I'm in Hell?
So i dont know how to go about this post which rarely happens to me...
I should feel happy that it's spring break...i should bask in the having no school to worry about feeling. but i'm not. at all. and i'm not usually a complainer, i may dote here and there but i never come right out and say, hey, my life sucks unless its on here or something...i'm too much of a goof for all that. Well, here's my one get out of jail free card. yay.
For once, i want somebody to remember that i'm gonna be a bitch during this week. For once, i want someone to listen to me complain and carry on and cry and worry about me during this week. and for once, i'm putting it all out there and feeling sorry for myself.
I don't have a Dad.
just take a minute and process this. Put yourself in my shoes. Think about how you would feel if you went every single day knowing you didn't have a father. I know right now it seems like, well, i still have a mom so i have somebody there that's at least a parental figure but its not like that. i was such a flipping daddy's girl and no one knew it. i guess what really makes me cry every single time is to know that it will always affect my life.
Father's day-out the window
st. patrick's day-excuse to get drunk and remember my dad being irish
spring break- the week my dad was dieing in the hospital- (that's what this whole post is about fyi)
and finally, the real kicker. my wedding... i have nightmares about this. the day i finally get married and its supposed to be a really joyous occasion, all i'll be thinking about is, he won't be there to walk me down the aisle or to dance with me the first dance. and THEN this makes other's ppl's weddings harder to go to for that sole fact that i can always have something like that nagging in the back of my brain.
Any time i see a picture, i want to pick up the phone and call and talk to my dad but i can't. one day, i literally sobbed and sobbed and threw up because i couldn't remember what my dad's voice sounded like. i had no clue. i lose memories every day because my mom will bring something up that we used to do and i can't remember a damn thing. the last memory i have of my dad is him being in a hospital bed, bruises, and 500 tubes going in and out of him.
And i know, i know...i'm doing the whole woe-is-me thing... but honestly, i'm sorry, no one has ever remembered, so i have to for that one purpose. Just for this week, i do the, i'm gonna feel sorry for myself bit. And yeah, if i talk to my friends, it affects them because i'm usually depressed, bitchy, or whatever. so i'm sorry if any of you have been hurt in the process, honestly. I've got alot of other stuff on my plate too, haha, that i shouldn't even be laughing about, i know... but for now, this is what i'm dealing with and what i'm trying to cope with. I loved my dad, i still do, and i miss him every single fucking day of my life... I'm sorry guys...
and you all have your own stuff going on, i understand that, fuck, i'm joining in, and i know people will inevitably want to comment the whole "i'm sorry, dont worry, everything will be okay, i'm here for you" stuff and i really do appreciate that but it's not what i posted all this for...it's not okay but life is life. and i know people are sorry but that won't bring him back. and i do worry and no one can really stop that but myself. So i love you guys and hope things get better for you. i know eventually they will for me too, just not right now. and for me, that's okay.
I should feel happy that it's spring break...i should bask in the having no school to worry about feeling. but i'm not. at all. and i'm not usually a complainer, i may dote here and there but i never come right out and say, hey, my life sucks unless its on here or something...i'm too much of a goof for all that. Well, here's my one get out of jail free card. yay.
For once, i want somebody to remember that i'm gonna be a bitch during this week. For once, i want someone to listen to me complain and carry on and cry and worry about me during this week. and for once, i'm putting it all out there and feeling sorry for myself.
I don't have a Dad.
just take a minute and process this. Put yourself in my shoes. Think about how you would feel if you went every single day knowing you didn't have a father. I know right now it seems like, well, i still have a mom so i have somebody there that's at least a parental figure but its not like that. i was such a flipping daddy's girl and no one knew it. i guess what really makes me cry every single time is to know that it will always affect my life.
Father's day-out the window
st. patrick's day-excuse to get drunk and remember my dad being irish
spring break- the week my dad was dieing in the hospital- (that's what this whole post is about fyi)
and finally, the real kicker. my wedding... i have nightmares about this. the day i finally get married and its supposed to be a really joyous occasion, all i'll be thinking about is, he won't be there to walk me down the aisle or to dance with me the first dance. and THEN this makes other's ppl's weddings harder to go to for that sole fact that i can always have something like that nagging in the back of my brain.
Any time i see a picture, i want to pick up the phone and call and talk to my dad but i can't. one day, i literally sobbed and sobbed and threw up because i couldn't remember what my dad's voice sounded like. i had no clue. i lose memories every day because my mom will bring something up that we used to do and i can't remember a damn thing. the last memory i have of my dad is him being in a hospital bed, bruises, and 500 tubes going in and out of him.
And i know, i know...i'm doing the whole woe-is-me thing... but honestly, i'm sorry, no one has ever remembered, so i have to for that one purpose. Just for this week, i do the, i'm gonna feel sorry for myself bit. And yeah, if i talk to my friends, it affects them because i'm usually depressed, bitchy, or whatever. so i'm sorry if any of you have been hurt in the process, honestly. I've got alot of other stuff on my plate too, haha, that i shouldn't even be laughing about, i know... but for now, this is what i'm dealing with and what i'm trying to cope with. I loved my dad, i still do, and i miss him every single fucking day of my life... I'm sorry guys...
and you all have your own stuff going on, i understand that, fuck, i'm joining in, and i know people will inevitably want to comment the whole "i'm sorry, dont worry, everything will be okay, i'm here for you" stuff and i really do appreciate that but it's not what i posted all this for...it's not okay but life is life. and i know people are sorry but that won't bring him back. and i do worry and no one can really stop that but myself. So i love you guys and hope things get better for you. i know eventually they will for me too, just not right now. and for me, that's okay.