(no subject)
Ohhh boy this weekend’s gonna suck emotionally.
I’m really trying to be less selfish. I’m trying to change. But at the same time it’s really hard to just change, so I’m doing it by using somewhere to splurge where I know someone may see it but I’m not shoving it in their face.
The first way I’m trying to be less selfish is not telling my best friend that I cut last saturday. It was a really bad day for her and when she told me she wanted to cut again I was so flustered, trying to stop her. Luckily, she didn’t. But it made me WANT to. So I did. And it was easier than before and more satisfying. I wasn’t sad… I just wanted to. I still haven’t told her. But I don’t want to because she’s trying to improve and recover and if I’m being unselfish I just have to support her and tell her she’d doing great and refrain from saying, “Well good, cause when you even considering cutting, I do too, and I have less self control.” It sounds threatening, and then she might not tell me when she’s feeling that way. I don’t want to have a negative impact because if she knows when I’m hurting, she’ll feel bad about talking to me because she knows I have my own problems. But I don’t let my problems control me for too long.
Unfortunately I’m not feeling to good tonight, which means it’s going to be a bad night. And possibly weekend.
is cutting on remembrance day symbolic?
I just remembered… I think my grandpa died today 4 years ago.
oh.
Well anyway that friend is off to Korea, soonest is February. She’s doing it because it’s her love and passion but also because she wants to move on because she feels everyone else is moving on while she isn’t. I think it’s a great thing to move towards. But now… I’m going to stay here. She feels bad about leaving her friends behind, and really, truly I am excited for her and it’s amazing but I guarantee I’m going to cry at some point because I’ll miss her so much. And here I’ll be, still in school, not sure what the hell I’m doing once I graduate. I’ll go visit Korea and Japan, sure, if my mom allows it. If I have money. But what about schooling? I’ll have to do it in Vancouver. Can I afford that? Can I actually move to Vancouver and live there for 4 years? Is Asian Studies enough? Will I actually get a job for teaching English in Korea? Is it possible for me? I’m simply a nobody, I’m not worth any of this. I don’t deserve any of it. I feel so unprepared. I haven’t even applied for Uni and I haven’t gotten any volunteer hours to use for a scholarship. Oh God I think this 7 grand one needs my hours by november. I’m screwed.
I’m not ready to live life. It’s too sudden.
Can i just crawl into a ball on my bed and live how I am now forever? And I’ll just die off from hunger on the street or something.
It is indeed going to be a very bad night.
I’m really trying to be less selfish. I’m trying to change. But at the same time it’s really hard to just change, so I’m doing it by using somewhere to splurge where I know someone may see it but I’m not shoving it in their face.
The first way I’m trying to be less selfish is not telling my best friend that I cut last saturday. It was a really bad day for her and when she told me she wanted to cut again I was so flustered, trying to stop her. Luckily, she didn’t. But it made me WANT to. So I did. And it was easier than before and more satisfying. I wasn’t sad… I just wanted to. I still haven’t told her. But I don’t want to because she’s trying to improve and recover and if I’m being unselfish I just have to support her and tell her she’d doing great and refrain from saying, “Well good, cause when you even considering cutting, I do too, and I have less self control.” It sounds threatening, and then she might not tell me when she’s feeling that way. I don’t want to have a negative impact because if she knows when I’m hurting, she’ll feel bad about talking to me because she knows I have my own problems. But I don’t let my problems control me for too long.
Unfortunately I’m not feeling to good tonight, which means it’s going to be a bad night. And possibly weekend.
is cutting on remembrance day symbolic?
I just remembered… I think my grandpa died today 4 years ago.
oh.
Well anyway that friend is off to Korea, soonest is February. She’s doing it because it’s her love and passion but also because she wants to move on because she feels everyone else is moving on while she isn’t. I think it’s a great thing to move towards. But now… I’m going to stay here. She feels bad about leaving her friends behind, and really, truly I am excited for her and it’s amazing but I guarantee I’m going to cry at some point because I’ll miss her so much. And here I’ll be, still in school, not sure what the hell I’m doing once I graduate. I’ll go visit Korea and Japan, sure, if my mom allows it. If I have money. But what about schooling? I’ll have to do it in Vancouver. Can I afford that? Can I actually move to Vancouver and live there for 4 years? Is Asian Studies enough? Will I actually get a job for teaching English in Korea? Is it possible for me? I’m simply a nobody, I’m not worth any of this. I don’t deserve any of it. I feel so unprepared. I haven’t even applied for Uni and I haven’t gotten any volunteer hours to use for a scholarship. Oh God I think this 7 grand one needs my hours by november. I’m screwed.
I’m not ready to live life. It’s too sudden.
Can i just crawl into a ball on my bed and live how I am now forever? And I’ll just die off from hunger on the street or something.
It is indeed going to be a very bad night.