4am in Skagway..
Bored out of my mind, thinking wayyy too much, updating here for some reason...
I've got to be bipolar, it'd be a perfect explanation. Optimism about changing my ways and not thinking about shit quickly degrades to the same old depression. I don't know why I put stuff like this out in the open, because as soon as someone tries to talk to me about it later, I quickly deny it and say I'm fine.
I think a big part of all my head problems come from loneliness. It was never a problem before I had a real relationship, but as soon as that ended, BAM, I'm messed up. I don't like this fact that I'm so fucked up when I'm single. When I have someone to really care for, who feels the same back, and we're together, I'm happy as can be, just knowing they're there somewhere makes me content. When I'm single, though, I drive myself into the dirt every night. Well, that hadn't really changed when Anna and I were going out, but that's not fair to her; I was already bringing a bunch of shit down upon myself, and we never really had a good chance to get close.
Wow, I hate our society. I seriously think music has a big effect on that, haha. Depending on what kinda music you listen to, you're either told to party constantly and find someone to bang, or to be a little bitch. It's probably not all that good that I think that a song is good only if it strikes up sadness or anger within me. Oh well, it's what I enjoy.
Speaking of music, Tool isn't anything like what I imagined they'd be. I was thinking they were very hardcore rock, but they've really got a unique sound, their song 'Sober' is wonderful. Shinedown is great as well, '.45' is a great depressed song, haha. And I'd forgotten how awesome the Red Hot Chili Peppers were.
Geezmus, 4:30, what the hell am I doing?
I'm sitting here, wallowing in the pools of hate, grief, and anger I produce for myself because I don't let the past go, I exaggerate and invent truths in my head to bring me even further down, and I have no hope for my future. I'm sitting here, going on my 6th straight hour of messing around on the computer, and stinking because of it. I'm sitting here, wishing I could be home. I'm sitting here, wishing I wasn't myself.
For someone who built his reputation and friend base off being a kind, open-minded, person whom everyone could get along with, I've really turned myself into a bitter, hateful guy who accepts nothing but his preferences and whom (despite what they try to say) all his old friends hate.
When I write these sorta things, it really makes me wonder what the heck you people see in me. Sure, I'm smart, hell, I'm really fucking smart. I'm not going to do anything with that, I'm lazy and get too upset when I come across something I don't understand. I guess I can be a real nice, truly caring guy, but that happens less and less often.
Being a braniac really is a curse. Sure, being able to do lots of things quickly is nice, but the average brains hate you for it, and even good friends (well, one in particular) just use you for it and try to deny it later. Plus, it makes your guilt that much worse when you get bad grades and the like.
Why the hell am I bother with this thing? Well, for you.. 3 people that read this?.. bye.
I've got to be bipolar, it'd be a perfect explanation. Optimism about changing my ways and not thinking about shit quickly degrades to the same old depression. I don't know why I put stuff like this out in the open, because as soon as someone tries to talk to me about it later, I quickly deny it and say I'm fine.
I think a big part of all my head problems come from loneliness. It was never a problem before I had a real relationship, but as soon as that ended, BAM, I'm messed up. I don't like this fact that I'm so fucked up when I'm single. When I have someone to really care for, who feels the same back, and we're together, I'm happy as can be, just knowing they're there somewhere makes me content. When I'm single, though, I drive myself into the dirt every night. Well, that hadn't really changed when Anna and I were going out, but that's not fair to her; I was already bringing a bunch of shit down upon myself, and we never really had a good chance to get close.
Wow, I hate our society. I seriously think music has a big effect on that, haha. Depending on what kinda music you listen to, you're either told to party constantly and find someone to bang, or to be a little bitch. It's probably not all that good that I think that a song is good only if it strikes up sadness or anger within me. Oh well, it's what I enjoy.
Speaking of music, Tool isn't anything like what I imagined they'd be. I was thinking they were very hardcore rock, but they've really got a unique sound, their song 'Sober' is wonderful. Shinedown is great as well, '.45' is a great depressed song, haha. And I'd forgotten how awesome the Red Hot Chili Peppers were.
Geezmus, 4:30, what the hell am I doing?
I'm sitting here, wallowing in the pools of hate, grief, and anger I produce for myself because I don't let the past go, I exaggerate and invent truths in my head to bring me even further down, and I have no hope for my future. I'm sitting here, going on my 6th straight hour of messing around on the computer, and stinking because of it. I'm sitting here, wishing I could be home. I'm sitting here, wishing I wasn't myself.
For someone who built his reputation and friend base off being a kind, open-minded, person whom everyone could get along with, I've really turned myself into a bitter, hateful guy who accepts nothing but his preferences and whom (despite what they try to say) all his old friends hate.
When I write these sorta things, it really makes me wonder what the heck you people see in me. Sure, I'm smart, hell, I'm really fucking smart. I'm not going to do anything with that, I'm lazy and get too upset when I come across something I don't understand. I guess I can be a real nice, truly caring guy, but that happens less and less often.
Being a braniac really is a curse. Sure, being able to do lots of things quickly is nice, but the average brains hate you for it, and even good friends (well, one in particular) just use you for it and try to deny it later. Plus, it makes your guilt that much worse when you get bad grades and the like.
Why the hell am I bother with this thing? Well, for you.. 3 people that read this?.. bye.