Car Ride
So I was invited to this picnic and I was told to bring APPLES. I was fine with that since the only other fruit there were BANANAS. Unless we consider CUCUMBERS a fruit because it has seeds? Anyway, I also thought it would be nice to bring along some DILDOS, especially for Jay (though he kept trying to tell me they were only for me). Michelle then expressed her need for ELEPHANT HAIR and that no picnic was a picnic without it. I agreed quickly because I was not quite sure where this ELEPHANT HAIR was going to be used but I thought if I ok-ed it, she wouldn't make me eat it or something. Then Jay bought the soggiest FRENCH FRIES I have ever seen but Michelle kept screaming FREEDOM FRIES instead. Again, I agreed with her so no ELEPHANT HAIR ended up on my APPLE or DILDO for that matter. Being the nice Catholic I am, I invited GOD, which I thought would be okay, but Jay got worried to have GOD at the same picnic as a DILDO. See, I knew I brought them for him! Jay, sorry to bust your bubble, but GOD knows everything. He knew about your fetish even before coming to the picnic. Michelle toted HIRCHEL THE HANNAKAH HAMSTER along so I saw it best to invite some fine JEWISH FOLK as well so they could really enjoy the spirit of the hamster. But of course I waited to hear Jay's suggestion of bringing an IGLOO before deciding to invite them to save the picnic from becoming a complete bore! Thanks Jason. Then Michelle went ahead and invited KATIE which was very nice of her even though I was a shoe-in for this picnic since I was helping put it together. Then Jay got offended since I chose nice JEWISH FOLK over him and I told him that I figured he was coming no matter what since he too was making suggestions for the shindig. Though Jay took it personally and hrumphed for awhile in the driver's seat. Then he realized it was his turn to pick something and chose some LICORICE UNDERWEAR. I took this as a sign to put someone in this LICORICE UNDERWEAR and invited MICHELLE to strut her stuff in them. Then Jay got offended again since he was never cordially invited and began to hrumph again. Michelle ignored him and brought along some CENSORED FOR SAKE OF THE JOURNAL which turned out to be a good idea! So then OSAMA BIN LADEN showed up and we all kicked his ass! Fuck yeah! Then I enlisted the help of a PSYCHOLOGIST since I thought this picnic may be getting a little out of hand and borderline psychotic. The floating QUIZNOS SCARY THINGS weren't helping. But they gave me a dollar off a sub with a car wash coupon so that was cool. Then Jay brought up the R WORD...no wonder I couldn't remember it for the life of me. The nice part of my brain blocked it out, you meanie! Then I realized there were no beverages so I invited SIMON COWELL because we could always drink from...but get this, he totally insulted our guest TIMMY!, which was very rude. Then that little bastard, UNDERDOG had the nerve to swoop in and steal a hot dog from us! That's when it dawned on us… we didn't have hot dogs and Jay's DILDO was now missing. Yeah, I'm sure that's the last thing UNDERDOG expected to have for lunch. So Jay got mad again when I invited a VAMPIRE SLUT for him because he wasn't invited, he couldn't hook up with her. Oh well, sucks to be Jay. And of course, nothing is complete without an appearance by WALDO, always a pleasure from row R. At this point, Jay started to watch his X-RATED VIDEOS instead of looking at tight pants, and then we topped off the picnic with some delicious YELLOWTREATS. As the raging party winded down, ZACH MORRIS swung by to narrate the reasoning behind the throwing of the picnic. ZACH MORRIS concluded that when KATIE screams, "I want attention!" from the backseat, pull over immediately and push her out of the car. Then there wouldn't have to be a picnic in the first place.