Remember - Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
Tango lay beside her as she slept, his elbow propping him up. He had held her until she fell asleep, refusing to sleep himself. She lay on her stomach, her arms folded against her chest and as he watched her, her words echoed in his mind.
“When getting high meant swinging on the playground? When tripping was falling down a hill? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from guys were cooties. Remember when Dad's shoulders were the highest place on Earth? The only time he would tell you he didn't want to see you was when you were playing hide and seek? Remember the only things that hurt you were skinned knees? And goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? Do you remember? Because I don’t…No. No, I don’t remember. Not like before. I’m forgetting…I don’t want to forget, Dave. Please…don’t let me forget…"
She was hurting, clearly, but maybe more than she let on. Something big had happened at one point in her life, he knew this. What it was, he didn’t know, but something had cut her childhood short, forcing her to accept a life that was too unstable for her to control. Sighing, he kissed the back of her shoulder and climbed out of bed. He frowned as she instant curled into a ball, hugging the blankets to her. He crouched down beside the bed and brushed some hair out of her face before cupping the side of her face and rubbing his thumb over her tear-stained cheek.
“What happened, Matti?” He whispered.
Standing up, he quietly walked out of the room and down the hall to his bedroom. Grabbing his cell phone off his night stand, he searched his contacts for Jay’s number. He was about to hit the call button when he realized it was 6am. Deciding against it, he sent a quick text asking him to call him as soon as he could and put his phone in his pocket.
As the sun rose up, Tango wandered into the kitchen in search of food. Finding a box of pancake mix, he heated up a pan as he made the mix. When the pancakes were finished, he set the plate in the middle of the table and grabbed two more plates, two cups, two forks and two butter knives, placing those on the table as well. Going to the fridge, he pulled out the maple syrup, butter, milk and orange juice, then walked back to the table. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was a little past seven. Walking down the hallway towards Matti’s room, he peaked his head in. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, a hand on either side of her and her head down. Walking in, he sat beside her and placed a hand on her back, rubbing it gently.
“You alright?” She nodded her head, her eyes closed. “Come on,” he said, standing up and taking her hand. “you haven’t eaten in days.” he said, walking her towards the kitchen and sitting her down at the table before sitting down. “I hope you like pancakes.”
*********
Waking up the first thing I notice is that I’m alone. The second is the smell of pancakes. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. It’s been months since I’ve smelled something so sweet. I push the blankets off and hang my legs over the edge of the bed. Standing up, I instantly sit back down as everything starts to spin. I close my eyes, trying to force it away. I hear footsteps walking down the hall before they stop in front of my doorway and then continue towards me. There’s a dip in the bed beside me and I feel a hand rubbing my back.
“You alright?” Tango asks.
With him rubbing my back, my dizziness begins to fade and I nod my head. He stops rubbing and I can’t help but feel an ache for him to continue his gesture. Suddenly he takes my hand, but I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t quite hear what he says so I follow him into the hallway and to the kitchen in silence. We sit at the table and he smiles at me and says something. It sounds like I’m underwater again, so I just force a smile. A take a deep breath as my dizziness returns and I close my eyes. I hear muffled talking that sounds like my name and then a hand on my shoulder.
I open my eyes and look at Tango. “Hmm?” It’s all I can muster and I can see the concern on his face. My hearing slowly comes back and I clear my throat. “Sorry. What?”
“Do you want to go back to your room? I can bring you some breakfast.”
I shake my head and sit up a bit in my seat. “No. No, I’m fine.” I say, my voice barely a whisper.
“Are you sure?” he asks, his hand still resting on my shoulder. I nod and force a smile. He doesn’t seem to believe me, but he leans back into his chair and uses his fork to put a pancake onto my plate. “It’s been days since you ate.” He puts a second pancake on my plate. “Eat.” He says before he fills his plate and spreads some butter and syrup onto his pancakes.
I don’t want to eat. I know it will just come back up. I notice him still watching me so I begin to spread some butter and syrup on my pancakes as well. We eat in silence for a few minutes before I put my fork down and hold my hands in my lap. I can feel his eyes on me as I stare at my half empty plate.
“No good?” he asks, taking another bite of his pancakes.
I shake my head lightly. “They’re good…” He takes a sip of milk and continues to watch me. “I…I’m sorry about last night.”
He sets his milk down and sighs. “You don’t need to say you’re sorry. I know you’re going through a lot right now.” I continue to stare at my plate and he leans forward in his chair. Reaching over, he takes one of my hands in his and squeezes it gently. “Look at me.” After a moment I look up from my plate, afraid to show him the tears that always seem to be threatening to fall now. Starring me in the eyes, he squeezes my hand lightly again. “I’m serious. You don’t need to apologize.” He suddenly pulls his phone out with his other hand and it vibrates a few times before it begins to ring. “Finish eating.” he says before standing up and walking into the other room.
*******
“Hey, thanks for calling me, Jay.” Tango said, making sure he was out of hear shot from Matti.
“How’s Matti? Is everything okay?”
“I’m not sure. She had some sort of breakdown last night.” Tango said, keeping his voice quiet.
“What do you mean? What happened?”
“She was getting sick again, and I went to check on her and she was crying. She was locked in the bathroom for over 2 hours just crying. After I got in and calmed her down she was really…out of it. She was talking about all these things that are never going to be the same and how she’s forgetting about everything and that she doesn’t want to forget…” Tango trailed off. The other end of the phone was quiet, in which he only heard the older man sigh. “Jay, what happened?”
“What do you mean?”
Tango sighed. “Something must have happened, Jay. Something cut her childhood short and she can’t handle it. Is there anything that comes to mind?”
******
Tango watched Matti from the doorway as she sat on the window sill in her room, her knees pulled to her chest. He felt sick after his conversation with Jay. When he asked what happened, he wasn't prepared for what he was told. Running his hands over his face, he wandered into the living room, collapsing onto the couch. He knew he couldn’t change what happened, and he may not be able to make everything better, but he could try. And that was exactly what he was going to do.