The worst night of my life.
This is the only place I can comfortable forum my feelings about my mother as she has taken to listening in on my phone conversations. I don't get her. I have been nothing but sympathetic since she returned home and she has been nothing but a bitch since she's been back. The first thing she said when she returned home Monday night was "I am emotionally exhausted so I need you to really behave". That was all she said that night. Then yesterday I got home from track and was going to the bathroom when she started yelling at me about "Breaking in" while she was in Maine. Apparently one of the house keys is missing and she thinks it's me. She said, "How did you get in? Did you break in a window?" And I said, "Are any windows broken?" And she was like "No, but then how did you get in?" I told her the front door was wide open because it was. I just walked in, and got the few things I needed and then I left. It's not like I held a party or anything. Then I get out of the bathroom and chuckle to myself at how rude she is (but I don't say that of course) and ask her how her day was. "It was going good until you came home" she replied nastily. I chuckled again and said I didn't know what she was talking about as I had been nothing but civil with her since she got home. The funny part is that a while ago I gave up raising my voice as that only calls for disaster. Those were my exact words in the same language as worded there and in a normal speaking tone. But then she raised her voice and said "yeah well you had better behave or I will stop you from getting your license anyway" which really hurt me because that was one of the big reasons I went against my true feelings and went to Maine for the funeral in the first place. I nicely informed her she can only hold me back for two years but then she stabbed me again. "But I also don't have to pay your college tuition" she replied. That threw me off and I said "What are you talking about (still in the calm half joking voice), I didn't do anything". She said I had. Said it was a horrible thing for me to worry her by saying I wasn't coming to Maine. I said "Mom, what difference does it make, I went didn't I?” "Yes, but you put be through hell". "I'm sorry mom, but you said specifically that grandma said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to". "Yes, but you knew I expected you to come because I brought your clothes up" "You shouldn't have given me the option of coming up if you wanted me to come up that badly, and I came up didn't I?” "I gave you the option to make the right decision and you didn't so I made it for you." "No you didn't. It was still my decision. I chose to go up for the family and support them and you, but when I went you didn't want to talk to me. You hardly said three wor-" "That's because I was mad that you put me through that and I am still mad". "Please mother, don't interrupt me like that". (Roaring) "OH NO! You will not talk to ME like that" "Like what mother, I haven't raised my voice and all I’m asking is that you let me speak without interrupting me. We're both civilized beings in this household" "Yes but you will not treat me like that. I am going through a very hard time right now and you know it". "Yes, mom, I do indeed know it as I am struggling with the same thing. But You don't seem to care that in addition to my grandfather dying, I broke up with Novall, she's mourning over two deaths and her sister may have cancer and a whole slew of my other friends relatives are dying as well do you?" "No, I don't". [Phone rings] "Hello?" I ask. It's my friend tom. I was rescued from this argument. As I was talking to him about my plans for running away my mother left the house without telling me where she was going. "I have to go. If I’m gong to leave it should be now". Tom and I talked for a while longer and then I got off to call Lisa, My mother's old partner and my half other mother, and ask to stay at her place. I called and we talked for a while. She said she knew how I felt. She said the reason she left us was my mother had spent the years of their relationship being manipulated by my mother. She said that is what my mother is doing is manipulating me emotionally. I was crying when I realized this. See there is another story behind this. I will be sure to type that next. But long story short Lisa had done some things that hurt me really badly. So I said I wouldn't talk to her unless she was going to give me an apology. She called three times in the past six months to apologize and tell me she loves me and is thinking about me. But my fucking mother didn't relay the message. She was manipulating me because she knew my relationship with Lisa was dangerous to me being with her. Lisa had offered a while ago to adopt me. But my mother manipulated that too. She fucking fucked up my life everywhere. If it weren't for her I would never have doubted my relationship with Novall. If it weren't for her I would never have gone to Maine for the funeral. If it weren't for her I would never have lost so much time with Lisa. But the most important thing I realized at that moment was this. If it weren't for her I would not be lying here after crying for the past three hours in a puddle of my own tears and sinus drainings. I was upset to say the least. Things haven't been going well with me for quite some time and I don't know what to do about it. My emotions are everywhere. I cried from about 5-8 and then again later. But just earlier that day I had been laughing my ass off for two whole hours straight at track. What is wrong with me? I'm losing it. But it's not my fault. While I was crying my mother kept coming out. The first time she said what's wrong. I said everything, please leave me alone. She stood there for ten minutes and then left. Came back five minutes later and said "I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do?” I said no, just go away. She came back five minutes later and asked if I wanted her to call Ashley or Novall for me. I said no. I couldn't let them see me like this. It hurt them to see me in this shape and not be able to do anything about it. Then she said she was going to call Morgan's parents but I begged her not to and to just leave me be. She did. She came back a number of times over the next hour mainly trying to figure out what was making me cry for this long. To tell you the truth I’m not exactly sure but she began to think it wasn't me. I didn't tell her everything. She already knows it all... She just has to put it all together. I finally thought she was done when I told her again that I would come in when I was ready to. But she came back one more time. And this time she really hurt me. She said "I didn't mean to hurt you this badly, I just wanted to make you regret it. Is that what you do to people who love you? Say something hurtful just so they would regret things? I would never do that to someone I cared about. The worst part of the night for me was this though. I realized it could all have been avoided. That in the end it was all my fault. The people at Hyde told me to trust myself and listen to what my conscience tells me as I am more of a grown up than she is. They all told me that if I could just learn to do this I would be much happier. But I let her manipulate me. I let her warp things until it made me look like the bad guy and then when the time came to make a decision about anything I snapped and she corrupted me. If I had only said, "Fuck you mom" when she said Lisa wasn't caring. If I had only said "Fuck you mom" when she said Novall and I weren't right for each other. If I had only said "Fuck you mom" when she said I had to go to Maine or I would regret it. None of this would have happened. In the end I said it to her last night. But it's too late for it to have made an impact. It's too late to fix things. So now I have to wake up and deal with it. But I got my stab back. Before that night was over I made sure she realized in at least one sense what she had done. I made her take a picture of me. Lying right where I had been the whole time. Eyes puffy and tears streaming down my cheeks. Nose dripping steadily into one of the dark cracks of the porch. Sprawled out with one fist clenched in protest. "Why do you want a picture of this?" She asked shakily. Graphic evidence came to mind, but I don't think I need it. "So we'll all be sure to remember this day,” I said with resolution. Then, after four hours of uncontrollable bawling, I picked myself up off the deck, rubbed my eyes, and picked up the phone to move on with my life.