Things I found in my closet
While my internet was out, I got so bored that I started cleaning. (If you know me, you know how dire a situation this must have been, and not just because I was getting over a stomach bug at the time.) And once I got going in my closet (it's a walk-in, so you can imagine how many years of crap were piled up in there), I started compiling a list of what I found there. This is what I was reduced to for entertainment, people.
Various small trinket and/or jewelry boxes: 18
Two round boxes of cheap and/or broken jewelry, beads, etc.
Various glass vases: 6*
. . . * One of which I broke while moving the box
Various decorative glass bottles: 14
Teapots, each with coordinating teacup: 3
A decorative jar of seashells, probably bought somewhere*
. . . * By a great-aunt
A Tupperware box of seashells, actually collected somewhere*
. . . * Either Dauphin Island or Playa Varadero
A packet of forget-me-not seeds, forgotten
A large red-and-white striped stovepipe hat, such as a Seuss character might wear, itself crammed full of junk
A thirty-year-old camera
A padlock to which I do not know the combination
Two Avon catalogs
Orphaned book jackets
A million unread magazines, some still wrapped in plastic
Nutcracker earrings
Boxes of tea: 4
Three beaded Easter eggs
An egg made up to look like a chicken, on a stick
Marie Antoinette (1939) on VHS
My sister’s copy (book) of The Virgin Suicides
A Golden Book about Rainbow Brite*
. . . * "Rainbow Brite and the Brook Meadow Deer"
A white wizard statue I had totally loved and wondered where it had gotten to
A hatbox full of American Girl clothes*
. . . * I have Josefina and my sister’s Samantha
A fringed black shawl I bought in Havana
Various carved wooden statuettes I bought in Havana
A box half-full of cigars I bought in Havana… nearly ten years ago
Five masks, Mardi Gras and otherwise
A number of small silk scarves
Lolita audiobook on cassette tape*
. . . * read by Jeremy Irons
A large box full of power cords, computer cords, etc.
Two large boxes full of candles, many half burned
A large drawer full of candles, some of which I never even liked the scent of*
. . . * Florals give me headaches
A bottle of lavender room/linen spray
. . . * Lavender gives me massive headaches
Expired ID or credit cards: 12
Half a box of AAA batteries
Blank books and journals: 5
A grey jersey Calvin Klein robe that never fit me
Boxes, from small to large, of dusty magazine clippings: 23*
. . . * Depression and OCD are not a pretty combination
A old pillow (no pillow case)
Purses and handbags: 8
Handbags given out by various companies as “free gifts”: 12
A gym bag with racquetball racquet and racquetball balls*
. . . * Blue balls
A messenger bag with grad school notebooks and papers
Straw platform sandals with large straw sunflower on toe
A drawer full of decorative printer paper, such as one might buy at Kinko’s*
. . . * And probably did
A drawer full of fifteen-year-old incense sticks
Incense burners/holders: 3
A drawer that will never, ever stop smelling like incense
A variety of fake "silk" flowers, mostly crumpled
A variety of ribbons in a variety of lengths, widths and colors
Wicker baskets: 4
A large paper "Chinese" parasol
Two pairs of bedroom slippers
One pair of ankle boots (black) that don’t fit
Two pairs of knee boots (black) that don’t fit
Twenty minutes of depression that my boots don’t fit
A large collection of HP Lovecraft stories printed from the internet (I assume they were in the public domain?), lovingly bound*
. . . * You know, like from one of those office machines for binding things
Computer keyboards: 4
Computer mice: 6
A can of spray shellac
A can of furniture polish
A hot glue gun with no glue, hot or otherwise
Coloring books of historical costumes: 4
A United Cutlery replica of Andúril, the sword that was broken*
. . . * But is now reforged
My Secret Life, seven volumes*
. . . * Victorian porn
A blue silk bridesmaid dress (2003)*
. . . * Valkyrie's wedding
A flower girl basket (1986)*
. . . * My aunt's wedding
A boxed Dungeons and Dragons starter set (1987)*
. . . * I just liked the monster manual
Jigsaw puzzles: 3
A box full of marbles
A lollipop* that the boy** I had a massive five-year crush on gave me, because he was handing out lollipops to everyone at the theater entrance at the school play
. . . * Chupa Chups brand, strawberries and cream flavor
. . . ** He had Legolas hair
A My Little Pony Fan Club membership patch*
. . . * I am the biggest loser ever
A small rubber dragon, orange, that came inside an egg of red soap (it "hatched" as you used up the soap)
An Egyptian hieroglyphics stamp kit with decorative stationery
A calligraphy pen set with ink cartridges, various colors
Bart Simpson valentines (not used)
Stationery/notecard sets: 5
Two lonesome curlers
A can of mousse
A toothbrush, brand new, still sealed in package
Earbud headphones*
. . . * I hate earbuds
Austin Powers luggage tag*
. . . * "That AIN'T Your Bag, Baby!"
Bottles or vials of perfume: 6*
. . . * I can't wear perfume
Ouija board planchette (no Ouija board)
Three used date planners from college
A packet of black and white photos from my toddlerhood
Checkbooks from a bank that doesn’t exist anymore
A bag of Norse rune stones
The two tiny keys to my childhood diary (no diary)
My graduation cap
School medals and Brownie pins
My gold Honors tassel from college*
. . . * I did not actually graduate Honors, due to flunking a class
My old Movie Gallery employee nametag*
. . . * Actually, rockgeisha, I think I have yours too**
. . . ** I have no idea why
An actual horseshoe with my initials on it from Tannehill
Another box of marbles
A mini bottle of Korbel brandy*
. . . *
"Drinks all around!"
and a large quantity of itchy dust, distributed generously throughout.
Various small trinket and/or jewelry boxes: 18
Two round boxes of cheap and/or broken jewelry, beads, etc.
Various glass vases: 6*
. . . * One of which I broke while moving the box
Various decorative glass bottles: 14
Teapots, each with coordinating teacup: 3
A decorative jar of seashells, probably bought somewhere*
. . . * By a great-aunt
A Tupperware box of seashells, actually collected somewhere*
. . . * Either Dauphin Island or Playa Varadero
A packet of forget-me-not seeds, forgotten
A large red-and-white striped stovepipe hat, such as a Seuss character might wear, itself crammed full of junk
A thirty-year-old camera
A padlock to which I do not know the combination
Two Avon catalogs
Orphaned book jackets
A million unread magazines, some still wrapped in plastic
Nutcracker earrings
Boxes of tea: 4
Three beaded Easter eggs
An egg made up to look like a chicken, on a stick
Marie Antoinette (1939) on VHS
My sister’s copy (book) of The Virgin Suicides
A Golden Book about Rainbow Brite*
. . . * "Rainbow Brite and the Brook Meadow Deer"
A white wizard statue I had totally loved and wondered where it had gotten to
A hatbox full of American Girl clothes*
. . . * I have Josefina and my sister’s Samantha
A fringed black shawl I bought in Havana
Various carved wooden statuettes I bought in Havana
A box half-full of cigars I bought in Havana… nearly ten years ago
Five masks, Mardi Gras and otherwise
A number of small silk scarves
Lolita audiobook on cassette tape*
. . . * read by Jeremy Irons
A large box full of power cords, computer cords, etc.
Two large boxes full of candles, many half burned
A large drawer full of candles, some of which I never even liked the scent of*
. . . * Florals give me headaches
A bottle of lavender room/linen spray
. . . * Lavender gives me massive headaches
Expired ID or credit cards: 12
Half a box of AAA batteries
Blank books and journals: 5
A grey jersey Calvin Klein robe that never fit me
Boxes, from small to large, of dusty magazine clippings: 23*
. . . * Depression and OCD are not a pretty combination
A old pillow (no pillow case)
Purses and handbags: 8
Handbags given out by various companies as “free gifts”: 12
A gym bag with racquetball racquet and racquetball balls*
. . . * Blue balls
A messenger bag with grad school notebooks and papers
Straw platform sandals with large straw sunflower on toe
A drawer full of decorative printer paper, such as one might buy at Kinko’s*
. . . * And probably did
A drawer full of fifteen-year-old incense sticks
Incense burners/holders: 3
A drawer that will never, ever stop smelling like incense
A variety of fake "silk" flowers, mostly crumpled
A variety of ribbons in a variety of lengths, widths and colors
Wicker baskets: 4
A large paper "Chinese" parasol
Two pairs of bedroom slippers
One pair of ankle boots (black) that don’t fit
Two pairs of knee boots (black) that don’t fit
Twenty minutes of depression that my boots don’t fit
A large collection of HP Lovecraft stories printed from the internet (I assume they were in the public domain?), lovingly bound*
. . . * You know, like from one of those office machines for binding things
Computer keyboards: 4
Computer mice: 6
A can of spray shellac
A can of furniture polish
A hot glue gun with no glue, hot or otherwise
Coloring books of historical costumes: 4
A United Cutlery replica of Andúril, the sword that was broken*
. . . * But is now reforged
My Secret Life, seven volumes*
. . . * Victorian porn
A blue silk bridesmaid dress (2003)*
. . . * Valkyrie's wedding
A flower girl basket (1986)*
. . . * My aunt's wedding
A boxed Dungeons and Dragons starter set (1987)*
. . . * I just liked the monster manual
Jigsaw puzzles: 3
A box full of marbles
A lollipop* that the boy** I had a massive five-year crush on gave me, because he was handing out lollipops to everyone at the theater entrance at the school play
. . . * Chupa Chups brand, strawberries and cream flavor
. . . ** He had Legolas hair
A My Little Pony Fan Club membership patch*
. . . * I am the biggest loser ever
A small rubber dragon, orange, that came inside an egg of red soap (it "hatched" as you used up the soap)
An Egyptian hieroglyphics stamp kit with decorative stationery
A calligraphy pen set with ink cartridges, various colors
Bart Simpson valentines (not used)
Stationery/notecard sets: 5
Two lonesome curlers
A can of mousse
A toothbrush, brand new, still sealed in package
Earbud headphones*
. . . * I hate earbuds
Austin Powers luggage tag*
. . . * "That AIN'T Your Bag, Baby!"
Bottles or vials of perfume: 6*
. . . * I can't wear perfume
Ouija board planchette (no Ouija board)
Three used date planners from college
A packet of black and white photos from my toddlerhood
Checkbooks from a bank that doesn’t exist anymore
A bag of Norse rune stones
The two tiny keys to my childhood diary (no diary)
My graduation cap
School medals and Brownie pins
My gold Honors tassel from college*
. . . * I did not actually graduate Honors, due to flunking a class
My old Movie Gallery employee nametag*
. . . * Actually, rockgeisha, I think I have yours too**
. . . ** I have no idea why
An actual horseshoe with my initials on it from Tannehill
Another box of marbles
A mini bottle of Korbel brandy*
. . . *
"Drinks all around!"
and a large quantity of itchy dust, distributed generously throughout.