don't look down or back
this is gonna read self-help book-y. but i feel it needs to be put down because despite the not-exactly-great emotional state i'm in now, i do believe this is probably more than a rant or a rehashed monologue on embracing and exploring the world etc...what i mean is it makes sense to me, at least at this moment.
i feel so weighed down and disinterested in what's available. these mood swings seem to be occurring at an increasingly frequent rate; and i recognize the root of the problem, which is still essentially my reliance on external sources to confirm the validity of my existence. i suppose everyone needs that at some point, but you shouldn't require a constant reminder outside of your own awareness of your ability or what you have or know with a degree of certainty what you will achieve in life. devoid of that, it's very difficult to appreciate what your mind knows is good and beautiful but your spirit, or soul if you will, just can't connect with- because it's too preoccupied with the existential anguish and endless pity-parties you throw yourself. and when that's gone, when people you care about and music and films and books can't even bring you out of such funk, even if just temporarily, then it really is like what's the point? i'm turning 24 soon which means i've long lost the privilege of waiting to be cuddled, even just by the detachment that a film or a piece of music creates between my consciousness and reality. escape is no longer an option, at least not for the long term benefit of my mental health. it's just that it's so much easier to theorize about breaking out of my shells than actually setting it in motion, as is with everything else. identifying the problem means jackshit if you don't actively do something about it. i suppose if not knowing what i want to do is my biggest predicament, i should just try everything, be open about everything before writing it off with such haste and false certainty like i normally do, and go through the process with humility and accept the outcome. again, much easier theorized than done, but i think it's definitely the direction along which i should begin to orient my thinking- getting ready to drop everything and finally transition out of my transition phase.
anyway as the posted note says, to want is not enough.
i feel so weighed down and disinterested in what's available. these mood swings seem to be occurring at an increasingly frequent rate; and i recognize the root of the problem, which is still essentially my reliance on external sources to confirm the validity of my existence. i suppose everyone needs that at some point, but you shouldn't require a constant reminder outside of your own awareness of your ability or what you have or know with a degree of certainty what you will achieve in life. devoid of that, it's very difficult to appreciate what your mind knows is good and beautiful but your spirit, or soul if you will, just can't connect with- because it's too preoccupied with the existential anguish and endless pity-parties you throw yourself. and when that's gone, when people you care about and music and films and books can't even bring you out of such funk, even if just temporarily, then it really is like what's the point? i'm turning 24 soon which means i've long lost the privilege of waiting to be cuddled, even just by the detachment that a film or a piece of music creates between my consciousness and reality. escape is no longer an option, at least not for the long term benefit of my mental health. it's just that it's so much easier to theorize about breaking out of my shells than actually setting it in motion, as is with everything else. identifying the problem means jackshit if you don't actively do something about it. i suppose if not knowing what i want to do is my biggest predicament, i should just try everything, be open about everything before writing it off with such haste and false certainty like i normally do, and go through the process with humility and accept the outcome. again, much easier theorized than done, but i think it's definitely the direction along which i should begin to orient my thinking- getting ready to drop everything and finally transition out of my transition phase.
anyway as the posted note says, to want is not enough.