(no subject)

[cleva2day]

It's true that most people fear failure, but sometimes I think that I secretly wish for it (I sure as hell do nothing in my power to be otherwise). If I fail I can start from the bottom, rebuild myself as I see fit, and everybodies expectations would fade away, they would accept that I have to start low after failure. I don't know if other people think that way. I don't know if it's big expectations people place on me, I place on myself, if I'm just too lazy to go harder, if I don't know what harder (higher) is and so i let that stop me, I don't know anything other than the fact that I don't want to try anymore, I don't want people to look at me with expectation in their eyes. No I don't know what I'm doing after graduation, no I didn't write that paper, no I didn't do the reading, no I don't care. I just don't want to deal. True story. Problem is that you can't just stop, people don't let you stop.

I always jokingly say that Smith is gonna make me agoraphobic. Not so funny anymore.