i believe...just helps you see the truth. Hey Chris...i know you want to be in love, but when your feeling this way, your not...Dr. Guilty speaks to me. But INTERFERRING DENIAL steps up to the plate and knocks the diagnosis out of the field. Im in love god damn it! Do you really have to fight that hard? Chris...you dont even have to question it...thats real and true....hahahaha.
He started to worry about me, he said i had a problem with smoking weed...it was about the time he pushed me back to my friends. So, i took the care of them instead, since he did want me to give them up...def. a fall back. And with my friends...it was about the time when WEED BECAME FAMOUS. Smoking it made me cute, and silly...and i loved laughing. Also it appeared to expand my form of thinking, i could start learning for myself...still unaware what to do in the moment, it helped guide me at least. Weed, my friends, were now my problems that he infaced me with...and i didnt know what to trust, for some reason i knew everything to be bad examples...and chose to keep everything how it was...there really wasnt anything as better in my world. Its is what it is...was more my quote. He would still take me to parties though, huge parties...parties that i would always dreamed about attending, but became resentful towards then after they came true...it wasnt what i expected. The older the people were, the crueler it felt. Begging Mark to stay at home became just another guilt trip...compromising became, giving in...i couldnt win, i just felt bad. But then he called me cute, and everything magically turned happy again....he knew i lived in paradise and thats how he kept me.
"THE POOL PARTY"
Everyone who was everyone, was there. People's names i knew, but didnt even know mine. High school all over, i felt like a stupid boy in a world i would never fit in. Terrifed, i asked for shorts to wear, since this party was lost in the dates...i forgot my trunks at home. He made me wear a speedo, in front of everyone...and i was miserable...handed me a drink and sent me on my way. I got DRUNK...SO DRUNK...i finally found a nice little group...that stood there and analyzed me for the better...and thats where i chilled the entire night. Mark would check on me...and seemed pleased that i became acceptable. They started to brag about me, and the whole night was LOST IN BEAUTY. Drinking is was made us closer...thats where we found our common ground.
7 Months in Mars
I became stronger, the more i realized who he was. I figured out what was wrong, and attacked him when threats emerged. Comfortable had a whole new name. "Hello Chris, your so comfortable to the point now that you dont have to take his crap, because you know that he doesnt take yours....IM MR. JUSTIVE, and im here for YOUR serving". HOW DARE HE....i now see his threats and i dwell in them...jumping to conclusions i dont know fiction to non-fiction...but bravely proceed. He chose a mess, so he gets a mess. Breaking up was easy to do...saying good bye was better then saying sorry. Hanging up the phone was a previlgde, first come first serve..."You asshole"..."click".
Heres a whole new level for you...and he realized it, and tried to maintain it. Freedom spoke so good, even when i felt guilty...IM FREE...JUST BE ME. He called it quits and so did I...and tried to stick by me...but i wouldnt allow it. NO MORE HELP. ITS OVER!!!!
8 Months, we had been together for 8 months, why did i give up? How can i just give up on a person after 8 months of something that i can only remember as great. Unware at the time that i wasnt remembering him, only the affections of "to cuddle", "to live with another", "To dream together"...obviously, things that were lost in conflict, but always cherished in hopes that there is a brighter future. AND thats what drived you back to the broken. Where is the boundary lines to chance...my goodness. Sometimes it works itself out, other times it complicates itself to harm you. In our case...it only made matters worse...but we continued our ritual...breaking up for a week and getting back together...
9 Months...Fighting and breathing together became our words, traced with out jealous bitter love...which tied us together. Finally we had decided to make the best agreement for ourselves...and dropped a "parmentatly" infront of "over". It seems to work.
Its not over yet...i was out to prove something! We had ended and we had rest apart for serveral months. After awhile, missing him was sweet. And we began chatting online. He still had the title of being my longest relationship. What drives us back? Desperation...dont give in to what makes you suffer! I see...because its not true nor is it right...but only wrong. You gotta love explaining these concepts to yourself. And then writing out it to show that you understand it. Its fun, which equals crazy, which equals liberating. YAY! Wild child.
Anywho...I pretended as if i rapidly grew up for him...because i secretly missed him. He had strung my heart out...it could bare no more...nothing hurts more then a broken heart...sadly there is no medicine to rightfully cure its pain. But there is always the wild illusion of drugs. And thats where i waited for him, i hid in a world, standing alone until he came back to me as i expected him to. Cause life is always changing, and if he saw that grown up boy who had fianlly reached a man...then of course Chris...he will becoming back for you, so just smoke your weed and have fun.
He never came.
Im going to call it quits here...ill have more to spill...im hungary
Here's the real...i met him one sneaky night at Neighbors...we were both drunk...started to sleep together, became causal. After that it became fun, and we started to party heavily together. Glass, E, G..Oh My! Dirty sex that became rough and wild...loveless to say. It never phased me at the time that he was miserable not having a job, and attending bars on a regular basis. It took me even longer to realize that he always seemed to have to drink when i was around. His compliments is what refreshed everything though...and attention GOT LOST IN BEAUTY. Its distracting, but you only wish to follow it...no harm, done.
Secretly at first, i didnt want to tell my friends, for some reason, i knew i was ashamed...because it didnt seem right. I sugar code alot to protect and serve...i dont see wrong in that. But this is about being real to myself...its easy to imagine how you felt, and why...but its different to look on it and say what you know to be true. Because it isnt pretty! Your choice Chris...i dont want to hurt anybody. Whats more important to you, that you speak truthfully to yourself...or protect other's feelings? Theres a way you can do both...and so i continue, because i know for sure.
And so here i was...dancing away with my love, my life became sheltered in his decisions. He longed for more, and i longed for right. Nightly conversations on the phone, which use to have great admiration...became nightly lectures about my friends, "and how they werent". He was only trying to place me with help, but i only grew stubborn, and resentment towards him. Sometimes he would just feel more like a parent, then a bf...a familiar feeling i always knew to be true with the older...but also attracting me to their answers. Conflicted between my needs and my wants...i didnt even know they existed then. Struggling is only seeking knowledge of who you are...so thats why i stayed with him for 9 months, i needed him to put me together.
Scared of him when we went out into public, because he shifted into something new. I know longer knew who he was...because he had to present himself to others who could give him respect. And thats what i should be giving him, instead. But harm has been done...free it. Let him know the truth, theres beauty in that. Fine. It hurt when we were around his friends, i became a joke, a toy to be tossed. They only reminded me of how far below i was...when i compared his true conversation with his friends, to our personal ones, in the privacy of his home. Who was he? He was playing with the big boys, and i had to stay on the porch. Although he did try to include me into conversations...but i felt so small, i couldnt make a move. Am i just bitter? your getting wiser.
Holidays became useless and cheap...we never really had to make much of an effort for each other.
I went to a psychic for my birthday, a treat from my parents. And she became the first adult i had told about Mark. I remember he was persistantly curious to what she though about "us". And i told him the truth, without know what it meant..."she thought you were a wolf in sheeps clothing". He asked me if i believed that...and i didnt know how to understand full concept of thoughts. "of course not", speaking from the heart.
After our speedy trip of 5 months...things began to slow down, almost dragging our feet into the sand. We began to question the relationship...and took space. I had to ask myself..."if im in love, why am i feeling guilty for it". WAKE UP CALL...thats what guilt is i believe...just helps you see the truth. Hey Chris...i know you want to be in love, but when your feeling this way, your not...Dr. Guilty speaks to me. But INTERFERRING DENIAL steps up to the plate and knocks the diagnosis out of the field. Im in love god damn it! Do you really have to fight that hard? Chris...you dont even have to question it...thats real and true....hahahaha.
He started to worry about me, he said i had a problem with smoking weed...it was about the time he pushed me back to my friends. So, i took the care of them instead, since he did want me to give them up...def. a fall back. And with my friends...it was about the time when WEED BECAME FAMOUS. Smoking it made me cute, and silly...and i loved laughing. Also it appeared to expand my form of thinking, i could start learning for myself...still unaware what to do in the moment, it helped guide me at least. Weed, my friends, were now my problems that he infaced me with...and i didnt know what to trust, for some reason i knew everything to be bad examples...and chose to keep everything how it was...there really wasnt anything as better in my world. Its is what it is...was more my quote. He would still take me to parties though, huge parties...parties that i would always dreamed about attending, but became resentful towards then after they came true...it wasnt what i expected. The older the people were, the crueler it felt. Begging Mark to stay at home became just another guilt trip...compromising became, giving in...i couldnt win, i just felt bad. But then he called me cute, and everything magically turned happy again....he knew i lived in paradise and thats how he kept me.
"THE POOL PARTY"
Everyone who was everyone, was there. People's names i knew, but didnt even know mine. High school all over, i felt like a stupid boy in a world i would never fit in. Terrifed, i asked for shorts to wear, since this party was lost in the dates...i forgot my trunks at home. He made me wear a speedo, in front of everyone...and i was miserable...handed me a drink and sent me on my way. I got DRUNK...SO DRUNK...i finally found a nice little group...that stood there and analyzed me for the better...and thats where i chilled the entire night. Mark would check on me...and seemed pleased that i became acceptable. They started to brag about me, and the whole night was LOST IN BEAUTY. Drinking is was made us closer...thats where we found our common ground.
7 Months in Mars
I became stronger, the more i realized who he was. I figured out what was wrong, and attacked him when threats emerged. Comfortable had a whole new name. "Hello Chris, your so comfortable to the point now that you dont have to take his crap, because you know that he doesnt take yours....IM MR. JUSTIVE, and im here for YOUR serving". HOW DARE HE....i now see his threats and i dwell in them...jumping to conclusions i dont know fiction to non-fiction...but bravely proceed. He chose a mess, so he gets a mess. Breaking up was easy to do...saying good bye was better then saying sorry. Hanging up the phone was a previlgde, first come first serve..."You asshole"..."click".
Heres a whole new level for you...and he realized it, and tried to maintain it. Freedom spoke so good, even when i felt guilty...IM FREE...JUST BE ME. He called it quits and so did I...and tried to stick by me...but i wouldnt allow it. NO MORE HELP. ITS OVER!!!!
8 Months, we had been together for 8 months, why did i give up? How can i just give up on a person after 8 months of something that i can only remember as great. Unware at the time that i wasnt remembering him, only the affections of "to cuddle", "to live with another", "To dream together"...obviously, things that were lost in conflict, but always cherished in hopes that there is a brighter future. AND thats what drived you back to the broken. Where is the boundary lines to chance...my goodness. Sometimes it works itself out, other times it complicates itself to harm you. In our case...it only made matters worse...but we continued our ritual...breaking up for a week and getting back together...
9 Months...Fighting and breathing together became our words, traced with out jealous bitter love...which tied us together. Finally we had decided to make the best agreement for ourselves...and dropped a "parmentatly" infront of "over". It seems to work.
Its not over yet...i was out to prove something! We had ended and we had rest apart for serveral months. After awhile, missing him was sweet. And we began chatting online. He still had the title of being my longest relationship. What drives us back? Desperation...dont give in to what makes you suffer! I see...because its not true nor is it right...but only wrong. You gotta love explaining these concepts to yourself. And then writing out it to show that you understand it. Its fun, which equals crazy, which equals liberating. YAY! Wild child.
Anywho...I pretended as if i rapidly grew up for him...because i secretly missed him. He had strung my heart out...it could bare no more...nothing hurts more then a broken heart...sadly there is no medicine to rightfully cure its pain. But there is always the wild illusion of drugs. And thats where i waited for him, i hid in a world, standing alone until he came back to me as i expected him to. Cause life is always changing, and if he saw that grown up boy who had fianlly reached a man...then of course Chris...he will becoming back for you, so just smoke your weed and have fun.
He never came.
Im going to call it quits here...ill have more to spill...im hungary