Help me...
I've come to this sort of crossroads in my life.
I've been so distant and such a terrible friend to most of you that I doubt anyone will really care about me anymore but my brain is going to blow up if I don't say what has been hurting me so much for about all my life.
I feel like I keep changing into different people but I don't like any of them so I retreat back into myself until I become someone else. I do not feel like the person who used to post at the music thread or who used to be obsessed with One Tree Hill or who used to go on AIM and talk with my friends. I don't know what happened to her.
My whole life is a lie and I have a secret that is eating me up inside. How do I accurately describe this? I'm not 100% straight. I've had feelings for women. I dislike most men in pretty much every way. I want more than anything to stop it but it won't go away and it makes me not want to live anymore. I don't define myself as any specific label because...I want to stay in denial land? Maybe...I could be wrong about my feelings and this will just magically go away? I can't even answer any of my own questions.
There are a few people who know about this but mostly I've kept it inside until now because it's slowly starting to kill me. I don' t know how to live my life anymore feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I can't tell anyone. I walk on egg shells with my family because I feel like they have an idea but I do not want to ever talk about it with them. I feel so horrible with my friends and my co-workers because they are always making comments about gay people and I want to crawl into a hole each and every time.
I'm confused more than anything and I don't know what I should do next. I just know that I'm going to keep hiding in my room because I'm so uncomfortable around people. I just want to disappear. I can't keep living like this but I feel stuck in this life like I always have. I can't figure out how to live in a world where I feel so scared all the time and when I feel so different from everyone else that I want to jump out of my skin when I have to socialize. I know my situation is not unique and many people can deal with this and live happily ever after but I don't understand how. I am too much of a coward, I think.
I promised my mother I would never commit suicide so since I have to live, what do I do? That will probably end up being rhetorical but I had to post this so at least now I've stopped lying to a few more people even if I keep on lying to myself. It's what I do best.
I've been so distant and such a terrible friend to most of you that I doubt anyone will really care about me anymore but my brain is going to blow up if I don't say what has been hurting me so much for about all my life.
I feel like I keep changing into different people but I don't like any of them so I retreat back into myself until I become someone else. I do not feel like the person who used to post at the music thread or who used to be obsessed with One Tree Hill or who used to go on AIM and talk with my friends. I don't know what happened to her.
My whole life is a lie and I have a secret that is eating me up inside. How do I accurately describe this? I'm not 100% straight. I've had feelings for women. I dislike most men in pretty much every way. I want more than anything to stop it but it won't go away and it makes me not want to live anymore. I don't define myself as any specific label because...I want to stay in denial land? Maybe...I could be wrong about my feelings and this will just magically go away? I can't even answer any of my own questions.
There are a few people who know about this but mostly I've kept it inside until now because it's slowly starting to kill me. I don' t know how to live my life anymore feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I can't tell anyone. I walk on egg shells with my family because I feel like they have an idea but I do not want to ever talk about it with them. I feel so horrible with my friends and my co-workers because they are always making comments about gay people and I want to crawl into a hole each and every time.
I'm confused more than anything and I don't know what I should do next. I just know that I'm going to keep hiding in my room because I'm so uncomfortable around people. I just want to disappear. I can't keep living like this but I feel stuck in this life like I always have. I can't figure out how to live in a world where I feel so scared all the time and when I feel so different from everyone else that I want to jump out of my skin when I have to socialize. I know my situation is not unique and many people can deal with this and live happily ever after but I don't understand how. I am too much of a coward, I think.
I promised my mother I would never commit suicide so since I have to live, what do I do? That will probably end up being rhetorical but I had to post this so at least now I've stopped lying to a few more people even if I keep on lying to myself. It's what I do best.