gilbert gotfried
i was gonna dismiss the black eyed peas, because i guess they always kinda annoyed me, but they're sampling all this tribe called quest, and that's the stuff taught me how. so i'm just kinda in a good mood, chillin listening to jams, i did a little work, bought a bed, it gets delivered on saturday so i dunno what i'll do for the two other days. i've slept on floors before. just me and all the stuff i've been given on tour, all the paintings, clothes, cd's. and a bed. it'll need a lot of work but i have a few days to have fun. thanks to government my money gets a big bite right around this time, so i can't go hog wild. the good news i have a crazy long tour. and at the end i'll have a bunch of dough, so i can buy furniture all christmas. not much, cuz i may not stay, but enough so that i don't hang my head when i walk through the door. i'm psyched.
tonight is the big cmj thing, i'm supposed to make jokes in front of all these industry people for free. so i just had fun writing last night and wrote a little bit on each band. i just let my mind go like it does on stage and just kinda wander. then i realized that the bands go on in the opposite order, so all the call back humor wouldn't work. i'll just post it here, because there were lots of parts of it that i like. i've decided to start writing out the jokes more often, just like a blue print for the stage. you may not find this is funny at all because it's more like notes for improv with a few fuckins thrown in. and no i was not stoned. this is how i think. my monologues tonight will be nothing like this. maybe.
i'll be happy to do my show after all this mc stuff. they make me used to do this kinda stuff when i was seven years old in church.
idlewild: from anne of green gables, from edinburgh, long ass bio, romans couldn't conquer scotlland, you know why? because they have so much tape. and glue. scotch glue isn't very big. unless you make scotch glue meth, then it's huge, but only in tennessee. and the shipping and handling on that is a bitch. so they just get like pills and shit and melt that into, more pills? what the hell is meth. they've had their own parliament for only eight years. before that england was running the show. and that's always good. trust the british. a british smile looks like a bunch of tombstones after an earthquake, like window shutters on the poltergeist house. like my groupies in lancaster. i still made out with them. sucked the yellow right off their teeth. uk teeth humor that's new. i'm a total pioneer yeah baby. this is where they deep fry mars bars in egg batter. that sounds so fuckin american. except we'd call it a sinner, crank call it in the middle of the night and be like, you're going to hell hell spawn mars bar in fuckin egg batter motherfucker. it was spawned in hell and therefore it must return to which it came from, on. whatever. and they're fryin that shit right next to the haggis. that's extreme. they really clone shit over there too. wonder if dolly's just gonna end up gettin the shit fried out of her right next to a mars bar. i wonder if all the haggis comes from fucked sheep so you've got your fried mars bar with some scottish farmer spooge haggis bit sneakin in there like it knows what's up.
0 Flower of Scotland, When will we see your like again, That fought and died for, Your wee bit Hill and Glen, And stood against him, Proud Edward's Army, And sent him homeward, Tae think again.
stretch armstrong. stretch is down with the kids. but it's kinda unfair that they are because they named themselves after a toy, that kenner put out. i'm gonna put out a band called G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier and see where that takes me. they're from south carolina, first state to secede from the union, they look out for kids, give them all ages shows, stretch arm strong can stretch four times the size of his body, that's fucked up. anybody see fantastic four. isn't jessica alba amazing? i didn't see the movie i heard it was crap so i went to go see the lindsay lohan movie with the ipod car and that guy from outsiders. do you think that jessica alba and lindsay lohan might like say... get kinda mad at eachtoher say during some pillow play, and like one would slap the other they'd totally get hard nipples simultaneously and then they'd just start like makin out right there. on top of all those different colored pillows. and the room would just get filled with butterflies and unicorns and sparkles and shit. and what if this just happened like on the showroom at bed bath and beyond and everybody just kinda started watching it and recording it on all their different devices. and then some really awesome nerd went and got every version off the internet and made this great dvd with multiple angles that you could control with your remote, so you wouldn't have to get up and go to your dvd player. you could sit there and take in a variety of vantage points. it would be like in the matrix. bullet time porn. god. that'd be awesome.
Nightmare of You... there gonna be on fuse this friday. Long Island. Queens where i've been crashing all year is on the western part of long island. i love queens. you see these dudes walkin around, you see this dude in this scary ass black cloak and you think he's like the emperor and he's gonna lightning bolt you but it turns out be a greek orthodox priest. and that's just kinda creepy. and they don't have lightning powers. i don't think. I've never made one really upset, there's the language barrier. speaking of maintaining barriers how about that homeland security? no i don't do political humor, but if i did, i would talk a lot about the homeland security office. like they only got like a couple staplers, and no good snacks. and that one chick that makes everyone cookies is fat, so i'm gonna fuckin take two cookies. fuck her man. yeah homeland security can't stop a fuckin hurricane what's gonna happen when all the fuckin gundams land and turn our country into a fuckin rugby field... for robots. we are not ready! you think gundams can't just shoot wizard of oz tornados out of their fuckin hands. people. we've got to get ready. i nominate me to be stealth bomber gundam pilot. i've been make some doodles in geography because i hate that fuckin class, so i've already done some virtual leg work on the robot designs. yes it can transform into a sub. what do you think i am, retarded? like this battle can't be waged in the depths of the sea. tom ridge can't dive to save his life. is he even the head of homeland security anymore or did they give that to hal and the whopper already. when's the fuckin future gonna happen so i can get me a kickass gundam suit? i am so angry about this.
say anything. did you know ione skye, the daughter of donovan, married a beastie boy, adam horowitz and that author author was based on a play by his dad. donovan, got busted for weed which must've been a bum out trip. he also had sex with over one million women. sounds like a lot but in the sixties people would sometimes have sex over one million times in a day. he's from scotland too. you get all hopped up on one of those deep fried sheep jizz bars and then you just go nuts like it's the mango in that one seinfeld episode. start fuckin everybody. did you know that jerry seinfeld and dustin hoffman are the same guy. and that guy is a vampire? donovan is also immortal. cuz he survived eatin one of them jizz bars. before he fucked all those gundams. on those pillows. bullet time!
thank you and good night.
there's a post on message boards about my crazy late show on thursday/friday morning. peace. brooklyn here i come. xomc
tonight is the big cmj thing, i'm supposed to make jokes in front of all these industry people for free. so i just had fun writing last night and wrote a little bit on each band. i just let my mind go like it does on stage and just kinda wander. then i realized that the bands go on in the opposite order, so all the call back humor wouldn't work. i'll just post it here, because there were lots of parts of it that i like. i've decided to start writing out the jokes more often, just like a blue print for the stage. you may not find this is funny at all because it's more like notes for improv with a few fuckins thrown in. and no i was not stoned. this is how i think. my monologues tonight will be nothing like this. maybe.
i'll be happy to do my show after all this mc stuff. they make me used to do this kinda stuff when i was seven years old in church.
idlewild: from anne of green gables, from edinburgh, long ass bio, romans couldn't conquer scotlland, you know why? because they have so much tape. and glue. scotch glue isn't very big. unless you make scotch glue meth, then it's huge, but only in tennessee. and the shipping and handling on that is a bitch. so they just get like pills and shit and melt that into, more pills? what the hell is meth. they've had their own parliament for only eight years. before that england was running the show. and that's always good. trust the british. a british smile looks like a bunch of tombstones after an earthquake, like window shutters on the poltergeist house. like my groupies in lancaster. i still made out with them. sucked the yellow right off their teeth. uk teeth humor that's new. i'm a total pioneer yeah baby. this is where they deep fry mars bars in egg batter. that sounds so fuckin american. except we'd call it a sinner, crank call it in the middle of the night and be like, you're going to hell hell spawn mars bar in fuckin egg batter motherfucker. it was spawned in hell and therefore it must return to which it came from, on. whatever. and they're fryin that shit right next to the haggis. that's extreme. they really clone shit over there too. wonder if dolly's just gonna end up gettin the shit fried out of her right next to a mars bar. i wonder if all the haggis comes from fucked sheep so you've got your fried mars bar with some scottish farmer spooge haggis bit sneakin in there like it knows what's up.
0 Flower of Scotland, When will we see your like again, That fought and died for, Your wee bit Hill and Glen, And stood against him, Proud Edward's Army, And sent him homeward, Tae think again.
stretch armstrong. stretch is down with the kids. but it's kinda unfair that they are because they named themselves after a toy, that kenner put out. i'm gonna put out a band called G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier and see where that takes me. they're from south carolina, first state to secede from the union, they look out for kids, give them all ages shows, stretch arm strong can stretch four times the size of his body, that's fucked up. anybody see fantastic four. isn't jessica alba amazing? i didn't see the movie i heard it was crap so i went to go see the lindsay lohan movie with the ipod car and that guy from outsiders. do you think that jessica alba and lindsay lohan might like say... get kinda mad at eachtoher say during some pillow play, and like one would slap the other they'd totally get hard nipples simultaneously and then they'd just start like makin out right there. on top of all those different colored pillows. and the room would just get filled with butterflies and unicorns and sparkles and shit. and what if this just happened like on the showroom at bed bath and beyond and everybody just kinda started watching it and recording it on all their different devices. and then some really awesome nerd went and got every version off the internet and made this great dvd with multiple angles that you could control with your remote, so you wouldn't have to get up and go to your dvd player. you could sit there and take in a variety of vantage points. it would be like in the matrix. bullet time porn. god. that'd be awesome.
Nightmare of You... there gonna be on fuse this friday. Long Island. Queens where i've been crashing all year is on the western part of long island. i love queens. you see these dudes walkin around, you see this dude in this scary ass black cloak and you think he's like the emperor and he's gonna lightning bolt you but it turns out be a greek orthodox priest. and that's just kinda creepy. and they don't have lightning powers. i don't think. I've never made one really upset, there's the language barrier. speaking of maintaining barriers how about that homeland security? no i don't do political humor, but if i did, i would talk a lot about the homeland security office. like they only got like a couple staplers, and no good snacks. and that one chick that makes everyone cookies is fat, so i'm gonna fuckin take two cookies. fuck her man. yeah homeland security can't stop a fuckin hurricane what's gonna happen when all the fuckin gundams land and turn our country into a fuckin rugby field... for robots. we are not ready! you think gundams can't just shoot wizard of oz tornados out of their fuckin hands. people. we've got to get ready. i nominate me to be stealth bomber gundam pilot. i've been make some doodles in geography because i hate that fuckin class, so i've already done some virtual leg work on the robot designs. yes it can transform into a sub. what do you think i am, retarded? like this battle can't be waged in the depths of the sea. tom ridge can't dive to save his life. is he even the head of homeland security anymore or did they give that to hal and the whopper already. when's the fuckin future gonna happen so i can get me a kickass gundam suit? i am so angry about this.
say anything. did you know ione skye, the daughter of donovan, married a beastie boy, adam horowitz and that author author was based on a play by his dad. donovan, got busted for weed which must've been a bum out trip. he also had sex with over one million women. sounds like a lot but in the sixties people would sometimes have sex over one million times in a day. he's from scotland too. you get all hopped up on one of those deep fried sheep jizz bars and then you just go nuts like it's the mango in that one seinfeld episode. start fuckin everybody. did you know that jerry seinfeld and dustin hoffman are the same guy. and that guy is a vampire? donovan is also immortal. cuz he survived eatin one of them jizz bars. before he fucked all those gundams. on those pillows. bullet time!
thank you and good night.
there's a post on message boards about my crazy late show on thursday/friday morning. peace. brooklyn here i come. xomc