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It's true that most people fear failure, but sometimes I think that I secretly wish for it (I sure as hell do nothing in my power to be otherwise). If I fail I can start from the bottom, rebuild myself as I see fit, and everybodies expectations would fade away, they would accept that I have to start low after failure. I don't know if other people
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I understand what you are going through, almost too well.
I know it becomes very overwhelming when people dump their expectations on you; you begin to feel like everyone is watching and awaiting your next move-- and sometimes, you feel so paralyzed and stuck that you don't know what to do out of fear that you won't do what is "right".
It's funny 'cause I was trying to write you a letter Sarauna, about the last post that you wrote where you were also frustrated, but not this frustrated... but I just couldn't get the words out... but basically what I wanted to say was... your smart without a doubt. When stuff needs to be done, you get it done, eventually. Its bad enough that you are not sure what your next move is, that with school crap, family stuff, and love and life stuff you have to deal with what others are putting on you. So much so and so all of that pressure and uncertainity becomes amplified when everyone and their mother comes up to you and asks you questions about your life.
I also understand the failure stuff.... i think you feel so lackluster and unmotivated, partly because you do want people to get off of your back.. if they dont think your good enough, then they wont bother you. I also think that you contemplating failure might be because you dont have any definite plans; you don't have anything specific that you want to get involved in right now so without that goal in mind you are just moving slowly along without a lot of drive....
I know you are beyond frustrated, and nothing I say can really help but: while you take time to access YOUR life, don't let others influence what you want to do, but most importanly what you think you should do. Don't let the guise that others around you who have plans make you think that just because they know what they think they want to do, you should know. Its never good to start running toward a goal that is undefined, because eventually you burn out and miss all the other possibilites.
You clearly are talented and driven when you want and need to be, so being smart is not the problem, its trying to find a way that you can use your talents to do something that will make you happy and fullfilled that is the problem.
Take it one goal at a time... looking at your profile the first goal is May 21st at 10 am.... that is the only thing that you need to be concerned with. I know you want to graduate so you can just be done, so do what you have to do.
Personally, when people where always asking what are you doing after you graduate, especially when some of them had the nerve to say "you don't have any plans, that is a first," I looked them dead in their eyes and said "my plan is to destress myself and I will begin that by first getting you out of my face". I know it seems harsh, but it worked, and suddenly I did not have people putting pressure on me (although it was because they were afraid to say anything, oh well it worked for me.)
Just because you dont go to grad school doesnt mean that you have stopped.. it just means that you have slowed down enough to access what is right for you. You will figure it out eventually... but until then, I will be waiting for you in the quad, Sunday, May 21st, with open arms.
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