(no subject)
I can't sleep. I was exhausted and went to bed early. I laid there for over an hour and couldn't fall asleep. I don't want to take any sleeping pills. I once got addicted to them and I don't want that happening again. I feel like crying and I can't anymore. I can't stop being depressed. I take pills that are supposed to make me not be like this and they don't work. I feel worse now than when I was put on these ones at first. I don't feel like doing anything. The only thing I feel like doing is laying in bed all day and crying my eyes out without being bothered. I can't stop having flashbacks and that makes me so anxious. Alot of times I believe that I need to punish myself for being like this. I never want to have sex again. I have a hard time dealing with what happened. I can't cope with it. It was so long ago I should have moved on.
I want my mom to stop pretending to care about me those few times. Sometimes she will attempt to comfort me. Most of the time she treats me like I'm shit. I don't understand her. She tells me to stop acting like it and expects me to be able to stop. I hate mental illness. Noone understands that I can't learn to be happy. I don't want to be like this. She told me to stop trying to be a girl. It's cause I'm depressed and I have a boyfriend. That was heterosexist and homophobic for her to say that. One of the problems I have is a 'girl' disorder but I don't have the same reasons for it. I use it as a bad way to cope with anxiety I don't want to loose weight. I go to all this help that doesn't work. I give up. There is no way for me to get over this. She now treats me like a five year old by following me to the bathroom every time I have to take a shit. I understand why but she doesn't care about me. Why does she have to check if I'm purging or not I know she really doesn't care.
Today was the last time I'm going to therapy. I feel worse now than when I started going to this one. I don't last more than 3 weeks with each one i go to. They dont' help me. I should stop trying. It wastes my time. The only time talking helps is when I talk to Ari and that's cause I'm really close to her. I stayed over her house the other night. Being at home is too stressful on me. I needed to cry to someone that actually gives a shit about my wellbeing.
I feel really pathetic. I just started crying and this isn't going to stop for hours. When I don't let myself cry I get really nauseous and the nausea always goes away when I start crying. When I go out I hold my emotions in and I feel sick alot. I don't want people seeing me weak. I'm gonna lay in bed in night and not fall asleep I know it and I'll be tired all tomorrow and sleep all day.
I want my mom to stop pretending to care about me those few times. Sometimes she will attempt to comfort me. Most of the time she treats me like I'm shit. I don't understand her. She tells me to stop acting like it and expects me to be able to stop. I hate mental illness. Noone understands that I can't learn to be happy. I don't want to be like this. She told me to stop trying to be a girl. It's cause I'm depressed and I have a boyfriend. That was heterosexist and homophobic for her to say that. One of the problems I have is a 'girl' disorder but I don't have the same reasons for it. I use it as a bad way to cope with anxiety I don't want to loose weight. I go to all this help that doesn't work. I give up. There is no way for me to get over this. She now treats me like a five year old by following me to the bathroom every time I have to take a shit. I understand why but she doesn't care about me. Why does she have to check if I'm purging or not I know she really doesn't care.
Today was the last time I'm going to therapy. I feel worse now than when I started going to this one. I don't last more than 3 weeks with each one i go to. They dont' help me. I should stop trying. It wastes my time. The only time talking helps is when I talk to Ari and that's cause I'm really close to her. I stayed over her house the other night. Being at home is too stressful on me. I needed to cry to someone that actually gives a shit about my wellbeing.
I feel really pathetic. I just started crying and this isn't going to stop for hours. When I don't let myself cry I get really nauseous and the nausea always goes away when I start crying. When I go out I hold my emotions in and I feel sick alot. I don't want people seeing me weak. I'm gonna lay in bed in night and not fall asleep I know it and I'll be tired all tomorrow and sleep all day.