[journal entry - locked from Basil]
Aiyah~~
Not that I suppose it matters, but I don't know what to think about Basil right now. I guess you could say I miss him. I mean, I'd like to miss him, but he did that. Which is something that I don't miss in general and I really didn't need it coming from him.
I think I understand why he did it. He's one of those people who understands physical affection more than any other kind, and that's all sex is in the end. He was trying to cheer me up. And, yes, I really do believe that. He's done it before. I was trying to break him of that habit, really - it's a dangerous one for exactly this reason.
It likely would've been fine except that I wasn't supposed to be letting him touch me. It wasn't that I didn't want it, it's just that I was saying no the whole damn time (even if it was because I had to) and he did it anyway! If I really hadn't wanted it, I don't think it would've changed anything.
But, alright. So, I understand it, and it's not so horrible. He even apologised. So, I'm not really angry at him. But does that make it any less fucked-up? I said at the time that I forgave him, but looking at it now... can you even forgive something like that?
The man needs help. End of story.
I really, really hope he doesn't try to talk to me anymore. I don't want to see him. Not because of the above, or anything else he did. Having to push him away all the time is just going to be very painful for both of us and I'd rather he stayed away so that I didn't have to do it anymore.
Because I still love him, as horribly fucked in the head as that is. Don't judge me. This is just very confusing.
In some messed-up way, I'm kind of glad that I'm not allowed physical contact with him. I should be avoiding him after what he did, and I'm not sure that I'd have enough sense to do so if it weren't for this.
Yeah, it's all very messed-up. I don't know what to think of that, or of the fact that I just wrote a hell of a long entry about someone who hopefully will not factor very heavily into the rest of my life. Damn it, why can't things just be normal and simple? I don't need this.
I wanna go home away.
Not that I suppose it matters, but I don't know what to think about Basil right now. I guess you could say I miss him. I mean, I'd like to miss him, but he did that. Which is something that I don't miss in general and I really didn't need it coming from him.
I think I understand why he did it. He's one of those people who understands physical affection more than any other kind, and that's all sex is in the end. He was trying to cheer me up. And, yes, I really do believe that. He's done it before. I was trying to break him of that habit, really - it's a dangerous one for exactly this reason.
It likely would've been fine except that I wasn't supposed to be letting him touch me. It wasn't that I didn't want it, it's just that I was saying no the whole damn time (even if it was because I had to) and he did it anyway! If I really hadn't wanted it, I don't think it would've changed anything.
But, alright. So, I understand it, and it's not so horrible. He even apologised. So, I'm not really angry at him. But does that make it any less fucked-up? I said at the time that I forgave him, but looking at it now... can you even forgive something like that?
The man needs help. End of story.
I really, really hope he doesn't try to talk to me anymore. I don't want to see him. Not because of the above, or anything else he did. Having to push him away all the time is just going to be very painful for both of us and I'd rather he stayed away so that I didn't have to do it anymore.
Because I still love him, as horribly fucked in the head as that is. Don't judge me. This is just very confusing.
In some messed-up way, I'm kind of glad that I'm not allowed physical contact with him. I should be avoiding him after what he did, and I'm not sure that I'd have enough sense to do so if it weren't for this.
Yeah, it's all very messed-up. I don't know what to think of that, or of the fact that I just wrote a hell of a long entry about someone who hopefully will not factor very heavily into the rest of my life. Damn it, why can't things just be normal and simple? I don't need this.
I wanna go home away.