The Thief #3: The Thaumaturgy of the Thief (1/1)
The Thaumaturgy of the Thief
Rating: Teen
Genre: Gen, Episode-Related, Humor, Pre-Ship (Daniel/Vala)
Timeline: Season 08
Warnings: Adult Themes
Summary: Vala's quest to catch "her" Daniel continues
Series: The Thief and the Archaeologist (The Thief)
Word Count: 1,781
Awards: None
The Thaumaturgy of the Thief
"The right word spoken at the right time sometimes achieves miracles."
-Josef Goebbels, The Goebbels Diaries
Caius Orellius considered himself a simple man with simple tastes. He had no desire for extravagant clothing, exotic women, or lush estates.
But this was ridiculous.
The blasted monks of the false god Grannus led lives so simple, it was best described as "impoverished". Day in, day out, they wore the same scratchy robes, chanted the same repetitive prayers, ate the same bland food... and were pathetically satisfied about it! After a single day of the endless nonsense, he was ready to scream.
Sadly, though, there was no escape from his current predicament. A "property dispute" with the powerful System Lord Baal had brought his smuggling and pirating days to a screeching halt, forcing Caius to go into hiding. What better place to do that than to find religion? Grannus had pledged his fealty to Baal after the death of his former lord, Cammulus, thus making one of his worlds the perfect place to hide from the Jaffa of Baal.
Some of the strain of living at the shrine was eased once he learned the offerings made to the so-called sun god were left lying about until Grannus sent a servant to collect them. Caius began helping himself to the gifts, and soon had a very nice collection of riches stashed away in his personal cargo ship off-world. For the moment, however, he was reduced to merely hiding from Baal.
So there he was, weeding the garden less than a month into his self-imposed exile, and was tending the flowers by the "Eye of the Sun" when the chevrons began to engage. Startled, he leapt back from the Stargate, glancing around to see if any monks or pilgrims were in the immediate vicinity. No one was, which left him in the very vulnerable position of greeting whomever came through the event horizon.
The portal opened and a single, slim figure with a big round bag slung over her shoulder stepped through, a grin crossing her features as she noted Caius. Her form-fitting clothing flattered every curve, providing the smuggler with a view of a valley so deep, it nearly gave him vertigo. Much as he enjoyed the vista, others could have heard the activation of the Stargate and could already be on their way.
"Sister Vesina," he muttered between clenched teeth, "you're not properly attired for this kind of weather."
"I don't know, Brother Caius," she answered casually, "the air feels warm enough to me. A little too warm, actually. Would you help me remove-"
"Do you mind?" he hissed, nervously glancing down the path toward the monastery.
"Relax, I've got my robe right here," Vala Mal Doran assured him, reaching into the over-sized carrier and withdrawing a simple gray habit. Pulling it over her head, and straightening it on her shoulders, she was finally covered from head-to-toe. "Is that better?"
"Much," the smuggler breathed in relief, just as a pair of monks rounded a bend in the garden. "Blessed day!" he called in greeting as the men walked by.
"Blessed day," the monks echoed, then were out of sight.
"Thank Grannus," Caius sighed, relieved Vala-and by extension, himself-hadn't been caught. "Well, Sister, how are the orphans?"
Vala picked up her bag again, a frown creasing her striking features. "It's complicated. They started fighting their bedtime about a week ago, but things have gotten really nasty in the last few days. There seems to be no end in sight. Several of the orphans have broken all their toys, and they'll probably all go without supper before this is through."
Caius grabbed her arm and pulled her off the side of the path, safely concealing them behind a stand of flowering bushes. "What in the name of all that's holy did that mean?"
"I'm not the idiot who came up with that ridiculous code!" she retorted. "Asking about the 'orphans' to find out if Baal's still pissed off at you?"
"A simple 'well' or 'poorly' would have sufficed!"
"Well, a simple answer wouldn't have done the real situation any good! Yes, Baal's still out to get you, but the whole galaxy's been turned upside-down in the last week! Some sort of creatures called the 'Replicators' have been systematically destroying or taking over every Goa'uld ship in the galaxy, sweeping their way across whole domains like cicadas on crops."
"What?"
"I told you it was complicated," Vala huffed. "The System Lords are being wiped out, one by one."
"Hellfire," Caius breathed, sitting down on a convenient rock. "And you say there's no end in sight?"
"Well, there is... but it's probably the kind of end where the Replicators destroy everything, and there's no one left to care, anyway." She twisted her lips into a wry smile. "Well, nothing left but people who know how to fend for themselves without the protection of a 'god'."
I know that smile, the smuggler moaned inwardly. It was the first visible sign that the beautiful thief had some wild scheme in mind... though one could be reasonably certain she always had something nefarious planned. "What's in the bag?" he asked, forcing himself to remain composed.
"A little artifact I've chosen to gift to the shrine," she replied cryptically. "I was here earlier, but you weren't, so I thought I'd wait until I could give it to you personally."
"Give what?"
"A sign from Grannus! I've located the elusive Ring of Shen-Marak." She reached into the bag and withdrew-
"A power coil? Hellfire, Vala, that's no 'artifact'!"
Vala shrugged. "Yes, but how many of the devout pilgrims who donate their worldly goods to the shrine actually know that?"
"I think tha... uh, what?" How did she know about his current racket?
"Oh, come off it, Caius. I know you."
That, the pirate thought, is exactly the problem. "The Ring of Shen-Marak, eh? Well, what does 'Sister Vesina' get out of it? And don't tell me 'nothing', either. I know you."
"Fine." Vala propped her elbow up on a stone plinth. "I've recently learned of an artifact which could lead me to the catch of the millennium."
"The catch of the millennium was Aris Boch's capture of Ehmerid of Constasis. And since when did you become a bounty hunter?"
Vala looked smug. "That was last millennium, according to the calendar of Ra. It's a 'new' millennium and not all 'catches' are turned in for their bounty. No, this 'catch' could very well lead me to-be the treasure of the Ancients."
Caius puzzled over the correction briefly, before dismissing it as inconsequential. "What do you need from me, then?"
"I need to know how to work some of the 'special upgrades' to your cargo ship."
"You came all this way to ask me if you can borrow my ship? No, no! You can just take your useless power coil and leave, Vala! You're great on 'borrowing' but not-so-great at the giving-back-in-one-piece-when-finished part."
"I didn't come all this way to ask you if I could borrow your ship," Vala sighed with a dramatic eye-roll. "I've already borrowed it. Now what I need is to make sure I can get where I'm going without getting caught."
"You what?!"
"That robe must be affecting your hearing."
"My hearing's fine!" Caius sputtered. Oh, hellfire, does she know about the 'offerings' stashed aboard?
"Um-hmmm..." Vala gave him a quick once-over. "Anyway, the place I need to go is deep in Lucien Alliance territory."
"And the Alliance cares for you about as much as Baal does for me," the smuggler finished, burying his face in his hands. "This 'catch' had better be worth it, Vala. I expect twenty-percent."
"I'm sure he-it will be. Five percent of the treasure."
"Fifteen."
"Ten."
"Deal."
"Deal." She flashed him an impudent grin. "Ten percent of my share, that is. Of course, I'm sure I'll have to split the treasure with the tablet's interpreter..."
"You're an evil woman, Vala." One of these years, I'm gonna get one up on her, he sighed to himself.
"No, I'm not!" she protested. "Resourceful, intelligent, seductively beautiful, yes, but not evil."
"Not to mention treacherous and deceitful."
The thief smiled seductively. "Flattery won't get you a larger percentage." She straightened. "Now. About those modifications..."
Caius sighed and quickly explained the holographic and pulse-wave technologies he'd installed on his cargo ship to fool sensors and disable enemy ships. "That combined with the standard cloaking shield should be all you need," he finished.
"And that's it?"
"That should be all you need," he reiterated.
"But what if I-"
"Vala, if you get my ship into a situation where neither one of those tricks will help you, I will personally send you to Sokar!"
"Hate to break it to you, Caius, but Sokar's dead."
"My point exactly."
"All right!" she cried. "I'll bring your ship back, as soon as-" She was interrupted by the sound of the Stargate activating. The approached the edge of the clearing, peering expectantly at the event horizon. "Grannus due back?"
Caius swallowed. "He is not expected for weeks. Perhaps more pilgrims?"
Suddenly a vibrant blue shockwave emerged from the 'Gate, sweeping upward and outward, surging past the surprised pair. "Not Grannus," Vala muttered, shuddering a bit.
"Some kind of weapon? Scanning device?"
"I don't know," she answered, still unsettled. "Whatever it was, it was big."
"Well, yeah. Did you see how it expanded when-"
"That's not what I meant." Her expression was closed. "I've felt like this before. Qetesh always thought my 'feelings of doom' meant nothing until one preceded the rebellion of her slaves against her. The last time I felt something like this, was shortly before Anubis revealed himself as the new dominant force in the galaxy. As I said, Caius, this is big. Cosmically big."
The 'Gate shut off, the sound of running feet echoing in the absence of the wormhole's roar. "Brother Caius! Sister Vesina!" Abbot Marcus gasped, accompanied by two equally breathless monks. "What has transpired?"
Vala smiled with undue cheer. "A sign from Grannus! My sisters and I have recovered the Ring of Shen-Marak!" She grabbed the power coil and spun about, holding it up like the precious relic she was passing it off as.
"Thanks be to Grannus!" the abbot cried, reaching out to touch the object reverently. "It shall have a place of honor next to the sacred Livanna Crystal!" Then the odd little troupe of abbot, monks, smuggler, and thief made their way to the stone pillar upon which the relic was perched.
It wasn't there.
"The Livanna Crystal has vanished!" one of the monks cried.
Caius glared suspiciously at Vala. "A sign from Grannus!" she exclaimed again.