(no subject)
i just want to say i'm not feeling good about a lot lately. i can't put my finger on what's wrong, but things have been really crazy. i've thought several times in the past week or so that i wanted to kill myself, and it keeps being little things in my way that stop me from doing it. i don't think i'll actually do it, but it's hard and the thought keeps pushing its way back.
i've been getting in fights with doug all the time, and i'm starting to scare myself 'cause i go way overboard and have nearly hurt him very badly on a couple occasions. i'm afraid i am getting out of control and if i don't do something about it i am going to do something serious that i can't make right again.
everything seems pointless, i can't do anything to help myself or anyone else, and i seem to only cause pain. i don't think necesarily that people are better off without me, just that they wouldn't really be affected either way. and doug...i could seriously hurt him. i don't know what is going wrong, but i know that i don't trust myself anymore. at all.
i don't know what to do. i need help, i know that. but i don't know what kind or where to get it. and everything hurts, all the time, and i just want to stop it all sometimes. i mean, there are some great, happy things too, and i'm sure it is worth it, but there are so many times when i am sad and i can't remember the good. i don't know what's causing it, it's hard...
i don't know really what i wanted here, or why i'm saying all this. just to vent i guess. i needed to say what i was feeling somewhere. it will probably be posted on my website too, considering this is what that page is for, but i needed to sort things out before it got put up there and i just rambled...actually, it's still not straightened out enough in my head. guess i've got some thinking to do.
well, i'll be back later. good night.
=- -=
i've been getting in fights with doug all the time, and i'm starting to scare myself 'cause i go way overboard and have nearly hurt him very badly on a couple occasions. i'm afraid i am getting out of control and if i don't do something about it i am going to do something serious that i can't make right again.
everything seems pointless, i can't do anything to help myself or anyone else, and i seem to only cause pain. i don't think necesarily that people are better off without me, just that they wouldn't really be affected either way. and doug...i could seriously hurt him. i don't know what is going wrong, but i know that i don't trust myself anymore. at all.
i don't know what to do. i need help, i know that. but i don't know what kind or where to get it. and everything hurts, all the time, and i just want to stop it all sometimes. i mean, there are some great, happy things too, and i'm sure it is worth it, but there are so many times when i am sad and i can't remember the good. i don't know what's causing it, it's hard...
i don't know really what i wanted here, or why i'm saying all this. just to vent i guess. i needed to say what i was feeling somewhere. it will probably be posted on my website too, considering this is what that page is for, but i needed to sort things out before it got put up there and i just rambled...actually, it's still not straightened out enough in my head. guess i've got some thinking to do.
well, i'll be back later. good night.
=- -=