((OOC: These are rather addictive...))
And she rambles on and on...
[A trail of tiny flowers drawn in orange ink spread the top margin of the page, but break off in the middle, as if the train of thought had shifted to something else]
Orange flowers are terribly nice to look at, but even if I had a field to fall asleep in, I do not think I would feel much better.
I think I am starting to understand why everyone was so upset with me last year when I extended my post and got sick. I do not know if it is possible to be selfish and selfless at the same time, but I cannot think of any other way to describe it. [Several sentences have been started, but are inked out beyond legibility] After certain events I thought I had forgotten, or at least recovered from, I was having horrible nightmares. Talking with Lady Queen reminded me. Sleeping is not exactly something I look forward to because my mind is always so occupied, but it was dreaded even moreso because of the scary dreams I kept having. When something horrible happens in real life, that particular event can only happen once, but when something horrible happens in a dream, not only does it feel more horrible than the real instance, it is possible to relive it over and over and over...
But that selfish reason was not the only reason why I stayed awake for so long. I wanted to prove myself to everyone, but looking back on it, I was not thinking clearly at all. It was such a scary thing, when Master Thomas decided to leave Budehuc, mostly because I never even imagined something like that ever happening, so to witness it was perhaps the second most awful thing that ever happened to me. I know that makes it sound as though my scope of the world is small-but, of course, it is-yet the only thing I can think of that gave me that same aching feeling was when my father died. So when Master Thomas finally returned, I wanted to make sure he'd never have a reason to leave again, and the only way I could do so was by keeping Budehuc safer than ever before!!
Even though it sounded as though my intentions were good, they were selfish, and I was selfish for believing them. Going without sleep to maintain my 24/7 patrol turned out to be just as unwise as Juan and everyone else warned me. When I had my fever, it was very difficult to distinguish between what was real, and what was not, but now I feel terrible for making people worry about me. Ever since then, I have been taking extra good care to mostly sleep properly, and I never ever forget to eat my vegetables daily.
[a few thoughtful swirly curls of ink circle around before the next paragraph]
But this time I'm not the one who is disregarding personal health! Master Thomas keeps saying he is fine, that I mustn't worry, that everything will work out. But every time I see him, his face looks paler, and he has a far-away and tired look about him. It's terribly frightening...similar to that slow, sinking horror that you feel when you get your ankle tangled in a brambly prickle bush, and it only pulls you in further the more you try to get away. When I was sick, I remember he was there to help me, but I'm not brave enough to save him this time when it matters most. If I do not make up my mind and intervene, I think the brambly prickle bush will swallow me, and it will be too late.
Master Thomas is not the only one who has been concerning me; Eike, who normally looks a bit peaked all the time, looks exceptionally peaked lately. He said he was fasting, but...well, every year around the spring, even through the summer, he seems a little ill, but to fast willingly? Even if it was done in respects to Lady Rekion, I do not understand how that solves anything. Going without sleep for an entire week did not solve anything for me, but I am afraid again to pull myself out of the brambly prickle bush and save Eike too.
Thinking about Lady Rekion and Sir Cray...I do not know what to think, actually. I think this is perhaps a particular brambly prickle bush Sir Cray must untangle himself from, but is it wrong to bring someone back who has already died? Father was not extremely religious, but I know he would not have wanted me to bring him back after he died. Saving him was a different matter, but the brambly prickle bush swallowed me before I could save him, and after that it was too late.
Thinking about Lady Rekion and Sir Cray makes me think about my father, and thinking about my father makes me think about my conversation with Sir Lucas the other day. He was very curious about Bite. I remember when Bite was the largest of our problems, and we would all get upset when he was spotted somewhere. But talking about Bite made me think about Sir Clive, which made me think about my father and I think that all this thinking is causing my mind to run around in circles. He was so much like my father because there was something special about the way he would allow me to ramble on and on forever, appearing as though he was not listening, bored, perhaps, but then say something so small after I finished that assured me that he was most certainly listening to everything I said. Maybe that makes no sense. He would not tolerate anything that is happening right now although I highly doubt using his gun to solve things is the best idea, especially all of my indecisive worrying. I know my father would feel the same.
At least Sir Cray is taking care of himself though. Along with Master Thomas and Eike, I'm worried about Sir Hervey and Luca. Perhaps I am just being silly, but they have been fighting more often lately, and no matter how much I try to stop them, it never works. The other day they both kept fighting and fighting, even though they were badly injured.
Sir Hervey seems like the easiest one to reason with, but even when I try to discourage him it proves useless. Luca says I don't understand. I think I offended him when I said I did not demote him only because he already held the lowest rank. But that is true. Yet I was no better than he was by saying something spiteful like that without thinking first. There are moments when I forget I hate him, but I'm not even sure if hate is accurate because I think that if Miss Yun had been here, everything would have worked out better, and he would never have become a guard, and Sir Hervey would not continue to fight him, and Luca would not tell me I don't understand things I think I should understand, and no one would be hurt.
I think I need to leave my armor with Peggi for its spring cleaning. It makes me feel terribly self-conscious without it, but if I keep putting it off, it will never get cleaned, and I want to lift some weight off me, even if it is literal and not metaphorical. Once I've left my armor with Peggi, I want to go flying with Fubar and Sir Hugo to look for Koichi. I know Luca did not eat him, he could not have eaten him, Koichi wouldn't have allowed him. I just have to look harder, and look at everything from a different perspective, even if that perspective is from a scary height. [the writing becomes squished in a run-on fashion] Then when I find Koichi my armor will be cleaned and adjusted, we can have a festival for spring, Master Thomas will feel better and I will not have to stumble over myself when trying to think of the right things to say, Eike will look less peaked, Sir Hervey will listen to reasoning, somewhere far away Sir Clive will know that I am sorry for upsetting him, Sir Cray will untangle himself from the brambly prickle bush, Sir Hervey will stop fighting with Luca, Luca will stop hurting himself while fighting Sir Hervey, and I will never let myself forget about myself.
[A trail of tiny flowers drawn in orange ink spread the top margin of the page, but break off in the middle, as if the train of thought had shifted to something else]
Orange flowers are terribly nice to look at, but even if I had a field to fall asleep in, I do not think I would feel much better.
I think I am starting to understand why everyone was so upset with me last year when I extended my post and got sick. I do not know if it is possible to be selfish and selfless at the same time, but I cannot think of any other way to describe it. [Several sentences have been started, but are inked out beyond legibility] After certain events I thought I had forgotten, or at least recovered from, I was having horrible nightmares. Talking with Lady Queen reminded me. Sleeping is not exactly something I look forward to because my mind is always so occupied, but it was dreaded even moreso because of the scary dreams I kept having. When something horrible happens in real life, that particular event can only happen once, but when something horrible happens in a dream, not only does it feel more horrible than the real instance, it is possible to relive it over and over and over...
But that selfish reason was not the only reason why I stayed awake for so long. I wanted to prove myself to everyone, but looking back on it, I was not thinking clearly at all. It was such a scary thing, when Master Thomas decided to leave Budehuc, mostly because I never even imagined something like that ever happening, so to witness it was perhaps the second most awful thing that ever happened to me. I know that makes it sound as though my scope of the world is small-but, of course, it is-yet the only thing I can think of that gave me that same aching feeling was when my father died. So when Master Thomas finally returned, I wanted to make sure he'd never have a reason to leave again, and the only way I could do so was by keeping Budehuc safer than ever before!!
Even though it sounded as though my intentions were good, they were selfish, and I was selfish for believing them. Going without sleep to maintain my 24/7 patrol turned out to be just as unwise as Juan and everyone else warned me. When I had my fever, it was very difficult to distinguish between what was real, and what was not, but now I feel terrible for making people worry about me. Ever since then, I have been taking extra good care to mostly sleep properly, and I never ever forget to eat my vegetables daily.
[a few thoughtful swirly curls of ink circle around before the next paragraph]
But this time I'm not the one who is disregarding personal health! Master Thomas keeps saying he is fine, that I mustn't worry, that everything will work out. But every time I see him, his face looks paler, and he has a far-away and tired look about him. It's terribly frightening...similar to that slow, sinking horror that you feel when you get your ankle tangled in a brambly prickle bush, and it only pulls you in further the more you try to get away. When I was sick, I remember he was there to help me, but I'm not brave enough to save him this time when it matters most. If I do not make up my mind and intervene, I think the brambly prickle bush will swallow me, and it will be too late.
Master Thomas is not the only one who has been concerning me; Eike, who normally looks a bit peaked all the time, looks exceptionally peaked lately. He said he was fasting, but...well, every year around the spring, even through the summer, he seems a little ill, but to fast willingly? Even if it was done in respects to Lady Rekion, I do not understand how that solves anything. Going without sleep for an entire week did not solve anything for me, but I am afraid again to pull myself out of the brambly prickle bush and save Eike too.
Thinking about Lady Rekion and Sir Cray...I do not know what to think, actually. I think this is perhaps a particular brambly prickle bush Sir Cray must untangle himself from, but is it wrong to bring someone back who has already died? Father was not extremely religious, but I know he would not have wanted me to bring him back after he died. Saving him was a different matter, but the brambly prickle bush swallowed me before I could save him, and after that it was too late.
Thinking about Lady Rekion and Sir Cray makes me think about my father, and thinking about my father makes me think about my conversation with Sir Lucas the other day. He was very curious about Bite. I remember when Bite was the largest of our problems, and we would all get upset when he was spotted somewhere. But talking about Bite made me think about Sir Clive, which made me think about my father and I think that all this thinking is causing my mind to run around in circles. He was so much like my father because there was something special about the way he would allow me to ramble on and on forever, appearing as though he was not listening, bored, perhaps, but then say something so small after I finished that assured me that he was most certainly listening to everything I said. Maybe that makes no sense. He would not tolerate anything that is happening right now although I highly doubt using his gun to solve things is the best idea, especially all of my indecisive worrying. I know my father would feel the same.
At least Sir Cray is taking care of himself though. Along with Master Thomas and Eike, I'm worried about Sir Hervey and Luca. Perhaps I am just being silly, but they have been fighting more often lately, and no matter how much I try to stop them, it never works. The other day they both kept fighting and fighting, even though they were badly injured.
Sir Hervey seems like the easiest one to reason with, but even when I try to discourage him it proves useless. Luca says I don't understand. I think I offended him when I said I did not demote him only because he already held the lowest rank. But that is true. Yet I was no better than he was by saying something spiteful like that without thinking first. There are moments when I forget I hate him, but I'm not even sure if hate is accurate because I think that if Miss Yun had been here, everything would have worked out better, and he would never have become a guard, and Sir Hervey would not continue to fight him, and Luca would not tell me I don't understand things I think I should understand, and no one would be hurt.
I think I need to leave my armor with Peggi for its spring cleaning. It makes me feel terribly self-conscious without it, but if I keep putting it off, it will never get cleaned, and I want to lift some weight off me, even if it is literal and not metaphorical. Once I've left my armor with Peggi, I want to go flying with Fubar and Sir Hugo to look for Koichi. I know Luca did not eat him, he could not have eaten him, Koichi wouldn't have allowed him. I just have to look harder, and look at everything from a different perspective, even if that perspective is from a scary height. [the writing becomes squished in a run-on fashion] Then when I find Koichi my armor will be cleaned and adjusted, we can have a festival for spring, Master Thomas will feel better and I will not have to stumble over myself when trying to think of the right things to say, Eike will look less peaked, Sir Hervey will listen to reasoning, somewhere far away Sir Clive will know that I am sorry for upsetting him, Sir Cray will untangle himself from the brambly prickle bush, Sir Hervey will stop fighting with Luca, Luca will stop hurting himself while fighting Sir Hervey, and I will never let myself forget about myself.