Try...Cry...WHY TRY...cuz That Was Just A Dream...
OOOOOOOOOOOH Life...
I am so sick of people.
So I called Matthew last night, and left a message saying, "Hi Jenn, this is Matt...." I am about as dumb as a ROCK. I got called The Little Shit the other day. Ironic, eh?? How our words come back to bite us in the long run. My life seems to be based on irony. The ironic thing is I FUCKING HATE IRONY!! Well, I kind of fucking hate everything right now, but that's not a fun mood to be in or discuss, so we will pretend we are happy and life is beautiful. Ha, the thing is...life really is beautiful. Every day is a divine appointment, you just have to be watching for those moments that make it worth living. They are all around you, waiting for you to take notice and action. I firmly believe in destiny, and the fact that everything happens for a reason. Which is difficult, because I don't understand the purpose of today. I can't name one thing that really gave this day purpose or meaning. I kind of realized that today would be like that somewhat soon after Ashley woke me up, so I just went back to bed. All day. Around 5, Matthew woke me up again, and asked if I wanted to go out. I thought, yes, perhaps this will give the day some sort of point. I don't know who I was trying to kid. No offense, but I should have just stayed in bed. Today was not made for me. I don't know why I always look to him to save me from myself. When will I realize that no one can do that? Everyone has their own problems, and no one really cares enough to concern themselves with yours.
I feel blessed though, because I realize that things won't always be like this. Nothing stays good, nothing lasts forever, but that also means that nothing stays bad, nothing stays pointless. I am confident that sooner or later, I will discover a new purpose, some reason to get out of bed. Right now, I don't have one. That's a tough place to be. It just shows me that I need to be paying more attention. We humans are surrounded by purpose, and each person has their own unique slice of destiny. I wish I could find mine. There have been many times when I knew what it was, but eventually, that purpose is gone, it is no longer yours. I try to hang on to some, I don't want to admit that that part of my life is over, but others, like my most recent one, just kind of fade away by choice, and while the absence of that sense of having a mission is missed, you know in your heart that it was time to "ramble on"....lol, kind of like this post. But I don't care, this is MY journal, and I should be able to write as much as I want LOL. I am forcing NO ONE to read it.
I am kind of ready to leave this earth altogether, but I know I can't, because I know there is more in store for me in life. If there wasn't, I already would have died. However, what I don't want to face is the feeling that the only things I have coming are just new kinds of pain. I can say that in the last few years, that is about all life has been about. Discovering new things just so they can rip me apart like nothing before has done. I am as ripped apart as I want to be. I feel like there are holes perforating my chest, everywhere, and each one of them is this painful wound that just won't close, and the good things that happen only seem to serve to rip those wounds open just a little wider.
People tell me to just put on a happy face or look at the bright side. I say, fuck them. I don't owe it to anyone to be how they want me to be. They don't have to call me,they don't have to talk to me, or hang out with me. I don't really care. If I could just be left alone, that would be great. This is who I am, and I don't care if no one is okay with that. I have been alone most of my life. It hasn't really been a happy tale...no one's life really is. But the point is, I have no problem with solitude. I like it. It's safe, familiar, and comfortable to me. People....people aren't. They are nerve-wracking (sp?), conniving little bastards that just use you for what they can get. They judge you, compare themselves to every little thing about you, and eventually stab you in the back once they have received what they needed. They leave you to rot and die without a second thought, or a look back. When I'm alone, no one can hurt me, no one can piss me off, no one can reject me time and again. I don't have to pretend like things don't get to me to avoid stepping on toes and creating drama. I have always been a loner, a green apple in a world of red ones, and I am tired of trying to change that to satisfy those around me.
Grey Street - Dave Matthew's Band...The song that has forever been my theme...
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her He might
She says, “I pray!
But my prayers they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?”
Oh there’s a loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please!
There’s a crazy man, he's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
.................................
alec says:
alright jenn a palooza, you have a merry night indeed!
(MSN conversation, 3/14/04)
I am so sick of people.
So I called Matthew last night, and left a message saying, "Hi Jenn, this is Matt...." I am about as dumb as a ROCK. I got called The Little Shit the other day. Ironic, eh?? How our words come back to bite us in the long run. My life seems to be based on irony. The ironic thing is I FUCKING HATE IRONY!! Well, I kind of fucking hate everything right now, but that's not a fun mood to be in or discuss, so we will pretend we are happy and life is beautiful. Ha, the thing is...life really is beautiful. Every day is a divine appointment, you just have to be watching for those moments that make it worth living. They are all around you, waiting for you to take notice and action. I firmly believe in destiny, and the fact that everything happens for a reason. Which is difficult, because I don't understand the purpose of today. I can't name one thing that really gave this day purpose or meaning. I kind of realized that today would be like that somewhat soon after Ashley woke me up, so I just went back to bed. All day. Around 5, Matthew woke me up again, and asked if I wanted to go out. I thought, yes, perhaps this will give the day some sort of point. I don't know who I was trying to kid. No offense, but I should have just stayed in bed. Today was not made for me. I don't know why I always look to him to save me from myself. When will I realize that no one can do that? Everyone has their own problems, and no one really cares enough to concern themselves with yours.
I feel blessed though, because I realize that things won't always be like this. Nothing stays good, nothing lasts forever, but that also means that nothing stays bad, nothing stays pointless. I am confident that sooner or later, I will discover a new purpose, some reason to get out of bed. Right now, I don't have one. That's a tough place to be. It just shows me that I need to be paying more attention. We humans are surrounded by purpose, and each person has their own unique slice of destiny. I wish I could find mine. There have been many times when I knew what it was, but eventually, that purpose is gone, it is no longer yours. I try to hang on to some, I don't want to admit that that part of my life is over, but others, like my most recent one, just kind of fade away by choice, and while the absence of that sense of having a mission is missed, you know in your heart that it was time to "ramble on"....lol, kind of like this post. But I don't care, this is MY journal, and I should be able to write as much as I want LOL. I am forcing NO ONE to read it.
I am kind of ready to leave this earth altogether, but I know I can't, because I know there is more in store for me in life. If there wasn't, I already would have died. However, what I don't want to face is the feeling that the only things I have coming are just new kinds of pain. I can say that in the last few years, that is about all life has been about. Discovering new things just so they can rip me apart like nothing before has done. I am as ripped apart as I want to be. I feel like there are holes perforating my chest, everywhere, and each one of them is this painful wound that just won't close, and the good things that happen only seem to serve to rip those wounds open just a little wider.
People tell me to just put on a happy face or look at the bright side. I say, fuck them. I don't owe it to anyone to be how they want me to be. They don't have to call me,they don't have to talk to me, or hang out with me. I don't really care. If I could just be left alone, that would be great. This is who I am, and I don't care if no one is okay with that. I have been alone most of my life. It hasn't really been a happy tale...no one's life really is. But the point is, I have no problem with solitude. I like it. It's safe, familiar, and comfortable to me. People....people aren't. They are nerve-wracking (sp?), conniving little bastards that just use you for what they can get. They judge you, compare themselves to every little thing about you, and eventually stab you in the back once they have received what they needed. They leave you to rot and die without a second thought, or a look back. When I'm alone, no one can hurt me, no one can piss me off, no one can reject me time and again. I don't have to pretend like things don't get to me to avoid stepping on toes and creating drama. I have always been a loner, a green apple in a world of red ones, and I am tired of trying to change that to satisfy those around me.
Grey Street - Dave Matthew's Band...The song that has forever been my theme...
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her He might
She says, “I pray!
But my prayers they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?”
Oh there’s a loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please!
There’s a crazy man, he's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
.................................
alec says:
alright jenn a palooza, you have a merry night indeed!
(MSN conversation, 3/14/04)