((OOC: Private entry))
I made Lady Sanae a lovely birthday gift. At first, I was going to buy her something, but then I changed my mind because she's been going through so much lately, coming and going from Budehuc every so often for family matters and such. I twined all sorts of wildflowers around a wreath I put together from branches-it will look very lovely hanging over her door. I was even going to add in extra orange flowers...but orange is not Lady Sanae's favorite color, and it would be selfish of me to add more.
I think I've grown somewhat clingy lately. I do love hugs, but there is a difference between being clingy and generously distributing hugs. I gave Koichi a hug yesterday, but I didn't want to let go even after he started to get impatient. Father warned me when I was younger and clung to his leg that public displays of affection are not wrong, but if done excessively it makes you appear weak.
Perhaps it has to do with all the strange things happening. When was the last time I gave Lady Queen a hug? I don't even remember. What if I am never able to give her one again? Or what about Sir Nash? Even though there was that tremendously awkward moment in the tavern a while ago, that was Juan's fault, not his, and now I may not be able to ever give him a hug again either.
When I look back on my last memories of my father, I cannot even remember if I gave him a hug when he left in the morning. I want to make every hug I give now mean something because it might be my last time hugging that person. Thinking about it frightens me.
I have also been thinking about my discussion with Sir Stallion the other day. Was my self-esteem once really so low? Even now I often have to check myself because I bow when I don't need to bow and such. I cannot continue to doubt myself, not when so many other people depend on me!! And if I am deluding myself, and no one truly depends on me or the guards, then I must at least have faith in myself for myself.
I will be seventeen soon. Becoming an adult does not seem so far away now as it has before. When I am an adult next year, people will listen to all the important things I have to say, and they will respect the guards of Budehuc. Part of me does not want to grow up though. Sir Stallion was right in agreeing with me...sometimes it is easier to pretend to not understand. But I will not be able to get away with that little trick when I get older. People will surely see through it eventually. ...And sometimes I really don't understand. Most of the time, actually. It's just that when I do understand, it makes more sense to pretend otherwise, and I feel that all the things I don't understand are the things I should understand.
I wish Thomas were not so busy. I miss him. Will we still have a festival? I want to take him with me to the festival very much, and if not to the festival, than at least somewhere far away from his work. But everything around Budehuc seems to be a constant reminder, and I don't know how I can make him forget, even if only for a little while. He has worked enough for the rest of the year, so far as I am concerned, and if he feels the same, then I would not feel so guilty for wanting to take him away from all his work.
But does he?