American Idol: Top 12 Finals
Wasn't bothering with this before the finals cause it's all so willy-nilly with too many people. Yay for the finals though! Or perhaps I should reconsider that statement cause damn. This season.
Favorites before show: Siobhan, Crystal, Casey, Tim's abs (which are better than most of the contestants' voices, certainly including Tim's).
Intro to The Rolling Stones: 'Most iconic'? 'Greatest rock & roll band in the world'? Really? Call me a sillyhead but aren't we forgetting some fly-by-night bands like The Doors? The Beatles? Queen? Really? Ok. Rolling Stones was very good but this "OF ALL TIME" hype is getting tossed around a bit too much for my literal tastes. Shoot me; I'm not a Rolling Stones fan. Well, I like a few of their songs. But they'll never hold a candle to the scary obsession I feel toward the other three I just mentioned.
Anyway! Beware of bias. I've never gotten terribly excited over more than three or four Rolling Stones songs and I doubt this artistic ode/slaughtering will do much to improve my tastes.
MICHAEL:
BEFORE: Aw, that ridiculous man-scarf he's been wearing is the same scarf his wife is wearing in the video. That's almost sweet, if unfortunate for fashion.
DURING: Really cheesy showman antics. I'm just waiting for him to do a 'mrow' growl straight into the camera. But dude can rock the falsetto all right. And he can sing his heart out. Good job. Technically good. I just wasn't entertained and I know the judges are gonna have Michael orgasms which puzzles me. He hasn't made me care once on an emotional level. Great personality though.
JUDGES: Yup, they are all popping Michael Adoration pills. Oh, well. Thank you, Simon, for calling him out on the corny dance moves.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Aaand he walks right up to Simon at the desk. I like Ryan. This drama is a bit too contrived but it is still lolicious. Bring it on.
I just added 'lolicious' to my Firefox dictionary. It's easier that way.
Almost completely unrelated: I love the Kris Allen car commercials. They make me so happy. They accomplish in a commercial what Michael failed to do on stage. Kris isn't even singing (till the last few seconds) and I'm grinning and emotionally involved. I would become this car's groupie. I would.
DIDI:
DURING: I like this. Sorta reaching for haunting but it works. -ish. Ah, now it's gettin kinda boring. I still like her but it just didn't do anything for me. She hasn't really touched me since Hollywood Week's performance of Terrified (flat-out loved that).
JUDGES: Bla bla bla. Kara's right*; she loses her way when she tries to push her voice. Keep focus and keep with it. Simon's comment of 'solid, not brilliant performance' sums it up.
CASEY:
BEFORE: Oh fucking god I thought we were done with Lifetime movies. I don't give a fuck if he was sick at three months. This is lame. On to the singing!
DURING: Oh hey there. I like how he grins when he sings. This is a bit too country for my liking but he's still hot and I always enjoy his singing. Yeah, I liked it last week. I like it every week. He's talented and I love his guitar playing. We might be channeling my inexplicable tendre for guitar-playing rock band guys. My favorite of his is still his Hollywood Week selection of Ray Charles' I Don't Need No Doctor.
JUDGES: Agreed with all, including Simon (he can do more).
LACEY:
DURING: You're a bit flat, dear. Pick it up. I don't like this arrangement, either; it's odd. Not in a good way. I love a good quirky performance. This is not that. It saps all awesome out of the song. I've nothing against her but I'll pass this week. Absolutely nothing special.
JUDGES: Randy proves he is still a moron. Ellen's "it was a tiny bit sleepy" is accurate. "Definitely were some issues," etc. from Kara. (Kara has been right* almost all season. This is a vast reversal from last season.) Simon is correct; overthinking.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Honey, did you know PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS are on a new stage weekly, even daily? Get with it and don't blame your mediocrity on the stage. You're an amateur.
ANDREW:
BEFORE: Bla bla bla sentiment. Bla bla bla janitor. Still waiting for anything half as good as Hollywood Week's Straight Up. Some of you might have been ignorant to the fact that he ever sang Straight Up, since it's never been mentioned since on the show. Well, he frickin sang it and it was beautiful and I keep waiting for that beauty again and I do not see it.
DURING: This is awkward. Not as awkward as last week's involuntary creep factor of "you gotta rub me the right way," but this is not his song. Andrew is a nice guy and he has talent, but I rarely see it utilized on stage. I just. don't. care. No one has made me care yet tonight. This is boring so I am gonna ignore his singing and use up the rest of the Andrew commentary by grumbling briefly about the fact we aren't watching Lilly this week. Fuuuuuuck you, America.
JUDGES: Sometimes Ellen can be too nice.
KATIE:
BEFORE: I need to restrain myself from disliking her on sight just for still being here and remind myself I loved her in the audition/Hollywood stage. We will focus on this former love and try not to be bitter about her still being here after three crap semifinal performances. Because I am a nice person. Well, not to Idol contestants I'm not. Not if they don't keep giving back and earn my continued love. Oh, fuck it. I hate the fact this 17-year-old robot is still here. On with the show.
Honey. You never have to be old with the Rolling Stones. That's half the fucking point of rock & roll as a genre. GO AWAY before my animosity builds to such levels that I only need glare at the screen to throttle you. Wait. Stick around. Let's see that.
I almost feel like I should thank the show for not pimping her Alzheimers-riddled grandmother this week. What does that say about everything ever? God.
DURING: Boring. Do something interesting. *poke* This was a bad song choice. She is making the Rolling Stones into a pageant show performance. MAKE IT STOP.
JUDGES: Gah, I can tell Randy likes it just by the way he says 'yo' at the beginning. Is it scary I can tell his mood by how he says 'yo yo' at the beginning of every damned critique? Yes? Shut up, I consider it a life skill.
Bleh, all the judges like her. Go awaaaaaay.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Reality Show Death to all contestants who broadcast their call number with their fingers. Thank you, I know not to vote #6 already because Ryan said "6" and the screen flashed "6" and I'm not a kindergartener needing further elucidation. You look desperate.
(Casey never does this. That and his constant 'this is bullshit' grin and 'not even gonna pretend' dance moves during the lip-synced group sings add to my Casey appreciation.)
TIM & TIM'S ABS:
BEFORE: I like Tim's family.
DURING: Take control of that waver in your voice and you could use it to your advantage. Right now, it just comes off as nervous. So. Good song choice. I'm ok with the arrangement; I like reggae and it fits for me. And he's got pretty eyes and that already makes him better than Katie. OH GOD TIM stay AWAY from falsetto. Thank goodness it was only one note. I feel like we need to parade every Idol contestant in front of Adam Lambert for a falsetto audition, and he says yea or nay and that is the final word. You either get your falsetto license or you do not. (I am so twittering that shit.)
JUDGES: Ellen, none of them have wowed any of us tonight. Why the hell would you expect Tim Urban be the exception? Genuine talent was not included in his grab bag of life.
Simon. You act as though Under My Thumb were actually a good song in the first place. It is not. It is a misogynistic, patronizing, musically boring song. Let the pretty boy do his reggae.
No one has brought it yet. But guess what?
SIOBHAN IS NEXT GUUUYYYYS OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!111!!
SIOBHAN:
BEFORE: I love this girl. She has wicked natural talent and her House of the Rising Sun was fantastic (the iTunes version is awesome guys). God, she's adorable. I love the comment made on Idolatry a few weeks back about how when she talks, she sounds like she's always high on cough meds. But oh man, when she performs, she transforms.
DURING: OMG Paint It Black. \o/ One of the few Rolling Stones songs I sincerely love. This is AWESOME and she's only three lines in. It is gonna get so much better, I know it. I love how she goes for the notes. Oh damn, she goes flat a bit. But in general this is fucking fantastic. One hour and fifteen minutes in, the show has finally started. And I love her necklace.
JUDGES: Snookie's poof? *googles* Oh.
And all the judges agree with me. Excellent.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: I don't even care she flashed a 'four' twice on her fingers to show she's #8. You see, Katie? That is what happens when you're talented. You get a pass on Reality Show Death out of favoritism.
LEE:
BEFORE: He's sorta charming. Like his attitude. Now if only he could get through a song without going flat, he could have a chance of going far (at least with this group).
DURING: He's doing really damn well. I like this. I like it a lot. Best performance I've seen from him. He has my vote.
JUDGES: Kara's right.**
PAIGE:
BEFORE: I don't care. Go home.
DURING: You're going flat. Go home. Ok, this has moments of good performance but then she gets wavery and flat and did I mention I can't stand her since she claimed her pathetic rendition of Smile was due to nerves from being so Saddy McSadpants over Michael Jackson's death, and that's even before we consider the song was hot long before Michael Jackson was friggin born? I can't stand her. Boo hoo larynghitis (I follow the Idol twitter feed so I gots the infos even before she whines about it as she will inevitably do in a last-ditch effort to save herself, which she probably will because America is stupid).
JUDGES: Simon - "You still yet haven't quite connected." Yup. Go home.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Ok, if that was her first time really through, that wasn't bad. Still not voting for her. And whispering hurts your vocal chords more than talking, dear. Just keep on whispering.
AARON:
BEFORE: Another tyke who shoulda gone home last week. "Being the next American Idol would be a dream come--" Stop right there, darlin. Never gonna happen.
DURING: Goin flat. Dumb song choice. No connection. Way too old a song. "There ain't a woman who comes close to you." Srsmnt? You cannot pull that sucker off, babe. This was weak.
Judges: Randy's a moron***. Ellen lacks taste. Kara's always been dumb. Simon, WHEREFORE ART THOU? I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Did a terrorist replace my reception during the song with this awful teenage mess during the song and the actual Aaron is amazing but could only be seen on stage in person? Is this the work of aliens? In what universe was this anything other than an awful performance?
Thankfully, Crystal's next and I praise the lord she is also the last cause I can't take much more of this crap.
CRYSTAL:
BEFORE: I would really like to hear some of her original songs.
DURING: Solid song pick. And finally, we have a star. At ease on the stage, confident vocals, unique phrasing, distinctive voice, completely authentic. I feel it and I love it.
JUDGES: Look, I know when someone's good you have to expect them to do even better and constructive criticism is part of that. But really, I think they're nitpicking too much in comparison to the tripe we've had on stage tonight--especially considering the effusive praise they gave to Katie and Aaron, neither of whom have a five dollar hooker's chance in a convent of leading the way to glory.
*every time I say Kara is right I flinch.
**I need to stop flinching.
***I'm going to start counting how many times I refer to Randy in a derogatory way during these reviews. This is #3. Buckle your seat belts; it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
I VOTED FOR: CASEY, SIOBHAN, LEE & CRYSTAL.
Favorites before show: Siobhan, Crystal, Casey, Tim's abs (which are better than most of the contestants' voices, certainly including Tim's).
Intro to The Rolling Stones: 'Most iconic'? 'Greatest rock & roll band in the world'? Really? Call me a sillyhead but aren't we forgetting some fly-by-night bands like The Doors? The Beatles? Queen? Really? Ok. Rolling Stones was very good but this "OF ALL TIME" hype is getting tossed around a bit too much for my literal tastes. Shoot me; I'm not a Rolling Stones fan. Well, I like a few of their songs. But they'll never hold a candle to the scary obsession I feel toward the other three I just mentioned.
Anyway! Beware of bias. I've never gotten terribly excited over more than three or four Rolling Stones songs and I doubt this artistic ode/slaughtering will do much to improve my tastes.
MICHAEL:
BEFORE: Aw, that ridiculous man-scarf he's been wearing is the same scarf his wife is wearing in the video. That's almost sweet, if unfortunate for fashion.
DURING: Really cheesy showman antics. I'm just waiting for him to do a 'mrow' growl straight into the camera. But dude can rock the falsetto all right. And he can sing his heart out. Good job. Technically good. I just wasn't entertained and I know the judges are gonna have Michael orgasms which puzzles me. He hasn't made me care once on an emotional level. Great personality though.
JUDGES: Yup, they are all popping Michael Adoration pills. Oh, well. Thank you, Simon, for calling him out on the corny dance moves.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Aaand he walks right up to Simon at the desk. I like Ryan. This drama is a bit too contrived but it is still lolicious. Bring it on.
I just added 'lolicious' to my Firefox dictionary. It's easier that way.
Almost completely unrelated: I love the Kris Allen car commercials. They make me so happy. They accomplish in a commercial what Michael failed to do on stage. Kris isn't even singing (till the last few seconds) and I'm grinning and emotionally involved. I would become this car's groupie. I would.
DIDI:
DURING: I like this. Sorta reaching for haunting but it works. -ish. Ah, now it's gettin kinda boring. I still like her but it just didn't do anything for me. She hasn't really touched me since Hollywood Week's performance of Terrified (flat-out loved that).
JUDGES: Bla bla bla. Kara's right*; she loses her way when she tries to push her voice. Keep focus and keep with it. Simon's comment of 'solid, not brilliant performance' sums it up.
CASEY:
BEFORE: Oh fucking god I thought we were done with Lifetime movies. I don't give a fuck if he was sick at three months. This is lame. On to the singing!
DURING: Oh hey there. I like how he grins when he sings. This is a bit too country for my liking but he's still hot and I always enjoy his singing. Yeah, I liked it last week. I like it every week. He's talented and I love his guitar playing. We might be channeling my inexplicable tendre for guitar-playing rock band guys. My favorite of his is still his Hollywood Week selection of Ray Charles' I Don't Need No Doctor.
JUDGES: Agreed with all, including Simon (he can do more).
LACEY:
DURING: You're a bit flat, dear. Pick it up. I don't like this arrangement, either; it's odd. Not in a good way. I love a good quirky performance. This is not that. It saps all awesome out of the song. I've nothing against her but I'll pass this week. Absolutely nothing special.
JUDGES: Randy proves he is still a moron. Ellen's "it was a tiny bit sleepy" is accurate. "Definitely were some issues," etc. from Kara. (Kara has been right* almost all season. This is a vast reversal from last season.) Simon is correct; overthinking.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Honey, did you know PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS are on a new stage weekly, even daily? Get with it and don't blame your mediocrity on the stage. You're an amateur.
ANDREW:
BEFORE: Bla bla bla sentiment. Bla bla bla janitor. Still waiting for anything half as good as Hollywood Week's Straight Up. Some of you might have been ignorant to the fact that he ever sang Straight Up, since it's never been mentioned since on the show. Well, he frickin sang it and it was beautiful and I keep waiting for that beauty again and I do not see it.
DURING: This is awkward. Not as awkward as last week's involuntary creep factor of "you gotta rub me the right way," but this is not his song. Andrew is a nice guy and he has talent, but I rarely see it utilized on stage. I just. don't. care. No one has made me care yet tonight. This is boring so I am gonna ignore his singing and use up the rest of the Andrew commentary by grumbling briefly about the fact we aren't watching Lilly this week. Fuuuuuuck you, America.
JUDGES: Sometimes Ellen can be too nice.
KATIE:
BEFORE: I need to restrain myself from disliking her on sight just for still being here and remind myself I loved her in the audition/Hollywood stage. We will focus on this former love and try not to be bitter about her still being here after three crap semifinal performances. Because I am a nice person. Well, not to Idol contestants I'm not. Not if they don't keep giving back and earn my continued love. Oh, fuck it. I hate the fact this 17-year-old robot is still here. On with the show.
Honey. You never have to be old with the Rolling Stones. That's half the fucking point of rock & roll as a genre. GO AWAY before my animosity builds to such levels that I only need glare at the screen to throttle you. Wait. Stick around. Let's see that.
I almost feel like I should thank the show for not pimping her Alzheimers-riddled grandmother this week. What does that say about everything ever? God.
DURING: Boring. Do something interesting. *poke* This was a bad song choice. She is making the Rolling Stones into a pageant show performance. MAKE IT STOP.
JUDGES: Gah, I can tell Randy likes it just by the way he says 'yo' at the beginning. Is it scary I can tell his mood by how he says 'yo yo' at the beginning of every damned critique? Yes? Shut up, I consider it a life skill.
Bleh, all the judges like her. Go awaaaaaay.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Reality Show Death to all contestants who broadcast their call number with their fingers. Thank you, I know not to vote #6 already because Ryan said "6" and the screen flashed "6" and I'm not a kindergartener needing further elucidation. You look desperate.
(Casey never does this. That and his constant 'this is bullshit' grin and 'not even gonna pretend' dance moves during the lip-synced group sings add to my Casey appreciation.)
TIM & TIM'S ABS:
BEFORE: I like Tim's family.
DURING: Take control of that waver in your voice and you could use it to your advantage. Right now, it just comes off as nervous. So. Good song choice. I'm ok with the arrangement; I like reggae and it fits for me. And he's got pretty eyes and that already makes him better than Katie. OH GOD TIM stay AWAY from falsetto. Thank goodness it was only one note. I feel like we need to parade every Idol contestant in front of Adam Lambert for a falsetto audition, and he says yea or nay and that is the final word. You either get your falsetto license or you do not. (I am so twittering that shit.)
JUDGES: Ellen, none of them have wowed any of us tonight. Why the hell would you expect Tim Urban be the exception? Genuine talent was not included in his grab bag of life.
Simon. You act as though Under My Thumb were actually a good song in the first place. It is not. It is a misogynistic, patronizing, musically boring song. Let the pretty boy do his reggae.
No one has brought it yet. But guess what?
SIOBHAN IS NEXT GUUUYYYYS OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!111!!
SIOBHAN:
BEFORE: I love this girl. She has wicked natural talent and her House of the Rising Sun was fantastic (the iTunes version is awesome guys). God, she's adorable. I love the comment made on Idolatry a few weeks back about how when she talks, she sounds like she's always high on cough meds. But oh man, when she performs, she transforms.
DURING: OMG Paint It Black. \o/ One of the few Rolling Stones songs I sincerely love. This is AWESOME and she's only three lines in. It is gonna get so much better, I know it. I love how she goes for the notes. Oh damn, she goes flat a bit. But in general this is fucking fantastic. One hour and fifteen minutes in, the show has finally started. And I love her necklace.
JUDGES: Snookie's poof? *googles* Oh.
And all the judges agree with me. Excellent.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: I don't even care she flashed a 'four' twice on her fingers to show she's #8. You see, Katie? That is what happens when you're talented. You get a pass on Reality Show Death out of favoritism.
LEE:
BEFORE: He's sorta charming. Like his attitude. Now if only he could get through a song without going flat, he could have a chance of going far (at least with this group).
DURING: He's doing really damn well. I like this. I like it a lot. Best performance I've seen from him. He has my vote.
JUDGES: Kara's right.**
PAIGE:
BEFORE: I don't care. Go home.
DURING: You're going flat. Go home. Ok, this has moments of good performance but then she gets wavery and flat and did I mention I can't stand her since she claimed her pathetic rendition of Smile was due to nerves from being so Saddy McSadpants over Michael Jackson's death, and that's even before we consider the song was hot long before Michael Jackson was friggin born? I can't stand her. Boo hoo larynghitis (I follow the Idol twitter feed so I gots the infos even before she whines about it as she will inevitably do in a last-ditch effort to save herself, which she probably will because America is stupid).
JUDGES: Simon - "You still yet haven't quite connected." Yup. Go home.
RYAN TÊTE-À-TÊTE: Ok, if that was her first time really through, that wasn't bad. Still not voting for her. And whispering hurts your vocal chords more than talking, dear. Just keep on whispering.
AARON:
BEFORE: Another tyke who shoulda gone home last week. "Being the next American Idol would be a dream come--" Stop right there, darlin. Never gonna happen.
DURING: Goin flat. Dumb song choice. No connection. Way too old a song. "There ain't a woman who comes close to you." Srsmnt? You cannot pull that sucker off, babe. This was weak.
Judges: Randy's a moron***. Ellen lacks taste. Kara's always been dumb. Simon, WHEREFORE ART THOU? I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Did a terrorist replace my reception during the song with this awful teenage mess during the song and the actual Aaron is amazing but could only be seen on stage in person? Is this the work of aliens? In what universe was this anything other than an awful performance?
Thankfully, Crystal's next and I praise the lord she is also the last cause I can't take much more of this crap.
CRYSTAL:
BEFORE: I would really like to hear some of her original songs.
DURING: Solid song pick. And finally, we have a star. At ease on the stage, confident vocals, unique phrasing, distinctive voice, completely authentic. I feel it and I love it.
JUDGES: Look, I know when someone's good you have to expect them to do even better and constructive criticism is part of that. But really, I think they're nitpicking too much in comparison to the tripe we've had on stage tonight--especially considering the effusive praise they gave to Katie and Aaron, neither of whom have a five dollar hooker's chance in a convent of leading the way to glory.
*every time I say Kara is right I flinch.
**I need to stop flinching.
***I'm going to start counting how many times I refer to Randy in a derogatory way during these reviews. This is #3. Buckle your seat belts; it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
I VOTED FOR: CASEY, SIOBHAN, LEE & CRYSTAL.