2006 is over, thank you god!
Alright, just put some decemberists on, so might be settling in for a long one again, I'm not sure yet. First of all, thank the sweet, mighty lord above that the year 2006 is over. I honestly don't think I've had a worse year in my life. The year my parents got divorced and my dad had cancer (which was 1994) is probably still the worst, but 2006 is definately the runner up. Not because there was a great number of terrible things happening all the time, but just a consistent level of shitiness. I always kept thinking, things will be better soon, it'll be ok, and nothing ever changed. To give some examples, how about losing nearly all of my friends, most for reasons I really couldn't explain, they simply just...disappeared and stopped calling. I have two or three people that I see regularly now. I'm counting my cat in that equation. How about three attempts at trying to find a nice girl to talk to, for romance hardly even mattered, just a girl to talk with, to be a good friend, to spend some time with. How about all three of those attempts failing miserably, one ending in a fake phone number, which was certainly my first experience with that. I am so bad that it makes sense to give me a fake phone number, because I am so boring and would be so wretched to spend time with? I didn't think I was that bad. How about it seeming like in this past month of work (december), it seemed like I was getting on everyone's nerves and no one wanted me around. This is WORK, the safe haven, the place where most of my good friends are. Do I complain too much? Have I been too negative that most of them have just given up on me? I don't know, I can't explain it. I could just be being paranoid, because of all the other shitty shit that keeps happening, I just assume they don't like me either, but I think its more than that. One person certainly is tired of me, and shes always been important. I don't know what to do anymore.
So thats last year in one paragraph, although I could write about fifty more on the lost feeling I had most of the year, the general feeling of hopelessness because I am 26 and still have never once had a serious relationship, still don't know what I'm doing with my life, etc. But I'll stop there. Why? Because I think 2007 will be my year. It is time. It is time for Jason to make his place known in the world. I will finally be done at U of M after six years (probably two too many, but I have to say I enjoyed just about every year I spent here, except the last one) and have already made the first few steps in going to law school. Sent the transcripts out yesterday, talked to the professors about letters of recommendation, its definately a go. I didn't do nearly as well as I should have on the LSAT, and there is no excuse whatsoever for that. I watched a decent movie the other day called "Proof" with the lovely gwenyth paltrow and she mentioned to someone who was 26 that he was on the "downward spiral", where basically, alot of your creativity starts slipping away from you and you aren't capable of thinking on the level that you previously were. I would almost be inclined to agree with that. Because I got a 147 on the LSAT, which is the EXACT same score I got on the practice test. Where is the logic in that? Simple knowledge of life as we know it would tell you that people do BETTER after having done a task more than once, not exactly the same. I really felt good about it too when I left the test center, I kept telling everyone I was behind a car that had a 163 in its license plate, and I told them it was a sign. I was confident. I'm not confident very often (which would probably explain the lack of a girlfriend for all these years). And then the test results come back with a 147. All is not lost on that, however, and thats why I think things will look up this year. I can still get 35% of law school paid for with my GPA (a 3.4) and the score combined, and thats better than nothing. So its time to move on past my home of six years, and I will definately miss it, there is no question about that. Walking over to the registrar yesterday I kept thinking wow, this is one of the last times I will do this. It will be a big step, but god knows that I am fucking ready for it, its time to do something else, and hopefully law school will be that something else I need.
All of this bad isn't to say that there hasn't been at least SOME good things from the past year. There were a few memorable nights, though far less than there were in the last great year I had, 2004. Discovering a new bar in Ann Arbor with about 100 beers on tap and 100 bottled beers, called Ashleys, was good. Everytime we went there was memorable, especially the time Nate tried falling asleep at a gas station and still got questioned by a cop. My friendship with Nate is also a positive. Meeting Sheridan is probably the best positive of the year (a girl often is), its just disapointing that she isn't around very often. I've only talked to her a handful of times since I quit WoW (and good riddance to that), but everytime I do I have a smile on my face all day. Thats a nice feeling, and one fewer people can evoke from me anymore. So it is nice to know her. I also can't forget the Decemberists concert, or Ozzfest where Zack fell asleep sitting down on the lawn with heavy metal all around him, or Warped Tour which was the hottest (weatherwise, I'm not all of a sudden going to start throwing around MTV words) experience of all time, but was awesome with Brian and the last time I saw Anna and this other dude who became my concert buddy, who is now interested in Kristin, small fucking world. My relationship with my mom has improved quite a bit too, ever since we sort of had it out on my birthday. I called out for help, that I was unhappy with my life and basically, needed my mother, and she answered, which surprised me. Went to church with her and her husband, who I have also accepted, and went to dinner with them a few times, and things are much better than they have been in years. This year I will work on improving my relationship with my Dad, for selfish reasons and also because he needs a friend now. I may have had a bad year, but my Dad's was far worse. His best friend died at the beginning of December, at the age of 45. So young! I can't imagine Dave, John, Rob, Chad and I all being around 45-46 and then getting the call that one of them had died in their sleep. I wouldn't know what to do. These are four people that I will know for the rest of my life, and to lose one of them so early would be unthinkable. And Jeff was my dads only real friend. My dad even said yesterday "this world holds no joy for me anymore", which scares me a bit, and is also, to me, a cry that he wants his son around. I plan to do my part and I think we will be much closer for it.
So basically what I am trying to tell myself (because this journal has definately become only for myself, no one cares about it anymore, which is why I don't write anymore, why write for an audience when you have none at all?) is that, things can go nowehere but up. I think this is my year. I have three resolutions this year and two will be easy and one will be incredibly difficult (which is to say, the one about giving up fast food), but I want to start working out so that I can possibly build my confidence up and start talking to girls. I have mentioned it before, but to anyone who says "you need to get out and start talking to girls", my response is, I have never had to do that. All the girls I have liked in the past, both Rachels, Janelle, Kristin, have all come to me. I didn't have to do anything to find them, they were just around. Yes, nothing ever came of any of them, but thats not the point. The point is I'm not used to having to go out and find a new girl to be interested in. It is obvious however, since the last girl that I really liked was in February of 2006, and any experience I had with her had ended in about October of 2005 (!), that I need to do something. I tried, and failed three times last year. I have to try more than three times this year. Interesting side note, two of the three girls had the same name. Scary!
I wish there was a book club or something like that I could join. I was watching figure skating most of the day on new years over my grandmas (in between the atrocious michigan football game) and kept thinking "goddammit, I wish I could call someone up and talk to them about this. Or ask them what the grand prix results were". Or when I was about to finish my 15th Kurt Vonnegut book the other day, Hocus Pocus, and when the ending floored me as most of his endings are known to do, if I could have called a girl and talked to her about it. This is why I miss Kelsey. We were never all that close, but she was the smartest person I ever knew. I glanced at her journal today and I am intimidated, because I think to myself "there is no way I could ever write that eloquently (I probably didn't even spell that right, for gods' sake), and shes about five years younger than I am". But maybe we could at least talk a little, so I could read all of these intellectual books that I read that are certainly not for everyone, and I would have someone to discuss it with. I even miss ol' Westhaus, cuz that dude was a smart mutherfucker too. I hope we become friends again if I get into Cooley (which I'd like to think is a sure thing - getting into Cooley that is).
So, after six Decemberists songs, I think thats about all I have for a while, but the point is, I think this is my year. Its time for things to get better. To use the cliched saying, one you hit rock bottom, there is no where to go but up.
So thats last year in one paragraph, although I could write about fifty more on the lost feeling I had most of the year, the general feeling of hopelessness because I am 26 and still have never once had a serious relationship, still don't know what I'm doing with my life, etc. But I'll stop there. Why? Because I think 2007 will be my year. It is time. It is time for Jason to make his place known in the world. I will finally be done at U of M after six years (probably two too many, but I have to say I enjoyed just about every year I spent here, except the last one) and have already made the first few steps in going to law school. Sent the transcripts out yesterday, talked to the professors about letters of recommendation, its definately a go. I didn't do nearly as well as I should have on the LSAT, and there is no excuse whatsoever for that. I watched a decent movie the other day called "Proof" with the lovely gwenyth paltrow and she mentioned to someone who was 26 that he was on the "downward spiral", where basically, alot of your creativity starts slipping away from you and you aren't capable of thinking on the level that you previously were. I would almost be inclined to agree with that. Because I got a 147 on the LSAT, which is the EXACT same score I got on the practice test. Where is the logic in that? Simple knowledge of life as we know it would tell you that people do BETTER after having done a task more than once, not exactly the same. I really felt good about it too when I left the test center, I kept telling everyone I was behind a car that had a 163 in its license plate, and I told them it was a sign. I was confident. I'm not confident very often (which would probably explain the lack of a girlfriend for all these years). And then the test results come back with a 147. All is not lost on that, however, and thats why I think things will look up this year. I can still get 35% of law school paid for with my GPA (a 3.4) and the score combined, and thats better than nothing. So its time to move on past my home of six years, and I will definately miss it, there is no question about that. Walking over to the registrar yesterday I kept thinking wow, this is one of the last times I will do this. It will be a big step, but god knows that I am fucking ready for it, its time to do something else, and hopefully law school will be that something else I need.
All of this bad isn't to say that there hasn't been at least SOME good things from the past year. There were a few memorable nights, though far less than there were in the last great year I had, 2004. Discovering a new bar in Ann Arbor with about 100 beers on tap and 100 bottled beers, called Ashleys, was good. Everytime we went there was memorable, especially the time Nate tried falling asleep at a gas station and still got questioned by a cop. My friendship with Nate is also a positive. Meeting Sheridan is probably the best positive of the year (a girl often is), its just disapointing that she isn't around very often. I've only talked to her a handful of times since I quit WoW (and good riddance to that), but everytime I do I have a smile on my face all day. Thats a nice feeling, and one fewer people can evoke from me anymore. So it is nice to know her. I also can't forget the Decemberists concert, or Ozzfest where Zack fell asleep sitting down on the lawn with heavy metal all around him, or Warped Tour which was the hottest (weatherwise, I'm not all of a sudden going to start throwing around MTV words) experience of all time, but was awesome with Brian and the last time I saw Anna and this other dude who became my concert buddy, who is now interested in Kristin, small fucking world. My relationship with my mom has improved quite a bit too, ever since we sort of had it out on my birthday. I called out for help, that I was unhappy with my life and basically, needed my mother, and she answered, which surprised me. Went to church with her and her husband, who I have also accepted, and went to dinner with them a few times, and things are much better than they have been in years. This year I will work on improving my relationship with my Dad, for selfish reasons and also because he needs a friend now. I may have had a bad year, but my Dad's was far worse. His best friend died at the beginning of December, at the age of 45. So young! I can't imagine Dave, John, Rob, Chad and I all being around 45-46 and then getting the call that one of them had died in their sleep. I wouldn't know what to do. These are four people that I will know for the rest of my life, and to lose one of them so early would be unthinkable. And Jeff was my dads only real friend. My dad even said yesterday "this world holds no joy for me anymore", which scares me a bit, and is also, to me, a cry that he wants his son around. I plan to do my part and I think we will be much closer for it.
So basically what I am trying to tell myself (because this journal has definately become only for myself, no one cares about it anymore, which is why I don't write anymore, why write for an audience when you have none at all?) is that, things can go nowehere but up. I think this is my year. I have three resolutions this year and two will be easy and one will be incredibly difficult (which is to say, the one about giving up fast food), but I want to start working out so that I can possibly build my confidence up and start talking to girls. I have mentioned it before, but to anyone who says "you need to get out and start talking to girls", my response is, I have never had to do that. All the girls I have liked in the past, both Rachels, Janelle, Kristin, have all come to me. I didn't have to do anything to find them, they were just around. Yes, nothing ever came of any of them, but thats not the point. The point is I'm not used to having to go out and find a new girl to be interested in. It is obvious however, since the last girl that I really liked was in February of 2006, and any experience I had with her had ended in about October of 2005 (!), that I need to do something. I tried, and failed three times last year. I have to try more than three times this year. Interesting side note, two of the three girls had the same name. Scary!
I wish there was a book club or something like that I could join. I was watching figure skating most of the day on new years over my grandmas (in between the atrocious michigan football game) and kept thinking "goddammit, I wish I could call someone up and talk to them about this. Or ask them what the grand prix results were". Or when I was about to finish my 15th Kurt Vonnegut book the other day, Hocus Pocus, and when the ending floored me as most of his endings are known to do, if I could have called a girl and talked to her about it. This is why I miss Kelsey. We were never all that close, but she was the smartest person I ever knew. I glanced at her journal today and I am intimidated, because I think to myself "there is no way I could ever write that eloquently (I probably didn't even spell that right, for gods' sake), and shes about five years younger than I am". But maybe we could at least talk a little, so I could read all of these intellectual books that I read that are certainly not for everyone, and I would have someone to discuss it with. I even miss ol' Westhaus, cuz that dude was a smart mutherfucker too. I hope we become friends again if I get into Cooley (which I'd like to think is a sure thing - getting into Cooley that is).
So, after six Decemberists songs, I think thats about all I have for a while, but the point is, I think this is my year. Its time for things to get better. To use the cliched saying, one you hit rock bottom, there is no where to go but up.