An overdue post
It is common to start a long overdue post with a comment saying it was long overdue, so there you go. Now I have to get some things off of my mind that have been bugging me and they'll provide insight into who I am.
I am not perfect.
I am a man that tends to panic when people I care about get too close because I'm afraid they're going to leave me, or abandon me, much like my father did when I was young. This panic makes me insecure and questioning until the time comes when things are in place and somewhat permanent/official. This has caused me to say really stupid things when trying to have a relationship with people, but especially with women I'm interested in. It is not an excuse, it is simply a truth that I've observed in myself and it is something that I'm desperately trying to resolve. I had a real strong grasp on it until recently when my life got overly stressful and my defenses crumbled. I said some things that I shouldn't have said and now the person that I care about the most in this world is angry at me, which she has every right to be. I hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive me, as it was not a personal attack on her, rather a stupid projection of my own insecurity on this person.
I am flawed.
I do everything in my power to keep my insecurities to myself as I don't think others need to be bothered with them. This has worked out quite well for me throughout my life, but those defenses always seem to fall at the worst possible moments. I always seem to hurt those I care about when I do lose control and that is something I truly regret. It is never intentionally done but it is always brought about when I'm overly stressed out. It's like this awful self feeding monster that escapes its cage and it takes a couple of days to subdue and put back in to place. Once it is contained I feel guilty and that definitely doesn't help things. I often assume guilt for things that I was not involved in and it builds up to the point where I often wonder about my self worth. I don't let this overwhelm me, as I try to take the guilt from those I care about so they don't have to deal with it. This is also not exactly healthy, but I would do anything, ANYTHING, for those I care about to save them pain. Unfortunately this also can lead to me causing pain. It's a double edged sword, but one I happily wield.
I am human.
Being human is full of ups and downs. We are creatures that are the embodiment of chaos on this planet. We have a complex series of emotions and feelings that sometimes we have no control over. I often let stress, especially work related stress, build up to the breaking point, like most humans do, and then I crack. I'm at that point right now and I have a perfectly timed vacation coming up at the end of this week that will go a long way to relieve that stress. It's caused by my job being particularly shitty right now with the boss deciding she wants to micromanage every fucking thing I do. I HATE being micromanaged because it shows a lack of faith in my skills and abilities. I would think that after two years in my position I have demonstrated enough competence to be able to do my own thing. Apparently not. That is incredibly frustrating to me, but there is nothing I can do about it, so it builds up a reserve of stress. This coupled with the insecurity I've been struck with and the possible panic attack I had about 3 weeks ago (due to stress) I am not me at the moment. I am coming out of this shadowed time though.
I love as intensely as I live my life.
If I am in love with someone, which I am right now, I will do whatever I can do in my power to make them happy. Even when I'm being a tool, which I have been the last couple of days, I still try to make them happy. If I say i don't think I'm good enough for you, it's because I want you to have the life you desire, one which I cannot provide at the moment. It doesn't mean that I don't want to try, because I do more than anything else in the world, but I would be understanding if you did not. Hell, at this point if you never talk to me again I will totally understand, but it will not change the way I feel about you. I know we've had a couple of rough spots, and we haven't even been a "couple" yet, but I fix these things as they occur and they will not happen again. I am able to correct my mistakes and keep myself in check. It's part of the learning process and self-growth that I've been focused on for the last few years. To be honest, everything that I've done to make myself a better person has been for you. The gym, the self-growth, the introspection, and all of it was to become the man I believe you deserve. I know that's something that might be hard to take, but as I've said to you before, you have some sort of power over me that I cannot explain. I don't consider it a bad thing, but it might scare you. I don't know because you aren't talking to me, and rightfully so.
I am strong.
I am giving.
I am human.
Yours,
Mike
I am not perfect.
I am a man that tends to panic when people I care about get too close because I'm afraid they're going to leave me, or abandon me, much like my father did when I was young. This panic makes me insecure and questioning until the time comes when things are in place and somewhat permanent/official. This has caused me to say really stupid things when trying to have a relationship with people, but especially with women I'm interested in. It is not an excuse, it is simply a truth that I've observed in myself and it is something that I'm desperately trying to resolve. I had a real strong grasp on it until recently when my life got overly stressful and my defenses crumbled. I said some things that I shouldn't have said and now the person that I care about the most in this world is angry at me, which she has every right to be. I hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive me, as it was not a personal attack on her, rather a stupid projection of my own insecurity on this person.
I am flawed.
I do everything in my power to keep my insecurities to myself as I don't think others need to be bothered with them. This has worked out quite well for me throughout my life, but those defenses always seem to fall at the worst possible moments. I always seem to hurt those I care about when I do lose control and that is something I truly regret. It is never intentionally done but it is always brought about when I'm overly stressed out. It's like this awful self feeding monster that escapes its cage and it takes a couple of days to subdue and put back in to place. Once it is contained I feel guilty and that definitely doesn't help things. I often assume guilt for things that I was not involved in and it builds up to the point where I often wonder about my self worth. I don't let this overwhelm me, as I try to take the guilt from those I care about so they don't have to deal with it. This is also not exactly healthy, but I would do anything, ANYTHING, for those I care about to save them pain. Unfortunately this also can lead to me causing pain. It's a double edged sword, but one I happily wield.
I am human.
Being human is full of ups and downs. We are creatures that are the embodiment of chaos on this planet. We have a complex series of emotions and feelings that sometimes we have no control over. I often let stress, especially work related stress, build up to the breaking point, like most humans do, and then I crack. I'm at that point right now and I have a perfectly timed vacation coming up at the end of this week that will go a long way to relieve that stress. It's caused by my job being particularly shitty right now with the boss deciding she wants to micromanage every fucking thing I do. I HATE being micromanaged because it shows a lack of faith in my skills and abilities. I would think that after two years in my position I have demonstrated enough competence to be able to do my own thing. Apparently not. That is incredibly frustrating to me, but there is nothing I can do about it, so it builds up a reserve of stress. This coupled with the insecurity I've been struck with and the possible panic attack I had about 3 weeks ago (due to stress) I am not me at the moment. I am coming out of this shadowed time though.
I love as intensely as I live my life.
If I am in love with someone, which I am right now, I will do whatever I can do in my power to make them happy. Even when I'm being a tool, which I have been the last couple of days, I still try to make them happy. If I say i don't think I'm good enough for you, it's because I want you to have the life you desire, one which I cannot provide at the moment. It doesn't mean that I don't want to try, because I do more than anything else in the world, but I would be understanding if you did not. Hell, at this point if you never talk to me again I will totally understand, but it will not change the way I feel about you. I know we've had a couple of rough spots, and we haven't even been a "couple" yet, but I fix these things as they occur and they will not happen again. I am able to correct my mistakes and keep myself in check. It's part of the learning process and self-growth that I've been focused on for the last few years. To be honest, everything that I've done to make myself a better person has been for you. The gym, the self-growth, the introspection, and all of it was to become the man I believe you deserve. I know that's something that might be hard to take, but as I've said to you before, you have some sort of power over me that I cannot explain. I don't consider it a bad thing, but it might scare you. I don't know because you aren't talking to me, and rightfully so.
I am strong.
I am giving.
I am human.
Yours,
Mike