Thank God
I was thinking about what it would be like if my mom were to die...and I know everyone in my family has too. It's an awful feeling and an awful thought but it's nearly impossible not to ponder. I wondered if I would be mad at God. I wondered if I would lose faith in him. It hit me, just as my mother would scold me, "What makes you so special? God isn't doing this to you."
For a couple days I was okay with that.
Yesterday my phone woke me up with a voice mail of my dad saying that mom had lost movement in her left side and she was going to have a 6th surgery. Immediately I cursed at God. Instantly I felt anger. I knew in my heart that, no, he wasn't doing this to me, but it was happening. It was real. The fear and anger I felt followed me all day and I felt it every step. I was breathing and it was petrified hate.
The surgery went well but they couldn't fix all the spasms, just the arteries that were big enough. It was a relief only for a moment. She still couldn't move. I went into her room and I looked at her and I felt ashamed. She is the strongest woman I have ever known and I told her that. I believe she heard me.
We had just made it back into town when my dad called Kara's phone. She let out a scared moan and answered it. My heart was frozen and a split second lasted 30 minutes and my sister began to cry. The shattered pieces laying inside my chest were blown up again as if to make sure the destruction was complete. I knew she was gone.
My sister looked at me sobbing and said only one thing:
Mom can move again.
For a couple days I was okay with that.
Yesterday my phone woke me up with a voice mail of my dad saying that mom had lost movement in her left side and she was going to have a 6th surgery. Immediately I cursed at God. Instantly I felt anger. I knew in my heart that, no, he wasn't doing this to me, but it was happening. It was real. The fear and anger I felt followed me all day and I felt it every step. I was breathing and it was petrified hate.
The surgery went well but they couldn't fix all the spasms, just the arteries that were big enough. It was a relief only for a moment. She still couldn't move. I went into her room and I looked at her and I felt ashamed. She is the strongest woman I have ever known and I told her that. I believe she heard me.
We had just made it back into town when my dad called Kara's phone. She let out a scared moan and answered it. My heart was frozen and a split second lasted 30 minutes and my sister began to cry. The shattered pieces laying inside my chest were blown up again as if to make sure the destruction was complete. I knew she was gone.
My sister looked at me sobbing and said only one thing:
Mom can move again.